“No. I’m not leaving him. Go home to Emma and get some rest. I’ll call you later. Thank you for everything.”
I didn’t wait for her to respond before I climbed from her car and shut the passenger side door. Adjusting my bag on my shoulder, I sprinted to the front door and knocked. No one answered right away. It wasn’t until the third knock that the doorknob turned.
Genie opened the door, her big brown eyes rimmed in sadness and gloom.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hey.”
Usually, she would walk away from the open door, expecting me to follow her and close it, but this time was different. She closed the door around her body, not allowing me to see inside the home I had practically grown up in, and her face went stiff.
“What’s up?” I asked. “I’m here to see Josh.”
She looked behind her as if she were asking what to do. When she turned back around, her face was pale.
“He’s sleeping.”
I moved closer to the door. “That’s fine. I won’t wake him. I just want to see him.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she responded, her slim fingers turning white with her tight hold on the front door.
“Genie, what the fuck? Just let me in. I don’t have time for this.”
Her usual smartassed expression was wiped clean, and instead, her eyes softened as if she were truly sorry for keeping me out.
“Jenny, I can’t.”
“Why not?” I asked, confused.
“Because he doesn’t want to see you.”
An invisible dagger lodged itself in my heart.
“Excuse me?”
She frowned and cleared her throat. “I said, he doesn’t want to see you.”
That was a lie.
“Did he really say that?” I asked, sure she was full of shit.
Her face grew even softer, and she nodded, the knot of hair on the top of her head shifting with the movement. “He did.”
I could hardly believe what I was hearing.
This wasn’t right at all.
“Why the hell not? This is stupid. Just let me in,” I repeated, pressing my hand against the door to push it open.
The heavy oak door didn’t budge.
“For real, Jenny. This is serious. He specifically said not to let you in. He’ll call you when he’s up to it, okay?”
I reached up and tugged on my ponytail. This was unacceptable. I had rushed from Texas to see him, and that was exactly what I was going to do.
“No. I rushed all the way here from Texas. I’ve been miserable. I just need to see him. I just need to know he’s okay.”
Tears pressed at the back of my eyelids, but it would be over my dead body before I cried in front of someone.
She tugged the door closer as if she thought I was going to force my way inside, and she said, “I’m sorry. He’ll call you.”
She moved back and tried to close the door in my face, shocking me and breaking my heart at the same time, but I wasn’t having it. I shoved my foot in the opening, keeping her from closing the door, and using all the strength I owned, I pushed on the door with both palms, slamming the door open and pushing Genie back.
“What the fuck, Jenny!”
I ignored her, making my way to Josh’s room. It was a path I had taken countless times before. Genie called out my name, but I kept moving until I found myself crashing through Josh’s door.
He was standing next to his window looking out at the pasture behind their place. His arm was in a cast, and there was dark bruising beneath his eyes. A large cut pulled at the side of his mouth, and a bandage covered part of his chin. He turned toward me with wide eyes and shook his head.
“Josh.” His name escaped my lips like a prayer. “Why didn’t you want to see me?” I asked, feeling angry with him yet relieved to see him at the same time.
He shook his head, his eyes emotionless as he looked back at me. “It’s not a good time, Jen.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, refusing to leave.
“I tried to stop her,” Genie huffed behind me. “But you know how stubborn Jenny can be.”
At his sister’s words, the side of his mouth tilted into a ghost of a grin. “Yeah. It’s okay, Genie. Just give us a minute.”
I shut the door in Genie’s face, hearing her bitch behind the thick wood.
“I can’t believe you,” I said, throwing my arms in the air in frustration. “We’ve been through everything together. Did you really think I wasn’t going to push my way in here?”
“This is different,” he whispered.
I had never seen Josh so defeated. His skin was pale, and his eyes were dead and full of sadness. He looked everywhere but directly in my eye.
“You’re damn right it’s different, but it doesn’t matter. I’m here. I’ll always be here for you, Josh.”
He dropped his gaze and shook his head. “Please leave. I don’t want to see you right now.”
I sucked in a breath as if he had struck me, but instead of lashing out, I nodded and backed away toward his door.
“Is this because of what I did?”
His brows pulled low in confusion. “What did you do?”
“I was on top. I mean, if you didn’t want to, then you should have …”
“Oh my God!” He flipped the switch, going from sad and soft-spoken to angry. “Sex with you is the last thing on my fucking mind, Jenny! Get out!”
“But, Josh—” I started.
“I said get out!” He cut me off, and I flinched at his words.
He had never talked to me like that.
My words were sucked out of me, the pain inside burning them before they reached my tongue. I turned away from him before he could see me cry and fled his bedroom. I heard his mom call out to me as I cut through the house toward the front door, but I didn’t respond.
The front door slammed behind me before I ran down the steps of the front porch and began to jog across the yard to the driveway. I couldn’t get away from that house and him fast enough.
I probably should have called Lilly to come and get me, but I couldn’t think straight. Instead, I ran and jogged the five miles to my house.
Dad and Devin were in the front yard when I came running up the driveway. I hadn’t even realized I was crying.
“Jenny?” my dad called out to me.
“What happened? What did he do?” Devin asked, ready for a fight without even knowing the details.
Ignoring them, I ran up the stairs to the house and through the door. I didn’t stop until I was standing in the center of the kitchen, staring back at Lilly who had Emma on her hip.
“Aunt Jenny!” Emma exclaimed with happiness.
I didn’t respond. Instead, I just stood there staring back at them.
“Jenny? Are you okay?” Lilly asked, but before I could answer, the room shifted around me.
I reached out for the counter, feeling myself lose the fight with my balance, but my legs went weak before I could catch myself. I passed out in the center of the kitchen and dropped to the floor in a heap of sweaty heartache.
16
Josh
When I woke in a hospital in Germany, I was no longer the boy I used to be. War was no fucking joke, and getting blown to hell by an IED wasn’t either. Physically, I had cuts and bruises from flying debris. My right arm was broken, and I had a few broken fingers and two broken ribs. My lower stomach and thighs were killing me thanks to a piece of heavy metal that landed on top of me and crushed one of my testicles.
The doctors said I would be able to perform again, but I would never father children. The fucked-up part was, the piece of metal that took away my ability to have a family was also the reason I survived. It had taken from me and shielded me at the same time.
I couldn’t complain.
At least I was alive.
Others hadn’t been so lucky.
We lost three men that day, and everyone in the convoy was injured. My buddy Clark lost b
oth his legs, and Johnson, the oldest in our group, had lost an arm, and the side of his face was burned to hell. I had been lucky, and Ashley, the only woman traveling in our convoy who had been sitting directly beside me, had been lucky, as well.
At least that was what I thought.
It wasn’t until a week later that all the terrible stuff began to happen. I began to slowly lose touch with reality. I was experiencing extreme headaches and irrational bouts of anger. I kept forgetting where I was, and I would freak out, thinking I was lost. Sometimes, small flashes of memory would explode in my brain and push me over the edge. I would find myself swinging at everything and nothing all at once. The flight from Germany had almost done me in.
I thought for sure once my bones healed, I could get my shit straight and get back in the field, but that wasn’t going to happen. I hadn’t expected the severe bouts of anxiety that had me thinking everyone was out to kill me or the terrible nightmares that left me breathless and grabbing for guns that were no longer at my side.
The explosion happened several times a day from that point on. Except no one else heard it or saw it. I was left looking like a crazed maniac who was dangerous not only to myself but everyone around me too.
By the time I reached American soil, I knew I was no longer the Josh my family and friends remembered. The carefree me was long gone, and in his stead was a crazy fucker who had delusions and could snap at the drop of a hat.
My parents welcomed me home with open arms, but I knew I couldn’t stay. I never wanted to be a burden on them, and while I was physically doing well, mentally I was a mess. I never felt at ease, even in my own bed in the home I grew up in.
Word moved through a small town like a tsunami, filling people’s mouths with the gossip of my injuries and how bad it was or wasn’t. I knew it was only a matter of time before Jenny came running home from Texas for me. I wasn’t even home for twenty-four hours before she came bursting into my bedroom. Her hair was unruly, and her cheeks were flushed. She was wild with worry for me, and at that moment, she had been the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on.
I wanted to go to her. I needed her to hold me and tell me I everything was going to be okay. Jenny had always been a comfort in my life. My best friend. The person who knew me better than I knew myself, but I loved Jenny enough to know I was no good for her. I cared about her too much to put all my bullshit on her.
I couldn’t see her, and I especially didn’t want her to see me. Not in the shape I was in. I didn’t want her to see me so broken and fucked up. I needed help, and while Jenny had always been the one to get me through the hard times in my life, I knew what was going on with me was too much for her.
Even though it was more painful than any explosion of war, I did something I had never done before. I pushed her away. I yelled at her, treating her in a way no candy could ever fix. I was essentially throwing rocks at her to keep her away from a dangerous boulder.
Me.
I was unsafe.
And over my dead body would I put her in any kind of jeopardy.
She fled my room before her tears could fall, and I appreciated that. I wasn’t sure I could keep it up if she cried, but I knew it was for the best. I wouldn’t do this to her. I wouldn’t pull her down with me. My life was over, but hers was just beginning. I loved her enough to leave her alone and let her go, and that was exactly what I was doing.
When you were as broken as I was and you loved something, you set it free and prayed to God it stayed gone.
17
Jenny
“Would you like to ask your family to leave the room before I give you, you’re results?” the ER doctor asked when he entered the room.
Oh God.
I was dying.
I had a brain tumor or an aneurysm. My mind went over all the things that could make me pass out and kill me, and I felt my heart rate speed up.
Death.
It was the only reason he would ask a question like that. He didn’t want my family to be there to get the terrible news that I was slowly dying from some terrible disease.
Lilly reached out and took my hand reassuringly, somehow knowing I was on the verge of freaking out.
I shook my head and squeezed her hand.
“No. Just give it to me straight, Doc.”
“Well … you’re pregnant, Miss Michaels,” the ER doctor said without even looking at me.
The sip of water Devin had been taking from the little plastic cup a nurse had given him spewed, and he started to choke. My dad’s face paled, and Lilly’s hand went limp in mine.
“What the fuck?” Devin said, swiping at his mouth.
The doctor didn’t seem to notice my family’s reaction to the news. If he had, then he played it off nicely. He scratched notes on the pages on his clipboard and checked his watch before marking the time on the paper.
“That’s impossible,” I stated, positive his equipment and tests were faulty.
“Excuse me?” Finally, he looked up at me.
He was an older man, his salt and pepper hair thinning up top and his blue eyes watery.
I looked around the room, taking in the worried faces of my family.
“I mean, I’m on the pill. I’ve been on the pill since I was fourteen to regulate my period. Not to mention, I’m not having sex.”
My dad and Devin breathed a sigh of relief, trusting my word and sure that the doctor had it wrong.
The doctor cleared his throat and scratched at his temple in confusion. “I’m sorry. Are you saying you’re a virgin?”
Suddenly, I wished I had cleared the room before having this talk with the doctor. It wasn’t fun admitting you were no longer a virgin in front of your dad and overprotective brother.
“Well, I mean, there was once, but that was—”
“Once is all it takes,” the doctor interrupted me.
“Shit,” Devin muttered, standing and leaving the room.
He almost ripped the curtain down separating the space we were in from the person next to us when he left. My cheeks flooded with heat, embarrassed for myself and for the way my brother was acting.
Lilly stood and patted my shoulder. “I’ll go check on him.”
Once she left the room, Dad scratched at the back of his neck and cleared his throat nervously. “I think I’ll just give y’all a minute.”
It’s not like it mattered at that point, but I was relieved when everyone left.
“I understand it only takes once, but like I said, I’m on the pill,” I repeated.
“Do you take it like you’re supposed to?” he asked.
I snickered; positive I had done what I was supposed to do. I took my pill like clockwork at the same time every night. “Without fail every night.”
“Hmm. Have you been on any antibiotics lately? Some affect the potency of the birth control pill.”
“Nope,” I answered confidently. “I haven’t been on any kind of …” And then I paused.
The memory of being too sick to go to visitation and see Josh flashed through my mind. I had been on antibiotics for fourteen days thanks to a serious upper respiratory infection.
My mind spun like a top.
Birth control.
Antibiotics.
Potency.
The words rushed through my brain like a freight train.
“Son of a bitch,” I muttered to myself, running my palms over my stomach in shock.
The doctor covered his mouth, hiding his smile I was sure.
I had missed my period, although I had been too busy to even think about it. I had missed periods before. It was the main reason I was even on the birth control pill. Still, I began counting the days in my mind.
As if realizing what I was doing, the doctor said, “Based on the date of your last period, you’re about twelve weeks, but you’ll know more after you first OB appointment. Do you have any questions?”
He wasn’t serious.
I had about a million and two questions, but at
that moment, nothing came to mind. I shook my head, feeling the disbelief setting in. There was a baby in my stomach somewhere. Swimming around like it wasn’t about to rock my world and turn my life upside down.
The doctor handed me my discharge papers, and I closed my numb fingers around them. I checked out of the hospital on autopilot and met my family in the waiting room.
The drive home from the hospital was quiet. I sat in the back of Devin and Lilly’s Expedition beside my dad and kept my eyes out the window, watching as the town passed by.
I waited for someone to start asking questions or, at the very least, freak out, but that didn’t happen. Devin stewed as he drove, simmering like a pot until I was sure he would boil over and explode. Lilly looked over at him from the passenger seat every few minutes to see if he was ready to burst.
And Dad … he didn’t even look at me.
Nineteen and pregnant. It wasn’t exactly how I had planned my life, but before I made any crazy decisions, I needed to talk to Josh. He would know what to do. He would make everything better, but I wasn’t sure if it was a good time. He had just gotten home from a terrible experience. Not to mention, he wasn’t even willing to see me, but I wouldn’t give up. This was Josh. My best friend. The first man I ever loved, and the first person and hopefully the last person I ever gave my body to.
When we pulled into the driveway, it was late. Devin didn’t speak to me, but Lilly turned my way, and said, “Go inside and get some rest. I’ll come by tomorrow, and we’ll have lunch and talk, okay?”
I nodded, reaching over to open the door to get out.
“See you at work tomorrow,” Dad said to Devin. “Lilly, get home and put your feet up, baby. Our little wild boy will be here before you know it.”
He leaned up and kissed her on the cheek before he opened his door, got out, and went inside.
Everyone was either disappointed in me or in shock like I was.
I stood on the porch until the Devin’s taillights disappeared. I didn’t bother going inside. Instead, I took the steps and went to Dad’s truck. He left his keys in his truck since it wasn’t worth much, and we lived in the middle of nowhere, and I climbed inside and cranked it. He never said anything when I borrowed his truck every now and again, so I didn’t worry.
Thick & Thin (Chubby Girl Chronicles Book 3) Page 11
