“You did do it. I’m so proud of you.”
She beamed for the first time in a long time. Pleasure shone on her face, and he basked in the glory of it. The words she spoke next made up for everything he’d been through with her. “Ya know what? I’m proud of me too.”
Chapter Five
“Meredith, it’s been a week since our last session. How have things been going?”
She looked at the doctor, avoiding her eyes. This was supposed to be helping her, but it would never help her if she didn’t come clean. That was something she realized now more than ever. Especially after the events of the last seven days. She took a deep breath and began talking to Doctor Jones.
“I’ve had an interesting week. I finally went out and about with someone besides Tyler and it was a complete disaster.”
“Why was that?”
“Denise took me to the grocery. Well, the grocery also has Halloween costumes for sale. I nearly had a panic attack because of the number of people in the store. Then at the checkout, some guy bumped into me. I looked behind me, and he was dressed exactly like my attacker was. He was so excited that his Halloween costume scared me, and I took off running. It brought back everything and I damn near passed out in the parking lot. I also had another nightmare that night.”
Doctor Jones took in the paleness of her face and the dark circles under her eyes. “Do you have nightmares a lot? That’s something you’ve never really been open about. You’ve mentioned it once, and I told you that you weren’t ready to get over whatever was bothering you, but if you’re having them every night there may be an issue.”
“I have them every night. Tyler wakes me up and tries to calm me down. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.”
“What happens in your nightmares?”
The room began to close in on Meredith, but she knew that she had to get this out. The collar of her shirt felt tight, and she reached up to pull it away from her neck. “I re-live the attack. Sometimes it’s just parts of it. Sometimes it’s the whole thing. There’s one thing that gets me every time. He threw a dollar bill on me afterwards. He said it was for ‘services rendered’. That’s usually where it ends.”
Doctor Jones’ face paled. In her experience, something that crass – it was personal and it caused fear to clench her stomach for her patient.
“How do you feel when Tyler wakes you up and it’s over?”
She hated when Doctor Jones asked her redundant questions like this, but knew she was only trying to get to the bottom of her feelings. “I used to feel so sad, like I could completely breakdown and just curl in a ball and die. Now I feel angry. There’s a part of me that wants to find this guy and throw a dollar bill on him. Then there’s the part of me that’s scared shitless of doing it.”
“Anger is good, that means you’ve moving on in the grief stage.”
“That’s what Tyler said,” she chuckled. “I guess I should also report that I asked Tyler to teach me how to shoot a gun.”
“How did he react to that?” Doctor Jones smiled.
“He took me out to the shooting range and taught me gun safety and how to shoot. I did it and actually hit the target after a little practice. That’s the first time I’ve been proud of myself in a long time. I should also mention, I had a reaction to Tyler.” She said the last part softly.
“Okay, first of all, let me say I’m proud of you. You decided you were ready to take your safety into your own hands and you did something about it. I would caution you to not go all vigilante, be sure and keep your anger under control. Save it for the shooting range.”
Meredith completely understood where the older woman was coming from and greatly appreciated the warning. “I understand,” she nodded.
“Now, about your reaction to Tyler. Define reaction.”
This made her very uncomfortable. Even before she had been attacked, her sexuality wasn’t blatant. She was the type of person to read erotic romances on her e-reader, but balk when a boyfriend asked if he could smack her ass. She wanted it, but didn’t want to admit that she wanted it. It was always hard for her to tell someone what she wanted, even if that meant a lot of her desires were unfulfilled because she wasn’t vocal about it. Her parents hadn’t been the type to kiss or make sexual advances towards each other in front of her. It wasn’t until she’d moved out and gone to college that she’d noticed those things between couples. She crossed her legs and put her hands between her knees.
“This makes me very uncomfortable,” she openly admitted.
“It’s alright, it’s just us here. You know that whatever you say doesn’t go out these doors.”
“I know, but it’s hard for me to put into words what I’m feeling.”
Doctor Jones sat forward so that the two of them were eye to eye. “I’m not blowing smoke up your ass here, but let me be real honest with you. You’ve done a complete 180 since you started coming to these sessions. Do you remember the first one? You barely said five words to me. We’ve been patient with each other and now look at how much you’re opening up. It’s the same with anything in your life. You have to be patient. It will all come to you if you keep working on it. I have no doubt that you will achieve everything you want to, and I look forward to seeing it. If it takes you two hours to get through this, it’s fine. I’ve got time.”
That’s what she needed to hear. Feeling more empowered than she had in weeks, she took a deep breath and began. “I’m attracted to Tyler. I was way before that night, we had a flirtation with each other. It wasn’t anything huge, but it was obvious we liked each other. It seemed like fate that he found me the night of the attack. From the first moment I met him, I felt safe around him, even though he scared me with how large of a man he is.”
That was news to Dr. Jones. “He found you the night of the rape?”
“Yes,” she nodded. “He is the one who made me see a doctor, and he stayed with me until it was all over. That was the night he took me back to the clubhouse and began sleeping on the floor. He’s been doing it ever since.” A thought hit her out of nowhere, causing her to worry. “You don’t think I have misguided feelings for him because he is my knight in shining armor do you?”
It was obvious that the doctor thought this question over before she answered. “If you had just met him the night of the attack, then I would say yes. The fact remains that the two of you knew each other before this, and you admitted that you already had an attraction to him. I don’t think you have a hero complex.”
Meredith sighed with relief. “So we’ve been closer since I started staying at the clubhouse. I can’t bring myself to go home because I’m so scared that whoever did this to me will come back again. I let my lease go and put most of my stuff in storage. I’m pretty much living with him. There have been a few times when I’ve looked at him as a woman, but I’ve never been aroused. I can’t let myself go there.”
“But that changed recently?” The doc guessed.
“It did,” she nodded, bringing her arms up around her waist. “He took me out shooting, and I wasn’t getting my stance or hold of the gun completely right. He was so thoughtful, he asked before he came up behind me and then showed me how to do it with his own hands.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“At first I flinched, and I know he felt it because he got tense. His coming up behind me brought back some memories. But when his hands went around mine and his hard chest pressed against my back, all I could think of was him.” She closed her eyes and transported to that one moment in time. “He smelled so good, so masculine. The scent of his leather cut and the scent that is Tyler surrounded me, and it was like coming home. Then out of nowhere, I got turned on. I’m not sure whether he noticed or not, but my nipples got hard,” she whispered, embarrassed to be sharing this with someone else.
The older woman laughed. “That’s good, Meredith. It’s not a bad thing at all.”
“It was mortifying! I won’t let the man sleep in his own bed, but I
could have climbed him like a tree right at that moment,” laughter bubbled up in her throat, and in that instant she let go of all the tension that she’d held in her body. She doubled over, tears coming to her eyes as she giggled.
Doctor Jones joined her, so happy that she was having this breakthrough. “That’s a perfect description of Tyler, I think. He’s a tall man,” she acknowledged.
“That he is. I was so happy I had that reaction, but at the same time it made me so uncomfortable. It’s like my mind and body are constantly at war with one another. One part wants to move on, while the other part won’t let me. I know he is a major part of that. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for him. These mixed signals are going to piss him off sooner or later.”
“That’s fine and expected. Like I said, with patience you will get to where you need to be. You’ve already made tremendous strides already. You are moving right along in your progress, and I’m very happy about that.”
After the session, Meredith sat on the front porch of the doctor’s office, waiting for Tyler to come and get her. For the first time in a long time, it felt like she was breathing again. She could see the blue color of the sky, smell the coming of winter, and feel the breeze against her skin. As she heard the roar of a motorcycle, goose bumps popped up on her arms in anticipation of seeing Tyler again. When he rounded the curve of the driveway and came into sight, Meredith smiled and waved at him. Caught off guard, he waved back. Coming to a stop, he turned the motorcycle off and balanced it, waiting for her to hop on.
“Good session?” he inquired, handing over her helmet.
“Very good session.”
The heart stopping smile he gave her was her reward for the basket of emotions she’d felt while spilling her guts. She put her arms around him, holding tightly around his waist, and put her cheek up to the leather on his back.
She had never done this before, and it again caught Tyler off guard. Tentatively, he placed his gloved hand over hers where it was clasped around his waist and gave a squeeze. When she didn’t pull back, he smiled to himself. Her trust felt better than anything else ever had in his life and gave him hope as to their future. Giving it another squeeze, he let go and started the bike. Because he knew she liked it, he revved the engine and gunned it so that it took off with a jump. The sound of her laughter made it to his ears, and he grinned as they made their way down the road and back to the clubhouse. He wasn’t sure what had happened, but he was happy for it. Happier than he’d been in a very long time.
Chapter Six
“Oh my God, this is the grossest thing ever,” Meredith squealed, causing Tyler and Liam to laugh.
The group of them were in Liam’s kitchen, preparing to honor a time-tested tradition.
“I’d have to agree, and I’ve had children,” Denise squealed along with her, causing the guys to double over with laughter.
“You think it’s so funny, you two do it.”
Tyler sighed, taking pity on Meredith, and stood up from the kitchen table. He took off his cut and his shirt, obviously not wanting it to get dirty. Meredith’s mouth went dry as the Sahara as he walked over. Funny as it sounded, she’d never seen him without a shirt on before. He was very careful with his nakedness when it came to her. She gawked appreciatively. It was obvious he worked out, the man had what looked like an eight pack on his stomach, and his arm muscles bulged as well, veins showing in his forearms. While she had seen the tattoos on his forearms, she’d never seen the full sleeves or the ones that marked his back and chest. One in particular made her breath catch. It was an amazingly real looking dream catcher that obviously represented his Native American heritage.
“You want my help or not?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow. The slight smile on his face showed his amusement at her perusal of his body.
“Be my guest.” She stepped back, going over to the kitchen sink and washing her hands. “Carving pumpkins seemed like such a good idea.”
“Agreed,” Denise muttered, pulling her hand out of the middle of the pumpkin she’d cut the top off of. The slimy insides clung to her hand as she made a face and slung it onto a plastic bag they’d put on the counter. “But geez, this is so gross,” she shivered.
“Here, let me help you, baby.” Liam finally got up, amusement on his face.
“’Bout time.”
The two women had a seat at the kitchen table and watched as the men cleaned the guts of the pumpkins out. Tyler grinned as he scraped the side of it with the tool from the pumpkin carving kit.
“I’ve always wanted to do this, and it’s as nasty as I had hoped.”
His grin reminded Meredith of a little kid, opening a Christmas gift for the first time.
“You’ve never carved a pumpkin before?” she couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice.
“Never. It wasn’t really something that orphanages or foster parents took the time out to do,” he shrugged.
When he talked about things like that, her heart hurt. She could just imagine him as a small child, trying to have a normal childhood and being punished at every turn.
“Well, thanks to me, you’re getting to experience it. My dad always gutted the pumpkin for me, and now I can see why.”
He chuckled, grabbing another handful out and flinging it in Liam’s direction.
“Dude, that was uncalled for.” Liam dodged it, moving his hand out of the way as it splattered the side of his pumpkin. Even though he complained, Liam loved this. It was the show of camaraderie and family that he wanted to bring so badly to the forefront of their club. William, President of their club and father to Liam and Roni, would have bitched that they were being silly, but these were the moments he knew they all lived for when they did such dangerous things.
“Cut the shit. If you woulda thought about it first, you would have already put it in my hair.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Liam laughed.
“So what are we gonna do with this pumpkin, Ms. Rager?” Tyler asked as he sat next to her at the kitchen table.
She sat so that her knee touched his, awareness crawling up her body. The look in his eyes showed her that he felt it as well. “I dunno, I’ve always been kinda traditional and simple. Ya know, the triangles for the eyes and nose and some craziness for the mouth.”
“Well, we can do that, or you can let me do it,” his voice deepened as he looked at the pumpkin thoughtfully.
“Let him do it,” Liam advised.
“Why should I do that?” she asked, a bright smile on her face.
“Cause homeboy over there can draw and carve like you wouldn’t believe.”
A blush rose on Tyler’s cheeks and she looked at him, surprise on her face. “You can?”
“A little bit,” he shrugged.
Liam snorted. “Don’t let him fool you, he’s really modest about it. C’mere.” He crooked his finger, and she got up to follow him.
He led them through the house, staying a respectable distance away from her, aware that she was still jumpy around men. When they got to the living room, he pointed to a charcoal drawing that hung over a fireplace that had been carved into the wall. The scene depicted a Native American woman holding her child on the plains. Her long hair blew in the breeze and the sadness in her eyes radiated out to whomever looked at it. No detail went unnoticed as tears almost came to her eyes.
“He did that?”
Liam nodded. “Yeah, he’s really talented.”
The things she kept finding out about this man who was committed to helping her made it very hard to keep her feelings compartmentalized. He was so much more than he appeared to be, and she just hoped that she would be enough for him. She never wanted to disappoint him.
Hours later, the group sat out on the screened in back porch at Liam and Denise’s, admiring the pumpkins they’d carved. Meredith had taken Liam’s advice and given Tyler free rein. What he had done was creepy, yet beautiful. It looked like a scarier version of the grim reaper. The two women sat sipping wi
ne while the men nursed beers. Quiet conversation flowed easily between them.
“Are you going to dress up for the party?” Denise asked Meredith, when a lull in the conversation carried on for a few moments.
“The Halloween party? I dunno. After what happened the other day, I was thinking of totally skipping it.”
“Oh c’mon, you can’t skip it. We’ll have a rule that no ski masks or hoodies can be worn,” Denise told her.
“What happened the other day?” Tyler asked, his tone sharper than even he would have liked it to be. What had she not told him? When she held things back from him it pissed him off royally and he had to fight with himself to keep his temper in check. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for this woman, and the fact that she wasn’t truthful with her feelings flew all over him.
Meredith groaned. She hadn’t told him about this for a reason. She didn’t want him to get all bent out of shape. Plus, she’d never shared with him what the man who attacked her had worn. The only person she’d ever shared details with was her therapist, save for what she had to tell Ashley, the doctor who examined her afterwards.
“Sorry,” Denise mouthed.
“When we went grocery shopping, a kid was wearing a ski mask and a black hoodie. He was just trying out his Halloween costume, but it hit me the wrong way,” she tried to downplay the event.
“Because that’s what he wore?” he asked, his eyes flashing brightly. His mind worked overtime, absorbing this new bit of information she had inadvertently let leak. She didn’t know he went around at night or even during the day looking for men who gave him a feeling. Trying to see if he could find someone who would dare hurt his woman. He wanted revenge so badly his back teeth ached as he clenched them tightly together.
“Yes. Now I’d rather not talk about it anymore. That’s what my therapy sessions are for.”
For the first time, he dared argue with her. “I wish you’d tell me what happened. That way I could find him and cut his heart out. I know if you’d just give me a couple of clues, I could find the bastard. I could take care of it for you if you’d just fuckin’ trust me enough.”
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