“Why won’t they just leave me alone? Leave us alone.” Too much damage has already been done. I feel like I have been violated all over again. They cannot see him. Ever. Never ever. I won’t let it happen. I need to be strong.
My mother is by my side, kneeling in front of me. She places her hand over my belly and begins to pray. I close my eyes. “Dear Lord, please bless this beautiful child who has miraculously come into our lives. I know he is a blessing from you, Lord Jesus, and we ask for your love to fill our hearts at this difficult time. We give ourselves to you and know whatever happens is your will. Please Lord give us patience and grace to handle anything that may come our way. Give us strength please Lord and strength to this helpless baby, Amen.”
I am weeping through my closed eyes and I believe that the words my mother is saying have truly reached the heavens. She is right. My son is here for a reason and there is a plan for our family. For my little warrior and for me. I will be strong enough for both of us. “Thank you, Mom, I needed that. You have no idea. I will fight tooth and nail for my child, and I will win!”
Chapter 15
Change
I have a meeting with my mother’s friend, the lawyer, at the end of the week. We need to have a game plan. Until then, I am going back to work. I need to keep myself busy, as do my parents. After my dad found out about the preliminary court hearing and my very unpleasant telephone conversation, I had to talk him out of going to track down Dr. Knox and doing what we all want to do to him. I feel like my entire family is suffering along with me, which is infuriating. None of us deserve this. I mean, how much longer can we hold it together? It’s like the moment we get somewhat happy we get a huge slap in the face. Distraction is good. I need to go to work.
I end up working twelve hours my first day back, which I know is completely ridiculous, but the day flew by. I tried my best to focus on work and not let the drama seep in, but of course it did every now and again. Okay, more like every other minute. I am trying so hard to keep it together but there is only so much I can take. When I arrive at my parents, I get a call from the realtor and we get to close on my house on Tuesday of next week. Yay! At least a little good news and moving will be a great way for us to try and forget, even if for a moment about our troubles.
I call Jessica first to tell her the good news. Of course, she answers after just one ring. “Hey, where have you been all day? I have been calling you.” Geez, worry much.
“Sorry, mom! I had to work.” I can barely contain my smirk.
“Ha-ha, very funny. Seriously with all the worry you put me through this year you damn well better call me every, I don’t know, two hours at least!” I laugh out loud. How ridiculous. She has got to be kidding. “I mean it Nettie. I am scared when I don’t hear from you. I feel like I am constantly on edge.” Wow, I didn’t realize that all of this is affecting more than just my parents and me.
“Sorry, Jessie. I guess I have been a little insensitive to my friends. I won’t make you worry again. In fact, I called to tell you that I will be getting the keys to my new place next week and although it sucks being winter and all, I was hoping you would help me move.” I say this in the sweetest, please don’t hate me tone and she sighs in defeat.
“Yes, of course, anything for you. I am sick of moving you though, you know. So, could you please stick around this place a while, eh?”
“Sure thing. I promise. Evan and I won’t be leaving there for a very long time.” We hang up and I decide I better start packing. I find a few boxes around the house and start to pack up just some of my clothes that I cannot fit into anymore. Almost everything I have is in storage, so I don’t have to do much. I gently fold my most comfortable jeans and pack them away. I hope I can fit in them next year. The thought makes me sad. I have never had to work very hard at being fit but I can see the effects of baby on my ass and thighs. I thought girls gave you big asses. That must be an old wives’ tale because I have certainly proved that theory wrong.
Next, I decide to pack a few of my books and photos. I come across some old CDs tucked away. Why I still have some of these is beyond me. Who even listens to CDs anymore? Most of these are from high school. As I flip through, I am reminded of parties, proms and wonderful memories with my friends. Oh, to go back to that time just one night. Now I am strolling around my room singing along to my party anthems from years ago. I am such a loser!
I decide I have done well enough for today and stack the lighter boxes in the corner. When I turn around my dad is in the doorway holding in his laughter. “Jesus, Dad you scared the crap out of me!” I put my hand on my chest trying to contain my heart. “Did you enjoy the show? I know I am a little rusty, but I think I can still get the crowd going.” I smirk at him.
“Very entertaining. I had no idea you could sing so, um, well.” I roll my eyes at him with my hands on my now very wide hips. “What exactly are you doing in here anyway?” he says gesturing to the boxes.
“Well, I close on the new house next week and I thought I would just get a few of the easy things out of the way to make less work for you, Dad,” I give him my best I am the greatest daughter in the world grin.
“Oh,” he is frowning now. I figured they would be a little disappointed, but we all knew this day would come eventually. “I was just kind of hoping you would at least stay until the baby was born. I mean what happens if you go into labor and you’re by yourself?” I tilt my head at him. He looks like the child, not the parent. His beautiful eyes green today. He looks pitiful.
“Daddy” I walk over, reaching up and putting my arm around him. “You know I will call the second I am in labor and expect you and Mom to be there at a moment’s notice. Don’t worry we’ll be fine, really.” I stroke my little warrior and my dad visibly relaxes.
“I know babe. I just worry about my little girl and my soon to be namesake,” he pats my belly and offers up a weak smile. “Come on, let’s go get some dinner,” he grabs my hand and pulls me into a quick hug.
My mother has made yet again, a fantastic meal of stuffed sweet peppers and mashed potatoes. Mmmm, I am going to miss this so much when I am living alone. Maybe she will make me a few things so that I can stock my freezer. Good idea Nettie, she can’t say no to her prego daughter.
*
Finally, the day has arrived to meet with my lawyer, and I can hardly wait. I just need some reassurance that I have nothing to worry about. I need someone who knows what they are talking about to say it out loud that my child cannot and will not be taken by that monster.
We arrive at a cozy office in the downtown area, surrounded by corporate offices. It is a small brick building with a sign that reads Lewis Law Offices. A bit of a tongue twister. I have spoken to Mr. Lewis on the phone and he seems nice enough. I felt very comfortable talking to him because he seems fond of my mother. Very fond in fact. I wonder if they ever dated. I’ll have to ask her sometime. Not now. When we enter, a young man sits at a small desk in the waiting area and we approach. He looks up and pauses eyeing me. What, do I have something on my face? He stands to extend a hand.
“Ms. Madison. Hello, Mr. Lewis will be available in a few moments. He is just on a call right now.” Huh, who is this guy? “I am sorry, do we know one another?” His face flushes in embarrassment.
“Oh, no I just recognize you. I mean from the papers and TV. Um, from last summer,” he explains. Yeah, I get it. I know what you’re referring to, you idiot.
I don’t acknowledge him any longer and grab a seat in the corner. About ten minutes go by then Mr. Lewis enters. He is a very handsome older man with silver hair, but the sexy kind like George Clooney sexy. Of course, he’s not as handsome as my dad, but in my eyes no one is.
“Mary Madison? Wow, it’s been a while, huh?” Yeah, they certainly dated. He has that look in his eye. He is gazing at her, practically drooling at the mouth. Hello? I am here too!
“Christopher, it’s great to see you. You look…well wonderful.” Ok Mom, a little obvious. What the he
ll is going on here?
“Hi Mr. Lewis, my name is Nettie. Mary’s daughter, we spoke on the phone.” I am all too happy to interrupt their little reunion. Don’t get any ideas buddy!
“Yes, Ms. Madison it’s a pleasure. You look just like your mother. Please, both of you come in.” He escorts us into his all too small office. Against the back wall is a beautiful maple desk with a few photos taking residence. I can’t see them as they are facing his chair, but I assume they are of his family. The desk looks too expensive for such a mediocre office. Damn, I hope he is good.
“Please ladies, have a seat. We have a lot to discuss.” He motions to the two chairs seated directly across from him and he sits. Opening a manila folder in front of him he takes out a stack of papers and neatly flips through until he seems to find what he is looking for. He finally speaks again. “Okay ladies, here is what we are looking at. Mr. Knox as you know wants some sort of visitation with the child while he is incarcerated. However, in order to do this, he would have to obviously prove that he is, in fact, the father. That means a DNA test, which I will make sure doesn’t happen until the baby is born. We don’t want to put the baby or you under any undue stress especially after preterm labor.” He pauses taking a deep breath and then continues. “So, here is my plan. We go to the preliminary hearing and propose this to the judge. If Mr. Knox wishes to continue pursuing this matter, which he will, then at least it won’t be done until after the baby is born.”
“You don’t think he could actually get some sort of custody, do you?” I interrupt him.
“Well, I believe that when the judge hears what he has done to you and the fact that the baby was conceived due to a sexual crime, it will be damn hard for him to, but...” What the fuck does he mean but? There is no way that is possible. What the hell am I going to do if that happens? It can’t that’s all, it just can’t. “The laws for those convicted of a felony in Ohio are this: he wouldn’t be able to have custody at all if he had committed a sexual or abusive act against a child. Since the crime was against you it is a bit of a technicality now. I don’t want to scare you I just want you aware that there is a chance. Believe me though Nettie, I will do everything in my power to make sure that doesn’t happen.” Alright well, now I am freaking out! I thought I would feel better after meeting with him, but now I am just plain scared. I was hoping to hear there was no chance at all. My mother sensing my anxiety grips onto my hand.
“Don’t worry. He won’t get anywhere near either one of you.” She says trying to comfort me.
“There is some bad news,” Mr. Lewis continues. “You do have to appear at the preliminary hearing, and he will be there too. There is no way for me to get around that. I have put in an order that he have no contact whatsoever with you and that has been granted. There is no need for either one of you to say a word. Myself and his attorney are the only ones who need to speak. Got it?” I nod. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t face him. And he’ll see me pregnant. Oh, the thought makes my stomach turn. Maybe this was his intention the whole time. Maybe he doesn’t expect to even get any sort of custody of the baby. Maybe he just wants to see me. I squirm, again.
“Well, if I have to, I have to. Do we need to discuss anything else today?” He shakes his head no.
“No, your mother has paid my retainer and I will meet you at the hearing. Be there a little early so we can go in together, okay?”
“Sure.” I extend my hand to him and he shakes first mine and then my mothers. Lingering a bit longer than I like on her handshake.
My mother and I don’t speak the entire way home. I think she is doing the same as I am and running each and every scenario in her head. Maybe nothing will happen or maybe he’ll have the right to see my son. I can’t even believe this. There are no words. My head is spinning. No, no, a man who rapes and tortures a woman and just so happens to knock her up is not a fucking father. Anyone in their right mind will see that. I don’t need to worry. I need to focus on Evan and only Evan. So, what if I have to see Sam, right? I can just walk in with my head down and don’t look at his ugly, satanic face. Oh, shit now all I can picture is his face.
Stop tormenting me! How does he continue to have control over me? “I am totally fucked up!” There I finally say it out loud. “He has totally fucked me up. I need to get control of my life and I just don’t know how to do it!”
“Nettie, I don’t know how I can help. You are doing amazing in spite of what has happened. You will be okay. Someday you will look back on this and see it as just another one of life’s struggles that you got through. And believe me, honey you will get through it!” My mom always knows how to make me feel better. I swear she could write one of those soup for the soul books. Ok, I guess we’re in for a bit of a fight. And I will make sure I am more than ready.
*
Finally, the day of my house closing arrives, and I am handed my keys. My keys! My family and friends have agreed to come over this evening and help me clean before the official move-in. We are surely at a disadvantage moving in the winter it flat out sucks. Although I have to admit it’s kind of funny. Everyone is cleaning in their winter coats. I decide to find my camera to take some photos. Where did I put it? After looking in every box that we brought over I find it in a box marked, “Kitchen”. Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I think of that? I roll my eyes.
I decide to start with my mom, she is an easy target. I sneak into the bathroom and she is scrunched over the toilet scrubbing the floor around it. She is wearing her red bomber jacket and looks hysterical. Click, click, click. She looks up and glares at me. “If you take one more unflattering picture of your mother, I will break that thing.” I tiptoe gently backward out of the room.
When I make my way into the kitchen, I see my dad and Jess. Dad is cleaning the refrigerator with a long wool trench coat on and black leather gloves. Again click, click, click. I startle him so much so, that he bumps his head on the top of the freezer. “Oh shit, Dad sorry!” Jess and I both look at each other and burst out with laughter.
We work our butts off until about 11 pm and when we arrive home, we are all so exhausted. I am thankful for all the help from everyone. Christmas is in a few days and our house looks beautiful. My mother always loves to decorate. There are pine and white lights draped up the banister and ceramic snowmen on the mantle. I love Christmas time in my mom’s house. The smell of pine and cranberry fill the air.
We all go to our respective beds and turn in for the night. I am out in an instant, but all too soon I am awakened by yet another nightmare. This time I am walking hand in hand with my son in, I don’t know, it looks like a park. I look up and see him, Sam, his eyes are glowing red and he is scowling at us. As if in slow motion I reach down and scoop up Evan. Before I know it Sam is running at an accelerated speed and rips the baby from my arms. I am trying to chase them, but I cannot move. My attempts to scream are fruitless and I wake. I have a huge lump in my throat and my cheeks are damp. I hug my belly and try to calm myself. “Oh, baby when will this stop?”
I lie back and look at the bedside clock, 2:15 a.m. I close my eyes and drift into sleep yet again. Thankfully this time it is dreamless.
Moving day goes incredibly smooth and my house looks like a home. I can’t wait to stay here. After Christmas I will officially stay by myself. My parents have been so generous in their gifts to me. They have done far too much. They bought me some furniture for the new place including a crib and a few things for the baby. Those things will be delivered this week.
*
Christmas and New Year’s fly by, and before I know it I am at my 32 week check-up with Dr.Graham. When I enter the institution like room this time, I am comforted. The white walls and floors now make me smile. My how things have changed since my first visit here. It’s turned into a happy place for me. I am draped in my paper skirt sitting on the edge of the bed buried in my thoughts when Dr. Graham makes her normal entrance. We go through the routine but this time she informs me that I am 1cm dilated
. Suddenly, worry comes over me.
“It’s fine. You could be only 1cm dilated for two months. Everything looks perfect. He is measuring right on schedule and his heartbeat as normal. So just relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.” I can’t control my very loud sigh. I can’t believe I only have eight weeks. Unfortunately, in just four days this week will be tainted, when I have to go to that fucking hearing. I shake the thought from my head. Today is the good day of this week. I thank Dr.Graham, and she reminds me I will be back in two weeks this time instead of a month.
“Great, I will see you in two weeks then.” I cannot control my excitement.
When I get into the car, I call everyone and let them know how my appointment went and I am headed back to work. I have settled into my new place and so far, I am adjusting just fine to being alone. Of course, the nightmares are there, but I feel like I am used to them. They are nothing compared to the nightmare I will have to endure seeing that asshole on Friday.
My lawyer has assured me, yet again that he can read my written statement and I don’t even need to look at Sam. I hope not. I will do my best to avoid him. I am just upset he will see me pregnant, with his child. I shiver at the thought of his eyes on me. His eyes on Evan. I will have to mentally prepare for all of that. I can do this. I am strong. I will show him he has no impact on my life anymore. He will not have control over me in that courtroom. I will never give him that satisfaction.
Chapter 16
This Means War
I wake early on D day. Our preliminary custody hearing. I cannot sleep. I still have a few hours before we need to leave. I get into the shower and soak under the hot spray. I am trying to wash away the day that hasn’t even happened yet. I have to see him for the first time since his brutal attacks. Tears begin to mix with the warm water and spread down my cheeks. How on earth am I going to be in the same room with him again? I want to kill him. All I can hope is that things go quickly, and I can avoid his gaze. I am afraid of what I might do or how I may act in his presence.
Rise Page 11
