I let the water rush over me for a while longer, as I gently massage my tummy, having a special moment with Evan. I softly pray. “Dear Lord, protect us today. We need you now more than ever.” I know he is always with me deep down, but it isn’t hard to doubt him given the last year of my life. I need to be strong now.
At 9 o’clock my parents arrive to drive me to court. I’m wearing a gray sweater dress with black tights and black casual boots. My belly looks bigger than ever and I don a long coat to hide my pregnancy as best I can. I don’t want him to see my stomach. My mother and father are both dressed to the nines. They look very professional and in control. We all pile in the escalade and are on our way. It is deafening in the car. No one says a word the entire way. And I know they are just as angry and terrified as I am.
After we arrive and are greeted by Mr. Lewis, he escorts us into the courtroom. We are the only ones there so far, aside from the bailiff at the front of the courtroom. There is also a stenographer or whatever they are called, sitting to the left of where the judge will reside. I follow my lawyer to the front of the courtroom where there are two tables opposite one another. It looks similar to a TV courtroom, just much smaller. We sit on the right side facing the judge’s bench and my parents sit directly behind me. Mr. Lewis gives me a brief synopsis of how the day should play out.
“He will be escorted in with his lawyer…” I immediately tense. “He will be handcuffed and a uniformed police officer beside him at all times.” He reassures me sensing my fear. “You don’t even need to look at him if you don’t want to. Okay?” I nod. I can’t speak my stomach is in my throat. I feel a little dizzy. He continues. “The judge will come in and we will rise. When we sit back down, she will explain why we are here and ask for both parties’ statements. I will contest custody based on the paternity testing that we discussed and then we will go from there okay? This should at least postpone things until after the baby is born.”
“Alright, I just want to get this over with.” I sound like a child now. God, I feel like I have regressed back to the beginning right after this all happened. I hate not being in control.
“Okay Nettie, just be strong,” he surprises me by hugging me tightly. How nice of him. He seems truly emotionally invested. I quickly think again that maybe it’s because he has feelings for my mom. He does have very kind eyes. “Showtime!” he says startling me.
Before I can even stop myself, my eyes are blazing at the heavy wooden door as it opens. First enters a skeevy looking lawyer, with slicked-back hair and pinstriped suit. Just then it happens, I see him. His hair is a little disheveled and his hands cuffed together in front of him. As I make my way to his eyes, I notice his cheeks flushed crimson. When I get to the window of his soulless shell, they are not red like they are in my dreams, but they are dark, striking, terrifying. I am back in my bedroom for a moment with his eyes just inches from mine. I can feel his breath in my face and smell the booze and cigarettes. He is staring right at me. I am frozen, locked in his gaze.
I am petrified. His eyes never leave mine and it’s as if in slow motion he moves across the room to his place at the table. I see the corner of his lips curl up into a smirk. What a sick son of a bitch. He looks happy. Happy for Christ’s sake. I can feel the tears well up and I do my best to force them back down. I cannot stop myself from looking at him. He breaks eye contact for just a moment, and I see he is looking at my stomach. I place my hands over it in protection. Once again, his eyes meet mine and he winks. WINKS! Like he is flirting with me! He mouths something too, but my eyes are still locked on his and I don’t make it out.
My vision begins to blur, and I feel as if I am going to pass out. Just then my mother physically grabs my face and turns it toward hers, bringing me out of his spell. “Nettie, don’t look at him! Don’t give him the satisfaction, do you understand me?!” I nod trying to catch my breath. Thank God she brought me back to earth.
We sit for what seems like forever and I keep my head down looking at the table in front of me. I can feel his eyes burning into me. I hear him whisper from time to time and shutter as his voice pierces the deepest part of my soul. I feel the baby moving and I wish I could get him out of here. I don’t want him this close to that evil, that monster, his father.
“All rise!” The bailiff seems to shout breaking the tension in the room. We all do as we are told, and I continue to keep my eyes focused in front of me. I feel as though I am in some sort of daze. All I hear is the muffling of voices. His lawyer, my lawyer and before long the smack of the gavel and I look up at Mr. Lewis.
“What just happened?” I ask. I hadn’t heard a word. I try to gauge his expression, but he gives nothing away.
“You didn’t pay any attention? It’s fine, like I said no ruling on the visitation. After the baby is born a DNA test will be issued and then another court date will be set from there. Don’t worry. You are rid of him for at least another few months. The judge we got is good too. She seems disgusted with him. Things are looking great.” He smiles.
Oh, thank God!
Just then I look up at Sam again. WHY? Why the hell did I do that? He is walking out of the room, but his head is cocked back looking at me. I don’t think he has taken his eyes off of me the entire time. Then he mouths something again, but this time I catch what he says. “See you soon.”
“FUCK YOU!” I shout at the top of my lungs. My mom grabs my arm to keep me from lunging toward him.
He smirks again and says aloud this time, “Been there, done that,” and he seductively nips at his lower lip. Then turns out the door. My blood is boiling. I am seeing double. I want to burst through that door and rip him apart limb from limb! Suddenly my knees fall weak and I am on the floor. I cannot catch my breath I am sobbing and gasping for air. My mother and father are at my side, trying to comfort me. I hear a whaling sound like an animal wounded, and I realize the sound is coming from me.
Finally, after what seems like forever, I come back to reality. I am still slumped on the floor and my father scoops me into his arms without a word. I lay my head against his chest and feel his heart beating. A rapid angry pace. I briefly wonder how he could possibly carry me and my extra weight, but he manages. When he places me in the car my mother crawls in the back beside me and I place my head in her lap. She gently strokes my hair again and again in a comforting rhythm. Tears again begin to roll down my face and I don’t bother to wipe them away. It won’t keep them from coming.
We arrive at my parents and I don’t question why. I am in no condition to be alone right now. My father opens my door and reaches his hand out to help me into the house. We walk in silence and he walks me to the couch. I lie down as my mother places a blanket over my legs. I notice my coat is still on, but I don’t care. I am shivering. Daddy lights the fire and they both sit close to me on the couch. We sit in silence.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know, I open my eyes and my parents are nowhere to be seen and I scream for them in fear. “Mom…Dad!” they both come running in.
“Yes dear we are here, right here,” my mom is at my side. “Are you okay? We were just in the kitchen. I want you to stay here tonight. I’ll make us a nice dinner and if you want you can invite Jess over.” I shake my head. Oh, shit I didn’t call Jess she is gonna kill me.
“I need to call her and tell her what happened. She must be furious!” I jump to my feet to make the call.
My mom interrupts. “No, she called here looking for you and we explained everything. She was going to call your other friends and let them know too. She said to call her when you were up to it. I really want you to stay tonight honey. It’s been a stressful day.”
“No, actually Mom I want to stay at my place.” She looks upset. Her eyebrows furrowed. “I’ll see if Jess will stay with me there. Okay? I just feel comfortable in that house. Nothing against you or Dad.”
“Alright but I want you here if Jessie can’t stay. Deal?”
“Deal,” I mirror.
/> I am back at my house and Jessica is going to stay with me tonight. She has brought over a few of our favorite movies and some snacks. I told her that I am not in the mood to eat but she doesn’t listen. She also brings a bottle of red wine for herself and I do indulge in one very small glass. I’m sure it’s fine. I need it after today. Maybe it will help me to sleep. After hours of talking, and Jess trying to distract me with wedding planning, the day seems to catch up to me.
I blink my eyes and it is pitch black. I am on the couch and look down on the floor and Jess is next to me, fast asleep. Wow, I guess the wine did the trick. I don’t even know how long I’ve been asleep. I gently step over Jess and make my way down the hall to use the restroom. When I finish, I decide to continue sleeping on the couch. I need someone close to me right now. Plus, I don’t want her waking up with me gone.
I try to sleep but no luck. I lie there until the sun comes up. I think of him and his eyes the whole time. I think of the wink. I think of his words. See you soon. Been there done that. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly in hopes it goes away, but it doesn’t. Forget it I need to get up. Again, I carefully tiptoe over Jess and waddle into the kitchen. My feet are freezing. I make a cup of tea for myself and touch brew on the coffee pot for Jessica. As quietly as I can I sit at the kitchen island looking out at the snow-covered yard. Soon after, I hear a faint groan and before I know it Jess is sitting next to me. “Sorry, I tried to be quiet,” I whisper.
“No, you weren’t loud. I smelled the coffee. It’s awfully early. How long have you been up?” she asks rubbing her eyes.
“I don’t know. I woke up in the middle of the night sometime and couldn’t fall back to sleep.” She nods in understanding and pats my back as she rises to get herself a cup of coffee. We sit for a while and make small talk. But when we run out of topics, tears spring to my eyes thinking of the day before. She immediately pulls me into her arms. I can feel her chest heaving as well, as she cries right along with me. I am so glad she stayed the night. I couldn’t bear to wake up here alone. Not after yesterday. Finally, we peel ourselves away from one another and she wipes her eyes.
“You will never be alone Nettie. Do you know that? She places her hand on my belly. I will help with Evan as much as you need, and I will stay with you as many nights as you want. You mean the world to me and now so does he.”
“Thank you, Jess, I know you will be here. You always are.”
She changes the subject. “You are due in, what? Seven or eight weeks? Let’s get that baby’s room ready. What do you say?” A smile spreads over my face.
“Perfect idea. Let’s focus on the good things.”
Chapter 17
Rock A Bye Baby
I have already decided to decorate Evans room in an underwater ocean theme. The baby bedding and paint are here, and the furniture should be delivered today. We start by, of course, putting on some working music so we can dance and sing at the same time. Jess and I make a great team. I tape off the baseboards as she follows doing the edging. We haven’t stopped dancing the entire time, although I am very out of breath. I have picked a beautiful pale blue for the walls and a light green to accent. By the time I am done taping, I start rolling and before we know it, we are done. We high five one another in victory, before deciding to get some lunch.
We order pizza and sit on the baby’s floor and eat. It looks beautiful already. I can’t wait until it’s finished. We get one more coat of paint on before the delivery men are here with all the nursery furniture. They put it together and place it in the middle of the room, as not to disrupt the freshly painted walls. My parents have graciously bought me an elegant crib with a dark wood finish, a matching 6 drawer tall dresser and a changing table to boot. Jess and I open the baby bedding that is donned with every sea creature you can imagine; there are sea turtles, tropical fish, seashells and an octopus. I throw the linens into the washing machine down the hall. I give a quick sniff of the baby laundry soap before putting the cap back on. Mmmmm, I love that smell.
Once the paint has dried, we carefully move the furniture to its intended place. Of course, I change my mind about five times and finally she says. “Tough! It stays here I am sick of moving it!”
“Okay, okay, it can stay there.” It looks perfect. It feels perfect. I begin hanging photos of underwater scenes that I have had framed. I place those on the wall over the changing table and a few more over the dresser. I decide not to hang anything over the crib. I wouldn’t want anything falling on the baby. A pang of anxiety suddenly shoots through me. I am going to be a mom. I am going to be responsible for another human life. The thought is unnerving. Can I handle this? I guess I have no choice now. As I look around his beautiful room, I hear the laundry buzz. Jess goes to retrieve the bed linens and I get out the stuffed animals that my parents also bought for the baby. I am one lucky girl and I know it. I look around the room and I smile at Jess with pride. It is perfect. From the walls to the pictures to the stuffed animals all the way down to the little mobile with starfish and seashells hanging from it.
“Good job!” I hold up my hand and get a high five in return.
“Yeah, we’re awesome,” Jess smirks. “And to think we did this all in one day. Do you feel a little better now?”
“I do. It was a good day. Thanks for helping me. Thanks for distracting me. I can’t wait to have him here.” I really mean that. I am so ready to meet my son. I look at the empty crib and start the count down. Less than two months until my due date.
My mom and dad stop over later that night to see the nursery and they bring take out. Chinese, yum. They are amazed at how fast we put things together and I am damn proud myself.
“It looks so perfect, Nettie. I think you girls may have missed your calling!” she giggles.
She hands me a huge bag and when I open it, I give her a cockeyed look. “Mom more stuff! You and Daddy have gotten too much already!”
She shakes her head. “Oh, no. those are from some of my friends and coworkers, they just wanted to get you a few things honey that’s all.”
“Oh, well that was nice of them.” As I begin to unpack the bag, I find diapers, wipes, clothes, and burp cloths. Wow, really nice! My mother helps me put things away and as I look around, I can’t think of anything else that I am going to need. I am planning on breastfeeding, so I don’t need formula or bottles. Though I suppose I should get a few just in case. I’ll worry about that later. I still have time.
My parents and I have a very nice dinner together and no one mentions the court fiasco from yesterday. We relish in the fact that there will soon be a little addition to our family and that it will certainly be the light in such a dark year. They stay until about ten o’clock and then excuse themselves. They both need to go to work tomorrow and I may do some exploring and photographing myself, just to keep busy.
I decide I am not quite ready to settle into bed. Instead, I get my camera and go into Evans room. I snap a few photos of the nursery and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the back of the bathroom door. I realize I don’t have any pictures of myself pregnant. Not one. I turn and begin to take a few of myself in the mirror. My hair is still damp from my earlier shower and I am wearing a pair of snug-fitting gray yoga pants with a pink short sleeve V-neck t-shirt. I lift my shirt over my belly briefly to get a full belly shot. My belly button is almost completely disappeared at this point. I giggle to myself. I look cute but oh so funny. I look down and see the baby pushing to one side, so my stomach is lopsided. I get a few photos of that from my view as well. “Something special for your baby book my little one. I love you, my whole heart.”
I make my way to the kitchen placing my camera gently on the counter. I’ll have to get those printed sooner than later. I make myself a cup of green tea and nestle up on the couch. The room illuminated only by the lamp next to me. I decide to read from one of my baby books for a bit before bed. I imagine what Evan might look like. I see beautiful golden hazel eyes. I hope he has my eyes.
*
Two weeks later, I am again at the doctor’s office for my appointment. Nothing new this time. She doesn’t check to see if I am dilated because I haven’t had any contractions. We make another appointment for two weeks and I am off again. My mother and I meet at our restaurant, Mona’s. We haven’t been here since before I found out I was pregnant. Jen is there, as usual, and I am bombarded with questions. She cannot take her hand off my belly. Geez, I think. I know her and all, but how about some personal space. This is still my body you are touching, lady. The baby isn’t out yet.
“Oh, honey you look fantastic. You are glowing,” she squeals with delight. “And it’s a bouncing baby boy I heard!” Of course, you heard everyone in this town knows my business. I smile trying to be enthusiastic, but the normally lovely Jen is on my last nerve already. My mother and I sit and have a nice long lunch together and talk about everything from baby to work and back to baby again. She reminds me I should make a list of things to pack for the hospital. I am after all getting to the gray area when I could go into labor soon. I will do that tonight. It will give me something to do. Jess has been busy making some wedding plans. They’ve decided to get married in August of this year, which gives me enough time to lose my baby weight, I hope.
I snap back from my daydreaming and my mom and I are soon on our way. We drove separate since I was at the doctor’s already. When I arrive back home, I decide I should pack my bag now, before I forget. I dig out a cute little duffel bag from my closet. It is black with small pink flowers all over it. After packing myself the necessities such as comfy clothes, bras, underwear, and toiletries. I then head into the baby’s room and get out my new diaper bag.
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