Healing Her Heart

by Kimberly Smith

  Denise willed herself to move forward into the room. The hate and pain that had built within her to a roaring flame smoldered out as she looked at the sickly old woman lying in the hospital bed. Her skin was thin and sagged on her bones. It was almost as if she had no muscle tissue at all. Her eyes were closed, but they looked sunken and dark compared to the skin around them. She couldn’t weigh more than a hundred pounds at most. Her hair was thin and barely covered her head,

  Howard moved to the side of the bed, touching his sister’s hand. Her eyes fluttered open. “Hazel, hi.”

  Denise watched as the frail woman lifted her hand to touch his arm. “You have to find her.” Her voice was weak and soft.

  “I did find her. She’s here,” Howard said reaching back to pull Denise by the hand. He moved out of the way, allowing the woman to see Denise.

  As Denise stepped forward, her grandmother’s eyes filled with tears and she reached out to Denise. Her voice was barely audible. Denise leaned forward to hear what the woman was saying. It sounded like she was saying I’m sorry. Alarms on various machines begin to sound, and Denise was swept aside as nurses rushed into the room. Denise, Howard and his wife were ushered out of the room and into the hallway.

  **

  An hour later Denise sat at the table in Howard’s kitchen with Shelly. They had returned to the house only minutes ago. Shelly had taken Denise into the kitchen and sat comforting Denise who couldn’t stop the flow of tears from her eyes. Howard had said he would join them in a minute.

  When he returned to the kitchen, he was carrying a large and very old bible. He placed it on the table in front of Denise. She opened it, and Howard pointed out her mother’s name and then hers written into the family tree printed on the first few pages. Then he handed her a large manila envelope stuffed with pictures.

  Denise looked through them slowly. There were images of her that shouldn’t be there. Pictures of her in high school and at her prom, pictures of her birthday’s and even when she graduated from the training academy. “I don’t understand,” she said looking at Shelly and Howard. “I heard her say that my mother was a fool for raising me and that she would never acknowledge me as her grandchild because of my white father. I heard it with my own ears. She said she hated my father and me too.” Tears were flowing down Denise’s face again. Howard took the envelope that had held the pictures, reaching into it. He pulled out a standard envelope, handing it to her. It was no longer white. It had yellowed with age.

  As Denise took it from him, Howard and Shelly stood, “Read it. We’ll give you some privacy.” They left the room, and Denise carefully opened the envelope, taking the handwritten pages out and unfolding them. Denise read the first page.

  I understood the gravity of what I did too late. When I should have put aside my issues and gave you the love and care that you needed, I could not. Now you have a new family, and after meeting Wanda and Clarence, I think that you are better off with them.

  I have no excuses for how I acted towards you and saying I’m sorry isn’t good enough. I can only hope that as you grow up that you are happy and loved. The guilt I feel for not taking you in when Mary died, will haunt me until the day I die.

  Denise read the next note. It wasn’t dated, but it appeared to be written later than the first one she had read.

  I am filled with remorse and self-loathing for the misery that my selfishness caused you. My inability to admit my faults caused me to have to watch my granddaughter grow up via pictures.

  Clarence and Wanda are good people, and I can see that in you and your accomplishments. I came for you after I realized how silly I was being, but I could see that you were happy, so I walked away from you. I would give anything to go back in time and tell the social worker that I wanted you to live with me. Now I can only hope that you will forgive me someday.

  I love you

  Grandma Hazel

  Denise read all the notes left by her grandmother. They had been written throughout Denise’s life. Denise learned that in her grandmother’s teen years, Hazel had been subjected to severe racial hatred and because of that, she had a deep-rooted hatred of Caucasians. It was that hatred that led her to lose her daughter and granddaughter. Her grandmother had loved her, but she realized it too late.

  14

  Edwin sat with his elbows on the edge of the desk, rubbing his hands over his face. He was tired. He’d worked a double shift and had only had a few hours of sleep on a cot in one of the off-duty rooms. Maybe his exhaustion was the reason that he didn’t think that what he was thinking of doing was a good idea. He moved his hands, looking at the information on the computer screen again. He’d popped by her place on Sunday. Her car wasn’t in the parking lot, and she didn’t answer the door. He was starting to feel like a stalker.

  He took his phone from his pocket and dialed the number on the screen and waited for the line to be answered., then he spoke. “Mr. Samuels, this is Dr. Edwin McAlister from Texas Health Services. I met you a few weeks ago in Denise’s room.”

  “What can I do for you doctor?”

  Edwin cleared his throat. “I’m calling regarding Denise. I’ve been trying to reach her, and I’m not having much luck.”

  “Is something wrong?”

  “No, sir. This is a personal matter. We’ve been seeing each other, and we had a disagreement, and now she won’t talk to me.” Edwin sighed not sure what else to say. “Is she alright. I know that her job can be dangerous.”

  “Um, Edwin. Denise is out of town right now. There was a death in her family. I’m sure that’s why she hasn’t been in touch.”

  Edwin noted that Mr. Samuels had said, ‘A death in, “her” family.’ He wasn’t sure what that meant exactly, but it was strange. “Oh, please accept my condolences for your loss. If you speak with her soon, will you ask her to call me.”

  “Sure.”

  “Thank you, sir. Goodbye.” Edwin ended the call. She was dealing with the loss of a family member. He felt better, but now he wanted to speak with her even more. He dialed her number, but it went to voicemail. He didn’t want to leave a message. He wanted to hear her voice with his own ears.

  **

  “I’ll pick you up from the airport on Thursday evening. Shelly and Howard are excited to meet you in person. She’s made up a room for you, so you don’t have to get a hotel room.” Denise had been glad to hear Clarence’s voice when he called to let her know when he would arrive in Atlanta.

  “I was asked to relay a message to you,” Clarence said before he ended the call.

  “From who?” Denise had talked to Felicia and her boss. She had no idea who it could have been from.

  “That doctor you introduced me to. He called looking for you. He said that he was worried because he hadn’t heard from you. Call him.”

  “I haven’t had time to think. We’ve been going through Hazel’s things. She left me the house and everything in it.”

  Clarence knew that she was making excuses. He could tell from the concern in Edwin’s voice that he cared for Denise. “Call him.”

  “Alright, I will,” Denise said giving up the list of excuses she had. “I’ll see you Thursday.” She looked at her phone and saw that she had missed another call from Edwin. Get it over with; she told herself as she dialed his number.

  Edwin answered after the first ring, “Hello.”

  “Hey, It’s me, Denise. Clarence said that you called him.” There was an incredible silent moment then she heard him release his breath.

  His heart flipped and flopped as she talked. “Yea. I thought you might still be angry with me, but he told me there was a death in your family. Honey, I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He called her honey. She didn’t want to admit it, but she wished he was there with her. “I didn’t think that it was a big deal.”

  “Of course, it’s a big deal. Are you okay?”

  Denise swallowed the lump in her throat, “I’m fine.”

  She wasn’t, and he kn
ew it. “Who died? Was it someone close to you?”

  “She was my grandmother. I didn’t really know her though. I guess you could say we were estranged.”

  Edwin could hear the change in her voice. She was trying not to let her emotions show. “When is the funeral?”

  “Friday afternoon. I have to go now. We’re trying to figure out what to do with her things. People are waiting for me.”

  “When are you coming home?”

  “Sunday.”

  “Text me the address of the funeral home and your grandmother’s name. I want to send flowers.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I want to. Send me the address.”

  “Okay, I’ll send it tonight. Bye,” Denise said hitting the red button on her phone. Denise slid the phone into her pocket. She felt a little better after hearing his voice. He was concerned about her, and she liked that. He was changing her a little bit at a time.

  **

  The day of the funeral, the weather matched Denise’s mood. The sky was overcast, and heavy looking clouds filled the air with humidity. She stood in the hall outside of the sanctuary where Hazel’s funeral was being held. Clarence stood beside her as the family members that she had met over the last few days, greeted her and introduced her to the ones she didn’t know.

  She glanced inside the small room, noting that the pews were filling quickly. There were flowers everywhere. She smiled when she glanced at the wreath Edwin had sent. Clarence squeezed her hand. When Denise turned, she gasped looking towards the entrance. Edwin was walking towards her, dressed in a classic grey suit, looking handsome. He crossed the room to them, greeting Clarence, “Mr. Samuels, it’s a pleasure to see you again.”

  When he released Clarence’s hand, he tugged Denise into his arms holding her tight, kissing the top of her head. “What are you doing here?” She pulled back from him to look up into his eyes. Clarence eased away from them, to find a seat among Denise’s family.

  “The last time you asked me that, we fought,” Edwin chuckled holding on to her hands. “I’m here for you because I wanted you to know that you’re not alone.” He pulled her back into his arms. “I have to leave tonight, but I’m here now.” Denise held on to him for a few minutes more. Then she took him by the hand to sit and say goodbye to her grandmother.

  Edwin sat close to Denise as she held on tight to his hand. They listened to the minister as he quoted scripture and talked about Hazel Williams. Then members of the family stood telling the group, stories about her. Several people had spoken about something that she had done or said and how it affected them.

  “My sister Hazel was a character, to say the least,’ Howard said when he stood at the podium. “She spoke her mind and rarely apologized if she hurt your feelings, but that was one of the things I think that I loved most about her.” Edwin squeezed Denise’s hand thinking, so, that’s where she got it from. “She had hardships, and she was stubborn.” Howard told them story after story before saying, “One of the things she dealt with was a deep and profound prejudice against white people because of something that happened to her as a teenager. That hatred affected her for many years and cost her two relationships. One with her daughter and one with her granddaughter who most of you have met in the past few days. Denise, no matter what has happened in the past, you are a part of this family, and I know that my sister died in piece because she got to see you and say that she was sorry for the past.” Denise slipped her hand from Edwin’s to wipe away the tears that slid down her cheeks. She took the handkerchief that Edwin handed her.

  When the service had concluded, and the procession followed Hazel’s casket to her final resting place. Edwin rode with Denise and her father. She held on to his hand, not letting go until they were standing near the car as so many people hugged her giving her their sincerest condolences.

  Once they had returned to Hazel’s house, Denise introduced Edwin to her new family members. “Edwin this is my great uncle, Howard and his wife, Shelly.”

  “Is this your boyfriend,” Shelly asked smiling at the two of them?

  Edwin smiled down at Denise, “We’re dating.”

  “Well, we’re glad that you’re here,” Howard said smiling. “We’ve got food and beer out back. You and Clarence come with me. The ladies always kick us out to the back yard when we get together. Denise let Edwin’s hand go and watched as he and Clarence followed Howard through the house to the back yard.

  Denise spent the next hour or so dodging questions about Edwin and the nature of their relationship from Shelly and every other female past the age of puberty. She finally slipped away from them, hiding out in her grandmother’s bedroom. She kicked off her shoes and curled up on the full-sized bed with her back to the door.

  She must have dozed off because she never heard the door when it opened. The bed shifted causing her to move a little. She opened her eyes as Edwin wrapped her in his arms as he spooned her. She tried to get up. “Just let me hold you for a bit,” he said softly against her ear. Denise relaxed as their breathing synced and Edwin slid his thumb back and forth against her hand. His warmth permeated her clothing, seeping into her skin. “We fit together perfectly,” Edwin whispered in her ear. “Like we were made for each other.” Denise tried to move out of his embrace, but Edwin held her in place. “I know you don’t want to like me, but you do. I think we should explore the fact that we like each other.”

  “How?”

  Edwin moved to turn her so that they faced each other. He leaned forward, giving her a sweet kiss and smiling, before saying, “Be my girlfriend. All that means is that we hang out, talk often, cuddle and make out, and we don’t put any expectations on each other that we can’t handle.”

  “Does making out, include sex?” Denise said sliding her hand between them.

  Edwin took a deep breath when her hand hit its target, “Absolutely.” Denise giggled as he pinched her nipple in return.

  Someone knocked on the door, “Denise, you in there?”

  It was Shelly. Denise climbed over Edwin to get off the bed. By the time she reached the door, Edwin was sitting on the side of the bed. “Yeah, I just needed to speak to Edwin alone for a minute. What’s up?”

  “Some people are leaving, and they wanted to say goodbye, that’s all.”

  “I’ll be right there. I just need to put my shoes on.” Denise closed the door and joined Edwin on the side of the bed, slipping her shoes back on.

  When she finished, Edwin grabbed her pulling her into his lap. “You didn’t answer my question. Will you be my girlfriend?”

  “Yes,” she said kissing him. Why the hell not? She’d broken almost all her rules anyway. She liked him, and there was nothing wrong with that.

  15

  Denise drove Edwin to the airport a few hours later. He wanted to stay, but he had to be at work to cover for the doctor who had switched shifts with him so that he could come to Atlanta for the funeral. He hadn’t had much time alone with her since they’d come out of the bedroom. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

  Denise frowned at him, “Yeah.”

  “Why do you call Clarence by his name? I mean, he’s your father, right?”

  Denise thought it was a fair question. To most people, it would seem strange that she called her father by his name. “Clarence and his wife Wanda adopted me when my mother Mary died. I… um had a hard time adjusting. He and Wanda didn’t want to push me into something I wasn’t ready for. So, they allowed me to call them by name. I have always called him Clarence.”

  “You’ve never called him Dad?”

  “No.”

  “You’ve never mentioned your real father.” Edwin hoped that she would explain without him having to ask.

  “I don’t know much about him. I know that he was a wealthy man here in Atlanta and that my mother worked for him as a secretary. Can we talk about something else?” The only reason that she knew that came from the arguments she had heard between her mother and her grandmo
ther.

  Once, Denise had heard her grandmother say that it didn’t matter that the bastard was sending her the money to keep her quiet and from the sums he was sending, he was someone who didn’t want the world to know he was a rapist.

  Edwin sensed her closing him out. He changed the subject. “As my girlfriend, you have to be my date for this party that I have to attend next Saturday night. It’s black-tie.”

  “What kind of party is it?”

  “My parent’s anniversary party,” Edwin observed her, thinking that she might change her mind.

  “Okay. Fancy dress party with the parents.” Denise made a face as if she tasted something foul and would vomit at any moment.

  Edwin grinned at her, “We’ll have a good time. I promise.”

  **

  Denise stood in front of the mirror on the back of her bedroom door with her eyes closed. She felt a little nauseous. Edwin had dug a hole through the wall that surrounded her heart, that had kept her safe from getting emotionally involved with someone. She opened her eyes, satisfied that she looked alright. She grabbed her black clutch from the foot of the bed and left her bedroom. She hoped that Edwin liked the dress. Denise and Felicia had gone back to the bridal shop to get the dress that Denise had seen there. She felt decadent in it. As she walked through the living room, the layered black chiffon floated around her legs, exposing skin up to the tops of her thighs, through the matching off center splits in the front.

  Edwin stood beside the car watching Denise’s door. It opened, and he stood a little straighter. She moved quickly to the stairs, and all Edwin could tell was that she looked divine in her black dress. His first real view of her came as she appeared on the stairs facing him, his brain turned to mush. With each step down the stairs that she took, smooth brown skin teased him starting with the thick sparkly band across her toes and then again at her ankle.

  As she moved towards him, he was finally able to move his eyes upward, taking in the thin sparkly belt around her flat waist and up to the sheer black sleeveless bodice that appeared see-through except for the black sequin overlay that blocked out her breasts. The only jewelry she wore was a single and straightforward silver ring on her right hand and a matching bracelet on her left wrist. The jewel neckline of the dress was high enough that a necklace was not required. Her hair was curly and styled in an elegant, slightly messy bun at the base of her head. Her eyes sparkled as she smiled shyly at him. She stopped a foot from him. “What,” she asked when he didn’t move or say anything.