Dirty Dealers

by Tia Louise

My insides are tight, and I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells since the moment I touched her. Still, I have to try. “Would you have dinner with me?”

  She’s quiet, and I’m actually holding my breath. At last she does a little nod, but still no smile. “Okay,” she says, barely above a whisper. Her expression is resigned.

  I don’t understand, but I’ll take it. Reaching into my breast pocket, I pull out the slim phone hidden there. “Tell me your number.”

  Another momentary hesitation, and she’s reciting the digits. I punch them in quickly and hit send, waiting as her clutch starts to make music and buzz softly with the vibration of her ringtone.

  “Hey,” I say, ending the call and catching her shoulder, causing her to look up at me. “I can’t believe I ran into you tonight…” I hesitate, but after all this time, goddammit, I’m not holding back.

  Moonlight glistens in her eyes, and she blinks it away quickly. “Me either.”

  Her voice wavers, and that’s when I see the smile lifting the corners of her mouth. It’s like winning a fucking marathon. I mentally do a fist pump.

  Stepping closer, I catch her chin, just touching it with my thumb and forefinger so lightly. “Cassandra,” I say, leaning closer.

  Our breath swirls together, mixing with the air between us. I can still taste her kisses, cherry lip gloss, cinnamon gum, and salt water. Entranced, I lean closer, still holding her chin. She doesn’t pull away. Her eyes are fixed on my mouth, and her breath skates over my cheek as I draw closer. She smells like clean jasmine and fresh air. She’s the dream I had as a young man, when I was careless and naive, when I believed I could go away for all that time, and she’d still be here waiting for me when I returned. She’s a splinter of moonlight, beautiful against the darkness of my skin. Our lips touch, the softest velvet against my mouth, and it’s all back.

  All of it.

  Her chin lifts out of my fingers, and her lips part. She’s kissing me in return, and a little noise aches from her throat. It’s electric, but only for a heartbeat. Just as fast she pulls away.

  “I’m sorry,” she exhales. “Goodnight, Logan.”

  She turns and takes off across the grass practically running. This time I don’t chase after her. I stand and watch her as my insides begin to relax, my breathing returns to normal. Fate just threw me a lifeline, and there’s no way in hell I’ll lose it this time.

  You’re running away, Sass, but I felt what you want. I’ll have you in my bed, and no matter what it takes, I won’t lose you again.

  Reasons

  Kass

  My insides won’t stop trembling. I knew seeing Logan for the first time in so long would be hard, but I had no idea how overwhelming it would be. It’s like being hit by a thirty-foot tsunami. No survivors.

  The moment I heard his voice, I chickened out. I ran away, hoping he didn’t recognize me, but of course he did. Of course he chased after me. Our past is too strong, too fierce and demanding for him not to.

  I couldn’t breathe. I could barely speak. I was defenseless against the onslaught of feelings simply being near him provoked. So many memories assaulted my mind. I’m surprised I kept my footing.

  Returning to my tiny, second-floor walkup, and I can’t shake the memory of his mouth covering mine. The firm brace of his lips and the soft scruff of his beard…

  He’s so much bigger than he used to be. He’s always been tall, but back then he was lanky, playful, and teasing. Sassy Cassie. Oh my god! I can still hear him saying it with that cocky grin. I can still remember going wild with fury, jumping on his back and beating my palms against his skin, demanding he take it back.

  He’d only laugh and run us into the ocean, drag me out to sea as he covered my mouth with his, slipping his long fingers into my bikini bottoms, stroking me until I would moan with need. All the anger would disappear when he slipped inside me, rocking me to a swift orgasm as I kissed him like he was the most delicious thing I’d ever tasted.

  He was…

  Now he’s a mountain of a man, tall and dark. He has a beard that bristles against my skin when he kisses me. He’s so different, yet so familiar. I’m a little afraid of what will happen if he takes me. If… As if there’s even a question after that kiss.

  Our reunion in every sense of the word is a foregone conclusion, and I’m simultaneously thrilled, nervous, devastated, and heartbroken. I know I’ll never recover from this.

  We’re both in vastly different places than we were that summer six years ago. I was taking care of my little brother and struggling to hold down three jobs. Logan was old enough to join the military, and he saw it as his ticket out of the working class. He was the most gorgeous thing I’d ever seen with that dark, silky hair and those hazel-blue eyes. Yes, he was playful, but he was also focused, even then. He hid a seriousness that only I saw.

  Now he’s one of the king’s elite guards, and I’ve forfeited the right to even dream about him.

  Only I do dream about him. I never stopped.

  The click of nails on hardwood fills the air, and I hear soft yipping around my feet. Dropping to sit on the top step, I greet my neighbor’s little dog.

  “What are you doing out, Henri?” My voice is soft, cooing, and he licks my chin, going for my mouth. I only laugh, catching his soft muzzle and moving it down. “You’re so French,” I tease, and he nods his head, attempting to free his face so he can lick me again.

  “Stop now,” I say gently, placing my hand on the top of his head and sliding it down his back. He calms at once, dropping his nose. I continue stroking but the action of petting him does little to ease my raging insides.

  “Oh, Henri, I’m in trouble now,” I whisper. The small dog scoots further into my lap. “I thought I’d packed all those emotions up tight, but now I see how wrong I was.”

  A little further down the hall, a door scrapes open, and the dog’s head pops up. “Henri!” I hear Luc, my neighbor’s crackled call.

  A gentle pat, and the little dog jumps up to scamper home. “Ah! Vous êtes là.”

  There you are, I hear Luc saying to his dog, and I long for a simple life of walking the dog, staying up late, getting up early.

  “Bonne nuit, Henri. Bonne nuit, Luc,” I say softly. Good night.

  His door pushes closed, and I assume they didn’t hear me. I enter my lonely apartment, thoughts of Logan still spinning in my head.

  Sliding the zipper down my side, I push the silky black dress off my shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. I step out and cross the small, studio apartment to the queen sized bed that takes up most of the space. Unfastening my bra, I let it drop as I climb onto the soft duvet, pulling a pillow against my chest and curling around it.

  Limerence: The euphoric feeling of desire and wanting to have it reciprocated. Curling my tongue over the L, I rub my hands over my upper arms, remembering how Logan’s rough palms felt against my skin.

  I’d been so close to tears as I walked with him through the garden. He’s still so beautiful, perfect and strong, and I’m so broken and dirty. God, I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know how I can go through with it…

  He said I was the strong one, a survivor, but he has no idea all I’ve had to do to survive since I saw him last. I can’t tell him how the hits had kept coming, harder and harder, like the storm surge in a hurricane, walls of water knocking me down to my knees, to my face. The only thing that kept me going was Cameron. I had to do what I could to keep him safe until he was old enough to stand on his own.

  My phone lights up, and my heart plummets. I don’t want to look at it. I don’t want to see the text. I wait, lying on the bed, feeling my heart pounding in my chest as my mind trips over this evening at the Royal Casino. Seconds slip past, and it buzzes again. If I don’t respond, he’ll come and check on me. I can’t have that.

  With trembling fingers I reach for the phone, and just as fast, my insides release when I see it’s a number not yet saved in my contacts…

  Just wanted t
o say goodnight again. It was hard to let you go, Sass. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at six. Bring a swimsuit, and text me your address.

  Tears flood my eyes, and all the dread is pushed aside by the warmth of Logan’s words. Holding the phone against my chest, I breathe…

  Inhale…

  Exhale…

  Calm my galloping heart.

  Oh, Logan, what am I going to do? If only you could help me.

  I text him my address and fight every urge in my body to say more, to ask him to come here, hold me through this misery. It’s so wrong of me to want him this much, but there’s no way in hell I could ever tell him no.

  My phone buzzes again, and joy sizzles in my veins. I want all his words, precious words, and I lift the phone quickly to see what he’s said. It all comes crashing down, when I see it’s what I originally dreaded. It’s Blix.

  Good work tonight.

  It’s all he says. I don’t even respond. I reach out and put my phone back on the nightstand and curl around the pillow again. For a little while I’d been able to let Logan take me away from my reality. Now I can only hold the pillow closer against the empty hole that used to be my heart.

  * * *

  Two clicks. “A bench,” I say. My little brother pulls my arm, and I stop short. “Lamp post.”

  “Impossible!” he cries, and I start to laugh.

  “I told you, it works!”

  A skinny arm flops around my neck, and I loop my arms around his waist. Cameron is sixteen, but he’ll still let me hug him.

  “Why do you have to go back to Miami?” he complains. “Stay here with me this time.”

  “And do what?” I cry. “You have to go to school, and I have to earn the money to pay for it.”

  “I don’t have to go to such an expensive school.”

  It’s not an argument I intend to have with him again. “It’s a place for you to live…” He tries to interrupt, but I push on. “And they have classes you need. I won’t have you stuck in a cheap school living in public housing.”

  “But if I didn’t go to such an expensive school, you wouldn’t have to work so hard, and I could live with you.”

  The tone in his voice makes my heart ache. He’s lost so much family, and I know family is as important to him as it is to me. Still, I could never make the money here I make in Miami… And he has no idea why I have to go back, the debts I owe. I keep that part far from him.

  “Then you’d get sick of me,” I tease, scrubbing my fingers through his light brown hair.

  “I’d never do that.” His voice is quiet, and I pull him into a real hug…

  Not much has changed in six years.

  “Come on, Kass! Tell me why you can’t go!” Cameron holds my arm, and I smile at his persistence. That sixteen year old peeks out less and less these days.

  “I have other plans tonight.” I reach out and tug a handful of his long, thick hair. “And you need a haircut.”

  “Fuck that!” he teasingly slaps my hand away. “Chicks love my hair.”

  “How are you ever going to get a real job like this? You look like a pot head.”

  “How would you know?”

  “Trust me,” I say bitterly. “I know.”

  It’s been six months since I’ve seen my little brother, and he’s gotten even taller. He’s as free-spirited as any other young man his age, and his hair hangs past his jawline.

  My phone buzzes, and I lift it, turning away so I can cup my hand around the face as I read the text.

  His voice is suddenly serious. “You don’t have to do that, you know.”

  My insides tense, and I lift my head. “What are you talking about?”

  “You don’t have to hide it from me.”

  Lowering my oversized phone, I reach for his shoulder. “Habit.”

  A sad smile curls my lips. Any sign of weakness is deadly in my world.

  Cameron closes the space between us, wrapping his arms over my shoulders. I don’t resist his hug.

  “You’re so tall now,” I say, burying my face in his shirt. It smells like laundry detergent and something new… something manly.

  “And my hair is too long,” he adds. “It’s darker, but I still have our blue eyes. We still look alike.”

  We’re quiet several moments. I listen to his heartbeat, his breath swirling in and out, and I think about the sacrifices I’ve made to keep him safe. I’d do it all again. No questions asked.

  “You don’t have to worry. You’re going to be fine,” I say, wrapping my arms around his narrow waist and giving him a squeeze. “You’re not going to be like me.”

  “If I were like you, I’d be smart and clever, able to face down whatever life handed me. How is that a bad thing?” He rests his chin on top of my head.

  I don’t want to argue with him, so I change the subject. “What are you planning to do with this hair? Be a model?”

  I’m only part-teasing. I’m desperate for him to find a job where people count on him and expect him to show up every day. It’s another layer of protection, in addition to me, against the evil creeping around his door, watching him to see what kind of foot soldier he’ll make.

  “I’m waiting tables for now,” he says, releasing me and moving to the other side of the room where he rustles around in some boxes. He turns to me again with a dramatic flourish and the sudden Thrum! of guitar chords fills the air. “I’m going to be a musician!”

  My eyes go wide, and the protest is out before I can stop it. “Cameron, no!”

  He starts to laugh, and just as fast, he plays another chord, quickly followed by a waterfall of notes as his fingers travel the neck of the guitar, hammering out a melody. It’s clear he has talent, but I just can’t even. It’s the exact type of thing that will lead him straight into harm’s way.

  “We’re not rich people, Cameron,” I say, trying to temper my knee-jerk response.

  “Which is why I’m waiting tables.” He’s on his feet and crossing the space between us. “It’s okay, sis. I’m friends with the managers of two really popular restaurants. I’ve even met the commodore of the yacht club.”

  That draws me up short. “The yacht club? The Monagasco Yacht Club?”

  “One and the same.” Pride is thick in his voice, and I shake my head with a little laugh.

  “If you get in with those rich old snobs, my work here is done.” Picking up my hat, I take my phone and drop it in my pocket.

  He follows me to the door. “I’m little more than a court jester as far as they’re concerned.”

  “Still,” Reaching out, his hand meets mine, and I run my fingers over the calluses on his fingertips. “You’ve been doing this a while. You’re very good, and these calluses are thick.”

  My hand moves from his fingers to his square jaw. Lightly touching his face, I can’t deny he’s a handsome man. “You’ll meet some princess, and she’ll fall madly in love with you. Then you’ll be set for life.”

  “Only if I love her back,” he calls as I make my way down the stairs of his building. “When will I see you again?”

  Stopping at the door, I lift my face in his direction. “It’s probably best if I don’t spend too much time here. You have my number. Text me if you need anything. I’ll keep in touch.”

  “I love you, sis.”

  His words squeeze my heart, and I can’t stop the memories of him as a little boy, all blue eyes and tow-headed. He was so adorably cute and so trusting of me. I’ll never forget the way he’d clung to me when our aunt died, the way he cried. She was the only mother he’d ever known. The job fell to me after that, and I swore I’d never let him down. I’ve done my best to be there for him. Now it’s time for me to step out of his way. Funny how fast that time comes.

  “I love you, Cam.”

  I’m out the door just as the noise of my Uber greets me from the curb. Jumping inside, I close the door and look back out of habit. My little brother isn’t little anymore. I’ll do what I must to get him to safety, then I’ll let
him go.

  Learning

  Logan

  I’m on fire after spending less than an hour in her presence. Pushing through the door of my apartment, I hardly notice the bare walls, the absence of photographs, and only the most basic furniture. All I can see is her—her beautiful hair, her soft lips, her gorgeous body—all of which my memory is able to conjure perfectly. Every curve, every slope, every sweep is clear as a bell in my mind. How did this happen? It’s the most amazing stroke of luck I found her.

  I pace the enormous space, desire humming in my veins. This luxurious loft-studio is basically a crash pad for me between shifts at the palace. A maid service keeps it clean, otherwise it’s still white walls, dark wood floors. A king-sized bed made up in navy sheets is against the wall in the far right corner, the dark wooden headboard a stark contrast to the sparse surroundings. A full-length mirror is beside it, but I don’t even pause.

  I head straight for the bathroom, ripping off my blazer and throwing it on the chair. I pull the shirt over my head and unfasten my jeans, shoving them to the floor as I step into the glass-encased shower. Spinning the dials, I let the warm spray cover me, rubbing my hands over my face, trying to get a handle on this.

  Expensive body wash waits on the rack. It smells of rain forests and some such shit, but the suds are rich and lubricating. I lean my head against my forearm and work out the frustration of needing her right here in my fucking expensive-assed shower.

  With my eyes closed, I’m immediately back, her beautiful body wrapped around mine, the cool salt water swirling around us as I hold her against my chest and sink into her warm depths. Soft lips touch my ear and her little moans send electricity straight to my cock.

  “Kass…” I groan, massaging as the sparks of electricity snake up my legs.

  I remember the feel of our kiss tonight, the noise that ached from her throat when I claimed her. I could still see the dark, hardened peaks of her nipples, feel them between my lips, until I finish with a low groan of longing, of needing to have her with me.