by Colbie Kay
Present Day
Jacey
Once the guys got us to the hospital, the baby and I were rushed to the labor and delivery unit. Dr. Greene checked us out and we were both healthy. Bear went between checking on me and checking on the baby. They had to take him to the nursery for a while to clean him up and weigh him.
Bear sits in a chair next to the bed, and I scoot to the edge, patting the bed next to me. "I don't think that's a good idea Jacey. I don't wanna hurt you."
"I’m fine. Now get up here." He comes over, carefully sitting down. I lay my head on his chest, putting my arm around his waist. He wraps me in his arms and kisses the top of my head. "I'm sorry Bear, for everything I fucked up."
"Hey, look at me.” I lift my head to meet his eyes. "Yeah, you did. You really fuckin' did. I'm serious though. No more fuckin’ games, no more lies, and you don't run from me anymore. This is the last time. I know I've said that a lot, but I'm serious. Don’t fuck it up." I feel the tears burning my eyes, as I nod. "First, we need to name our boy,” he says, with pride in his eyes. “Do you have any names picked out?"
"Depends," I say, smiling. "What’s your name, Bear?"
He bursts out laughing, then replies, "We really did this wrong, didn't we?" I can't help but laugh too. "My name is Kellen Rhodes. Damn, it's been a long time since I've said my real name."
"I love it!"
He looks shocked at first and then it hits him. “Wait? You wanna name the baby after me?"
"Well, yeah. You’re his father. Now if you had a horrible name, I would’ve had second thoughts." That makes us laugh again.
"I guess it's a good thing my parents gave me a good name then," he says with a smile, then it falls. "Ripper's real name was James, but I always called him Jimmy. I wanna name him after Ripper." That brings the tears back and I nod.
"We are not calling our son Jimmy, but how about Kellen James Rhodes?"
"I like it." He leans down, taking my mouth with his.
"How did you get the name Bear?" I wonder why I never asked before.
He starts laughing. "Well, when Ripper took me to the clubhouse that first day, I had to wait outside until the club voted if I could stay, and Ripper took me out back where Hanger and Gunner were shooting BB guns. They asked what to call me, and since Ripper called me ‘Kid’, I told them to call me the same thing. They both laughed and said they couldn't call me ‘Kid’ because I was way too big. I was always bigger than most kids my age, and Hanger took notice. He said he was gonna call me ‘Bear’ and it stuck."
"But when you took me to the diner, Ma called you Bear. Didn’t they know you before the club? Why wouldn't they call you Kellen?"
"Yeah, at first they did. I couldn’t prospect for the club then, so about six months after I was there, I got put in charge of watchin' out for Hanger and Gunner. I would take them to the diner with me. One day, Ma asked them why they call me Bear. Hanger told her that I said to call me ‘Kid’ and he couldn't do that, but took a look at how big I was compared to the two of them. She thought that was the funniest shit ever and it stuck with her too. What was so bad, was Hanger and Gunner were two scrawny fucks then so I looked even bigger."
The door opens and the nurse walks in holding our baby. He has a little blue hat on and is wrapped in a light blue blanket with bears on it. I can’t help but chuckle that he’s wrapped in bears. "Hey mom and dad, we got a healthy eight pound, twenty inch, baby boy here.” She hands Kellen to me. "Do you have a name for him?"
We look to each other, smiling, and look back to her, at the same time saying, "Kellen James Rhodes." Smiling, she nods and walks back out. Bear runs out to tell all the guys, and when he comes back in, he sits next to me and stares at his son. I ask him if he wants to hold our boy.
"Yeah," he says, while smiling from ear to ear and nodding his head. I hand Kellen over. "This is unreal. I never thought I could love anyone so much. I do, Jacey, I love him. I'm gonna be the best father I can be."
"I know you will."
Once Kellen has eaten and gotten changed, we laid him in the bed they wheeled in for him. Then Bear looks to me. "I think it's time we have that talk."
"Yeah, it is," I tell him. "What do you want to know?"
"How exactly did you get pregnant?"
"Well, you remember that first time, the condom broke. Before I met you, I had been sick and was taking antibiotics. The kind I was taking made the birth control not work." I already know what his next question is going to be.
"That explains a lot," he says, smiling. "How do you know Snake?"
He thinks I had sex with him and that is a disgusting thought. I look down and start fidgeting with the hospital gown. "He's my father."
"What!?" He all but shouts.
"Bear, quiet, the baby," I reprimand. “Snake is my father."
"How is that even possible?"
"I'll start from the beginning. I lived in Kansas until I was six, when my mother took me away and moved me to California. Over the years, she did her best to make me forget him, but I dream about him, and in my dreams he loves me and was a good father. My mother tells me things like he is trash and scum, that bikers try to take ownership of you, and they cheat and abuse the women they are supposed to love. She said he never wanted me, and I believed her because if he did, why didn't he come get me or at least come see me?”
He looks at me with understanding in his eyes. "That explains why you were always runnin' when I said shit like ‘you were mine’ and ‘you belong to me’."
"Yeah. My mother is a monster. That’s why I never want you to meet her. She’d be so mean and I can’t let you go through that. She kept me sheltered my whole life, thinking we were better than everyone else. Hell, she wouldn't even let me play with other kids! I had to study all the time to become a doctor. That’s why I love music and cars so much. She could hear the music, but could never knew about the cars, she would've flipped so I kept it a secret. I became smart, like, really fucking smart and I graduated high school when I was sixteen just so I could get away from her."
"So that's why I was the first?"
"No, my mother and father were never married. She didn't have to go through a divorce or anything like that when she took off. When I was ten, she married a guy that I absolutely hated. He wanted me to call him dad, and I just couldn't do it. The dreams kept me from that, I was hanging on to something I wanted to be real, you know? Well, as the years went on and I got older, he started looking at me differently and not in a fatherly way. The night of my graduation, something happened, and I left the next day and never went back."
Bear has a hard look on his face. "What happened Jacey?" he asks. "I know he didn't rape you, so what happened?”
"I’ve never told anyone this, not even my mother.” He nods, encouraging me to go on. "I went to a party that night, the first one I had ever been to, and I got drunk. When I got home, he asked me come into the study, where he tried to rape me, but I stopped him by hitting him with a lamp over and over again until he got off of me. I ran into my room and locked the door. The next day, I blackmailed him. I told him I would tell my mother and the cops if he didn't give me money and pay for my schooling. I had to get out of there, and I didn't have the money to leave." His features are hard, his jaw tense. He’s pissed.
"I'm so sorry that happened." He squeezes me tight in his arms, giving me a hard look, letting me know he’s not happy.
"Bear, you can't do anything. He’s very well known in California, and he’s rich. No, you can't do anything to him."
"I'm not gonna do anything," he reassures, looking kind of scary. "How much did he give you?"
"Two and a half million."
"Holy fuck, Jacey!”
"Yeah, I used some for school, my car, and the clinic building. That's it though, the rest is in an account. I don't touch it."
"Okay, so you lost trust in people and were scared of men. That's why I was the first?"
"Yeah, I mean, I had opportunities before, but
I never felt anything for them, so I couldn't do it. When I first saw you, it was like something out of my fantasies. You made me feel all sorts of things. Did you know you were my first kiss?"
That makes his smile return.
"I kinda thought so. You’ve made me feel all sorts of things for a while now, Lil Mama. I'm gonna have all your firsts, and you can take the ones I’ve got left. I wouldn't want anyone else to have them."
A smile overtakes my face. "Your firsts? Like what? Your ass?" I bust out laughing.
"Fuck no, smartass! I was talking about you bein’ my first baby mama!” He smiles and my laughing stops.
"Excuse me? Listen here you prick..." He stops me from continuing.
"Jacey, I’m kidding! You’re the only baby mama I want."
"You’re not helping yourself, mister. I’m not your ‘baby mama’, I’m the mother of your child, Baby Daddy,” I huff out.
"Okay, okay, Lil Mama.” He throws his hands up in surrender. "I was just kidding. You could never be just my ‘baby mama’. I'm serious though, whatever I have left to give is yours."
"You know you can be pretty great?"
"I know," he says, showing off that cocky smile. "So why did you come back to Kansas instead of just going to a different city in California?"
"I wanted to get as far away from my mother as I could and I know she hates Kansas. Plus, I wanted to find my father."
“I guess you accomplished that tonight."
"No, I found him a while ago, but I can't bring myself to talk to him. I'm scared he's not going to want anything to do with me, just like my mother said."
"It might be good to talk to him though. Find out how he feels."
"Yeah, I'll think about it. I've seen pictures of him on the computer and he looked happy."
"We’ve covered a lot, Lil Mama. Why don't you get some rest before Kellen wakes up?"
"That sounds good. Can I see your phone first?"
He hands it to me and I open up his YouTube app. I look up at him, close my eyes.
“This is from me to you.” I hit play on Nickleback's Far Away.
We listen to the song, while he holds me close, and I finally realize that this is where I should've been the whole time. Once the song is done, he tells me to look at him so I lift my head, meeting his eyes once again.
"No more runnin', let me love you now."
"Okay, no more running and I’ll try." I lay my head back down and fall asleep.
"Did you get the songs I sent you when you never answered?" I look at him once more, smiling.
"You mean Eighteen Days by Saving Abel, Push and Chains by Nick Jonas?"
“Ah, so you did,” he chuckles.
"You know, that's three songs of his you’ve had me listen to. You got a thing for Nick Jonas?" I bust out laughing again.
"Shut the fuck up," he starts laughing himself. "Not my fault they’re good songs and fit your ass."
"So true." I close my eyes, enjoying being back in his arms while he runs his fingers through my hair until I fall asleep.
We’re exhausted. Kellen didn't sleep at all last night so we started taking shifts. I feel like a weight as been lifted off my shoulders after telling Bear everything. We can only move forward from here, and I finally feel like I'm ready to take what he has been offering for so long. It was surreal seeing my father that close. I remember every feature to his face and the way he smells: oil and leather, even after all these years. I’m not sure what will happen with my father now, but I guess time will tell.
The nurses come in to check on us, making sure we’re both fine. I’m exhausted, having a baby takes a lot out of a person, and Bear sees it, so he tells me to sleep for a little while. I’m so grateful because I'm running on fumes. I’m not sure how long I slept, but when I open my eyes, Bear is holding Kellen, whispering to him. I can't hear what he’s saying but just the sight forms a lump in my throat and tears well up in my eyes. Why did I have to be so fucking stupid and let him miss everything?
All the guys, plus Zoey and Ever, come to see us. The brothers congratulate us and stare at Kellen in wonderment, but don't hold him. Poor guys, they’re big bad ass bikers, but scared to hold a little baby. I find it funny because when you meet them and are around them, they don't seem to be scared of anything. The girls hold Kellen though, and of course, fall in love. I can't wait for Zoey to have her babies!
I need to apologize to everyone and there's no better time than the present. “Guys, I want to tell you all how sorry I am that I really haven't given you a chance. I was holding shit against you all that had nothing to do with you. I hope you can forgive me. You're Bear’s family and now Kellen's too."
"Oh, well fuck, I guess we can forgive you,” Bam Bam replies with a smile.
“We never held anything against you, just treat our brother right,” Hacker chimes in. I nod, tears shining in my eyes. They all come give me hugs, even the girls. When it's Doc's turn, he whispers in my ear, "He loves you Lil Mama. Treat him right, please. The love you guys could have only comes around once in a lifetime and you don't wanna lose that, believe me. Don't keep Kellen away either, he's special to me. First baby I ever delivered and I certainly won't be forgettin' that."
"I won't, I promise,” I say, pulling away to look at him. “I won't ever forget it either and I can't thank you enough for delivering him." He smiles, nods and backs away. After everyone leaves and we’re alone again, I look to Bear. "Will you tell me about your mom?" He comes over to sit next to me on the bed.
"The only reason I wouldn't tell you before is because I didn't know where we were going and this isn't something a lot of people know about. Really, only Ripper knew and I hope you don't have second thoughts after I tell you."
"Bear, I'm not going to. This is a new start for us, so we need to get it all out." He gives me a tight nod starting the most heartbreaking story I've ever heard.
"I told you about my father being killed when I was eleven. My parents were so happy before he died. My momma couldn't deal with the pain of losing him, so she started going out all the time, leaving me at home to fend for myself. I started noticing changes in her, and finding burnt and bent spoons, needles laying around. And guys would start coming around when she was home.
I didn't understand at first, until two years had passed since my father's death. In that two years, my mother became a heroin addict. We lost the house, we lost everything and had to move into a horrible fuckin’ apartment in a shit part of town. She couldn't hold down a job at all and any money she got it would go to her addiction. But the bills still had to get paid and I needed food and clothes, so I found a group of kids to hang with and they taught me how to hustle. Being bigger than most kids my age, no questions were asked about how old I was and I don't think they would've given a shit anyway. So at thirteen, I was paying all the bills, buying groceries, and taking care of myself. When my mother needed to get high to take the pain away, I supplied her with what she needed. I would give her enough to last her a week. That was the deal, no more, no less. On the second anniversary of my father's death, I came home to find her dead. I had gotten new shit and had given her the same amount I normally did that morning, but instead of spacing it out, she did all of it in one blast. Jacey, I killed my mom." Bear’s gazing out the hospital window. I put my hand on his cheek, bringing his eyes to mine.
"Baby, listen to me. You did not kill your mom. She was hurting and couldn't deal, she chose to leave you. You have to let that guilt go."
He tilts his head into my touch, closing his eyes. "Ripper used to tell me that all the time. I never believed him though. I've held onto that for so long. I knew what that shit did to people, what it did to her. Jacey, my mom was so happy before my dad died and when he was taken from us, she gave up and never returned. My mother used to be so beautiful, with her tanned skin, long brown hair, and big, bright brown eyes. She always had a smile on her face. When I found her in that kitchen chair, she had stringy greasy hair, her face was sunk in, pasty
with deep black circles all around her eyes, and she had lost so much weight. She had sores all over her face and her arms. Her head was back and her eyes were open, so was her mouth, and I could see the tourniquet tied around her upper arm, the needle sticking out. I'll never forget it, how awful she looked. I remember it like it was fuckin' yesterday."
"Oh, Bear. I'm so sorry. You've been through so much."
"Yeah, well, it was all a long time ago. Just gotta keep movin' on."
"Is that why you call me Lil Mama?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you said she used to have tan skin and long brown hair."
"Huh… I never thought about it that way, but yeah. I guess. You do have some of the same features she had. I guess the name really does fit now that we've got Kellen." He lets out a soft chuckle and shakes his head.
"Bear, you’ve said to me that I wasn't proud to call you my man. That's not true. I was scared. I don't and wouldn’t want anyone else. I didn't know anything you had been through. You're so strong for making it through all that."
"I meant what I said last night, Jacey. Fuck, we did this all wrong, but from this point forward, we’re gonna make it right. We’re gonna start from the beginnin'."
"What the hell does that mean?"
There’s a knock at the door, and in comes my witch of a mother. How the hell did she find me? "It would have been nice to hear from you. I was so worried, I started calling all the hospitals around this God forsaken place until I found you." I guess that answers my question. She sees Bear and narrows her eyes. "Let me see my grandchild.” I hand Kellen over to her and she looks at Bear. "You’re dismissed now. You can leave."
"Bear, meet my mother." I look to him and I see he’s getting pissed, nostrils flaring, face turning red. "Mom, he’s not going anywhere. That is his son."
"Yes he is. Leave now. No grandchild of mine will be raised by biker trash. You will find a good man, someone who can support you and this baby." Yeah, this isn't good. He's gonna flip his shit if I don't handle this, and quickly.
"The fuck?" He sets his cold hard stare on her.
