Eternal

by London Saint James

  “Yes, he is very well, thank you,” Mackenzie returned.

  I smiled and settled in. Cayden watched as I crossed my ankles. “I would imagine you all have concerns so I would like to address some of them, if I may?”

  Cayden looked at me with assurance covering his perfect face. “There is nothing to address, Winter. Everything is all right.”

  I raised his intertwined hand with mine and pressed it to my lips. “You are trying to protect me, and it hurts you, so I am going to relinquish the need to protect me.”

  Immediately his face was pained. “No,” he whispered.

  I turned toward the others in the room, resting my gaze on Mackenzie and Steve.

  “I understand your concerns for Cayden’s career. They are my same concerns as well. Cayden does have an image to protect and one which is necessary in order to maintain his level of appeal. I also know I am not ideal for his image—”

  “Please, stop, Winter. You know you are more important to me than my image or my career.” Cayden’s voice was broken. His eyes held onto a pain that I knew because my eyes held the same ancient pain.

  I smiled at him, brushed his hand to my lips once more and continued.

  “I am fifteen years older than Cayden,” I admitted. “And I was engaged to someone who was on the same career path as Cayden, being signed by your studio to film the movie Longing. Austin was killed sixteen years ago, so his path stopped. Cayden has continued Austin’s path. There are things in which I cannot explain to you, but I can tell you I love Cayden beyond all rational thought. He is my soul, so I cannot allow Cayden to ruin his life for me. I know and have known for quite some time how this relationship must look to the outside world. I also know the kind of world we live in, and I know what world Cayden lives in. Trust me; I do understand I do not belong in his world.”

  Cayden looked at me, his face hurt and broken. “Winter, my love, don’t do this.”

  I pulled Cayden’s hand onto my lap continuing with what I must do. I briefly glanced at Chandler and Zander. They both looked upset. Chandler peered down at the ground, away from me. He was shaking his leg and foot. He was anxious. My attention returned to Mackenzie and Steve.

  “There are things in which I have done, things in which I allowed myself to become, in order to be with Cayden. Perhaps now it is time to tell you there are things in which I am not willing to do. I am not willing to allow Cayden to leave a career which he has worked so hard for. I am not willing to watch him walk away from his obligations, nor am I willing to be the reason he would be involved with a power struggle and litigation between your studio and him. I am not willing to live a lie any longer, so I am not willing to make Cayden lie any longer. I am not willing to close my eyes to the reality or to the pain of this situation. I am not willing to put Cayden in danger by my past. I am not willing to allow people to threaten him or try to hurt him because of me. I am not willing to allow Cayden to put himself through pain trying to protect me. So you need to know I will no longer be what I am not willing to do.”

  I shifted back toward Cayden. He was gripping my hand so tightly it actually hurt. I needed to make Cayden’s fears for me into my own in order to reach him. To protect him I had to leave, but he would not let me leave to protect himself. He couldn’t know about the baby. As wrong as it may be, if he knew, he’d never let me go. The bottom line, the most important thing, Cayden’s life. His safety. If Cayden believed I needed to do this for me, he would hurt himself to release me.

  “Winter, don’t, I love you,” he said.

  I love you, three little words that hold such power. They have the power to restrain and the power to set us free. Words that bind our hearts with joy or break a heart apart. I was going to use this power, his love for me and break Cayden’s heart. I pushed back the lump in my throat and steeled myself for the coming pain, somehow finding the will to continue.

  “Cayden, I always predicted my heart would not survive you. I love you, but I cannot do this. I cannot live with the press, the spotlight. I cannot live in the constant state of flux trying to balance a normal life in the not so normal world in which you live. It is impossible to find the balance, the normalcy here. I once lived a quiet life, now I am followed. I am watched. I cannot live in fear. Your life is not good for me, Cayden. I cannot allow myself to be this woman, trapped behind closed doors.” I paused, closed my eyes and knew I had to ask him to give me what I wanted. “Please, Cayden, if you love me, you will let me go.”

  He grabbed me up. Clutched me to his chest. “Winter, I can’t live without you. Please do not do this. Please baby, don’t walk away, stay with me,” he whispered.

  “We always knew the impossibility. We just didn’t want to accept it so we fought against the inevitable. I cannot fight any longer, Cayden. I do not have the strength. Allow me to live with the knowledge you are living in the world you belong in. Please don’t keep me trapped in a world which has never been my own. I cannot live this life with you. I was never supposed to be here. It was never who I was or who I am. Allow me to live free from the restraints of your world, Cayden. Let me go,” I whispered.

  His body gave as if the strength within him was leaving. I heard the beating of his heart slow in this moment. He combed his hand through my hair. Kissed my neck, allowing his mouth to linger for one whisper in time. I opened my eyes. My fingers traced the nape of his neck. I held onto this feeling, fusing his touch into my soul. Then all too soon, Cayden released me from his arms, as I knew he would. I gazed into his clear blue-gray eyes filled with such pain that it was torment in my soul. I was dying and knew the feeling well. To see Cayden this way tore and slashed open the past wounds of my heart and made new fresh wounds of their own.

  I hope someday you can forgive me. I love you, Cayden.

  I raised my hand to my face and wiped away the tears that were flowing down my cheek. I kissed Cayden’s lips softly. This would be the last time I felt them on mine. I stood to my feet, pulled his ring off my finger, laid my future into the palm of his hand, and walked away from my very soul.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Broken

  I wasn’t there when the Carlyles told Cayden about his paternity, something I regret. I should have been with him, but when Mrs. Carlyle called and told me about the meeting, and that Cayden handled the news well, I was relieved he finally knew. When she added how destroyed Cayden was over my departure, I changed the subject; nonetheless I was glad to hear the Carlyle’s were planning to get together with him again, soon. He needed them. All I could do was remind myself Dane wanted to harm Cayden over me, and I must keep Cayden safe. I lived with the knowledge Cayden lived and for that I would continue without him, somehow.

  The coming weeks were beyond painful. It was almost but not quite like the death of my life I’d experienced sixteen years ago. I needed to give the press a story that would be believable plus protect Cayden by setting him free from them as well. I would not haunt Cayden through the press so our story, our connection, had to die. I gave my first and my last press conference while in New York, saying Chandler and I were no longer engaged and announced I would be going back to my life as a writer of novels.

  “Winter, can you tell us what has happened to make this announcement today?”

  “Yes. First let me say Chandler Cain is a wonderful man. Any woman would be lucky to have him. We just decided we were not right for each other. It was no one’s fault. Sometimes people get swept up in the idea of each other than realize the idea and the reality are not the same. The split was a mutual decision. There is nothing but great admiration for Chandler on my part.”

  The room was a buzz of sounds, cameras clicking….

  “Ms. Wells, can you tell us what your plans are now?”

  “I intend to do what I have always done, and that is write. Writing is my passion. I could never give up my current career path. And for the record, there is really no need to call me Ms. Wells. You can call me Winter,” I added.

  The press
staff chuckled in unison.

  When questions were raised about Cayden and our possible affair, I assured the press there was never an affair, wishing Cayden all the best with his future and his career. When the press brought up the similarities between Cayden and Austin, I agreed the resemblance was shocking but assured the press Cayden Cain was not Austin Carlyle so there was never a story or connection between Cayden and I.

  “Winter, will you tell us if there was ever anything between you and Cayden and was that the real reason for the split between you and his brother Chandler Cain?”

  “Cayden is an amazing man. I would be one of the luckiest women in the world to have had an affair with him, as I am sure the many females watching this interview would agree. But I can tell you there was never an affair. I am not the type of woman who would cheat. Further, you are giving me much more credit than I deserve. I am flattered you would consider me worthy enough of Cayden’s attention. However I doubt Cayden Cain who is young, beautiful, and could have any women he wanted, would want to have an affair with me. I’m not so young anymore.” I smiled. “So I hope this story will drop and I wish Cayden all my best wishes for his continuing career.”

  “Winter, I am Shane Rogers from People Magazine.”

  “Nice to meet you, Shane,” I replied.

  “Likewise,” Shane said with a chuckle. “As I am sure you know we were all stunned with the news of your past engagement to Mr. Austin Carlyle and let me give you my condolences for your loss.”

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “As you know the similarities physically between Austin and Cayden are quite remarkable, can you comment on that?”

  “I would agree the physical similarities are quite amazing. No one can argue that point. And the fact they both chose similar career paths is also amazing. But in life we sometimes find interesting and similar things in which we cannot fully explain. This would be one of those times I am sure. But I do feel it is important to see Cayden for who he is, and Austin for who he was. Austin Carlyle was an extraordinary man who died sixteen years ago, something that is still hard for me to talk about. Cayden Cain is alive and well. They are two separate and distinct people. I loved and still love Austin with all of my heart, so in that you should have your answer.”

  When I was asked about Dane, I explained I had not seen him in years so I didn’t know he was infatuated with me or with Cayden. I assured them Dane had no reason to peruse any type of vendetta against Cayden, declaring he was mistaken by the possibility of a relationship that never happened. After the press informed me Dane would be spending some time in a mental hospital I was relieved, only saying it was my hope Dane could receive the type of help he requires.

  “Ms. Wells, Rich from the Globe. Can you tell us what the connection is between you and Dane Segal?”

  “Yes. I worked for Dane many years ago. He was my manager at a restaurant in which I worked as a waitress when I was still attending college here in New York. I had not seen or heard from Dane in years so I was very shocked to know he was infatuated with me and the so-called affair I was having with Cayden Cain. Since there was never an affair, I would hope Dane would drop whatever vendetta he may have against Cayden and seek the help he must desperately need.”

  Rich asked, “Is there anything you would like to say to Mr. Segal if he is watching this press conference?”

  I looked into the cameras and spoke. “Dane, I am sorry for your suffering, but you need to know there is no reason for your hatred of Cayden Cain. Cayden and I are not together. I hope you will realize you need some help. Please Dane, for your sake, find the help you need.”

  After the press conference, I made one visit to the Carlyles. I told them about the baby and asked for their confidence in keeping yet another one of my secrets. They stated they would do anything to ensure my happiness yet wondered if I were making the correct decision. For Cayden’s safety, I assured them I was.

  Doctor Carlyle took a hold of my hand; pain in his eyes was evident. “Winter love, are you sure about this? I know Cayden loves you. I know he will love this baby.”

  I closed my eyes and could see Cayden’s beautiful face. I had to do something to protect him. I had no choice.

  “Doctor Carlyle, you and Mrs. Carlyle know how hard this decision has been for me. You both understand firsthand the pain we all suffered and still suffer with the loss of Austin.”

  “Yes,” Judith replied.

  “If I could have done something to save Austin, I would have done it. If my leaving would have saved his life, I would have hurt myself and left in order to allow him to live. Dane believes Cayden is Austin. He wants to hurt Cayden in order to save me. I cannot allow Dane to go after Cayden. So you see, if I can do something to ensure Cayden’s life I have no choice but to do it. If he knew about the baby, he wouldn’t let me go. If I stay, I place him in danger. I have to leave Cayden. I have no choice but to allow him to live.”

  “I understand,” Doctor Carlyle said. And I knew he did.

  ****

  Jayden was with me until I boarded the plane for Colorado. He stayed by my side as he had always done. I heard the overhead speaker sound. “Flight ten nineteen bound for DenverInternationalAirport will be boarding now at gate ten.” I turned, reached up on my tiptoes, and hugged Jayden’s neck. He was ridged but stiffly hugged me back.

  “Goodbye, Jayden. Remember your promise to me. Take care of yourself and please take care of my heart. I cannot live without him.”

  “Winter, it has truly been an honor to know you. Keep yourself out of trouble.” Jayden smiled. I was honored to see him smile for the second time since meeting him. Jayden stood stiff again, arms at his side. “I will keep my promise to you. Cayden will be safe.”

  “Thank you,” I said. I dragged myself forward. Once again, I found I was placing one foot in front of the other until I found myself moving.

  ****

  I made one last visit. It was to see my mother. I had to let her know of my decision along with my current plans to leave Colorado. She urged me to reconsider and asked me to come home. I hugged her, cried, and told her I had to find my life again, start over.

  “And the baby?” my mother asked. “What about Cayden?”

  “I have to do this, Mom. Someday, I will tell him about his child but not now. I have to keep him safe from Dane and the press. Dane wants to hurt him over me, and the press coverage could harm his career, not to mention what he would do to try and protect me and the baby. I have to safeguard him, and this is the only way I know how. I hope, in time, he can forgive me. But everything I’m doing is for him.”

  ****

  In April, I put my home up for sale. I stood in my front lawn, adjusting the for sale sign when I watched a dark black Jaguar pull into the drive. The driver’s side door opened, music blaring. I heard the purr of the engine stop, the music stop, and saw him exit the car. He wore a perfect black Versace suit, black Italian loafers, and walked rather casually with both hands in his pant pockets.

  “Chandler! What are you doing here?”

  Chandler smiled, the familiar crinkles aligning the outline of his jade green eyes. “Snowflake,” he greeted.

  “Nice car,” I commented as I pulled my hair up off my neck in a twist.

  “Rental,” he replied, looking at me then at the sign in my yard. “So you really are moving I see.”

  “Yes, but….”

  “Let’s talk,” he said. He took a hold of my hand. He was quiet for a moment as we walked down the gravel-lined drive. “Winter.” He pulled my hand up to his chest patted it and let it go. “My brother does not know I am here.”

  “Okay.”

  “I was hoping I could convince you to come back with me. Cayden is….”

  “Is he all right? No one has tried to hurt him, have they?”

  “No, he is safe but he’s not the same. Frankly, I am worried about him, Winter. I have never seen him this shattered. He loves you, and he needs you but he won’t come after you
because you asked him to let you go. He believed you needed to go. He believed you had to leave, because you could not handle his life, the stress, the pressure, the spotlight. He believed you. Cayden has always believed his life was not good for you so when you confirmed it…well, he broke, Winter.”

  Chandler reached out and brushed away a tear that fell down my cheek. The gesture reminded me of his brother.

  “You knew my brother feared his life would harm you, didn’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “He told me it was never fair to you, what he did. He believed he kept you locked up behind closed doors, altering your life because he was so selfish. Cayden believes you are safer, better off without him.”

  I sobbed. We came to a stop in our walk. “Chandler, I love your brother but I cannot….” I broke down unable to finish speaking. Chandler tugged me into his arms. He hugged me.

  “Please, Winter, I know why you left. I know you left thinking you were going to be able to do something about Dane. I know you are terrified of someone hurting Cayden. I know why but please reconsider coming back. We can handle things with Dane.”

  “Chandler, Dane wants to hurt Cayden over me. The thought of this is beyond terrifying and you know why. You know firsthand about loss, how it alters our existence. Everything I ever feared came crashing down around me when I heard Dane wanted to harm Cayden. While it has killed me to walk away, it would actually kill me to lose Cayden because someone hurt him over me. I am trying to protect Cayden the only way I know how. I cannot lose Cayden that way. I could not survive a second time, not a second time.”

  “I know,” Chandler said, quietly.

  “No, Chandler you don’t. If it wasn’t for me, Austin may have lived.”

  “What? Why do you think that?”

  “Like Cayden, he always tried to protect me. That night, the night of the crash, Austin threw his arms out, trying to shield my body, trying to protect me from harm. If he would have let me go, kept his hands on the wheel, maybe things could have been different. Maybe….”