He nodded. Then he pulled out a bag of gummy bears and tossed them at my chest. “Forgive and forget?”
I smiled, hugging the bag to my chest. “Forgive and forget.”
Except I wasn’t sure I wanted to forget anything.
10
Josh
I wasn’t sure I wanted to forget kissing Jenny.
I didn’t want to forget the way she begged me to touch her. The way she felt wrapped around my fingers, warm and wet. And when she came. Fuck. I had jerked off every night since to the expression on her face.
The relief.
The shock of something feeling so good.
This wouldn’t do. I couldn’t keep this shit up. I had kept myself busy, working until I was showering and passing out at night, but I would be leaving soon, and I wasn’t about to leave Jenny feeling the things I was feeling without saying anything to her.
It was time.
Sure, the timing was terrible since we were leaving each other soon, but before she took off to Texas and surrounded herself with guys who I was sure were going to be all over her, I wanted her to know I was hers.
Always.
We went inside and ate lunch together at Momma’s kitchen table, and when Genie and Jimmy got home, Jenny left and went back to her place. Things were okay between us again, but I wasn’t sure I wanted just okay.
I wanted the fire of that night at JJ’s lake house.
I wanted her begging me and the feel of her holding me close.
That night when I went to bed, I jerked off again with my eyes closed and her expression as she came on repeat in my mind. And when I unloaded in my palm, I imagined I was coming deep inside Jenny and her legs were wrapped around my hips.
Afterward, I lay there, staring at the ceiling and thinking about her and our lives together until I fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke, sure of what I was doing. I was leaving for basic in a week. A week was plenty of time to get adjusted to more than friendship. I was in love with Jenny. Hell, I had loved Jenny almost all my life, but I had fallen in love with her over the past two years.
Mom cooked pancakes for breakfast, and I shoveled them in, ready to get over to Jenny’s place and tell her everything. I was done being afraid. I was going to put it out there and see where the wind scattered it. And if by some chance it didn’t work out the way I hoped, we had weeks of me being at basic to move past it.
I was pumped and ready to spill my heart to Jenny, except when I pulled up to her house, her entire family was there. Devin’s truck was outside. Janice’s, her dad’s new girlfriend, car was there. I could hear laughter coming from inside the small house.
It was a terrible time to confess my love to Jenny. I would do it before I left for basic, but not at that moment.
Instead of getting out of my truck, I put it in reverse and backed out, knowing that I might never have the courage to tell her about my feelings again. By the time I got back to my house, I found myself relieved that I hadn’t had a chance to speak to her.
What was I thinking?
I could confess later. Not days before I was leaving for basic training. It had been a terrible idea.
Later.
Another day.
Before she left for Texas, for sure.
At least that was what I told myself every day for the next week. It wasn’t long until I was in my room packing for basic, and Jenny was there helping me. Her eyes glassy with unshed tears as she pretended not to be bothered by the fact I was leaving.
She was bothered.
I was bothered.
I didn’t want to leave her, but I knew I had to. I had to make a life for myself. One that didn’t include working the farm. A good life for me meant a good life for Jenny since I was determined to make her mine one day.
Just not today.
11
Jenny
It was the day. Josh was leaving me. And what was worse, he was leaving when things in our relationship were all fucked up. I no longer knew what we were to each other, and his leaving before we figured it out made my skin itchy. Still, instead of dwelling on it, I made sure to act as normal as possible.
Just friends.
Normal smartassed Jenny Michaels.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving for basic training,” I said, choking down a throatful of pesky emotions and pretending I wasn’t bothered by his departure.
I was more bothered than I wanted to admit. The thought of Josh leaving and going into the military left my stomach feeling weak and queasy. There was a bizarre anxious pressure on my chest I couldn’t seem to shake. Nothing ever shook me this way. They didn’t call me the stone maiden for nothing but losing Josh … he was my Achilles’ heel.
He was going to be five hours away from me in Fort Benning, Georgia, for infantry training, and I hated it. I had known for months that he was going into the Army, but time seemed to fly from the moment he told me about his plans.
Sure, I was leaving for Texas with a full ride to Texas A&M University when the fall semester started, but being home in South Carolina without him was going to feel all kinds of wrong. I only hoped I would see him again before I left for Texas.
“I know, but it’s only fourteen weeks. It’ll fly by, and I’ll be back home before you know it.” He looked up from packing his duffel and smiled reassuringly.
I was glad things didn’t feel weird. The room was tense, but we were both acting as if nothing had happened between us. If I blocked the feel of his touch and kiss from my mind, I could almost pretend the tension was sadness.
“Yeah, but then I’ll be gone.”
I shouldn’t have pointed out the obvious. Fourteen weeks was a lifetime for us, but it would be more than fourteen weeks because I was leaving for school before he was due to come home from basic. I wanted him to stay until I left for school, but I didn’t say that out loud. He couldn’t make life decisions with me in mind, and I didn’t want to make him feel bad for leaving. Not when I knew he was doing what was best for himself.
My eyes moved around his bedroom, landing on his football trophies and then the pictures taped around the mirror on his dresser. There was a picture of the entire football team with him in the center holding up the state championship trophy. A picture of him and Brandy Miller at senior prom, the same night they were crowned prom king and queen. Beside that, a picture of his old Ford truck right after he had gotten the new black paint job and had it lifted. Mostly, there were pictures of us together.
Us in our underwear when we were seven covered in mud from head to toe.
Him carrying me piggyback when we went on the school field trip to Carowinds amusement park our freshman year.
Then there was my favorite picture of all. Him hugging me close to his side, a panty-melting grin directed at the camera and me looking up at him as though he was my everything, which was exactly what he was.
“This sucks,” I whined.
He chucked a pair of his boxers at my face, and I dropped them to the floor like they were on fire.
“You’re gross. Don’t throw your diseased dick covers at me.”
He laughed, and I knew it was his laughter I was going to miss the most. Josh was a lot of things, but a funny guy was my favorite of all of them.
He shoved another T-shirt into his duffel and zipped it up.
“Diseased dick covers.” He shook his head and chuckled. “I’ll have to remember that one for the guys.”
“Don’t be stealing my digs,” I teased. “But seriously, you’re leaving me for fourteen weeks. I feel like you should have gummies for me. You’re not living up to your end of the bargain, Black.”
I rarely called him by his last name, but when I did, he knew I meant business.
He paused with his hands on his hips and sighed. “You’re leaving me, too, remember?”
There.
He said it.
The fire in my chest flamed, sucking the oxygen from my lungs with its growth. I couldn’t let him see ho
w badly I burned.
I waved away his question. “Yeah, but that’s in two months. It doesn’t count. Stop making this about you,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood. “What am I supposed to do around here without you for two whole fucking months?”
“I don’t know. Hang out with friends. Maybe a few of the girls? It’ll do you some good to hang around with a few chicks every now and again. Maybe then the town will start to realize you’re a girl.”
The look in his eyes didn’t match his playful grin. While his smile said he was teasing me, his eyes were saying he knew I was all female beneath my baggie clothes. His eyes were saying he’d felt my curves and tasted my flesh.
I looked away, searching for something I could throw back at him to keep the teasing mood going. I picked up a lighter sitting on his dresser and threw it at his head. “Screw you.”
The wrong words since I had been thinking about being with him since our last push over the edge.
He dodged the lighter and laughed. “I don’t know. It could be fun. Maybe go the beach and do all those girlie things they do.”
“Oh, yes. A day filled with nails and girl talk. Sounds like a blast.”
He shivered with disgust. “Yeah, that sounds like hell.”
“Yep.”
“We can talk on the phone some during my personal time,” he reminded me.
“Yeah, I know, but—”
“It’s not enough. I know,” he cut me off. “We’re used to being together all the time. I’m not going to lie; it’s going to suck. Who’ll protect you from all the college dicks who are going to be chasing you around A&M?”
I picked up a pillow from his bed and threw it at his head, making him laugh again.
“First of all,” I said, holding up my hand. “I’ll protect my damn self.”
“This is true,” he agreed. “They don’t stand a chance with your right hook.”
He wasn’t wrong.
Devin had taught me well. Especially after that terrible night during my sophomore year, which I now referred to as “that night.” I had fought back, making it difficult for two grown men to hold me down. I had gotten in a few hits of my own, and even then, I had some pack behind my punch, but now, I fought like a man. Never again would some asshole get the best of me.
“And secondly, there’ll be no chasing. No one chases after me now. I doubt that’ll change much in college.”
Setting his pillow back in its place, he absently said, “They don’t chase after you around here because I threatened to kill any guy who did.”
My mouth fell open at his confession. Surely, he was joking. He had to be.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“Nothing. Forget I said anything.”
“No. I’m serious. What are you talking about?”
He looked up sheepishly and shrugged. “It’s really nothing. It’s stupid.”
“I don’t care. Tell me.”
He ran his long, slender fingers through his dark hair and bit into his bottom lip.
“Oh, come on. You must know already. I’m sure someone let the cat out of the bag at some point.”
I was genuinely confused.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Seriously?” he asked. “I’m surprised no one ever told you.”
“Oh my God, stop being annoying. Told me what?”
He scratched at the tiny bit of scruff on his cheek and sighed in defeat. “Fine. Every guy in town knows if they fuck with you, they have to deal with me.”
I rolled my eyes. He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. Josh had my back. I had always known that.
“Oh. I know you have my back, but I’m not talking about bullshitting and fighting. I thought you meant chasing me because they wanted me.”
He swallowed hard, his thick throat working up and down beneath the leather cord necklace I had given him when we were fifteen. It had a silver Indian feather charm hanging from it. I had gotten it from Cherokee, North Carolina, when I went there with Dad and Devin for an impromptu fishing trip.
“That is what I’m talking about.” He rubbed at the back of his neck and averted his eyes.
He was acting nervous, which made no sense. I had seen him in his most embarrassing moments, and I didn’t feel like this was one of those moments.
“I’m confused. Why would you do that? Since when do you care about me dating?”
“Since always.”
“That’s not an answer, Josh.”
“It’s my answer. Let’s just drop it, okay? Here,” he said, reaching into his bedside table before tossing me a big bag of gummy bears. “Fill your big mouth with these and shut it. Discussion over for now.”
He had gotten me gummies. He knew his leaving was going to be hard on me. Gummy bears were my favorite, and he knew that, as well, which let me know he had gone out and bought them before I had come over to see him off.
Candy was kind of our thing. Especially when we got into an argument. When he pissed me off, he bought me gummy bears, and when I pissed him off, it was Sour Patch Kids or Starburst. It worked for us. It was our way of apologizing to each other.
I palmed the large bag of gummy bears and set them on top of his dresser beside me.
“Did you seriously threaten guys?”
I was still having a hard time understanding him, which was strange for me since I knew him better than I knew myself.
“Yeah, I kind of did.”
Then a thought occurred to me.
“Are you the reason no one ever asks me out? Because I always assumed it was because I wasn’t girlie enough, and guys didn’t notice me.”
He snorted. “They noticed. Trust me.”
His eyes moved over my chest, and heat flared to life in his gaze.
No.
We were doing so well at keeping things normal.
I couldn’t let him switch things so close to his leaving.
“You’re being weird.” I swallowed, feeling as if his room had shrunk around us.
He tossed an extra pair of socks next to his duffel on his bed and moved across the room toward me. I always loved the way Josh moved. It was a stupid thing to admire, but it was the confidence in his steps and the flex of his muscles. It was enough to make a girl sweat.
I leaned casually against his dresser like I was unfazed by his closeness when really, I was shaking inside. I had spent my entire life close to Josh, but this was different. He was being different.
He reached up and tucked my stray hairs behind my ear. I kept my hair in a ponytail, but on occasion, pieces would fall out, and I never cared enough to smooth it back.
“I’m going to miss you so fucking much, Jen. We’ve barely spent a day away from each other. How the hell am I going to handle six months without you?”
It was going to be six months. Especially if he didn’t come back from basic before I left for Texas. I wouldn’t be coming back to South Carolina until Thanksgiving, but I hadn’t thought about that. I was having a hard enough time trying to get over fourteen weeks. If I thought about six months without him, I wouldn’t let him leave.
I playfully tapped him on the arm, trying to break the strange feeling that had enveloped us. “You’re not going to. You can’t live without me.”
I was playing, but his face went serious, and I knew I had pushed a button.
“You’re right. I can’t.”
Again, I swallowed. “Then stay. Stay here with me. We can spend the summer at the river, and I’ll blow off college. We both know I’m going to end up working in Dad’s garage anyway.”
What was I saying?
The side of his mouth lifted into a flirty smile he had never directed toward me. I was seeing a side of him that was only seen by the girls he had dated over the years. It was different for me. “I can’t ask you to do that. We need to go. Me to basic training and you to college. We aren’t kids anymore, Jen. We have to start our lives.”
I
nodded in agreement. “I know. Adulting sucks already.”
He chuckled, and then once again, his face went serious. “But maybe once we’re both home, we can try something a little different?”
“What do you mean?”
He leaned back and sighed as he ran his long fingers through his dark hair. “I don’t want to fuck this up.”
“Come on, it’s me. You can’t fuck things up with me,” I said, pushing him to tell me whatever it was he wasn’t saying.
“I know. It’s just …” He paused.
“What? Just tell me.”
I was on the verge of tugging on my ponytail in aggravation. I wanted him to just spit it out. We didn’t have much time before he had to leave. I opened my mouth to once again tell him to spill the beans, but before I could say anything, he leaned in and pressed his warm lips against mine.
I had only been kissed a handful of times in my life. Once during freshman year by an asshole on a dare. I punched him and broke his nose. Even though I had only been protecting myself, I was suspended from school for a week.
When I got back to school, I was told Josh had kicked the boy’s ass after school in the parking lot. I also found out he had been dared to kiss me because every boy in school thought I was a dangerous ride due to my brother, Devin, and his lethal fists.
Sure, I was boyish, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to experience things like a decent first kiss, and when it came to Devin, he had calmed down quite a bit since he became a married man with a little girl looking up to him and a baby boy on the way.
The second time was during “that night,” and I didn’t discuss that night ever.
Josh’s kisses were unlike anything else in the world. When he kissed me, I could forget the rest. I closed my eyes and wiped away the thoughts of those terrible kisses that were forced on me. In my mind, neither of them counted, which meant Josh was my first, and he was the perfect candidate for the job. I went up on my tiptoes to get closer to him, filling myself with his essence and allowing him to somehow become a part of me. It was the best experience of my life.
Thick & Thin (Chubby Girl Chronicles Book 3) Page 8
