Love Disorder

by Yuriko Hime

  Sweat rolled down my back. This was one of the worst situations I've been in. I couldn't call for help because my girls would be in trouble, but I couldn't stand around here doing nothing either. Sit around to be exact. And where the hell was Carter? I retrieved the phone from my pocket and dialed his number. He didn't answer. I need you, dufus.

  I paused and stared at the door. It has become eerily quiet inside. A thousand ugly thoughts ran in my head. "Please let me in," I begged. "Anyone." I gasped when it opened. I was half-expecting Blaze to come out with blood on her hands. Instead, it was Uno, looking grief stricken. "What did you do?" I whispered. She refused to look at me as she picked me up. "Tell me what happened. I need to know."

  "I'm a very sick person Riri," she said tiredly. "Let's go home."

  We were both silent in the Jeep as she drove. Uno neither talked to the director nor the production staff. She up and left with me. I wanted to shake the answer from her. I wanted her to voice out that everything was alright. But her eyes were pretty much dead to the world. Me included.

  Uno placed me gently on the couch when we arrived home. She left without a word. Should I sit here quietly while another girl could have been harmed, and my own girlfriend was having her inner war? "No," I said in determination. "No I won't." I grimaced when I pushed myself up from the sofa. Breathe in, breathe out. See? I thought as I wiped my forehead. It was all in the head. The doctor has wrapped my ankle nicely. I could walk.

  I limped slowly from the sofa to the hallway that would lead me to Uno's room. It was a slow and painful procession, but I managed to get there. All in the head Ri, I encouraged. "Uno," I called loudly. "I'm here baby. You can talk to me." Silence greeted my voice. This whole thing reminded me of when we were starting off. She was also like this, afraid to get close to me. "We're a team," I said, my voice cracking. "What kind of person leaves an injured teammate behind?"

  "Go away," she said from the other side. I could hear the fear in her voice. It was palpable from where I stood.

  I laughed sadly. "I'd like to, but my ankle won't allow me. Come on baby, open up. It's time you let me in." The door that I've been using as support swung forward. I fell right into her arms. She helped me to the bed.

  "I'm listening," I said, soon as I was seated. "I promise not to judge you."

  She looked bitterly at me. "I wanted to kill Bianca. Blaze and I did." She dug her fingernails on her face. I pried her hands away so she wouldn't hurt herself. "For the first time in my existence, Blaze and I agreed on something," she went on. "And you know what's more disturbing? Bianca admitted that she tampered with the cord. When Blaze heard that, she gave me the control. She'd always do that when she's scared, but I was scared too," she rambled.

  Oh God! What was I hearing? "Did you hurt Bianca?" I asked firmly.

  Her lips trembled. "She attacked me first."

  I shifted on my seat. The pain in my ankle didn't hurt so bad now. I was more focused on saving her from the impending lawsuit that we'd definitely face. "It's self-defense," I said. "I'll call Mr. Meyer immediately after we talk. He'd know what do to." I braced myself for the next question. "Is Bianca dead?"

  Uno's eyes became watery. She swallowed hard. "Would you still love me?" she asked in a small voice. Shit.

  "I can't do anything about the love. It's not something you can erase like a bad drawing. But I need to know."

  Rather than giving me the answers I sought, she got to her feet and walked in long strides to the painting on the wall. She lifted it while I was still looking, obviously trying to show me something. I've never touched that painting nor brought up the subject since seeing it. I figured it must be too personal, or it housed her treasures. I held my breath as she punched in the codes to the key lock. The door opened with a beep.

  "Are you familiar with Pandora's box?" Uno said as she went to my side. She was about to help me up, but I didn't need her this time. I was too busy wondering what was inside the room. I swallowed the pain as I got to my feet.

  "Can I?" I said curiously.

  She avoided my eyes. "You have the choice to run away anytime." I was in too deep. There was no running away now. I put my hands on her arm and allowed her to guide me to the door. My fingers shook as I touched the cold metal. Uno offered no clue with what lay inside. She stared at the ground and bit her lips. It was now or never. I pulled the door open and peeked inside.

  I was careful not to let her hear the sharp intake of breath I took. The padded cell, like the ones seen in mental institutions, was white enough to blind me. My brain had a hard time comprehending why I was seeing this, why it was here, and what she used it for. I chewed on my lips as I thought of the possibilities.

  "It's mine," she said, sounding disgusted with herself. My heart crashed to the floor. Just as I thought. "Blaze used to be so careless that she'd hurt us with her actions. I'd often find scratch marks on my arms, wounds on my back, and bruises on my legs. But not everything was her fault." She paused. "I never told you this before. I was super stressed one night that I attacked a paparazzi. The man hurt me first, but the way I reacted was out of the line. Your mother paid him to keep his silence."

  My eyes were still focused on the room. White floor. White ceiling. White walls. Everything was white and padded. I imagined my girls here, scared and alone while blaming herself for something she didn't wish. I wanted to cry. The back of my throat hurts so bad, but I knew that doing that would only make her feel bad for herself.

  "I could have killed Bianca," she finally admitted. "I was close."

  I tore my eyes from the room to look at her. "But you didn't," I affirmed, feeling the weight lift from my shoulder. "No matter how much you hate yourself, you will always be a good person. You and Blaze. I'm so proud of you baby. You've come a long way."

  "Help me," she said. Those two words tore through my heart. "I can't go on living like this. I need to be whole again. I want to love you right." She got down on her knees. It was Blaze who stared up at me. They switched faster than ever. "Please Riri."

  I kneeled in front of her and kissed her forehead. "You don't have to beg," I said. "I can't promise you anything, but I will do my best. And if that's not good enough, I will go higher and do the impossible. In exchange, I want you to stop destroying yourself." I pointed to the room behind me. "That prison is not for you or Uno. If you're going to lock yourself, do it here." I placed her hand on my chest. "I'm keeping you safe."

  We remained in the room and cried together. It was a bittersweet moment. She cried because she was glad that someone loved her enough to understand her. She cried because she felt ashamed, scared, and nervous because of what would happen to Bianca whom she left unconscious in the dressing room. She cried because words weren't enough sometimes. She cried because she wanted to.

  I cried for many reasons too. I cried because I saw what she was keeping. I cried because despite everything that happened, I was relieved that she opened up. I cried because I wanted to help her so much and didn't know where to begin. I cried because she cried.

  After wiping our tears and talking in low voices, I had to pause being her girlfriend to be her manager. I called the director to say that Uno had an emergency. The director was relieved to hear my voice. We talked about the reschedule that would happen and how we shouldn't worry because the blocking was almost done anyway. Throughout our conversation, the director never mentioned Bianca.

  Right after I hang up on her, another call came through my phone. "We need to talk," Carter said from the other line when I answered. "As soon as possible."

  "When?"

  "Tomorrow. Five in the afternoon at the tea house."

  Come next day, I found myself sitting in front of him in the spot that we used to share. Back when we were friends, I thought glumly. "What is this about?" I said. Way to downplay the situation. I knew exactly why we were here. He'd tell me that Bianca was reporting at the police station.

  "I want to apologize," he said. I whipped my head up to stare at
him better. He toyed with the straw on his drink, thinking about how he should approach the subject. I knew him like the back of my hand. I used to anyway. "Yesterday, your talk with Bianca was taking way too long, so I decided to look for her," he said wearily. "The crew was having their break. I walked in on her while she was standing on a ladder, doing something with the light. The only reason why I didn't speak was because I thought it was part of the job or something."

  He covered his face with trembling fingers. "But then I was shocked to see the accident. I'm so sorry Ri. You almost got killed." He sounded so miserable. "I was so mad that I couldn't return to her dressing room after. When I got back, I saw her sitting on the floor. She snapped and admitted everything, from her fight with Uno to her substance abuse. I can't believe this is happening."

  "Is she pressing charges?"

  "No," he said weakly. "It's her fault anyway."

  I nodded. "I'm sorry you have to find out this way. Your girlfriend needs help."

  He lowered his hand. I looked at him, really looked at him this time. The usual twinkle in his eyes was gone, and so was the easy smile. It was like he aged five years since this all began. I was sure that I was experiencing the same thing. "Mad as I am with Bianca, I want you to be there for her, Cart. Believe it or not, she loves you."

  "Like the way Uno loves you?"

  "Like the way Bianca loves you," I corrected. "Every relationship is unique."

  "I want to make it up to you," he said. "I've been a real bitch the past weeks. Heck, I wouldn't forgive me if I were you."

  "Too late. Already done." I stared thoughtfully at his drink. It probably tasted stale and warm by now. "There is something you can do for me," I said. His eyes piqued with interest. "It involves your lock picking skills."

  Chapter 30. Starting Point

  Everything had a starting point. The universe had the big bang. People were born. You get the gist. I considered my starting point the moment that mom told me I was adopted. I was young, and it was the beginning of my memory. If everyone had that period in their life when they realized that they came to be, when did Uno and Blaze's begin? The moment of birth for one or both of them.

  This mystery could only be answered by his parents. Unhelpful as they might be, they would be able to explain a thing or two about my girl's past. But we were way past the point of asking nicely. No, I was planning a more drastic means to get my goal, and I needed everyone's help to pull it off. Carter jumped in immediately. It was Blaze I had a hard time convincing.

  "Please," I said to Blaze. It was a few days after the incident that happened in the studio. We were in the living room with Carter. Blaze, with Uno's blessing, allowed my best friend to enter her house for the first time. It was handier, not to mention more private to talk here. "It's worth a shot. We have nothing to lose." I gestured to Carter. "He's really good at opening locks. The plan won't fail."

  Blaze shook her head firmly. I've been trying to convince her to go to her parent's house and talk to them so they'd get distracted. "Why are you against this?" Carter asked. He stared from Blaze to me, looking confused. I didn't explain the whole back story to him. Just enough to get him by.

  Blaze sighed and pinched her forehead. "I don't like being around my parents," she said dourly. "They hate everything about my dream." She stared outside. "I remember being eleven that time when I told them that I wanted to be an actress. You know what they said?" Carter and I shook our heads. "They said that they'd rather ship me off to an all-girls boarding school located in the mountains."

  "Harsh," Carter said. "I mean, that's probably dope, but if being enrolled there is made as a form of punishment." He whistled low.

  Blaze snorted. "It wasn't a form of punishment. Mom and dad said that it was a favor. That's why I don't like being around them that much, though I love them like you love your parents." She grabbed the carton of milk from the coffee table and chugged it down. Carter looked impressed at Blaze's milk drinking ability.

  "They still allowed you to join Hollywood though," I said. "You were eleven. You wouldn't be able to get started if they didn't want you to." Blaze stopped drinking and stared at me thoughtfully. I wiped the traces of her milk mustache with my thumb. "So even if they didn't agree, in a way, they supported your dream. Have you thought of that?"

  "No," she mumbled. "Neither did Uno."

  "Huh?" Carter said.

  "Never mind her," I said to him. "Anyway, maybe it's time to talk to your parents." More like distract them. "While you're doing that, Carter and I will go to the office as planned. They might be good people, but it's clear that they're hiding something. It might be key to uncovering your past." I turned to Carter and said, "You promised not to ask too many questions."

  "I wasn't going to. I'm just glad that you're getting me to help you," he said. Carter rubbed his hands together. With a devilish look on his eyes, he asked, "So when do we start?"

  My two passengers didn't speak a word as I drove to Simone and Gerald's mansion. Once we were outside the gate, I glanced at them and said the plan one more time. Simple as it was, I didn't want anything to go wrong. Too much was at stake here. We all got down and huddled near the Jeep. I placed my fist in front of me. "For the team guys." Carter readily bumped my fist. We both stared at Blaze. She didn't look happy about this. "Well?" I chided.

  "Whatever," she said, then bumped our fists.

  Upon hearing who was visiting through the intercom, the attendant let us in without any questions. "I will tell them you're here," she said to Blaze with a polite smile. "In the meantime, please wait in the parlor." She didn't have to show us where. The three of us went there by ourselves.

  "It's nostalgic being in here again," Blaze said, her eyes roaming from our perch on the sofa. It went to every painting on the wall, to the chairs, to the big bay windows. She sniffed deeply and smiled. "Can you smell that?" she asked. I detected a faint citrusy smell when I inhaled, like the ones used for cleaning.

  "I don't smell anything," Carter said. He walked briskly to us and sat with his legs crossed. I focused on him. He was looking better since the last time we've talked. Bianca must have been doing well too.

  Blaze sniffed again. "There it is, the scent of cinnamon," she said. "Our head attendant must have told the kitchen staff that I'm here. They used to make cinnamon rolls for me when I was younger." She sighed and turned to me. "Do you think this is a good idea? I'm getting nervous." Blaze fidgeted on her seat. It was unlike her to be like this. She and Uno were the most confident women I've known.

  I brushed my hand against her cheek. "You'll be fine," I said. "Just give us enough time to do what we came here for." Her blue eyes twinkled. I loved it when she was looking at me like this. Like I was her favorite dessert. I sucked in my breath when she inched closer. I might not be able to smell the cinnamon, but her scent was all over the place.

  We were about to kiss when Carter cleared his throat. "I think they're coming," he said. Blaze and I straightened, just in time to see the door opening.

  Simone was thrilled to see Blaze under their roof. She didn't seem to notice us as she ran to her daughter. Gerald did a more subdued walk, though I could see that he was excited too. It was the perfect time to slip away. They'd be too busy fawning over their daughter. "We'll give you space," I mumbled. Carter jumped to my side and helped me walk as we left the room.

  "We have a few minutes before they remember that we were supposed to be in there," I said to Carter. "Let's go." We didn't encounter anyone on the way, making our job easier. We looked over our shoulders before slipping inside the office. As soon as I locked the door, Carter dashed to the table and fished out his keychain. I slowly counted to sixty. He would be able to open it soon.

  It wasn't long before the lock clicked. "A new record," he said. I turned and saw him grinning from ear to ear as he pulled the drawer. His expression suddenly changed. "Shit!" he exclaimed.

  "What is it?" I asked worriedly.

  "It's not here. The drawer is e
mpty." I dragged myself to where he was. Peeking at the drawer, I saw that Carter wasn't kidding. The emptiness in the compartment might as well be a gaping hole in my heart. I wasn't expecting this outcome.

  "Move," I commanded. I grabbed the handle of the drawer and forced it out of the hole.

  "What are you doing Ri?" I ignored his question and his heavy breathing as I turned the drawer and looked for secret partitions, just like in the movies. He got me in a second. Carter began patting the drawer for compartments too. "I don't think there's one," he finally said. "It's just a silly old drawer." Frustrated, I pushed it to him and turned away. Of all the things that could go wrong.

  I jerked the nearest chair angrily. It rolled away from me, hitting the wall with a low thudding sound. What were we supposed to do now? Blaze and Uno were counting on me. I even convinced them. Tsk! I turned back to Carter who was now busy putting the drawer to its original position. "Where do you think they placed it?" I asked in frustration. "In the bedroom? In another office? In a safe?" An idea popped in my head.

  I didn't wait for him to answer. In my hurry to move away, my foot collided with the leg of the table. "Gnggh!" I moaned as pain vibrated to my ankle. Carter was by my side in a few.

  "You shouldn't even put your weight on that," he scolded, helping me sit on the floor. "It's not fully healed, yet you still insist on driving and moving around like a worm."

  I slapped his shoulder. "Shut up. Worms don't have feet." I reached for my ankle and tried to massage it through the brace. He was right as usual, but I was a stubborn fool. This was another reason why Blaze didn't want to agree. Going here involved walking and scurrying around like a guilty criminal. "Don't worry about me." I nudged my head in the direction of the wall. "Check that picture first."

  He moved away with a frown. "You're not thinking what I think you're thinking right?"

  I smiled sweetly at him. "I am."

  "You are unbelievable," he said, standing. Carter looked doubtfully at Uno's picture on the wall. It was the same photograph I've seen the first time we entered here. "If there's nothing behind that, we'll both look like a fool for even thinking it."