In Another Life

by Liesel Browning

  Amelia put the bottle on the counter. “Well, we can share it,” she said. “We’ll just use it every once in a while, or something.”

  “You wanna try it out tonight, though, don’t you?” Sadie teased. Amelia bit her lip and nodded. “All right, I’ll get some water for you.”

  Amelia was clearly surprised that Sadie was going out of her way to be nice to her. Sadie had pretty much been avoiding Amelia since she’d left their bed, the one they’d lain in together, whispering their deepest secrets, and moved into Glenn’s. Sadie would hear them fucking through the thin walls. It disgusted her.

  Sadie wasn’t sure why she wanted to be nice to Amelia, either. She could have gotten herself a little something from the store, one of the trashy books that Manny sometimes slipped to her, the ones Sadie kept hidden under her bed. She told herself it was because Amelia was so worried about Glenn. Amelia had been through enough. As much as Sadie felt angry with her, she still didn’t think Amelia needed the stress.

  Sadie took a bucket out into the yard and gathered up handfuls of fresh snow. They’d boil it, anyway, so she figured it didn’t make that much of a difference. She packed it in and took the nearly full bucket inside, letting it warm and melt into water, then boil, on the stove.

  Amelia was just pouring more tea for Glenn. They had an assortment of mugs in their little farmhouse, all left over from Sadie’s grandparents. It was so difficult not to think of them, as Sadie and the others were living in the house they owned before they died, but Sadie could hardly remember them.

  There used to be pictures of them all over the house. Pictures of a young Glenn, and his younger sister Lisa. Sadie only knew that her Aunt Lisa died when she was in her twenties, before Sadie was born. She didn’t live to see the world end.

  There were pictures of Sadie, too, from her birth to about the age of eight. Pictures of Glenn and her mother Daisy, old family photos from before the divorce. Sadie used to like looking at them, but Glenn put them all away. Sadie still hadn’t found them, and it infuriated her to think that he’d destroyed them. The only things she had left.

  Besides the mugs, the other little personal touches around the home were ones that Glenn at least saw some practical use in. Like the quilts made out of old patches of denim. Sadie slept with two of those on her bed, and was pretty comfortable on the coldest of nights.

  Amelia poured tea for Glenn in a mug that was a souvenir from a trip to San Diego. “That’s where I’m from,” Amelia once told Sadie. “Well, Solana Beach, but still.” She told Sadie that she missed living by the coast. The San Diego mug was her favorite.

  “I’m gonna check on him, then we’re washing our hair,” Amelia said. Sadie nodded, and as she waited for Amelia, she thought about running her hands through her blonde hair. She used to pin it for her, help her wash it, when they were still friends. She thought of that as she was driving back to the farm with the shampoo.

  Amelia came back a few minutes later. “He’s sleeping,” she said, and she looked relieved. “He seemed okay today, just…tired.” Sadie nodded. “Okay,” Amelia said, with what Sadie thought was a bit of forced cheerfulness, “Let’s give this stuff a try.” She took the bucket off the stove and put it in the sink. “You wanna go first?”

  “Nah, go ahead,” Sadie said. She stood with her by the sink as Amelia took off her sweater. Underneath, she wore only an old T-shirt, and she pulled this off as well. She didn’t have a bra on, but she was so thin she hardly needed one. Still, Sadie found herself looking at Amelia’s perky little breasts as she bent down backwards, dipping her long blonde hair into the bucket of hot water.

  “Here,” Sadie said. “Let me help you.” She took the bottle of shampoo and stepped forward. She rolled up the sleeves of her shirt and squeezed a bit of cool yellowish gel into her palm. She raised her hand to her nose for a moment and had another sniff. It was nice.

  Amelia smiled up at her, a bit sheepishly, as Sadie rubbed her hands together and stuck her hands in the water. She gently worked Amelia’s hair into a lather, rubbing her scalp with her fingertips. Amelia smirked and closed her eyes. Sadie glanced down as she washed her, and she couldn’t help staring at her breasts again. They wiggled ever so slightly with each movement Sadie made. She had to force herself to pay attention to Amelia’s hair as she finished washing and rinsing her. She did this twice.

  Sadie got a towel for Amelia. She flipped her wet hair out of the bucket, and they both laughed as Amelia wrapped the towel around her head. “That felt so nice,” Amelia said. “Are you ready for your turn?”

  Sadie nodded, and she figured that she may as well go shirtless, too. She and Amelia had been topless around each other plenty of times; they’d shared a room for a few years, after all. She unbuttoned her shirt, and took off the white tank top (faded to a sludgy grayish color from rough washings) she wore underneath. She had a couple of bras, ones that her mother used to own, ones that were hastily packed when she and Glenn decided to flee Iowa, to get as far away from civilization as possible. They were just about the right size. Daisy was a lean, fit woman herself, Sadie remembered.

  Sadie always thought that her breasts were kind of weird. She once practically stuck them in Amelia’s face when they were kids. “Do you think my nipples are, like, oddly big?”

  Amelia examined them. “They’re a little big,” she said thoughtfully. She’d smiled. “They’re fine. They’re beautiful.”

  Sadie was startled to notice right then in the kitchen that Amelia was looking right at her chest. Amelia saw she’d been caught looking and gave her another sheepish smile. “Sorry.”

  Sadie smirked at her before tossing her bandana on the counter and dipping back into the bucket, a little sudsy from Amelia’s double washing. Amelia, still topless, stood over Sadie and scrubbed her head, perhaps just a bit rougher than the way Sadie washed her, but Sadie liked it. She looked up into Amelia’s eyes.

  Since Sadie started her once monthly affair with Manny in La Ronge, she’d sometimes wonder what it would be like to sleep with Amelia. After reading some of the books Manny gave her, and talking it over with her part-time lover, she realized she’d had a crush on Amelia. She was jealous of her father’s relationship with her. She was ashamed of this.

  But she didn’t feel that way about Amelia anymore, right? Yet she still thought of her sometimes, when she lay alone in her bed, touching herself. She’d think of her blonde hair flowing down her back, covering her scars; her bare, flawless shoulders in one of her homemade dresses. She would fantasize about kissing Amelia’s shoulder, of all things.

  And now, they were both topless, their nipples practically touching, looking into each other’s eyes. Sadie wanted to touch her, to reach out and feel the soft skin of her shoulder, to kiss her…

  Amelia helped her rinse off, and retrieved a towel. Sadie wrapped her head up, as Amelia had, and they smiled at each other for a moment, both a bit flushed again. “I thought I’d have some tea myself,” Amelia said. “I’m going to reheat the kettle, would you like a cup?”

  “Okay,” Sadie said. “Thanks,” she added. She was suddenly eager to put her clothes back on.

  They kept their heads wrapped and sat in the living room together, sipping Mrs. Charles’s tea and listening to the radio, on low. Their reception wasn’t great, but they could vaguely hear some classical-sounding music playing. It was some kind of Christmas song, Sadie found herself thinking. They sometimes heard Christmas music on the one or two AM stations they could pick up on their radio around the holidays. It’d been snowing, after all; was it nearly Christmas?

  They hadn’t really celebrated Christmas since coming to the farm. There didn’t seem to be any point to it. They could just barely get what they needed to survive, let alone anything extra. A handful of books and a couple of toys to keep them stimulated, they couldn’t expect much more than that, ever. Christmas just made Sadie think of the old days. She got up and turned the radio off.

  “The reception’s shit, anyway,
” Amelia said, with a bit of false cheer.

  Sadie sat down next to her on the old sofa. It was showing its wear and tear, but it was holding up okay with just a little patching. The cushions sank in quite a bit, but they put some old sheets, worn beyond practical use, underneath to add a bit of lift. It was definitely better than nothing.

  “How’s Dad looking?” Sadie asked. When it came down to it, she didn’t exactly like the thought of the old man dying. She didn’t think much of him these days, but still…he was their provider. Their protector. She’d managed to get to town without him, sure, but…

  Amelia shook her head. “I don’t know if you’ve heard him, but…for a couple of months now, he’s been waking up in the night with these terrible coughing fits. He can’t hardly breath.” Amelia shook her head. “He coughs up all this nasty stuff, some of it’s brown. I think he’s really sick. I just…I don’t know what to do.”

  Sadie shook her head. “Neither do I.” When Amelia reached out and took her hand, Sadie did not pull away. She gave it a little squeeze. “You know what he’d want us to do, though? Make a plan, for if he dies.”

  Amelia sighed. She took her hand from Sadie’s, crossing her arms. “I guess that’s true.”

  “I mean, I was okay going to town today,” Sadie said.

  “It’s well below freezing out,” Amelia pointed out. “You’re not going to come up on any this time of year.”

  “I can handle it,” Sadie said. “Dad’s right about one thing, we really are pretty safe up here. I’ve only seen a handful of them since we came here.”

  “Really?” Amelia said, smiling a little. Sadie was exaggerating; she’d seen her father shoot plenty. But there was no sense in worrying Amelia. It was the last thing she wanted to do.

  “And you and I, we know how to tend the garden.”

  “We’ll teach Christian.”

  “Right.”

  “I just…” Amelia stared at her hands, cupped in her lap. “He saved my life, Sadie.”

  “I know.”

  “I was in total shock,” Amelia said, remembering the day Glenn found her in the abandoned rest stop washroom. Glenn told Amelia not to think about those things, to forget the man who tortured her and focus on their life on the farm, on their family, but Sadie let Amelia remember. “I probably would have fainted and just…died in that place. Froze to death, or something. Maybe some of those things would have found us, and…”

  “It was fate,” Sadie whispered. Amelia nodded, smiling a little, her eyes still downcast.

  Sadie was surprised by Amelia’s next words. In a way, they were the words she’d been waiting to hear for quite some time. “I didn’t mean to hurt you when Glenn and I…I love him. But I love you, too.” Amelia reached out and took Sadie’s hand again. “I’m sorry.”

  “No,” Sadie said. She held on to Amelia’s hand. “Don’t be sorry. I mean…you just never told me. That’s why I…it’s you and my dad.”

  Amelia shook her head. “It seemed like the most natural thing to do. Like what I was meant to do.”

  “Have Christian?” Amelia nodded. “Is that what he told you?” Sadie asked. She felt angry at her father all over again, any pity she had for the dying man ebbing away.

  “Not in so many words,” Amelia said with a shrug. “I love Christian, too.”

  “Of course you do,” Sadie said. “I know that.”

  “I don’t know what I’m gonna do when Glenn…” Amelia put her head in her hands, leaning forward on her elbows.

  Sadie put a hand on her back. She couldn’t feel her scar tissue through her sweater, but she knew it was there. She’d seen it many times, the angry pink network of scars running all over her back. Amelia had already experienced so much pain. Sadie didn’t want her to feel any more.

  “We’re going to live,” Sadie said. “We’re going to look out for each other. You and me and…and Christian. We’re a family. That’s what my dad would want.”

  Amelia leaned in and kissed Sadie. They didn’t take things any further than a little kissing on the couch, not that night. But when Amelia decided that Glenn, slowly worsening and hardly able to spend any time out of bed any more, should have his room to himself, she came back to Sadie’s. And when she wasn’t tending to her ailing man, she and Sadie were together again.

  Chapter Four

  Amelia’s dark days were few and far between anymore, but when they occurred, Sadie knew to just leave her to herself.

  It was a few days after they celebrated Christian’s birthday. They weren’t certain on the exact date, really, but thanks to Glenn’s record-keeping, they knew they were pretty close. Sadie wasn’t able to procure birthday candles, but Christian was pleased with his vanilla cake topped with strawberries. Amelia wore her pink dress and her new heels, and after Christian, stuffed full of cake and warm by the fire, fell asleep, Amelia and Sadie went back to their bedroom and made love. Amelia kept the heels on as Sadie ate her out, over and over.

  But now, just a few days after their happy little family celebration, Amelia lay in bed that morning facing the wall as Sadie got dressed to head outside. “You feeling okay?” Sadie asked.

  Amelia didn’t turn to look at her. “Not great,” she said quietly.

  “Want anything to eat?” Sadie asked, knowing what the answer would be.

  “No, thanks.”

  “I’ll bring you some water,” Sadie said. She resisted the urge to reach out and touch Amelia’s shoulder, to kiss her temple. Amelia didn’t like to be touched when she was in one of her dark moods. Sadie understood.

  Sadie found Christian in the kitchen, sorting the eggs he’d gathered. “Thanks,” Sadie said, stepping up to the counter. “I’ll make breakfast.”

  “Where’s Mommy?” Christian asked.

  “She’s a little tired today,” Sadie said. “You let her rest.”

  “Okay,” Christian said. “What do you want me to do?”

  Sadie had to smile a little. “Get some water,” she said. “We’ll put it on and you can wash up for breakfast. Then we’ll eat and…maybe play a little basketball?”

  Christian’s eyes widened. “Really?”

  “Sure,” Sadie said. It wouldn’t be the first time she played around with the kid, but she hadn’t done it often. Maybe she needed to more. “Go get the water, now.”

  Christian hurried out to the yard. Sadie started cracking the eggs over the old skillet, scrambling them up with half a can of tomatoes and some herbs from the garden. She rounded off their breakfast with some bread, slicing from the loaf Amelia made just the previous day. As she fried up some toast, she wished they had some butter. Christian didn’t even know what butter was. They were sometimes able to get their hands on some margarine, but it was hardly the same.

  They ate a hardy breakfast, then Christian led his sister outside. He’d left the ball on the ground outside of the garage. It was the sort of thing Glenn would have gotten on his case about. For no reason, Sadie thought bitterly. They were the only people around for miles. They lived on their own walled-in property. What the fuck did it matter if the kid left the ratty old basketball on the ground?

  “Does it need air?” Sadie asked. One thing they actually had was an air-pump.

  Christian squeezed the ball between his palms. “It’s okay,” he said, and he started to dribble.

  They shot around for a while, not really keeping score, then played a game of 21. Sadie let the kid win. She wasn’t so prideful that she needed to one-up a little kid in basketball. “Good game,” she said, slapping her brother a high-five.

  Christian looked delighted. “Can we play another? I’ll go easy on you.”

  Sadie chuckled. “We got some work to do,” she said. “Maybe we’ll play again later.” Christian nodded, his smile hardly fading, as he went to stir the compost heap.

  Sadie would stick her head into the bedroom every once in a while to check on Amelia, but her lover hadn’t moved from her spot on their bed. She lay with her face to t
he wall, her mind full of horrifying memories, things that Sadie could hardly fathom. She left her alone each time without a word, not even certain if Amelia knew she was there.

  When Sadie popped her head in to check on her lover in the late afternoon, it was the same thing. The room was dark already, but Amelia hadn’t made a move to light a candle or turn on the oil lamp. Sadie was about to close the door again, when she heard Amelia whisper, “Sadie?”

  “Yeah?” Sadie said, standing at attention.

  “Those beans that are soaking in the sink…those are for dinner tonight,” Amelia said.

  “Okay,” Sadie said. She ventured to ask, “Do you need anything?”

  “No,” Amelia said, and Sadie left her alone again.

  Sadie prepared the beans with spices, as Amelia would have done, and served them with rice at dinner. Christian kept glancing at his mother’s empty seat, but he didn’t ask any more questions about her whereabouts. He knew she had dark days sometimes. He just left it alone.

  “Wash the dishes,” Sadie said to her brother when they’d finished eating in silence. “Then you can listen to the radio for a bit. Not too loud.”

  “Okay, Sadie,” Christian said. He gathered their plates and went to the sink to wash the dishes in the leftover water from dinner preparations. Sadie went out to her truck in the garage and got a joint and her lighter. She took a walk on the dark, chilly grounds, wearing only one of her flannel shirts, wishing she’d remembered her jacket as she took a short walk. She’d at least thought to pull her knit cap over her bandana.

  She looked up at the sky. It still surprised her sometimes how clear it was, how dazzling the night sky was this far north on a cold fall night. For the first few years on the farm, the night sky was too murky to see many stars, even this far up north, far from where the bombs fell. Sadie took the clearing sky as a good sign.

  She remembered what Glenn used to say, about how the nuclear holocaust, the zombie apocalypse, whatever you wanted to call the catastrophe that ended life as they all knew it, was God’s way of weeding out the wicked from the population. “Survivors must repent!” he declared one night, when he was way deep in his cups. “If we repent, if we pray, God will kill them. It has to be what he wants us to do.” And Glenn fell to his knees, looking up at ceiling imploringly.