A Sky Full of Stars

by Melissa Josias

  Benjamin drops his suitcase and hurries toward me. I throw myself into his arms without a word. We drop to our knees. I can’t hold him tight enough. I want to merge with him, to have him carry me inside his bones so that we can always be together.

  “Abby,” Ben breathes into my hair. He’s hugging me so hard it’s beginning to get difficult to breathe. “Don’t you ever do that again, do you hear me? Ever.” It’s so good to hear his voice. His accent is so out of place. I adore it.

  “I’m sorry. I am. I am so sorry.”

  “Let me look at you,” he says and breaks the hug. He touches my face, my ears, my shoulders, making sure I am real. “Are you okay?”

  I nod. People are looking at us now. Ben’s eyes dart all over me, making sure that every piece of me is accounted for.

  “Fucking Los Angeles?” he asks, shaking his head in disbelief. “Jesus Christ.”

  I pull him into me, kissing his cheek, and hold him for a few more minutes. I breathe him in, all of his Benness, over and over again. When we stand, Ben helps me up from the ground. I can’t stop smiling.

  Eric finally steps in and introduces himself. They shake hands, Ben taking him in from head to toe surreptitiously. He is about a foot taller and a skin shade darker than Eric. “Nice to meet you,” he says in his low tone. “Thanks for calling, and for arranging everything with me.”

  Eric presses his lips together, dimples showing. “How was the flight?”

  Benjamin retrieves his luggage from the floor, and stands with it like it’s a walking stick. “It was exhausting.” He sighs. “The layover killed me.”

  “Wanna get out of here?”

  “Hell, yes.”

  I walk arm in arm with Ben as we leave, Eric slightly ahead, his gait deliberate. Ben kisses me on the side of the head, but says nothing. I can tell that he’s taking in all of the surroundings, trying to catch up with his new environment. We walk for the most part in silence, until we reach the Jeep and Eric loads the suitcase into the back of the car.

  “I’ll drop you off at my place for a while,” Eric says, starting the Jeep. “I need to work this afternoon, so you guys can catch up while I’m gone.”

  “I really appreciate this,” Ben says in his South African drawl, sliding into the backseat with me. “I know the trip was a bit unplanned, but I’m grateful for what you’re doing.” Ben smiles at me. “For all you’ve done.”

  Eric gives him a curt nod in the rear-view mirror and starts to drive. I hold onto Ben’s arm as the freeway buzzes past us, our windows open. None of us speak again until we reach the apartment. Even after we are inside, I still cling to Ben like he might disappear, like he isn’t real in the first place.

  *

  Eric leaves for his shift at the coffee shop almost immediately after we get back. I’m sure he’s only supposed to be there at midday, but he makes his excuses and hurriedly says goodbye before almost bolting for the door. I watch from the window as he gets into his car and drives away, while Benjamin walks through the apartment, taking stock of everything.

  “Man, this place is gorgeous,” he says, coming to stand next to me. “Do you have any idea how much we’d pay for a place like this back home?”

  I shrug, uninterested. Something’s bothering me, a twinge in the back of my mind. I’d seen a car pull away after Eric when he’d left, and something about it had seemed familiar, but I can’t quite grasp it.

  “Eric seems like a good guy,” Ben encourages, waiting for me to take the bait. I turn from the window and sit down on the couch. He follows, and we sit there, knees touching.

  I nod. “He is,” I tell him, smiling softly. “He’s...great, actually.”

  Ben narrows his eyes at me. “But you don’t really know who this guy is? I mean, you’ve known him for what? A week?”

  “Just about.”

  Ben laughs, but there is no humour behind it. “Do you realize how incredibly ridiculous that sounds? Like almost to the point of insanity.”

  I pull a face at him. “Insanity is a good word for it. I’ll take it.”

  “Abby, I’m being serious,” he says, and runs his hands over his face. “I don’t think it’s right that you’re being so insouciant about this.”

  I sit back on the couch. “Spare me, please.”

  “You can’t just run away to the other side of the world, shack up with some guy you barely know, and try to find ways to kill yourself.”

  “I didn’t do it in that order.”

  “Not my point, Abby. You can’t just do that,” Ben says. “I mean, clearly you can because you already have, but what I’m trying to say is that this is not who you are.”

  I sit up. “How would you know? How do you know who I am? I don’t. I was trying to figure it out, but that didn’t get me anywhere. So this is me apologizing.”

  “Apologizing for what?”

  “For not making you proud. For being nothing.” I lower my eyes from his. “For what I’m not.”

  Ben reaches for my hand. “I don’t give a shit about what you’re not. All I care about is what you are, and you are my best friend in the entire world.” Ben scoots closer to me. “Abby, you are the only person on this planet that I would die without. Not even Nina knows that.”

  I consider this. “You probably shouldn’t tell her, either. She has a mean streak.”

  Ben smiles. “You’re joking.”

  I shrug with one shoulder.

  “For what it’s worth,” Ben says, pulling at my nose and wiggling it, something he’s done since we were young, “you don’t look as bad as you sounded on the phone. I don’t know much about this Eric character, but he seems to have looked after you quite well. He gets props for that.”

  I think of the first day I met Eric, and how he talked me off a rooftop. I don’t tell Ben any of this, but smile to myself.

  “I’m glad you’re here, Benji.”

  Benjamin pulls me into a hug. I rest my head against his clavicle, breathing him in. “Of course you are,” he says, his words echoing through his chest. “You’d totally fall apart without me.”

  *

  Eric comes home just after six looking like he needs a nap and a shave. He walks in carrying takeaway containers in a plastic bag and goes straight to the kitchen where he dumps espresso beans into the coffee grinder.

  I skip toward him and hang around him like an eager five-year-old. “How was work?”

  He shoots me a quick glance. “It was good. Did you guys eat yet? I got Thai.”

  “Not yet. We were planning on ordering something, so thanks.” The coffee machine comes to life and Eric reaches for a cup on the sink. “Didn’t you just come back from a place where you make this all day?”

  Eric stretches his neck, cracking it in several places. “It’s illegal for me to drink on the job.”

  His joke falls flat between us, writhing on the floor. His eyes are dark. I want to touch him, to have my fingers reacquaint themselves with the feel of his skin.

  “Is everything okay?”

  Eric chews on his thumbnail. His eyes flicker to the window behind me, then come back. “I think Luna is following me.”

  The locks click into place. The car I’d seen pulling out behind him earlier. “I think I saw her driving behind you when you left.”

  Eric exhales loudly. His shoulders tense up. “Oh, God. I really need her not to turn into a psycho right now.”

  “Did she say anything to you?”

  “No. She just sat outside in the parking lot the entire time. I pretended not to see her.” Eric walks away from me, and starts pacing circles in his living room. “Where’s Ben?”

  “He’s taking a walk around the block. He likes to watch the sun set.”

  Eric nods absentmindedly. “You should take him to Venice Beach. It’s great this time of day.”

  I walk over to him and hold onto his elbow. “I know I was a little mad at you last night, and things were weird this morning, but are we okay?”

  Eric blink
s a few times. He smiles very softly at me. He comes in closer and rests his forehead against my shoulder. He keeps his eyes closed and we breathe around each other for a few seconds. “It was like he came in and just swept you away.”

  I move my mouth to his ear. “I’m still right here. I didn’t go anywhere.”

  Eric lifts his head and kisses me, the softest kiss ever. The Northern Lights shimmer behind my eyelids.

  “I have to go see Charlie tomorrow about the job. Do you want to come with me? We could go to the beach after. I need to surf.”

  I smile, exhaling in relief. “That sounds perfect.”

  Ben suddenly appears at the front door, whistling. Eric and I separate quickly, standing arbitrarily in the living room. If he noticed anything lingering between Eric and myself, Ben doesn’t let on.

  “I just met the nicest girl on my walk outside,” Ben says, closing the door behind him. “I can’t say for sure, but she may have been flirting with me,” he says, looking very pleased with himself.

  I pull a face at him. “Did she happen to notice that wedding band on your finger?”

  Ben sticks out his tongue at me and sits down on the couch. “She was very interested in your apartment, actually,” he says, directed to Eric. “I think maybe she wants to rent it or something.”

  Eric starts to unpack the takeout, lining up the boxes next to each other. “What do you mean? My loft isn’t up for sale or rent.”

  Benjamin shrugs.

  “Did she say who she was?” I ask, standing over Ben near the couch.

  Ben shakes his head. “No, but she did give me her name. What was it again?” He screws his face up while trying to remember. “I don’t know. It was strange. Starburst? Or something about the moon?”

  “Luna.” Eric and I say in unison.

  Ben’s face lights up with recognition. “Yes! That’s it.”

  Eric gives me a look. Ben picks up on it.

  “What? Is she some crazy ex-girlfriend or something?”

  Eric straightens. “Is she still around?”

  “She might be.”

  Eric heads for the door. “I’ll be right back.”

  Ben and I watch as he goes, leaving the door open behind him. Ben gets up to inspect the food on the table. “Oh my God. I’m starving,” he says and shoots me a look. “Abs, while Cheekbones is busy dealing with Single White Female out there, do you think he’d mind if I ate?”

  A Brief History Lesson – 5 Years Ago

  When I was fifteen, during Priscilla Green’s birthday party, Benjamin pulled me away from the crowd of awkward teenagers and dragged me into one of the bathrooms on the upstairs level. We’d been there for almost three hours and I was bored out of my mind. Benjamin, who at that point was a broody, almost seventeen-year-old, had been pacing around the back garden by the cold drinks and stale chips all afternoon, and I’d lost sight of him sometime after that. I was ready to call it quits on the party and get my dad to come pick me up when Ben appeared out of nowhere and pushed me into the bathroom.

  Immediately, without giving me time to assess the situation, his lips were on mine, and he was kissing me so deeply my fingertips were tingling. The bathroom smelt like soap and toilet cleaner. Benjamin’s hand slipped under my shirt, cupped my left breast softly. My skin was on fire. I was holding onto the band of his jeans, my knuckles grazing the skin on his hips.

  Suddenly, Benjamin stopped and pulled away from my lips. He tasted like strawberry Fizzers. When I opened my eyes, he wasn’t looking at me, but was blinking rapidly like he was trying to clear something from his vision. He leaned forward again, his breath hot on my ear. His hand slipped out from under my shirt, but I still held onto him, waiting for an explanation.

  “Abernathy, I love you.”

  We were in a frozen half hug, pressed against the door.

  “I love you too, Benji.”

  Ben pulled back, and looked at me. “I’m sorry,” he said, and rested his forehead against mine. “You’re too special for me to do this. I’ll only end up hurting you.”

  I didn’t know what he was talking about, and I had no idea where any of it was coming from, but I knew he was asking something of me that only I could give.

  “You’re a good guy, Ben.”

  He smiled softly, and kissed me lightly on the mouth. He straightened my shirt, and opened the door. Chanel Koopman was leaning against the wall, waiting to use the bathroom, and her eyebrows rose into her hairline when she saw me exiting with Ben.

  I’d been kissed once before then, by Alex Newman during one of Ben’s rugby matches, but nothing like the way Ben had kissed me.

  For months after that, I obsessed over that kiss. About the way it felt, his fingers on my skin, his body against mine. Whenever he walked into a room, or when he would come pick me up to watch a movie, or just when someone said his name, I’d think about that afternoon and my skin would flush. But then Ben found Hanna, and I found Luke, and the kiss faded into non-existence, but the “I love you” always stayed.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Eric manages to avoid a confrontation with Luna because she is gone by the time he gets downstairs. We have dinner together, the three of us, and sit in pretence until it gets too late to stay. Ben is uncomfortable staying over at the loft, although he never says it directly, so he opts to spend his first night in California much like I had, in a motel room. As his friend, he expects me to come with him and I can’t – and don’t want to – refuse.

  “Thank you for supper,” I hear Ben say to Eric as I excuse myself to use the bathroom. There hasn’t been an opportunity for them to speak with each other without me present, so I loiter in the bathroom a little longer than necessary. I throw my things into the suitcase, somewhat distracted by the conversation happening in the kitchen. I’m curious to know what’s being said between the two of them so I hide behind the bedroom door, listening to Ben and Eric speak.

  I sneak a look around the corner and see Eric leaning against the kitchen sink, a habit of his, arms folded over his chest. I can’t see Ben.

  “I should have known something was wrong,” I hear Ben say, keeping his voice hushed. “She used to get this vacant look on her face, you know, like she was thinking of being somewhere else.”

  I sink back into the room, listening. Eric doesn’t say anything.

  “I guess she was,” Ben continues. “She’s never done anything remotely similar to this before. I’m still astounded.”

  Eric’s voice is crisp, like the snap of honeycomb. “She’s doing okay for now. She’s not interested in rooftops anymore.”

  “Rooftops? You’ve lost me.”

  Their accents bounce off each other, ricocheting along the walls of the apartment. I make an appearance at the doorway, suitcase in hand. “Okay, I’m ready.”

  Eric drives us to a motel about ten minutes away and while Ben checks in, we stand in between the headlights of the Jeep, the night sky closing in on us.

  “You know, you don’t have to stay here tonight. It can still be just you and me,” Eric says, his shoulders brushing mine as we take in the night.

  I grin at him. “I think it would be better if I stay with Ben tonight. Keep him company.”

  Eric sighs softly and acquiesces. “Okay.”

  I brush my fingers with his as Ben approaches.

  “Abs, I’m going to be broke before I get home. The exchange rate is killing me.”

  Eric walks us to our room. It’s better than where I had stayed at the other motel, but it still isn’t great. Eric surveys the room like he had the first night we met, where I had resigned myself to my fate. That seems like an entire lifetime ago.

  “Looks like you’re all set,” Eric says, politely not mentioning that there is only a double bed in the room, although I’m sure he’s noticed. “I’ll be off then.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, right? We’re still on for the beach?”

  Eric grins, his cheekbones more pronounced. “I’ll pick you up around three.�
� He kisses me on the cheek, and then waves a goodbye to Ben and leaves.

  Ben comes to stand by me as we watch Eric drive away, pulling into a lane of traffic and disappearing. “He cares about you.”

  I smile and step back into the room. “Lucky me, huh? Looks like someone’s watching out for me.”

  Ben stays at the door, peering out. “I need a beer. I’ve got like, twenty dollars in cash. Do you think it will be enough?”

  We take a walk to a liquor store near the motel, where Benjamin buys some inexpensive beer and a bag of Cheetos. If someone had told me last month that I’d be walking the streets of Los Angeles with my best friend carrying chips and beer, I’d laugh my head off. But here we are, two people who do not belong among the locals, heading in for the night.

  Ben kicks off his shoes as soon as we get back. I close the door and sit on the bed, shoulders starting to get heavy.

  “Nina won’t let me have beer anymore,” Ben says, twisting a cap off one of the beer bottles. “She says that she’ll leave me if I get a beer belly.” He takes a swig from the bottle, and pulls a face. “Jesus, this tastes like shit,” he says in Afrikaans, scrutinizing the bottle in hand. “I’d kill for a Castle right now.”

  I shift up to the top of the bed and lean back against the headboard. “How is Nina?”

  Ben takes another swig of beer; grimaces again. “She’s okay. She’s a little stressed with work. She actually wanted to come with me to bring you back but I convinced her that we don’t have twelve grand to spend on another ticket.”

  My eyes fall to the middle of the bed, thinking. Ben isn’t exactly poor, but he’s sacrificed a lot to get here. Nina, his wife of almost two years, is sacrificing the same too.

  I rub my lips together. “Did you come here to bring me back?”

  Ben’s eyes shift, and his body steels. “You bet your ass I did.”

  I lower my eyes. “What if I said that I don’t want to go back?”