by A. E. Murphy
“He’s fine, he’d like to see you. I’ve managed to get him an hour of visitation this afternoon, three until four. Is that convenient for you?”
“Of course, I’ll be there!”
“Excellent. I shall let him know.”
“Three o’clock?” I ask quickly to confirm.
“That’s correct. B-Ward.”
“Thank you so much, Mr Lakey.”
“My pleasure,” he replies. “Have a nice day, Ms Hyde.”
“Ditto.” I hang up the phone and smile at Sadie. “I get to see my brother today.”
Her smile mirrors mine. “That’s excellent news.”
“This day is going to drag,” I add and she slaps my arm playfully. “Kidding, I’m so glad you’re here.”
Of course the day drags, even with the help of Sadie, but my time came to see him and here I am. At the foot of his hospital bed, just staring at him as he opens his arms for me to hug him.
My emotions overwhelm me as I take in his gaunt appearance and his pasty skin. He doesn’t look great.
“Are you going to hug me or what?” he asks, smiling happily despite how weak he looks.
I glance at the guard in the corner who nods once and I immediately move around the bed to hug my brother. His strength is good, I notice in his squeeze. He’s not cuffed to the bed either so he has more movement.
Enough movement to slip his hand into my hair and remove the two bobby pins I hid there. That makes my life a bit easier. I was worried about how I’d transport them to him without the guard noticing. Although my heart is still racing from the fear of getting caught and him losing his chance to get out of here.
I’m so relieved it worked.
“How are you?” I ask, sitting on the side of the bed by his feet.
“Suffering from the side effects of the medication I’m on to control a raging infection in my abdomen.” Why does he look so amused by this? How is this amusing?
“Are you serious? Nobody told me!” I shoot an accusatory look at his guard who is playing on his phone, completely distracted. This is good. I hope he’s always distracted and I hope he’s always the guard on duty.
“I’ll be fine, this is good.”
My brow furrows. “How is this good?”
“Let’s talk about something else,” he replies quietly, smiling softly at me. “How’s the baby cooking?”
“I told you it’s a boy didn’t I?”
His nods and his eyes light up. “Any names yet? I like River.”
I laugh at that and squeeze his knee. “You would. I like Rain.”
“That’s a girl’s name.”
“Not true! It’s unisex.”
“You can’t name a baby after yourself. Only dads can do that, and uncles.”
Rolling my eyes, I touch my belly affectionately and my mind drifts to other topics. “Niall accused me of being unhinged.”
“What?”
“He thinks I’ve lost my mind after everything that happened.”
“Have you?”
I smack his leg and growl at him.
Once he’s stopped laughing, he shrugs his shoulders and purses his lips for a moment. I was always envious of my brother’s lips. They’re so full, with a softly curved cupid’s bow. It’s one of our few differences. Even though we are obviously not identical twins, we are very similar. Save for our lips and my eyes are slightly darker than his. His are an electric-blue, so vibrant and pulsing with his energy. Mine are a stormier blue with flecks of dark grey.
I remember when I was lying in bed with Calder once and he was stroking my cheek with his fingers as his gaze penetrated mine. He loved holding my eye contact, I’m not sure what he thought he’d find there.
He said to me, so softly, “Looking into your eyes is like looking into the ocean.”
“You’re so weird.”
His smile stretched his face, slightly shifting his scar to one side, a scar I touched so many times as though wanting to erase it. “It’s my favourite thing in the world.”
“The ocean?”
“Hmm. That too.”
I kissed him and wondered how I’d ever leave. My conflicted spirit was starting to lose its balance and I was becoming more in favour of staying forever.
I wonder if I would have left him had he not fucked that woman on the island, something he now claims he didn’t do.
I don’t care if he did or didn’t do it, what matters to me is the reason behind it. He wanted to hurt me and he succeeded.
Could I forgive him for that?
“How long until my nephew makes an appearance?”
“Ten weeks if he sticks to the schedule.”
“Shit, not much left then. Do you have everything you need?”
I shake my head. “No. I don’t have anything, River. I need you. I need somebody.”
He squeezes my hand and determination flickers in his gaze. We hug again and he whispers directly into my ear, “I’ll be there. I promise. I won’t let you down.”
Pulling back, I pat his chest gently and look around the empty, white room, so void of life.
“Reckon your solicitor can get me in to see Calder? He knows I’m pregnant, I have to talk to him.”
This time the guard does look up, but only for a moment.
“I’ll see what I can do, just ask on the way out, maybe they’ll take pity on you?”
“I’m not sure that it works that way.”
His eyes soften when he looks at my stomach again. “Have you heard from Selina?”
I blink, surprised he asked, he never does. Selina is a tough subject for him, for both of us. She was his best friend growing up, and mine. They fell in love too young and she got pregnant. It ended in tragedy and they couldn’t recover, none of us could.
“I heard that she moved to Sheffield from Mum, but I don’t know how true that is.”
“You should call her.”
I shake my head. “You should.”
He looks away. “You know she’ll never talk to me now. I’m everything she said I was.”
“She was hurt.”
“It’s better left alone,” he grumbles and perhaps he’s right. “What life can I give her now? I have nothing for her.”
I place my hand over his and smile as brightly as I can muster. “You’ll be free before you know it, thick muscles and banging tats that no woman can resist.”
“Here’s hoping.”
We fall into a comfortable silence for a while but then I lean over and kiss his forehead when his eyes start to droop. He needs rest, he’s been battling sleep since I arrived. I have a feeling it has a lot to do with the pain medication he is on.
“I’m going to get something from the vending machine,” I say quietly, because even though he’s sleeping. I’m not leaving. Who knows when I’ll see him next?
I look at the guard. “Am I allowed to bring him something back?”
The guard chews on his lip for a moment before replying, “I don’t see the harm. So long as I can inspect it.”
“Deal.” I’ll have nothing to hide. “Do you want a coffee?”
“Just had one, but thanks.”
I exit the room, into the busy hall and smile at nurses and doctors as I pass. I check all of the door signs, looking for Calder but then I realise if he is here, he’ll be under a surname and I don’t know what that is.
But then, miraculously, at the end of the hall, by the vending machines there’s another police officer perched outside of one of the doors. My heart starts hammering with excitement as I near and try to get a sneaky glimpse of the door sign.
It reads, “Patient – C.”
That’s got to be him! Perhaps he doesn’t have a surname? I know so little about the man whose seed I now carry in the form of a tiny human.
I race to the vending machine, buy a few bars of chocolates and some crisps, and then rush them back to my brother’s room.
“I think I know where Calder is staying,” I whisper to his sleepy fo
rm. “Last room on the right at the end of the hall.”
“Good to know,” he responds tiredly and yawns massively, showing all of his teeth.
The guard checks over the chocolate and nods when he’s satisfied they’re not hidden blades or drugs.
I leave them on the bedside table because my brother, as happy as he is to see the chocolate, isn’t able to eat them at this point in time.
I’m not upset, he’ll get to them when he can.
Wetting my lips, I look at the guard and round my eyes as best I can.
He looks startled and I wonder if I’m putting too much effort into the puppy dog look.
“Is it possible for me to visit another injured inmate? Calder he’s called? He’s on this floor.”
He’s about to open his mouth, to deny me access, I can tell by the look in his eye. So I quickly roll my hand over my large, round stomach and add, “He’s not seen me for some time and with the state of the prison at the moment, I worry I won’t get to see him again before the birth of our child.”
Groaning under his breath, he pulls out his radio and calls for somebody called Ed.
When Ed crackles a quick reply, the guard asks, “You got the pirate?”
“Yeah.”
“Got a visitor for him.”
“Whatever.”
He smiles at me and points to the door. “Go, now, before I change my mind.”
I kiss my brother’s head again and waddle quickly back out to the hall. My eyes set on the guard outside who seems to be waiting for me. He opens the door the moment I’m close enough and pulls it shut behind me.
The room is much like my brother’s, but this obviously has different people inside and a slightly different layout of machinery. A different guard sitting by the door to my right, and a different man, sitting almost upright in bed.
He looks up, his hair neater than it was the last time I saw him, but only slightly. His eyes, so green, seem to come back to life as though he was dormant until I got here. The colour filters in as his look of disbelief transforms into a smile.
“Rain,” he breathes, sitting more upright. His hands are free which pleases me. He’s clearly too weak to do any damage to anybody but himself right now. “You came.”
I approach the bed slowly with a Dairy Milk bar in my shaking hand. “I don’t know what your favourite is. I took a guess.”
Placing it on the bedside table, I stand awkwardly to the side and ask softly, “How are you feeling?”
He completely ignores my question as he drags himself up and to the side of the bed so his legs hang. It looks to give him no small amount of pain, but he powers on anyway.
“Don’t,” I command, placing my hand on his shoulder. “You’ll open your stitches.”
“He’s already done that twice,” the guard grumbles but I don’t look his way.
“Calder,” I admonish.
“Were you ever going to tell me?” His hand suddenly reaches for my stomach, but I step back, surprised at his sudden movement. He drops his hand to his thigh and lets his head hang for a moment.
“Do you want me to lie and give you the answer you want to hear?” I look down as he looks up, our eyes connecting. His wary and full of betrayal, mine likely full of the shame spiralling around my body right now, twisting my limbs and organs to mush.
“How far along?”
“I’m thirty weeks.”
He does the math, working that one out in seconds and his eyes that were hooded and cautious are now wide and excited. “It’s mine?”
“Yes,” I mutter then glance at the guard who has his eyes down.
Calder blows out a breath, its note happy. “Is it a boy or a girl?”
“Boy.”
This time when he reaches out, I let his palm connect with the swell of my stomach. He touches me tentatively, his eyes on nothing else. “I never thought I’d be a father.”
“Well, I mean, we didn’t exactly practise safe sex, Calder. What did you think would happen?”
“I didn’t think.”
My breath falters, much like his did, though mine is a note of fear. “Are you unhappy?”
“Not about this.” His other hand goes to my stomach and holds it gently. I will the baby to move and kick his hands but there’s no luck. “But about the fact you were never going to tell me, like this means nothing to me.”
“Yes, because my immediate thought was to run to the man who kidnapped me, drugged me daily, and then fucked somebody else to hurt me.”
His brows pull together. “I told you that didn’t happen. I didn’t fuck her.”
“And I’m inclined to not believe a word you say.” I step away from him, folding my arms across my chest. “You don’t deserve my unwavering trust. You’ve done nothing to earn it.”
He doesn’t argue and for that I’m grateful because it at least means he knows that what he did was wrong.
After a pause, he asks bitterly, “What are you going to do? How does your pet pig fit into all of this?”
“Don’t call him that.”
He stares blankly at the wall behind me, carefully masking the hurt I can see in his eyes.
I falter, as pain slices through me at the memory of my last love. “Niall isn’t in the picture anymore.”
“No?” He looks at my stomach again. “Did he leave you because of this?”
“No, I left him,” I admit sadly. “My heart wasn’t in it anymore. I couldn’t string him along.”
Cautiously, he swallows. “Your heart wasn’t in it?”
I shake my head. “I think I left it on the sea, way back before the island.” My lip trembles as I battle with my emotions. “I don’t feel like myself anymore. I haven’t for so long.”
“I’m sorry I ever did this to you,” he breathes, reaching for me. My hand goes to his but there’s still a space between us. “I want to promise you that I’ll care for you, care for the baby, but…” He looks around us, his eyes glistening with tears. “Would you even accept me? If I were free? Would you come back to me? After everything I’ve done to you? Could you forgive me eventually?”
I stroke his stubble with my free hand and step closer, putting his head at the same height as my throat. He tips back slightly, to see me properly, and groans when I kiss his lips tenderly. Not like before. This time it’s sweet, soft, and warm.
His hands span my waist and his body straightens as he tries to climb higher, finally placing his feet on the floor with a grimace I feel against my tingling lips.
We pull away after a moment, breathing softly but quickly and our foreheads connect.
I wrap my arms around his neck and move my forehead to the skin below his ear. “I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else… than with you.”
Choking out a noise, he holds me so tightly in his arms I imagine it brings him no small amount of pain. His lips touch my ear, his breath laboured now and slow. “I’ll get out of here, I swear it. I’ll get out of here and I’ll come for you.”
“Okay,” I murmur, feeling hopeful for the first time in weeks.
“I love you,” he insists and this time I do believe him. “And our son. You’ll want for nothing. You’ll have everything.”
“That’s enough,” the guard barks, and we separate but not before joining lips one more time.
“I’ll be waiting,” I mouth and he smiles back at me.
“Time for you to leave.” The guard, aka Ed, stands and motions for me to follow.
“Wait.” I go back in for another kiss, making Calder grin handsomely, before he collapses on the bed and groans in pain. Then I leave, doing as I’m told. It wouldn’t be wise at this juncture to make an enemy of the guard.
Now all I can do is wait. The most torturous part of all.
River: Is the car ready?
Rain: Yes.
River: Not long now.
Rain: As in hours, or days?
River: No way to know. Stay patient.
I’ve had a bag packed for myself for d
ays now, waiting by the door for me to grab. It’s an overnight bag. Full of just enough things to keep me and the baby going. I know it’s crazy. I don’t even know where we’re headed. River assures me that our destination is set and safe for all of us, baby included. The journey, however, could be rockier than anticipated.
That’s all the information he’s been able to sneak my way, until he managed to get his hands on a phone yesterday. Though even those messages are lacking information.
It’s to guard our backs, it’s smart. It’s frustrating for me because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m trusting my life and the life of my child to my brother and my… captain.
Niall has been in touch but I’ve been avoiding him. I’ve got to continue avoiding him until I’m gone. If he finds out what I’m doing, he’ll set a trap for my brother and Calder. I can’t risk that. I am so close to freedom, so close to being in the arms of the man I love, being beside my twin brother again, the other man I love.
My future is getting clearer the closer I get to victory. Though it also gets far more terrifying.
My due date is a little under nine weeks again but I’m not thinking about that.
I stroke my stomach and smile when my little boy kicks. “Not long now, sweet one. Stay warm and safe.”
I handed in my notice for maternity leave yesterday, much to the delight of my co-workers. There was no small amount of eye rolling from my part as their smiling faces bid me goodbye and good luck. They don’t know that I’m never going back.
I’ll not tell them either. If I suddenly pack up and leave my job, it could hint to something coming, or someone.
So far I’ve done a great job of keeping my private life private and I intend it to stay that way.
I’m going to miss Sadie and definitely Melissa who is due to have her baby in the next two weeks. I might never get to meet the little one.
There’s something unsettling about leaving people behind without an explanation but I know it’s for the best. My life is elsewhere now. I can’t drag them down with me, and who knows, maybe one day I’ll be able to return. Maybe one day this will all blow over.
