by A. E. Murphy
What do I do now?
I claim a new seat and bury my face in my hands.
Three hours pass before I get another call and the man on the line says softly, “Your brother is out of surgery.”
Screaming a happy cry is what I want to do, but sobbing with relief is what I actually do. He’s okay too. He’s okay.
My heart gives a heavy beat, my stomach a twinge of hunger, and my eyes sting from all of the crying.
I stand on shaky legs and escort myself to where I hope my brother is. If they don’t let me see him it’ll be at their peril.
The clock has stricken midnight when I’m finally allowed to see my brother and I sob at the sight of him. His stomach is heavily bandaged, he has a drip coming from his arm, his eyes are hazy and exhausted and his wrists are strapped to the bed just like Calder’s.
“Is that necessary?” I snarl, rubbing my brother’s wrist beneath the cuff. “Look at him, he’s broken.”
“He’ll be less broken when he’s awake. Wound’s superficial,” the guard replies. “Lucky him.”
I ignore him and take some Vaseline out of my bag to rub on his dry lips. He groans in his sleep, from the pain or the nightmare of it all I don’t know. I’ve never seen my brother so vulnerable.
“You can’t stay.”
I look at the large man standing by the door and fix him with a gaze set to kill. “I’ll go when I’m ready.”
“I’ve done you a favour letting you in here at all.”
I go back to ignoring him and rest my forehead on his shoulder. He doesn’t stir which is heart-breaking. I need to speak to him before I’m made to leave. They won’t let me leave a note and even if they did, what could I say that won’t implicate me?
I kiss his forehead and sigh heavily.
An hour passes before I’m forced to leave and for the most part the guard has the gall to look saddened by it. Yeah, right. It’ll make him feel guilty for all of five minutes and then he’ll get distracted by an article on Facebook and forget all about the fact I’ll be at home, panicked and wondering how the hell I’m going to get these men out of here while they’re like this.
I just need to wait for their word. That’s what my brother told me. “Don’t fret, sis, just wait for my word and then it’s go time.”
I head home, what else can I do?
It’s cold, dark, and unsafe so I use what little money I have to get a taxi and then sit in the back making no conversation. The man driving thinks I’m rude but he doesn’t know what I’m dealing with right now.
I make a point to thank him softly but my heart isn’t in it. My heart hasn’t been in a lot of things for a long time. Thoughts of my mother come to the forefront of my mind making my lower lip tremble. I want to walk into her warm house and hug her so hard just one last time.
I can’t do this without her. What do I have here without her to keep me grounded?
A familiar form is sitting on the steps leading up to the entrance of my block of flats.
I had thought he’d call, I didn’t think he’d just show up. I’m not in the mood or the right frame of mind to deal with him.
“I came to check that you’re okay. You weren’t answering your phone.”
I wet my lips and sit next to him, leaving a few inches of space between us. “My brother has been stabbed.”
“I just found out. I’m not very good at being there for you, am I?” His voice is so soft and solemn. It’s heart-breaking. The last thing I want is him feeling guilty because of my choices.
“I’m not your problem anymore, Niall.”
He engulfs my hand in his, it’s so large and warm. “You’re not a problem, Rain. You’re somebody I love and your shit is my shit.” I smile sadly at that while removing my hand from his. The guilt of accepting his comfort is too much. “How is he?”
“He’s out of surgery but still sleeping.”
“I’ll see what I can do about getting you in to see him tomorrow,” he assures me but I shake my head. The less he does for me now the better.
“No need.” I look over my shoulder at the door as it opens and one of my new neighbours exits in a high-vis work uniform. He smiles at us and heads east. I wait for his boots to clomp far enough away before I stand, though Niall forever the gentleman jumps up to help me. “Thanks for coming, Niall.”
I search in my pocket for my keys.
“Anything you need.” He hesitates, letting his words linger between us and I mentally beg that he doesn’t ask me to invite him up. “Can I come up? See your new place?”
Damn it.
“I…” I wet my lips. “I’ve only been here three days. It’s a mess.”
“Maybe I can help you unpack?”
I’m about to protest but I just can’t say no. He’s done nothing wrong. I feel like I’m kicking a puppy.
Turning, I unlock the main entrance and lead him up a flight of stairs. It’s not the nicest place but it’s also not the worst. It will do in a pinch.
“It’s damp,” he comments, touching a spot on the wall as we ascend together.
“Don’t be so sure that’s not pee,” I mutter and laugh under my breath when he immediately wipes his hand on his black shirt. “You look good. Have you been at work today?”
“I’m always at work at the moment.”
We arrive on my floor and I take him to my door which is directly opposite my neighbour’s. Pushing the key into the lock, I wait for it to click into place and wriggle it a little before twisting it. It clicks open and I just know I’m going to regret this.
He confirms that the moment he steps inside and gasps softly. “Oh, Rain.”
“It’s temporary.”
“Is it?”
I look around my sparse surroundings and shrug. “It’ll do.”
He drags his hands through his hair and grips it tight. “It’ll do? You can’t be serious? Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“You can stay with me… it doesn’t have to be like this.” He circles my bicep with his hand. “Come home with me. We can do this together; my mind hasn’t changed.”
This is why I didn’t want to do this. “You’re a great guy, Niall, but I’m not the same girl I was.”
“Are you worried for my safety? Is that it?”
“No.” I place my hand flat on his chest. “I mean, yes, of course I worried about that but truthfully, I just… I’m not in love with you anymore. Not like I once was.”
With thinning lips, he blows a sharp breath through his nose and then pushes my hand away. His eyes cast around the apartment. “You’re choosing this… over me?”
“Niall—”
“This?” He turns away from me and releases a really long breath. “Love could come back with time.”
He’s right. Maybe it could. But is his the kind of love I want anymore? “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Yes, you do,” he replies harshly, finally looking at me with beautiful brown eyes. “It’s all you’ve done since I brought you back. Hurt me, and yourself.”
“I know.”
“You know?” He takes a step back towards me, it’s tense. “Just, you know?”
“I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt anybody. I’m doing my best, here, Niall. My mum just died!” My tears start to flow freely so I wipe at them with my sleeve. “My brother has been stabbed. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder. I’m due in ten weeks. That’s it, ten weeks and look at where I’m living! I’ve lost you…”
“You haven’t lost me.”
“I have! Because I’m not selfish enough to keep you when I know I don’t deserve you!”
He mutters a curse under his breath and looks around my tiny flat again. “You can’t raise a baby here, Rain. Look at it. Where would you even put a cot? How can you get a pram up and down those stairs?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “Things aren’t exactly as I planned.”
“Then
let me help you.”
I’m almost tempted to say yes but I can’t do that to him. I have a plan. In a few weeks my brother will be free and I’ll be going with him as soon as he has something sorted.
It’s a fantasy but it’s a good one. My brother has money, he has friends.
He has Calder.
But I have Niall. I could stay here with him and raise this baby.
I almost laugh at the thought. Captain knows I’m pregnant now and I’m glad he knows. I wanted him to know. It’s a relief, a massive weight off my shoulders. I want to know everything now. I need to know.
How does he feel about it? Does he know it’s his?
Is he panicking thinking I’m going to take his child from him like I was when I first found out I was pregnant?
I look around the room once more and realise that right now I’m not exactly promising this child a better life than what Calder can. But Niall is.
Niall is promising stability, marriage, love, a legal and good job.
So why am I so reluctant?
I bite my bottom lip.
I’m reluctant because I’m in love with the captain and I want him to come back for me.
The baby is a complication, a good one, but until I’ve spoken to him I’m not casting him away. He deserves a chance to redeem himself and be a father. It’s never been so clear to me before now.
“You should go,” I say firmly, knowing I need to put my foot down. I’ve made my choice. It’s not fair to keep stringing Niall along.
“But—”
“Niall.” I gently guide him to the door. “I’m okay.”
“You’re not. You’re spiralling.”
I blink at that because for all my faults I am certainly not spiralling. “What?” The spoken word is a growl more than anything.
“You’re not fine. You’re traumatised.”
“Whoa, okay.” I give him a harder push to the door. “I’m not traumatised. I’m grieving.”
“You have been through a lot and now.” He motions to the room, his face openly showing his disbelief. “This?”
My hands ball into fists at my sides as I contemplate throttling him. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He doesn’t know how I’m dealing with any of this. He’s not here. He is not me. “You need to go.”
“I’ve upset you.” His remorse is evident, but I give no fucks about that. My patience is wearing thin.
“Yes. Now go.” I raise my hand when he tries to step towards me. “Don’t push it, Niall. Go on with your life and leave me to mine.”
“You don’t have a single thing for the baby, Rain,” he snaps, moving to the door.
“It’s in storage.”
“Right.” Rolling his eyes, he yanks on the door but it gets stuck.
“Let me, it’s a bit…” I reach around him and wriggle the latch as he tugs on it.
As my breasts brush against his arm, he turns his head and I feel warmth against my lips.
I jolt back from the surprise it incites and place my hand on his shoulder as his brown eyes seek mine. They’re hopeful but wary and now I’m just annoyed.
“What are you doing?” I whisper-hiss. “Is this why you came?”
“No, of course not…”
I step back. “You need to go. We’re done, Niall. It’s finished.”
“You’re not thinking straight.”
“Because I don’t want to be with you?”
“Exactly, what we had was perfect!” He steps back inside and grips my arms with his hands. “We got on well, the sex was great, we have similar interests—”
“No,” I state firmly when he leans in to kiss me again.
“Rain,” he barks, more frustrated now. “Everybody thinks this baby is mine. They don’t know we’ve separated. We could just fall back into what we were.”
He’s unhinged and desperate, which is funny because he accused me of the same.
“Please,” I beg, pushing on his chest as he holds me closer still. “This isn’t what I want or need.”
“You don’t know what you want or need anymore. If you did you’d be home with me and not here.”
“Oh my God.”
“I’ve tried giving you space, I’ve tried leaving you to it, hoping you’d come back. Your mum told me it would work, that it’s what you needed! But look at where you are!”
“Niall!” I yell. “Let me go!”
His hands leave my arms but I have a feeling I’ll find bruises there tomorrow in the shape of his fingers. There’s a lingering ache that I do not like at all.
“Go,” I command, putting another metre of distance between us. “And don’t come back. I’m done.”
“You’re not as smart as I thought you were,” he snarls before finally exiting, slamming the door behind him as he goes.
Never once in my entire relationship did I ever feel scared of him until just then. But he’s right, I never needed to. I never questioned him or argued with him. I’ve never made him mad in the four years we were together.
We were happy. Happy enough that I never had to see a darker side of him. I never challenged him, never defied him, never stepped out of line in order to be told off.
Or I’m being silly. He’s upset and reacted badly. I can’t hold that against him. We all have our moments.
Moving to my bed, I crawl into the middle and hug my pillow tightly. My room is cold suddenly, and a lot drearier than it was the day I moved in.
I sure hope I’m deciding right on something.
“We’ve had some complaints today about your tone.” My boss sighs after pulling me into the office right as I’m about to leave work to meet up with Sadie. A welcome break that I need. I haven’t seen her in a while.
“My tone? With whom?”
“To our clients.”
I frown because I’ve been nothing but polite all day as always. “Which clients?”
“I can’t discuss that… is everything okay? Are you feeling hormonal?”
I look into her blue eyes for a moment as I gather my thoughts. “I swear I haven’t had a tone. It must be a misunderstanding.”
“It’s okay, you’ve been through so much lately. Maybe you should take some time…”
I shake my head. “I can’t afford to take any time off. I need to be busy.”
“I understand that. Losing your mum…”
“Don’t,” I plead, gripping tight to my bag handle so I don’t start fidgeting. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Sighing again, she looks at her phone and then back up at me. “I’m here if you need to talk. We’re friends. But I have to be your boss first.”
“I appreciate that,” I mutter. “I’ll be more careful in future.”
“Thank you.”
She follows me to the door and closes it behind me. I feel a bit ambushed to be perfectly honest. I know it was just a quiet word but I genuinely haven’t been any kind of negative to anybody today and as far as I can remember the clients I have spoken to have all been just as nice. Who would complain about me? Nobody has ever complained about me before?
I’m forever the sweet and calm Rain.
I take the punches, I rise above it. In fact, the only person in my entire life that has forced me to react in a hysterical manner is Calder. And he brought that out of me numerous times.
This is too much. Maybe I should leave work.
I head to meet Sadie on the corner and the second I see her I hug her. I need the comfort and she’s happy to give it.
“What’s happened?” she asks, rocking us both. “Talk to me.”
“Shit morning at work, nothing I can’t handle.”
“Isn’t it time you left work? You’ve got what? Four weeks left?”
“Ten,” I correct and caress my bump. “I’m just massive.”
“You can say that again,” Sadie mutters and pats the top of my swollen tum. “You’ve really expanded since we last saw each other.”
“I know, Baywatch called and a
sked for their beach ball back.”
We laugh. For the first time since before my mum died, I laugh.
She tightens her dark ponytail. “Are you doing okay? You look like you’ve lost weight everywhere else. Your face, your arms, your legs?”
“I could be eating better,” I comment truthfully. “Though I’ve not been neglecting myself.”
“Good.” She pushes open the door to the coffee shop that does the best soup in London in my opinion.
We head to the counter, order our drinks and cake and then sit at a small table by the window. It’s not until we’ve stirred our drinks that we start talking again, breaking the awkward silence.
I can see in the creases of her deeply set eyes that she wants to say something but is struggling to find the courage.
“What is it?” I ask, putting her on the spot.
She’s about to make an excuse, I see it in her eyes, but I stare her down and she relents. “I’m sorry I wasn’t much help with the funeral. I didn’t want to bring it up but…”
I shake my head. “You were better than most people. I needed space. Thank you for giving that to me.”
“Your mum was an amazing lady.”
“She was a massive freak,” I reply with a twisted smile. “I miss her.”
We sip our drinks in silence and my thoughts go back to wonderful memories of my mother who would want so much more for me out of life than what I’m permitting myself.
“Are you excited for the baby?”
“Extremely,” I admit and a genuine smile takes over from where my forlorn smile left off. “He’s moving so much and I can see it when I’m lying down. It’s weird.”
“Pregnancy is weird. Beautiful, but weird.”
I nod and hum and then I look at my phone as it vibrates on the table. My heart flutters when I see the withheld number on the screen.
“Sorry,” I murmur and then bring it to my ear. “Hello?”
An unrecognised male voice speaks, “Good afternoon, is this Ms Hyde?”
“It is.”
“My name is Edward Lakey. I’m calling on behalf of your brother, Mr River Hyde, whose case I now represent.”
“Oh my God, is he okay?” Sadie’s eyes cast to me, concern evident in them as I wait for his response. This is the first call I’ve had from somebody with my brother’s best interests in mind, so I’m extremely nervous about what’s to follow.
