Dial L for Loser

by Lisi Harrison

  Left arm, right arm, turn to the side and breathe. Left arm, right arm, turn to the side and breathe. Left arm, right arm, turn to the side and breathe. Left arm, right arm, turn to the side and breathe.…

  Bean was running along the edge of the pool, cheering her owner on until finally, Massie caught up. As she passed, she gave Alicia’s hair a quick tug, letting her know she was no longer in the lead.

  “Ouch!” Alicia shouted. She grabbed onto Massie’s foot and yanked her back.

  “Let go, cheater!” She kicked, doubling back and snapping the thick strap on Alicia’s one-piece.

  “Gawd, how desperate are you?” Alicia jumped on her back and held on tight.

  “Get off me, pumpkin eater!”

  “I am not a cheater!”

  “You are!” Massie tried spinning, hoping to shake Alicia off. But she was sticking to her like waterproof mascara.

  “I slipped.”

  “Well, slip on this!” Massie grabbed Conner’s silver raft and slammed it down on Alicia’s head until she lost her balance and fell off.

  Someone was clapping. “Looks like a tie to me.” Conner had two CF towels draped over his defined rotator cuffs.

  “Then who gets to go to the wrap party?” Alicia asked in a high-pitched squeak.

  “Both of you.” He smiled.

  Massie and Alicia glanced at each other and burst out laughing. And just like that they were BFFs again. But that didn’t mean Massie had to tell Alicia about the giant snot string dangling from her left nostril. Did it?

  Bean started barking again.

  “Sounds like the star-mappers are back.” Alicia climbed up the pool ladder and pulled one of the towels from Conner’s shoulder. She covered herself immediately.

  The actor quickly spritzed himself with Hawaiian Tropic SPF 2. “Conner better check it out.”

  The instant he was gone, Massie pinched her bikini bottoms and pulled them out of her butt crack. Much better!

  “Who’s thirsty?” Estelle appeared with three glasses of mango juice.

  The girls wasted no time lifting the tall glasses off her silver tray.

  “Thanks,” they said.

  “My pleasure.” She smiled. “I’m just so pleased my son has been hanging out with nice girls lately.”

  “Your son?” Alicia asked. “You mean you’re not his—”

  Massie cut her off. “Nice girls lately?”

  Estelle nodded. “His girlfriend, Abby, had dinner with us last night.”

  “Girlfriend?”

  “Apple-C!”

  “Oh yes.” Estelle dabbed her sweaty brow with a CF napkin. “They have been an item for almost three weeks. But they’re always bickering.” She quickly covered her mouth with her hand. “Ooopsie. You won’t tell, right? I mean, they’ve been trying so hard to keep it from the press.”

  “No need to worry about us, Estelle.” Massie tried to suppress her grin. “We never gossip.”

  “Never.” Alicia shook her head.

  “I knew you seemed like nice girls.”

  “Thank you.” Massie smiled. “We try.”

  GELDING STUDIOS

  LAKEVIEW MIDDLE SCHOOL SET

  DETENTION

  Monday, March 30th

  3:00 P.M.

  Conner’s mouth was so close to Claire’s face, she could feel his warm breath on her cheek.

  “There’s an attraction between us that can’t be denied.” He leaned a tiny bit closer.

  “Would you be saying that if I was still a nobody?” Claire looked him straight in the eye.

  “Of course I would,” he whispered. “True love doesn’t discriminate.”

  Claire’s pulse quickened. Her palms became clammy and her insides bunched up. This is it, she thought. He’s about to kiss me.

  All of a sudden she saw Cam’s face. His blue eye and green eye filled with tears as Conner inched toward her trembling lips. How could she cheat on him again? Kissing Josh was one thing, a reaction to the pain Claire had felt when she thought Cam left her for Alicia’s cousin Nina. But Conner Foley? The teen dream? Cam would never understand. Claire turned her head slightly to the side, to create a bit of space between their mouths while she thought this through.

  “Cut!” Rupert shouted.

  Massie and Alicia giggled, like they had every other time Rupert called “cut” because Claire messed up. She hated having them on set, especially during such an awkward scene. But they were Conner’s guests. And he’d insisted they stay.

  “Sweet-haht, what ah you doing?” Rupert paced the classroom set. He tried to sound patient, but to his credit, they had rehearsed the “first kiss” scene fourteen times, and Claire still wasn’t getting it.

  “Afta Brad says, ‘True love doesn’t discriminate,’ yoh supposed to lean in so he can kiss you. You cahn’t keep turning away.” He unwrapped a stick of Big Red and jammed it in his mouth. Then he crumpled the wrapper in his fist and whipped it onto the ground.

  “Sorry.” Claire lowered her head. Tears blurred her vision, making her Lakeview Middle School skirt look like a plaid puddle. She knew making out with a gorgeous actor wasn’t cheating if it was a scene in a movie. But still, it felt wrong.

  “We have to staht rolling soon.” Rupert ripped open four packets of sugar and dumped them in his tiny espresso cup. “So will you please focus?”

  Massie and Alicia giggled again. Claire shot them a dirty look, which made them giggle even more.

  “I’m ready!” Claire took a quick nibble out of her second-to-last gummy worm and forced it down her throat.

  “Very well.” Rupert sighed. “We’re gonnah try this again. Everyone back to one, let’s take it from ‘Theh’s an attraction.’” He cleared his throat. “And… action!”

  “There’s an attraction between us that can’t be denied.” Conner shifted in his seat to face her.

  Claire gazed into his olive-green eyes. “Would you be saying that if I was still a nobody?” She turned to meet him, their knees touching ever so slightly.

  “Of course I would,” he whispered. “True love doesn’t discriminate.”

  Claire took a deep breath, leaned forward, and jammed her mouth against his face. His lips didn’t move at first. But once he realized she was going for it, he gripped the sides of her face and forced his tongue into her mouth. Her cheeks burned. Could Conner tell she was a tongue-virgin? She did her best to follow his lead. And before long, Claire was fully at ease, fully at one with Conner, and fully into it.

  “Somebody stop her before she swallowcates his jaw!” Abby snapped her fingers frantically.

  “Aaaand cut!” Rupert shouted. Claire could hear him smiling.

  “Mercy.” Conner touched his lips. “Nice going, babygirl.”

  “Thanks.” She grinned.

  “Brilliant, dahhh-ling!” Rupert rubbed the top of her head. “I knew you could do it.”

  “Do what?” Abby twisted off her mini-mint-filled ring and dumped them all in her mouth. “Act like a porn star?”

  Massie and Alicia high-fived her like they were lifelong BFFs.

  “She was wondaful,” Rupert insisted.

  “‘She was wonderful,’” Abby mocked. “Molly would never kiss like that. She has no experience.”

  Despite the criticism, Claire welled with pride. Abby thought she was a good kisser!

  “I’m just saying,” the actress continued, “before Molly got a makeover from my character, she was a major loser. And even though she got a cool haircut and new clothes, she still has loser in her blood. And no loser would be that aggressive.”

  Claire clenched her jaw. How many more times was Abby going to remind everyone that she was playing a loser?

  “It worked for Conner.” The actor’s cheeks were still flushed.

  Abby marched over to him. “You know what else will work for Conner?” she snapped. “A Cup O’ Noodles up your butt!”

  “What does that mean?” he asked, an endearing smile on his face.

 
; “I dunno.” She shrugged. “It just came out.”

  Their eyes met and they snickered like giddy schoolgirls.

  “Listen.” Abby put her arm around Claire’s shoulders. “I don’t mean to sound all critictatious.” She gave her a reassuring squeeze. “I just want to do what’s best for our movie. And I don’t see your character being that, well, slutty. So maybe you can tone it down a bit.”

  “Uh, okay.” Claire wasn’t about to debate acting with Abby Boyd.

  “We’re ready to roll on this,” Rupert announced. “I need all cameras. Now!”

  Seconds later, the set was bustling with crew members hauling their gear and getting it into position.

  Gina appeared at Claire’s side with a bag of makeup.

  “Uh, I need to make a quick call.” She tried to sound harried so Gina would think it was an emergency. It was a Massie technique she’d picked up when the girls first met. “Be right back.”

  Stella was standing on the edge of the set scheduling interviews for her. “Here you go.” She handed Claire her phone as if reading her mind.

  “How did you know—”

  “It’s my job,” Stella answered.

  “Thanks.” Claire still had a hard time believing Stella was there to take care of her every need. But as long as she was, there was no harm in asking for a favor, right?

  “Stella, see those two girls by the coffee cart?” She pointed to Massie and Alicia.

  “Conner’s guests?”

  “Yeah.” She leaned in and whispered, “Would you mind having them removed from the set? They are ruining my focus.” She felt bad, but acting was hard enough without Massie and Alicia cackling every time she messed up.

  “Not a problem.” Stella turned on the heels of her snakeskin stilettos and hurried toward the girls.

  Claire crouched behind a massive klieg light and watched Stella do her dirty work. Whatever she said had Massie stomping her feet and Alicia craning to find Conner. Stella pointed to the exit, but the girls turned their backs to her. Finally, a stocky man in a mustard-colored SECURITY tee hauled them off the set. The instant they were gone, Claire exhaled. A weight had been lifted. But there was still one more thing crushing her. And it had Cam’s name on it.

  While the crew finished setting up, Claire hit speed dial number one, then lifted the red, shimmering phone to her ear. She was overflowing with guilt about the Conner kiss and needed to speak to Cam before she did it again.

  Please answer. Please answer. Please an—

  Someone picked up the phone but no one spoke.

  “Cam?” She giggled. “Are you there? It’s Claire.”

  Silence.

  “Cam? Hello?” She checked the screen on her phone to make sure she’d dialed right. Maybe the signal was bad. “If you can hear me, don’t go anywhere. I’ll call you right back.” She stuffed the rest of her second-to-last gummy worm in her mouth.

  “I can hear you.”

  Claire’s insides warmed from the sound of his voice. “Hey, it’s me. I have a few minutes so I thought I’d call and say hey.”

  “Hey.” His voice was flat.

  “Hey.” She knit her eyebrows. “Is everything okay? Were you sleeping?”

  “No.”

  “Oh.” She could hear herself breathing. “I’m eating a gummy worm right now.”

  “Really?” He sounded bored. “I thought your favorite snack food was Red Vines.”

  “Huh?” Her heart started thumping.

  “I saw your Teen Vogue interview online.”

  “Oh, that.” Claire tried to sound casual. Why had she ever listened to Abby? “I said gummy bears at first but then—”

  “And you said your crush was CF.”

  “Yup,” Claire confirmed with pride.

  “Conner Foley?”

  “What? No!” Her sadness was starting to grow teeth. “Obviously CF is you!”

  “Is that why you were just making out with him?”

  “What?” She looked around the studio. Had he shown up to surprise her?

  “Massie sent a picture to my phone of you making out with him.”

  Claire lowered her head between her knees to keep from passing out. Was the ‘trash talk’ segment not mean enough? Was this still payback for having her off the set or leftover jealousy about the movie? Either way, it was beyond evil, even for Massie Block. “Cam, that was a scene from the movie.”

  “Then where were the cameras?” His voice shook.

  “It was a rehearsal!” She jumped to her feet. “We haven’t used the cameras yet.”

  “So you’re going to kiss him again?”

  Silence.

  “Cam, you have to believe me,” Claire pleaded. “There’s nothing going on between me and Conner.”

  “Correction,” he replied. “There’s nothing going on between me and you.”

  Click.

  GELDING STUDIOS

  Friday, April 3rd

  11:00 A.M.

  Two rotund girls from the catering department burst into hysterics when they passed Massie and Alicia in the studio.

  “Your burgers taste like monkey balls!” Alicia hollered, then lowered her voice to a whisper. “Why is everyone laughing at us? First Gina, then the lighting dudes, now the food chicks.”

  “They probably heard Claire kicked us off the set,” Massie murmured. “And they think we’re losers.” “But we’re on our way to Conner’s trailer. How does that make us losers?”

  “This is all her fault,” Massie sneered. “Claire Lyons is so D2M.” She ditched her sugar-free hot chocolate on a table full of scripts to avoid staining the chocolate-brown cashmere beater she’d bought at Fred Segal. It had been the last one, and she desperately wanted Conner to see her in it while it was still clean. “Fifty gossip points if you can guess why Conner wants to see us.”

  Alicia tucked her Citizens into her hunter green riding boots for the hundredth time. She’d mistakenly worn the wide pair, and they kept bunching over the tops. “I think he wants to congratulate us. You know, on our final Daily Grind show. Maybe he has gifts for us.” She hurried to catch up with Massie. “I heard he gave portable DVD players and a copy of all his movies to everyone on his last film.”

  “What if he’s decided to just take one of us to the wrap party tonight?” Massie tried to sound like this would be a bad thing. But she knew that if Conner did make a choice, he would choose her. And there was nothing bad about that.

  Alicia stopped. “But what about Abby?”

  Massie turned around. “He can’t take her. Their romance is a secret, remember? He has to take one of us as part of his cover-up.” She slid her hand into the pocket of her camouflage capri pants and clutched her lucky cell phone.

  “Well, if he asks me, I’ll tell him I’m not going without you.” Alicia finger-combed her dark, wavy hair.

  “Cool.” Massie was standing in front of his trailer.

  Alicia stomped her foot. “What about me? Will you tell him you won’t go without me?”

  “Shhhh.” Massie brought her finger to her lips. “His door is open.”

  “Promise you won’t go without me,” Alicia whispered.

  “Can we puh-lease talk about this later? What if he hears us?” Massie hissed.

  “I swear, Lenny,” Conner shouted into his cell phone. “I am going to shoot a pumpkin ball up your butt if you don’t fix this!”

  Massie and Alicia burst out laughing.

  “What is a pumpkin ball?” Massie giggled into her palm.

  Alicia’s face was Revlon red. She lifted her hand away from her mouth to say something but cracked up and had to cover it again.

  “C’mere.” Massie yanked her to the side of the trailer so they could eavesdrop.

  “I don’t care how you fix it!” Conner roared. “But there’s no way she’ll go with me now.”

  Massie’s underarms itched. Was he talking about her?

  Conner’s voice filled with regret. “I hired you to make her jealous, n
ot to make me look like a loser for hanging out with a booger-leaker and a butt-picker.”

  Massie and Alicia burst out laughing again and buried their faces in each other’s shoulders.

  “Don’t tell Conner to calm down! Conner has every right to be angry!” He threw a crumpled copy of US Weekly at the door.

  “Sou-venir!” Alicia whispered as she bent down to pick it up. “Look, his name is in the subscription window. This is totally worth something.”

  “Lemme see.” Massie tore it from her hands.

  “Give it back!” Alicia reached for the magazine, but Massie was too quick for her.

  “Help me look for coffee stains.” She flipped through the celebrity-filled pages. “They might increase the value.”

  “Give it!” Alicia grabbed for the pages. “I found it.”

  Massie turned away and kept flipping. “Eh. Ma. Gawd.”

  “What? Give it!”

  “Trust me, you don’t want it.”

  “Yes I do.” Alicia ripped it away from Massie.

  Her brown eyes widened. “Eh. Ma. Gawd.” She leaned against the side of the trailer and slid to the floor.

  “Did you read the headline?” She tugged on Massie’s pant leg. “It says, ‘Slim Pickings for Conner Foley.’ And there’s a picture of us at his pool!”

  “I saw it.” Massie sat next to her. She pulled her lucky Motorola out of her pocket and stomped on it with the platform heel of her Frye mules. Purple rhinestones bounced across the studio floor, and plastic phone parts scattered everywhere. “I knew I heard something in the bushes.”

  Massie had no idea what to do next. No one had ever made a fool of her before.

  “I have a booger hanging out of my nose!”

  “Well, I’m pulling my bathing suit out of my butt!”

  “Now we know why everyone was laughing at us.” Alicia brought her knees to her chest and lowered her head. “The whole country reads US Weekly,” she mumbled. “This is a national disaster.”

  Massie wanted to grab Alicia by the shoulders, tell her the new revenge plan, and spring into action. She wanted to assure her that these stupid LBRs in Hollywood were no match for them. And remind her that no matter what the stupid magazine said, everyone would still side with the Pretty Committee. But she couldn’t. Not this time.