by Colbie Kay
"Hey honey. Did you get everything?"
"Yeah."
"Well, what are you going to do now for money?"
"I don't know yet mom."
"You can't not know, Jacey. You have a baby on the way." Like I don't know this. "How do you expect to take care of a baby without a job?"
"I have my ways, Mother. Don't worry about it."
"Don't tell me not to worry! That is my grandchild! You need to start worrying about finding a husband to take care of you and this baby."
"I don’t need to find a husband. I’ll take care of this baby myself."
"Why don't you just go work at the hospital, find you a nice doctor?"
"I don't want a goddamn doctor, Mother! I want the father of my child, but I'm too goddamn scared to be with him. Hell, I don't even know if I want to be a doctor anymore!”
With that, I walk away and slam my bedroom door.
Why does it always have to be about money with her? She irritates the fuck out of me, and I can't deal with her anymore. Hopefully, she’ll get the point that I don’t want her here and don’t want to talk to her. I pull my phone out, about to text Bear. I really miss him and want to talk to him, but then I decide not to. It’s for the best to just let him be.
Bear
The night that Zoey made us dance for losing the bet was the last time I saw Jacey. It's been over a month and now she refuses to see me. After I walked out, I went to the bar, and not long after, she hightailed it outta there as usual. I’ve decided the chick is fucked up in the head. I’ve made my feelings clear, but she doesn't want any part of it so I'm fucking done. I don't know if she’s moved on. Shit, I don’t even know if she really was fucking someone else while we were together or not. She said she wasn't, but with her I never know what to believe. It'd make sense, all the back and forth she does, between wanting me and hating me. She’s never gonna let me in so I'm done.
Zoey and Hanger came back that night, engaged, and while I'm happy for him, I'm pissed too. It’s jealousy, I know. He got so fucking lucky with Crazy Girl, and I'm stuck wanting a woman that doesn't want me back. Her body desires me, but that's not enough anymore, I want all of her. I'm not giving in this time. I wasn't lying, I'll give her all the time she needs. I miss her crazy ass, but if Jacey wants me, she’ll have to come get me.
This last month has been full of tension because of Romeo, plus we have three new prospects. Two of them came from the Oklahoma chapter and the other is fucking Anthony Gremaldi. Apparently the Oklahoma boys, Demon and Chasyr, got into some trouble over their sisters and they needed to come here to lay low. Of course, already being part of the club, they were welcomed with open arms, plus Demon was helping Hunter watch over the warehouse so we knew him beforehand. Now Anthony, aka Pretty Boy, we weren’t too sure about, but he pulled through for us though. He kept his word and in the end, killed his uncle. That was the night we had to bring Crazy Girl in to help with club business. Hanger didn’t like it, but just like we all knew she would, Crazy Girl agreed to help get Romeo's ass back from being held hostage by Pretty Boy's uncle. Yeah, we had to put her in a dangerous situation, but she held her own and took her first life that night. She did it to save Hanger, I think that’s why she doesn’t feel too much remorse for killing the cunt that played our brother.
I'm in my room when I hear gun shots. Jumping outta my bed, I grab my 1911, charging a round. I run out to the bar, where my brothers are taking cover. The whores and hang-arounds are lying on the floor too, hiding and screaming. I see Chatty on the ground covering her head, and someone has the door open so they can shoot back. I go out the back door of the clubhouse and come around the side to the front. Peeking around the corner, I see Ripper is down, I take aim and shoot, hitting the windshield of the car. I don't know how long the crossfire lasts, but I look over and see Chatty run out the door. FUCK! I scream at her, “No, Chatty! Do NOT come out!” She doesn't fucking listen, and she runs out, dropping down next to Ripper, pulling him into her arms. The shooters peel out and I run over to her. Looking down, Ripper has blood pouring from his chest and back. When he coughs, it comes from his mouth.
"No! Oh God! Fuck! Not Ripper." I say to myself. I can't believe I'm gonna lose him. She needs a few minutes with him, and I wanna give them privacy so I step back far enough where I can't hear them. I just watch them, knowing this’ll be the last time they are together. After I see her kiss his lips, I know he's gone. Coming back to them, I tell her, "Chat, I need you to come with me."
"I'm not going anywhere, Bear."
"You gotta let Doc look him over."
"There’s nothing to look over! He’s dead!” She’s sobbing and screaming at me. "My husband, your brother, is dead!”
"I know, and I don't want him to be gone either, but Doc needs to look at him."
"For what? He can't do anything."
"Chatty, please don't make me pull you from him,” I beg her. This is too much, I can't fucking believe he’s gone.
"You’re gonna have to if you want me to leave."
Fuck me! I can't deal with this. I grab her around her waist as she clutches onto Ripper's dead body. Gunner helps me get her hands free while she’s screaming, "Please! Don't take me from him!” I carry her away so the guys can take his body. She’s kicking, hitting, crying, and screaming at me. I sit her down on the couch, then Gunner comes over to hold her. He pulls her tight to his chest and talks to her and I don’t know if she’s listening or what he’s saying, but I can’t deal with this shit. My best fucking friend was just shot and killed. Fuck this day! I head to my room until Hanger gets back.
When Hanger comes back, he calls church, and when it’s over, I go to my room and pull out my phone. I said I wasn't gonna give in, but I fucking need her. I can't deal with being here right now.
Bear: I need u.
Jacey: Bear?
Bear: No 4get everything else I need u.
Jacey: I'll be there in 20 wait outside.
I walk outside and wait for her by the gate. I don't wanna be here or around anybody. I see her pull up and I go climb in the passenger side of her car. “Drive,” I tell her, trying not to sound too much like an asshole.
"Where do you want to go?”
"I don't care, just drive. Get me the fuck outta here."
She drives us to the pond I had taken her to in my truck. Jacey parks and we sit there for a while, neither of us saying anything. She has the stereo playing, when See You Again by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth comes on. She reaches out to turn it off, but I stop her. "Leave it."
"Okay." Her voice is so quiet, she knows something is wrong.
Leaning back into the seat, I rest my head on the headrest, cover my eyes with my arm, and let a few tears free. When the song ends, I turn my head to look at her the exact same moment she looks at me. Her features are so soft. God, I fucking miss her. I can't resist not touching her anymore so I take her hand in mine.
"Bear? What happened? I'm kind of freaking out here."
"I'm not trying to freak you out. You’re the only person I could be around right now. Ripper got killed."
"What?" she asks and her eyes widen.
"Yeah, some shit went down with Romeo, the people retaliated against us. They came today, shot up the club, and killed Ripper."
"Oh god, Bear. I'm so sorry. Is Chatty okay? Is everybody else okay?" She pulls me to her the best she can, wrapping me up in her small arms. I lay my head on her breast, letting her comfort me for once.
"No, she lost it. Jacey, I had a good life once and if my life wouldn't have gone to shit, I would have never been part of the club. Then you would’ve been proud to call me your man."
"Shh…let's not do this right now. Let me just hold you,” she says, her hold on me tightening.
"Jacey, I hope you figure your shit out, and decide what you want soon. I can't keep doing this. I say I'm done and then somethin' always happens. I miss the fuck outta you. All this shit fuckin' hurts, it's too much."
"I
know." Still using her quiet voice, holding onto me for dear life.
"Did you know that Ripper is the reason I came to the club?"
"Yeah, Chatty told me he brought you in." Going back into my memory of that first day I was brought to the clubhouse, I just start talking.
"Yeah, I had to go into state custody. They placed me in a few different foster homes, not good ones either. The last one was with Ripper's parents. He came over one day and seen what his ol’ man did to my face, and I guess he got tired of seein' me beat up every time he came over, so he took me out of there and never looked back. He was twenty-six at the time, I was sixteen. He was already a patched member, but he talked to Hanger's pop, who was president at the time. The club voted that I could live there as long as I kept my shit clean and didn't draw attention to the club. By the time I was eighteen, they were my family. They had been takin' care of me for two years by then so I decided to prospect instead of leavin'. I needed that sense of family, I longed for."
"What happened to your parents?" She seems genuinely curious about it, so I continue.
"I'll tell you what happened to my dad, but not my momma." No fucking way am I getting into what happened to my momma.
"Okay,” she agrees.
I think back to that fateful night that changed my entire life. "It was a Tuesday evening, I just got done eatin' dinner at my friend's house. It wasn't quite dark yet, but the sun was goin' down. I rode into the yard at my house and parked my bicycle. I ran up the porch and turned the doorknob, throwing the door open.
"Momma, I'm home!” I yelled. She didn't answer me, which was unlike her, she always answered, and that’s when I heard it. My mom was crying. I had never heard my mom cry until that day, and I knew something had to be wrong. I made my way into the living room and that's when I saw her. She was sitting on the couch with her hands covering her face, her shoulders were shaking from the force of her sobs.
I asked, "Momma, where's Dad?" She looked up to me with the saddest look on her face. I didn't understand what was happening. I saw her red, wet eyes and her tear streaked face. I could tell she had been crying for a while. She reached over to pat the cushion next to her. "Come sit down, Baby. I have to tell you something."
I sat next to her and she took my hand in hers. They were so cold and she looked into my eyes.
"Momma, what's happening? Where’s Dad?" I asked again.
"Baby, there was an accident."
"What do you mean an accident?"
"Oh, Honey, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time."
"What happened to Dad, Momma?"
"Your father was shot tonight. He didn't make it."
I started shaking my head no so fast, thinking it can't be real. "You said it was an accident. How is that an accident?" I asked.
"The police came over and told me that he was at a gas station in town. I guess it was being robbed. When he went to go in the store, the police told him to stay put. He listened, but I guess he went to reach for his phone and they thought he was reaching for a gun. They shot him. They were confused and didn't know how many robbers there were."
"So the police killed him? They’re supposed to protect people. Momma, why would they do that? Why would they take my Dad away from me?" I could feel the tears leaking out of my eyes.
"Baby, I don't know. I am so sorry,” she told me.
“I stood up and pulled my hand from hers and ran to my room. I fell onto my bed and just kept thinking I'm never gonna see my father again. He's never going to be able to go outside and throw the ball with me again. He will never be at one of my games again. The ones that are meant to serve and protect innocent people took him from me, and from my momma.""
Oh my God. Bear, I'm so sorry." I look up at her and she has one hand covering her mouth and tears in her eyes.
"Yeah, that was a long time ago. You can take me back now."
"Okay?" I'm starting to get angry, she shouldn't be crying for me. The whole way back is silent, and once we get there, I get out without saying a word and go inside. Thank fuck they got everything cleaned up. I go to my room, lay in my bed. Seems like forever, but eventually I fall asleep.
Over the next week, things have been quiet around here. Crazy Girl has taken the place of Chatty, seeing as she won't get out of bed. I haven't heard from Jacey since that night. All the brothers are in mourning, especially me. I miss my brother, my friend. We had the funeral, and didn't use a police escort. Everyone knew who we were when they saw us coming and they showed their respect by pulling over. Chatty rode in the limo in front along with Crazy Girl. Chatty doesn't let her too far outta her reach. She's depending on her a lot and I’m thankful Crazy Girl has been there. I know right now she needs time, but I’ll see to it that she follows what Ripper wanted, but I don't think she’ll stick around too much longer. She has family in another state, so I see her going to them for a while. She won't be gone forever though.
All the brothers are on our bikes and the other chapters have come to give their final goodbyes to one of the best brothers we had. Chatty can't get through her eulogy so Crazy Girl steps up to help her. Hanger sang Knockin' on Heaven’s Door, which made even the biggest of the men lose their shit. I saw Jacey standing off in the distance. She’s wearing a long loose fitting black dress and it looks like she’s gained some more weight. I hadn't really paid attention the night she came and got me. Jacey usually always wears clothes that show off her sexy figure, but the dress she is wearing today is big, hangs straight down. Just knowing she was there was enough for me, and she left when it was over without a word to me, or anyone else for that matter. I don't know what the hell is going on with us, but I'll leave that up to her.
After the funeral, we go back to the clubhouse and have a bonfire for Ripper. Chatty and Crazy Girl stayed inside, with Chatty going right back to bed. All the guys stood around the fire drinking beer and telling stories about Ripper from his twenty-some years as a patched brother.
About a week after the funeral, Chatty left, just like I knew she would. She didn't say goodbye to anybody except Crazy Girl, which doesn't surprise me either. Losing Ripper and then leaving all of us, it would have been too much for her. When she comes back, and one day she will, we’ll be here welcoming her with open arms. She will always be a part of this family.
I spend my days going to work at the garage. Once a week, I go to the cabin to keep up on the maintenance and yard work. I don't think I’ll ever live there, but I like to keep up on it, just like my dad did. I spend my nights working on my truck. I do all this shit so my mind can stay the fuck off Jacey. I've texted and called her several times, which she doesn't respond to anymore. I know something’s up, and for her not to show up to Ever's graduation party isn't like her. For her to just quit answering my texts or calls isn’t normal either. Fuck, for all I know, she moved the hell on. The graduation party has been going on for a few hours, and I'm pretty fucking wasted when I decide it's time to ask Crazy Girl what the fuck is going on. I walk up to her trying to stay calm, asking, "Crazy Girl, why's my Lil Mama not here?"
"Well, she said she had some shit to do." She can't even look me in the fucking eyes when she says it.
"Crazy Girl, you’re lyin' to me. You know you’re a shit liar. Jacey hasn't been here in months."
"Bear, I can't tell you. If she wants you to know, she will come and tell you."
This is so fucked. I should’ve known she wouldn't tell me shit. "I call her, she doesn't fuckin' answer, and she’s stopped comin' ‘round. Somebody needs to tell me what the fuck’s goin' on!" I'm getting pissed because now I know she is keeping something from me. I've been sitting ‘round here for months, waiting for her to make up her goddamn mind.
Hanger looks over and very calmly says to me, “Bear, you need to watch yourself. Watch how you talk to my Ol' Lady." I know I need to, but I can't bring myself to give a shit right now. I just want somebody to tell me what the fuck is going on with her.
Crazy Girl says, "Bear, I wou
ld tell you if I could, but it's not my place. You guys have got your club rules, well, us girls have our girl code. Just give her some time. I think she will come to you."
"You know what? Whatever. Fuck it. I'm so fuckin' done with this shit. I'm outta here." Fuck them and their girl code. I'm done waiting. If she can't have the fucking decency to call me and tell me about whatever is going on, I'm done with waiting. I storm out to the garage, turn on Disturb’s Down with the Sickness and start looking at my truck. Somebody puts their hands on my back, running them up and down. Those hands, I haven't felt them in months. I turn and look down at Morgan. I haven't had pussy since I was last with Jacey and I don't want this bitch’s pussy either. I'll take her mouth though.
"On your knees." She drops down, like a good little whore, with a smile on her face. I pull my cock free. It's not hard, but she can get it there.
"Put me in your mouth, suck me until I cum." She does exactly what I say.
After a few minutes, my shit's still not working. She pulls out and asks if something’s wrong, her voice grates on my nerves. "No, keep suckin'."
I know what I gotta do. I think of the sexy little brunette with the two-toned eyes. In no time, I'm shooting my load into her mouth. I look down at her.
"Get the fuck up and get outta here." She stands and scurries away.
Over the next month, I’m with all the whores. I can't bring myself to fuck them, and I don't pleasure them, but I’ll have them suck my cock all day long. Every single time, I think of my Lil Mama. I think I’ve even called out her name a few times while I was at it. I thought it was done between us. Little did I know, at the end of the month she would come back, pregnant, and my whole life was about to change once again.
