Rise

by Leslie McCauley

  This I bought myself. It is adorable, a little expensive, but I couldn’t resist. It matches the blue and green of his room and I had his name embroidered on it as well. I grab the outfit that I have decided to bring him home in and place it in first. I throw in a few diapers, wipes and burp rags. I know the hospital will have all this stuff, but I would rather be overly prepared. I put both of our bags into the hallway closet for easy reach. If my parents are the ones who will have to find them. I want it to be in an easy place.

  I plop down on the couch and look around my home. “I need to clean too before you come.” I say aloud. This place is a mess. As I sit there trying to relax, I can’t stand it anymore and I begin to clean. The floors are steamed, the kitchen disinfected, and the entire house dusted. I open the fridge to reward myself with a root beer. “Ew. Yuck.” I start cleaning the fridge out too. God, I am like a cleaning maniac, and I hate to clean. Ok, now I am totally exhausted.

  I call and check in with Jess and we have a good long talk. When we hang up, I decide to give my mom a call before I turn in.

  “Hey, mom, what’s up?” I say excitedly.

  “You sound good dear. Nothing is ‘up’ here. What are you doing?” I can hear the grin in her voice.

  “Not much. I cleaned today and got our hospital bags packed up. I am getting tired now but at least I got a lot accomplished today.” I hear her hum

  “Oh, so you had a burst of energy, did you?” What does she mean by that?

  “Yeah, I guess so. Why?” I am totally boggled by her sometimes.

  “They say that when you nest the baby is coming soon.” Nest? Huh?

  “What do you mean, nest? And of course, the baby is coming soon we know that.” Always believing all the old wives’ tales, my mom.

  “Nesting is just when you have the urge to get everything ready for baby and yes, I know you are due soon, but it means like soon, soon.” That’s a bunch of crap but I don’t say that to her. I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

  “Okay, mom. That sounds interesting.” She doesn’t believe me. I don’t believe me. “Anyway, I am going to head to bed I’ll talk to you in the morning. Love ya!”

  “I love you too honey.” And we hang up.

  I decide on a bath tonight to relax. My body is sore and tired from all the work today. I decide on a lavender bubble bath and sink into it slowly. The smells and the feeling of the soft water on my body feels amazing. I stroke my belly which is almost entirely out of the water. Evan begins kicking and wiggling like crazy. I start laughing out loud. I place the shampoo bottle gently on my belly and it begins tipping and bouncing all over the place. I am laughing so hard now that tears are falling from my eyes. Oh man, I am going to miss being pregnant, but I can’t wait to see this little guy. He is entertaining already!

  I soak for a few more minutes and then get out and towel dry. A wrap my terrycloth robe around my more than swelled tummy and head to bed. I am too tired to even get PJs on, so I just climb under my down comforter and snuggle in.

  When I wake the next morning, I stretch out and look through the window. By the way the light is coming in I must have gotten a good night’s sleep. I swing my legs to the end of the bed and as gracefully as I can, push myself up onto my feet. When I do, I feel warm liquid trickle down my legs. Oh shit, I just pissed myself. I waddle my way gently to the bathroom with my robe tucked between my thighs. When I reach the bathroom, it happens again. That is when I realize that my water just broke.

  I immediately grab my purse and fish out Dr. Graham’s phone number. I leave a brief message and then call my mother. I try not to panic but I can’t help the shakiness in my voice. As soon as the answers I cut her off.

  “Mom my water broke can you come over?”

  She hesitates. “Are you sure honey? I mean when I was pregnant with you, I would cough and leak a little if you know what I mean. I am sure your water didn’t break, it’s too early.” She sounds so light and confident.

  “Well, I get a little trickle every few minutes or so mom. Is that pee or is that my water breaking, because I think it’s the latter!” I am just plain rude right now.

  “Sorry, of course, I will be right there. Did you call the doctor?” what a dumb question.

  “Yes, I called the doctor, just get over her now I am freaking out!” I hang up on her. Okay, well so far, I am having no contractions. Then I guess it is possible it’s not labor right? No, who am I kidding I am leaking like a broken faucet. Oh, shit! I am pacing now. Well, I guess I could get dressed. I throw on a comfortable skirt and sweater and put a towel between my legs.

  God, this is ridiculous. I can’t put pants on I’ll be soaking wet by the time we get to the hospital. Oh, shit this is not happening, it’s too early, right? Shit, shit, shit! Ok, now I am beginning to panic. This can’t be good for the baby. Breathe Nettie just breathe. “We have come this far my little man, we will get through it, right?” Right. It will be fine. “Everything is going to be perfect,” I reassure myself.

  My mom comes crashing through the door with my father in tow. Geez, that was fast. They both rush to my side. Dad speaks first.

  “Are you okay? Any contractions yet?” I shake my head no. “Did the doctor call you back yet?” Again, I shake my head no.

  We all pile in the car and about halfway to the hospital the good Dr. Graham finally calls me back.

  “Hi Nettie dear, how are you?” she sounds so calm and collected.

  “Not good!” I shout at her. What do you think lady? I dislike her again at this moment.

  “Honey, don’t get all worked up. I want you to calm down. I told the hospital you were on your way and if your water did in fact break, I will meet you soon okay?” What does she mean? IF. Why doesn’t anyone believe me? I am not continuously pissing myself for Christ’s sake! “Nettie can you hear me?”

  “Yeah!” I snap at her too.

  “Alright. Don’t panic. If it is time for baby to come, we will deal with that okay?” I hang up on her. I don’t want to listen to the comforting, talk to me like I am a damn child act right now.

  When we arrive at the hospital emergency room there is a nurse waiting at the doors with a wheelchair for me. “I can walk,” I say to her.

  “Sorry, but it’s protocol honey.” I plop down into the chair in a pout. I am taken up to labor and delivery where they do the exact same thing they did to me last time I was here. I am hooked up to monitors but no IV yet. The nurse checks the fluid I am leaking with a little dipstick and does, in fact, confirm that it’s not pee. See, I am not an idiot people! I am having contractions but so small that I cannot even feel them. The nurse calls Dr. Graham and informs her of my situation. When she reenters the room, she lets me know she is going to check and see if I am dilated. Before she does my dad exits the room without being told. Of course, he doesn’t want to see me like that.

  The nurse grins at me and says, “Let’s get you comfortable honey, you're going to have a baby today. 4cm already.” Oh-my-god! I am not ready for this. The baby is not ready for this. It’s too soon. Is he going to be okay?

  My mother looks at me and smiles the most artificial smile I have ever seen. She is as terrified as I am. My dad returns just a few moments later and we tell him. He doesn’t even try to hide his concern. He puts his head in his hands and sighs.

  “It will be okay you guys. We’ve come this far. Everything will be fine.” Am I trying to convince myself or them now?

  It seems like no time at all before Dr. Graham gets there. The nurses have put in my IV and are giving me fluids so that I can have an epidural. I am looking forward to it as the contractions have started to get painful. Not unbearable by any means, but just uncomfortable. Dr. Graham informs me that I will be given something called Surfactant which apparently will help the baby’s lungs if they are not fully developed.

  “This is my biggest concern with the baby being as early as he is, but I don’t want you to freak out Nettie. I have delivered plenty of babies at this
stage that have been one hundred percent healthy.

  “Any that haven’t been?” she looks at the floor before she answers.

  “Yes. Some that haven’t been as well.” Yeah, I thought so. She shouldn’t be so confident.

  It’s another hour before the anesthesiologist comes to give me my epidural and by that time, I am very much feeling the pain. My mother and father are told to leave the room for this, and I don’t question why. I am sitting on the edge of the bed with my gown wide open in the back. The nurse hands me a pillow to hold onto, which I try and refuse but she persists. I am hugging a pillow and my head is resting on the nurse’s shoulder. I can smell her perfume. Something fruity with a hint of vanilla. It smells heavenly, it’s a nice distraction from the horribly uncomfortable pain of the needle being put into my spine. It’s over before I know it and I am resting comfortably back on the bed. Wow, this stuff is good!

  My parents come back in and take their place at my bedside. “How are you feeling baby?” my dad asks.

  “Good actually. I don’t feel a thing. This is amazing!” I am nice and relaxed now and begin to realize how tired I am.

  “Good.” He says with relief. The nurse enters again to check my progress. I am now 8cm dilated. Wow, this is going fast. It has been only 4 hours since I woke this morning. She tells me I should try and sleep while I am comfortable so that I will have plenty of energy when it is time to push. I agree.

  My mother closes the curtains and kisses me gently on the cheek. I roll slightly on my side but with all these wires and belts I don’t want to move too much. Like the first time I was here the thump, thump, thump helps me to fall into a daze, not so much sleep but at least I rest for a brief time before suddenly feeling a tremendous amount of pressure in my pelvis. I grab the call button and buzz the nurse. “Yes dear,” her voice echoes through the intercom.

  “Um, yeah I think I need to push. I mean I don’t know. I just feel something strange.” The nurse comes in followed by my mother and father. She checks me before my dad has a chance to leave. At this point I don’t give a shit who sees what. I feel a rush of adrenaline.

  “Yep, ten centimeters and you are one-hundred percent effaced. It’s time to meet your baby. I’ll page the doctor.” My dad gives me a kiss on the forehead and wishes me luck before exiting the room. My mother is at my side and she is holding my hand. I begin pushing holding my breath for ten seconds and I relax. The nurse alerts me when the next contraction is coming, and we begin the process again and again. I am getting exhausted.

  Dr. Graham is here, and she looks at the clock. “An hour and a half of pushing, Nettie we are going to have to do better than that. You aren’t making much progress.” Screw you, lady, I am doing the best that I can! She messes with something on my IV and soon my contractions intensify. What the hell did she do?

  “I turned down your epidural so you can feel the pressure. It will help move things along, trust me. I need you to push with all your might, okay?” She sounds like one of my high school coaches. A little too peppy for my taste. I do as I am instructed though and really feel it this time. “Good, good!” she shouts. “That a girl. Now we’re talking.” She begins getting her gloves and gown on and pulls a stool up, so she is directly in front of my crotch. This is so weird. It is time to push all too soon and I am so tired, but I do my best. “Yes, Nettie come on!”

  “I can see his head Nettie!” My mom shouts now. This gives me the motivation I need, and I push again with every ounce of strength that I have.

  “Okay stop, stop!” Dr. Graham instructs me, and I do as I am told. Oh God hurry, this is a horrible feeling. Then once again she shouts for me to push and I do. I feel a sudden ripping pain and then pure relief. As I look down, the last several hours just disappear. I see a tiny little man with a heck of a lot of hair and I exhale letting my head plop back on the bed. They take him away far too quickly and I am giggling.

  Then I look up at my mother and she is silent. In fact, now I notice the silence. He hasn’t cried yet. Dr. Graham is still between my legs taking care of me and there are people in the corner attending to Evan. I can’t see him I only see the backs of three or four people scurrying about. I feel like an eternity passes and I realize I am holding my breath. I look up at my mom and she is crying. She squeezes my hand tightly and I close my eyes. Please God. Please God. Please God. I repeat this mantra for what seems like forever and then there it is a wail of a cry! A glorious scream over, and over again. It is the most wonderful sound I have ever heard. Finally, my son is here, and he is crying. I am sobbing with joy. I look at Dr. Graham through my clouded vision and she is smiling from ear to ear. She has tears in her eyes as well. She nods at me. When the nurses are finished checking him over, they wrap him up tightly and bring him to me.

  I am overwhelmed as I look into the eyes of my beautiful baby boy. He is perfect. He is still crying but now it sounds more like a cat purring or something. I giggle. “Well hello, my little man. You are quite the warrior, aren’t you?” As I speak, he quiets immediately, and his eyes widen. He recognizes my voice. I stare into those big beautiful gray eyes I kiss him gently on the forehead and hold my lips there for a moment. He feels warm and soft against my lips. I nuzzle his nose with mine and he blinks. He is the most perfect sight I have ever seen.

  “You are my greatest accomplishment, Evan. I will protect you with everything that I have. I love you, my whole heart.” And I know according to the baby books he can’t smile yet, but I swear he does.

  Chapter 15

  Just the Two of Us

  I am staring at the most perfect man I have ever met. For the first time in a long time, I am happy, blissfully happy. I have never felt like this before. It is amazing. I look up at my mother and she is in awe of him as well.

  “May I hold him?” I think this is what she says. It’s hard to tell through her sobs.

  “Of course, Grandma.” I gently pass him to her, and she takes him with care into her arms. He looks like a little porcelain doll in her embrace. “He is magnificent, isn’t he?” she nods but doesn’t speak. Her chin is quivering still. She doesn’t hold him long before passing him back to me.

  “I need to go get your dad! He is probably freaking out.” She rushes out of the room and it is just me and my little man for a few precious moments. I gently stroke his forehead and his eyelids gently fall closed. I put my face against his and smell his sweet baby smell. I can feel his breath rhythmically in and out. He fits perfectly into my arms. As if he is where he was meant to be. At this moment I don’t doubt that this is God’s plan for me. I was meant to be his mother and he was meant to be my son. I am truly blessed.

  There is a soft knock at the door and my father pokes his head in. He smiles and tiptoes over to us. I don’t think I have stopped smiling. Daddy places his hand on the baby’s head and lets out a sigh.

  “Wow, he is perfect. Just handsome.” Just like you Dad.

  “Here, you can hold him. He just fell asleep. You should see his eyes. He has my eyes,” thank God.

  “He looks like you when you were born.” He holds Evan in his arms and gently kisses him on the tip of his nose. He lifts the cap gently from his head just enough to see the mess of dark hair on his head. He looks at me wide-eyed and mouths. “Wow.” He is in love too. How can you not be with such a perfect little innocent being? “I can’t believe I am a grandfather. I must be getting old, huh kid?” He says to the baby. Well, the circumstances are not what any of us had planned. I hoped to have a hell of a career going right about now and fall in love and then have babies. But it’s okay. God had a different plan for me.

  “Do you want to stay awhile? I wouldn’t mind closing my eyes for just a bit. I am so tired.” I can hardly keep my eyes open. Who knew this whole process could be so exhausting?

  “Sure honey. We’ll just sit right here next to the bed and rest too. How about that little guy? Sound good to you?” I guess now I am chopped liver since the cute baby has arrived. I grin and close m
y eyes.

  I wake to the baby crying and my eyes fly open. My mom is now holding Evan and she is rocking him and shushing trying to calm him. She looks over and sees that I am awake.

  “Sorry Nettie, I wanted to try and let you sleep but I think the poor guy is hungry. The nurses gave him a quick bath and just brought him back.” I smile and reach my arms out to take him. Here goes nothing. I have read all the baby books on breastfeeding but I am a little nervous about the whole thing. I get comfortable and I am surprised when he latches on immediately. Phew.

  “This isn’t so bad,” I say to my mother. “It’s kind of comforting actually.” My mother lets out a soft giggle. “What?”

  “Wait a couple of days until your nipples are raw and he chomps right on one!” Ew, Mom way to ruin a bonding moment. “I am just saying it gets uncomfortable for a bit and then you get used to it.” She pauses and gathers her purse. “Daddy is in the cafeteria. I am going to go get a bite to eat with him okay? We’ll be back soon. Can I get you anything before I go? How are you feeling?”

  “Okay, I am sore and still tired but fine.”

  “Good, then we’ll see you in a bit.” She kisses me on the forehead and then Evan. She completely ignores the fact that he is nursing right now. I lean my head back and begin to hum to him. I am soaking in every moment with my little warrior. I can’t wait until we can get home.

  Just then the bedside phone rings. Holy shit! The baby and I both jump and he begins to cry. I hold him up at my shoulder and begin patting his back to soothe him. With my other hand, I reach around and grab the phone.

  “Hello?” I can barely hear anything because Evan is still whining in my other ear. He is nuzzling my neck looking for food. “Hello? You’ll have to speak up the baby is crying.”