I took a deep breath through the pain her words brought. It hurt to even consider what her words meant. More than anything I wanted to avoid the ‘I told you so’ my mind whispered to my heart. Greyson was watching me as always, searching my face and studying my expression as if reading some captivating novel. I blinked and glanced down. Clearing my throat I managed weak smile.
“How was your weekend?” I tried cheerily as I walked past him into his room which smelled like the girl, Alison. Her perfume lingered everywhere, suffocating me, reminding me that I was replaceable, like I already had told myself but couldn’t manage to believe.
“Uh…good.” Greyson walked in behind me and I turned. He was rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, giving me a hesitant expression that reminded me of a puppy caught doing something wrong.
“I’m glad. Let’s take your vitals.” I pulled off my stethoscope and logged into my iPad.
He walked over to the couch and sat down, extending his arm and watching me. His gaze was like a physical touch, boring through me with heat and unasked, unanswered questions.
I placed my fingers on his wrist; feeling his heat sear my skin, scald my heart.
“You’re heartbeat is a little quick, but nothing to worry about.” His heart was pounding like he had just run a marathon, quick and powerful. I tried to downplay it, but when I glanced up, I saw he wasn’t believing me. He knew his heart was racing hard. And why.
Pushing aside my morbid curiosity, I moved on to blood pressure and everything else, only speaking to him when necessary and avoiding his gaze at all costs. Just being with him was intoxicating, and as his visitor’s perfume began to fade from the room I began to smell him, his cologne and the spicy mix of masculinity that peppered the cologne’s fragrance. My own heart was beating quickly, forcefully and I just wanted to leave. By all appearances, he had spent the weekend with the beautiful woman, Alison.
Kisses to him probably meant nothing, less than nothing. Nowhere near what they meant to me. And thinking of them together only added to the stabbing pain in my heart. I had, however reluctantly, given him something that I hadn’t shared with many people. I refused to think that kissing was probably the least of what had taken place. Yet my heart whispered the words even as I tried to ignore them. Kissing was one thing — sex, completely another.
I shook my head to clear it and refocused my attention on entering his vitals into my iPad. When I finished, I glanced up. “Is there anything else? Any further concerns or questions you want me to note for the doctor?” I asked, keeping my voice calm and unaffected even if his gaze made me want to cry.
“Nothing that I want to discuss with the doctor.” A self-incriminating smirk tipped his lips and he stood, stuffing his hands in his jeans. He looked unsure, completely out his element, which was strange, unlike him. I furrowed my brow but nodded.
“Okay. Thanks. I’ll be back later to check on you.” I offered him a polite smile and turned to leave. I made it three steps. I counted.
“Sophia…” Greyson practically shouted. The sound of his tennis shoes taking a few steps kicked my heart into high gear, even as it tightened at bit at the way his voice caressed my name. “Sophia,” he whispered, caressing the word with his tone. I closed my eyes, knowing I shouldn’t let it affect me that way. He didn’t care. He’d been with another woman all weekend! He hadn’t been thinking about me at all, not like I had been thinking about him. I took a deep breath.
“Yes?” I turned, using all my self-control to keep an open and polite expression.
“It’s not… Alison didn’t… it—” He started. “It’s not—”
The door opened and I jumped. Turning I saw Dr. Solomon walk in, his head down and studying his iPad. I exhaled a deep breath of relief and took a step back.
“Hello, Greyson, Miss Holton,” Dr. Solomon mumbled and then glanced up, grinning.
I nodded and took another step back, farther away from Greyson. His eyes watched me with a mix of desperation and hurt as I edged away.
“Greyson, today you’ve got an appointment with Dr. Remington, the counselor. This is your final phase of detox. Soon you’ll be home free.” Dr. Solomon said encouragingly.
“Good news, I guess.” Greyson smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He glanced back to me.
“If you’ll excuse me,” I said to Dr. Solomon, and then glanced to Greyson.
His gray eyes sharpened their gaze as he studied me. He knew I was running.
“Of course. Oh, Miss Holton?” Dr. Solomon called to me and I paused.
My steps faltered. “Yes?”
“It’s good to have you back.” He took a step closer to me and lowered his voice “Can you meet up with me later? I have a question for you. Perhaps at lunch?” His bright blue eyes sparkled, offering me a brief reprieve from Greyson’s stormy gaze. I relaxed.
“Of course.” I left, feeling Greyson’s gaze burn through my back as I did.
****
The day went by in slow motion. By the time lunch arrived, I was famished and emotionally drained. All I wanted was to go home. But with half the day left, it seemed like forever until I’d get my wish. I eyed the food at the cafeteria warily, and finally selected a hamburger and salad, knowing fries would just sit in my gut with all the stress I was putting myself through.
I sat down at an empty table and prayed quietly. As I lifted the burger to take a bite a shadow fell over my tray.
“Miss Holton, perfect. May I sit?” Dr. Solomon asked kindly. I gestured to the chair and chewed my food quickly so I could speak.
“Did you have a pleasant few days off?” he asked as he arranged his own food.
I swallowed and nodded again, licking my lips.
“Yeah. My roommate and I had a pretty relaxing time.” Which was true, I just didn’t want to disclose why I needed a relaxing time.
“Wonderful! I did too. I hit the beach and surfed for a while on Saturday then went stargazing. Do you like stargazing, Miss Holton?” He pierced me with a stunning blue gaze before he glanced down to pick up a french fry.
“I actually can’t say I’ve ever been stargazing,” I answered honestly.
“Maybe sometime I’ll show you, if you’d like.” His gaze was directed back to me, full of promise and hope, yet it did nothing for my heart to lift it from its current state.
“We’ll see.” I lifted a shoulder, not wanting to commit but also not wanting to read too much into his offer. It wasn’t like he was asking me out… was he? Was that even allowed?
“Next time I go I’ll let you know. Maybe you can make it.” He grinned and began eating.
We spent the rest of the lunch hour in quiet, polite conversation. It was a great distraction and kept me from thinking about where I needed to go after lunch.
When I had dumped my tray and I waved goodbye to Dr. Solomon, I remembered that he had needed to ask me a question. I slapped my tray down on the top of the trash can and rushed after him.
“Dr. Solomon?” I called, jogging to catch up.
“Yes?” He turned, an open expression on his face.
“You said you had a question for me, earlier. Was there something I could help you with?”
“Oh! Actually…” His tanned skin took on a reddish hue, as if embarrassed, or maybe it was just sunburn that I hadn’t notice before. “I already asked you, it was about stargazing. Nothing too important. I was just thinking of you when I was out there the other night and wanted to ask you… that’s all.”
But all at once I was hesitant, unsure, and uncomfortable. “Oh, okay. I just wanted to make sure.” I gave him a smile and then waved goodbye. As I walked away, I scolded myself for my stupid heart. Here I had one guy who was so wrong for me, but I was unable to pull myself away, unwilling to detach myself from falling deeper even when I knew I was falling alone. On the other side, I had a great guy, a doctor even, who had spent his life helping people, serving them and who had the perfect smile. Yet could I muster even warm reaction to him? No
! But my body burned whenever I was around Greyson. It was messed up, and I was in the middle of the disaster, not knowing when or if I would ever get out in one piece.
I knocked on Greyson’s door, but he didn’t answer. I tried again and then pushed it open. The room had been freshly cleaned and the bed was perfectly made. Greyson was nowhere to be seen. I logged into my iPad and noticed I had stopped in at the same time he was scheduled for his counseling session, something I had missed earlier in my haste to get away. I took a deep breath of release and then turned to leave.
I made my other rounds, all the while knowing that I had to face Greyson soon, and this time there would be no Dr. Solomon to interrupt. As the end of my shift approached and I had finished every last possible thing to procrastinate and keep from visiting Greyson, I reluctantly walked to his room. I knocked.
He opened the door before I finished a second tap. Greyson stood with his shoulders back, fierce determination lighting up his silver gaze. I swallowed, willing my heart to stop racing at the sight of him.
“Sophia.” He said my name that way again. As if he was caressing it with the softest silk, or whispering about a sunset’s beauty.
“Hi, Greyson,” I managed, my but tone was deeper than usual, betraying my own emotions when all I wanted them to do was hide.
He stepped aside and I walked in, the sound of my own heartbeat pounding in my ears.
“How was your counseling session? Dr. Remington is very well known for his assistance in cases like yours.” I folded my hands in front of me after I set the iPad down on the table.
Greyson walked toward me, his gaze shrewdly taking in my posture, then roaming my face as if he hadn’t seen it in years and had been waiting impatiently for that long to see it.
“Good, it went well. I… have a lot to learn.” He relaxed slightly as his shoulders lost their rigid posture and his jaw softened.
“We all do,” I agreed, relaxing a bit myself.
Greyson shifted his weight from one foot another. He closed his eyes for a moment as if debating in his mind over a huge dilemma. As much as I hurt, as much as I wanted to erase my feelings for him, in that moment all I wanted to do was soothe away his pain, give him peace and take away whatever was burdening him.
“I think… No. I know I owe you an apology, Sophia.” Greyson’s eyes flashed open and he pierced me with a direct gaze.
“Greyson—” I shook my head, not wanting to get into it, wanting to avoid this conversation at all costs. I wanted to forget the pain, forget the pleasure, erase it all from my memory but I knew that was impossible.
“No, please…” His gaze haunted me, pleading.
Unable to glance away I stood transfixed, holding my breath as he glanced down and took another step forward.
“I owe you an apology, but not for what you’re thinking.” The words were softly spoken but with a steely determination giving them a fierce edge.
I swallowed as he took another step toward me. “Oh?” I managed.
“First, you need to know that Alison — she didn’t stay with me this weekend.” He lowered his tone, speaking her name with a harsh tone that surprised me.
“Greyson, you don’t need to tell me any—”
“Yes I do. It… it might not be important to you, but it is to me… that you know. I didn’t sleep with her, I didn’t kiss her, I didn’t so much as touch her in any way.” His gaze was powerful, fiery, as if willing me to believe him.
“Okay.” I shrugged, my insides still in knots. I didn’t think he’d lie to me, but…
“I know you have little reason to trust me, believe that I’m telling you the truth.”
I lifted a shoulder and gave him a sad smile. He was right.
“It is the truth. But that’s not what I need to apologize for. I just wanted you to know what really happened when it looked… otherwise.” He rubbed the back of his neck and turned away, glancing to the large picture windows.
I wanted to ask who she was, why she was there in the first place, or why she’d imply that she had been with him all weekend. But as the words bubbled up to my tongue, I pressed my lips together, unwilling to speak them. I was trying to distance myself, at least emotionally. Asking questions like that would only betray how deep my feelings had grown. I didn’t want that.
I waited. My body humming with tension as I sensed a shift, an anticipation for something I wasn’t sure I was ready for.
“I’m sorry, because I… Sophia…” He turned back to me and implored me with his eyes. “Because I want… you. And I’m nowhere near deserving, and I only proved that when I saw a moment of weakness in your strength and took full advantage. I’m not sorry I kissed you, not in the slightest.” He shook his head but never let his gaze wander from mine. “But I wasn’t patient. I only thought of myself and put you in a bad position. For that I’m sorry. And… I wish I were… more.” He shook his head and turned toward the window, cursing in a whisper that I almost didn’t hear.
“More?” I asked, a catch in my breath.
“Much more. You deserve more than me. I’m broken, Sophia, and I don’t know how to fix my damn self. I’m taking all the right steps but you know… it just doesn’t seem…”
“Enough?” I finished. My heart was pounding.
“Yeah, enough. And I’m afraid nothing ever will be… then where will I be? You know?” He glanced back to me. “It’s… humbling, and I’m not accustomed to that type of feeling.” He shrugged a shoulder and gave me a lop-sided grin that didn’t reach his piercing gray gaze.
“What if… what if you’re not made to do it on your own… were never meant to?” I said, struggling to keep the hesitation out of my tone.
“Then I’d say that would make a hell of a lot of sense.” He shook his head. “But then it’s even more hopeless than I originally thought.”
“What if… Greyson…what do you know about love?”
“Love?” He turned toward me, clearly not expecting the direction of my question.
I swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, love. Not, um, physical love but unconditional love, sacrificial love, the kind that is self-less rather than selfish.”
He gave a humorless laugh. “Not much. You learn real young that most people are only interested in how you’ll benefit them, how they can exploit you when you are born into money. My own father did the same thing. I don’t know anything about that type of love.” He shook his head almost angrily.
“I see… It’s rare. But what if you already had it and didn’t know? What if you had always had it but were never told about it?” I took a step closer to him.
“Then I’d say whoever loved me like that had a pretty shitty way of showing it.” He raised an eyebrow.
“What if you never were taught how to look?”
“Huh? What do you mean? Seriously, Sophia, I’m really lost here.” He turned toward me fully and exhaled a frustrated breath.
“God is always there, Greyson. His love is unchanging, unwavering in spite of all your faults, my faults, and the depth of our brokenness. It’s not daunting to Him, or frustrating… our inadequacies. Rather He takes us when we are broken, and lovingly gives us the strength to grow through it and heal. We can’t heal ourselves, we can try but in the end, it’s like you said, it’s not enough.”
“I don’t want to offend you, Sophia, but I’m… not so sure about that. First, it seems too easy and if it were easy, then more people would do it. You know? Second, just because you believe something, doesn’t make it real. It’s a great idea, but practically? It’s not feasible, not concrete. I mean, what’s in it for God?” He shrugged in a relaxed manner but his expression was still focused, intense as if he really wanted a solid answer to prove him wrong.
It was a struggle to find an answer, one that would make sense. Thought it hurt for him to easily dismiss what I was trying to say, I reminded myself that faith in anything was a huge step for anyone. With a deep breath I began to explain, praying my words made some sense because I
felt over my head.
“When you love someone, love something, that means that it has value to you, you desire it. That’s how God feels about us. About you. He doesn’t want you to fight the monster of your addiction on your own, he wants to be your strength. That is love. That is what’s in it for God. You, Greyson.”
He waited, studying me. “You really believe that, don’t you?” he asked after a moment.
“Yes.” I had never felt more confident in my own convictions.
“Then maybe someday I will too… I appreciate you telling me, opening up. I just… can’t.” His gaze went to the window.
“I guess that answers your second question,” I said softly.
“Hmm?” He twisted to me again, confusion painted across his face.
“You said that if it were that easy, then more people to would do it. It’s not easy. But nothing worthwhile ever is, Greyson. All things of worth take time, patience, determination, and love. Persistence and gratitude. Nothing worth having comes without a price.”
He didn’t answer for a moment, but gazed off to the right and chewed his lower lip, as if processing my words. “You’re right,” he whispered softly, his expression unsure and almost sad.
After waiting a moment I released the breath I just realized I was holding. I began to walk away from Greyson, knowing he needed time to think. After collecting my ipad I headed for the door.
“Sophia?” Greyson called and I glanced back.
He was jogging toward me.
“Yes?” I tried to mute my physical reaction to the way his lithe body moved across the shrinking expanse between us.
“I want to do this right, you deserve for me to do it right,” he whispered the words but his voice was clear.
“Do what right?” I asked breathlessly as he inched closer. Inhaling the masculine spicy scent that belonged only to him, I felt myself sway forward, greedy for more.
“I want you, Sophia. I’m not sure how to do this the right way but I’m sure as hell going to try. I just thought it was… fair to let you know.” He reached down and grasped my hand with his warm one, rubbing his thumb over my wrist and sending delightful shivers up my arm and down the rest of my body.
Beyond Broken Page 9