Holding On To Heaven

by Melyssa Winchester

  Chapter Sixteen

  Graham

  Finally, I’m getting somewhere.

  There’d been a minute on the stairs where I didn't think I'd get through to her. Where I really believed I wouldn't get her to lower her walls and let me in again. I’m beyond thankful that I'd finally been able to get through because I wasn't sure what I would have done if she turned me away completely. I hadn't gotten that far in my plan.

  “Since she won't be back for at least an hour, you might as well sit on Emma's bed.” she said, motioning to the bed just off the wall closest to the door. If that bed is Emma's then that meant the one across the room is hers. Apparently her sense of style hasn't changed much since I'd known her given the lack of color. Her blanket is an off putting shade of green, something that belongs more on an army base then in a room like this. Standard white pillow cases sat on top of the blanket, by far the brightest part.

  Where there are posters on Emma's side, all running on top of each other with no space between them, it was the complete opposite for her. The lone movie poster the only remnants that anyone existed here at all.

  When she lived across from me and I'd been in her room, it didn’t much different than this, which meant she was still in flight mode. Never getting attached to one location. Always ready to move at a moment’s notice, which upset me. I hoped for more with her when she left. I thought she'd go away and experience life the way she was meant to. Not stay the way she’d been her entire life. I wanted more brightness, happiness and love for her. Not this.

  Never this.

  “Thanks.”

  “You said there were some things you wanted to say to me. So go ahead.”

  I’m at a loss. I hadn't exactly planned how much to tell her. It wasn't like I'd gone in knowing she would react like this and I'd have to fight for even five minutes of her time. I expected her to be put off by me, but witnessing actual fear from her, something we never had between us, made it so I have no idea where to begin.

  “Okay then, well I guess I want to tell you that I missed you.”

  Nodding at the words, she finally made her way over to her own bed and sat down. She’s putting distance between us already. What am I supposed to do with that?

  “Speak from the heart, Graham. That is what she wants. Tell her everything you feel. Do not hold anything back or she will sense it and she will remove you.”

  “Didn't you tell me just a few minutes ago to go easy with her? Telling her everything is not going easy.”

  “You are correct. I did say that, but you can see her just as I can. I think she needs to hear this now. It has been far too long. It may be the only way for you to remain with her.”

  He had a point. It has been far too long. The things I should’ve told her back then, need to be said. Not because I would be kicked out of her room, but because if I didn't say them, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I’m already regretting it and it hasn't been all that long.

  “Is that all you want to say?” she asked lightly, fiddling with her fingers, looking anywhere, but at me.

  “Do you remember when you told me about hearing the voices and being able to talk to them?” I ask, figuring that if I have to start anywhere, there’s no better place than that. It had been the moment she completely opened up to me and probably the moment I first realized I loved her. When she nodded, I continued.

  “You scared the shit out of me that day. I really thought everything you told me about being put away in the centre for those two and a half years was true. You really were crazy.” She locked eyes with me and I lifted a finger to fend off the attack I’m sure was coming my way. “Let me finish before you threaten to cut my balls off, princess.”

  “Fine.”

  “All it took was one look and I mean one real look to see that you weren't lying to me. What you told me was true, or at least you believed it to be true. If anyone else had told me that, I would have laughed myself right out of their life, but with you, it was the complete opposite. That's when it all started, at least for me.”

  “When w—what all started?” she stammered.

  “When I first realized that I liked you.”

  I stop myself, waiting for her reaction. If there’s any indication that she wasn't fully prepared to hear everything I had to say, I expect to see it now. When nothing came, I continued.

  “Do you remember the night of the party? The one you got drunk at?”

  “What about it?”

  “I was an idiot that night, but in my own defense I thought I was doing the right thing. Turns out, I've been bothered by it ever since. I'm not sure what I did was the right thing after all. I think I fucked things up. We were never the same after that.”

  I wanted her to say something. Anything that would give me some kind of idea what she was feeling. Watching her fiddling with her fingers and looking away from me the way she was, is eating me alive.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “That night, when you kissed me, I thought you did it because you were drinking. All I could focus on was getting you home before you did something you’d regret in the morning. I didn't want to be your regret, Serenity. My heart couldn’t handle it. Shit, it's been two years and my heart still can't handle the fact that we don’t talk anymore.”

  I’m getting to the heart of it now, just the way Gabriel told me. I’m giving her every bit of me. All the parts she hadn't seen back then. She affected me and I stupidly pushed her away instead of bringing her close. I didn't need an angel inside me to know that. I’ve known all along. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself until now.

  “I’m an idiot for never explaining to you that when you kissed me, it’s like you read my mind. That you did the one thing I had been dying to do for months. I lost my best friend because I couldn't handle the fact that she might have done what she did because she wanted me too.”

  “Okay.” she said, her voice starting off strong but fading off.

  Is this the point where she tells me I’m too late and doesn't want to hear anymore?

  “Come on, princess. You can't hear all that and not respond. You're driving me crazy here.”

  Against my better judgment I stand from Emma's bed and make my way over to her. Lowering myself to the floor on my knees, I look up into her eyes. I don't want to spook her, but not being able to gauge her reaction to my words was getting to me. Pulling her left hand away from her right and the consistent fidgeting that she maintained the entire time I spoke, I placed it into mine, wrapping my fingers around it.

  “Say something, Ser—please.”

  “What am I supposed to say Graham? It's been two years.” she replied weakly.

  “You say what you feel. You yell or scream at me. You can punch me. Anything you want to, just don't keep giving me the silent treatment. I need to know what you're thinking.”

  After a few seconds of silence she spoke again, this time the stammer gone and her voice crystal clear.

  “I was drunk that night, you're right. I'd never done anything like that before, but I liked the way it made me feel. It gave me courage that I didn't have normally. I may have been out of it, but I knew exactly what I was doing.”

  “So you—you’re saying you really did want to kiss me?”

  Sighing, she looks at me and I can see it again in her eyes. The truth. It’s dancing there, clear as day. She didn't have to say another word.

  “I thought I was the one that stammered. Since when do you do it?” her lips lift in the smallest of smiles and I couldn't help brightening at the sight. It’s been so long since I've seen her smile that I’m going to enjoy every second of it before it disappears again.

  “What can I say, you inspire me.”

  “Yeah, okay smart ass. To answer your question, yes Graham, I wanted to kiss you that night and for weeks beforehand. You were—” she say, breaking off.

  “I was what?”

  “You were different. You’ve always been differe
nt.”

  “You hear voices, talk to them daily, but I'm the different one?”

  She uses her free hand to smack my arm and I sigh. This right here, the banter between us, is what I missed most. I couldn't do this with anyone else and even if I could it would never feel the way it did with Serenity.

  “You didn't think it was so crazy when you started looking it up on the internet.”

  “I would have said or done anything back then if it meant spending more time with you. Doesn't matter how out of this world it sounded.”

  “Out of this world huh?”

  “Yeah. Back then it was for sure, but lately, I'm starting to think it might not be so crazy after all.”

  “What's that supposed to mean?”

  I was fully prepared to tell her about Gabriel and about how I had come to have an angel inside of me, but before I could form the words, I heard his voice and I immediately shut my mouth.

  “One revelation at a time, Graham. It is not the time, nor the place for this particular bit of information. Please refrain from telling her. In time that will be up to me.”

  “I don’t want to keep anything from her. Don't you think I can help her better if she knows everything?”

  “No. You will do nothing, but cause more damage with this revelation, so as I said, refrain from doing so. I will tell her when it's the appropriate time.”

  “Graham?”

  “Yeah, sorry. What did you say?”

  “I asked what you meant by what you said.”

  “Oh—umm, ya. “ I stammered, trying to come up with something that would make sense.  “I just meant that having the ability you have isn't really all that bad in comparison to what you could have. I mean, come on, you could be a vampire. Who the hell wants to be one of those things these days?”

  The minute she laughs I know I’ve redirected perfectly. While she might’ve wondered why I'd gone quiet when I focused on Gabriel, it wasn't as important to her now as it could have been. I had done as he asked. I only hope he didn't wait too long to tell her. I didn't enjoy keeping things from her. Especially something as big as this.

  As far as keeping things secret went, I’m pretty sure being a host for an angel ranked pretty high in the bad category. With things seemingly back on track with the two of us, the last thing I want to do is ruin it.

  “There is absolutely nothing wrong with glittering in the light, Graham, Fairies do it all the time and no one gives them shit.”

  “Yeah, but that’s because a fairy looks hot. A male vampire, umm—not so much.”

  As we both burst out laughing, she pulled on my hand and motioned to the bed beside her. Once I'd taken my place beside her, untangling her fingers from mine, I wrapped my arms around, pulling her into my body, a place I’d been dying to have her since the moment I saw her again.

  This is really happening. I’m here with her now and she’s in my arms. Just the way I always wanted her to be. There wasn't a damn thing that could happen now that could ruin this for me. It’s perfect.

  “I missed you, Graham Cracker.” she said and I can't help smiling at the old nickname. It really is beginning to feel like we picked up right where we left off. That the two years we spent apart hadn’t happened at all.

  “Graham, don't get too comfortable.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “There’s trouble. I sense it. It’s coming.”

  Before I could ask him what he meant, I heard the knock on the door. “What kind of trouble?”

  “The evil kind. Be prepared.”