The Field

by Tracy Richardson

  “Do you think they mean something?”

  “That’s the thing, I have no idea.”

  We’re off to one side of the stage, in a little alcove to stay out of the way of the bands setting up and tearing down equipment for their shows. Renee has her back to the wall and I’m standing between her and the activity, so I don’t see Paul and Tyler come up behind me with Steven from Winston.

  “Eric, you gotta hear this,” Paul interrupts us. “Steven says Mrs. Stoat told him that cutting his hair on stage was a health hazard and that he should be ashamed of himself! She made them quit playing before they got to play their new song.”

  “That sucks. What does she mean—a health hazard? Unbelievable,” I say.

  “Yeah, right?” Steven says. “She’s a total buzz-kill. Of all the things we could be doing, and she freaks about me cutting my hair.” He runs a hand through his hair and little pieces of it flutter down around his face. I can see where the chunks are missing.

  “No shit. It’s not like you were doing shots or lighting up or anything. And the lyrics weren’t inappropriate. Why are some teachers so cool and the rest don’t get it?” Paul is really pissed.

  “Who knows. She’s wound just a little too tight. I mean it’s great that she’s helping with PantheRock and all, but she needs to lighten up,” says Steven. The next band setting up is one of the headliners. They’ve got three vocalists and a horn section and they’re a fantastic cover band.

  “Strategy’s up next,” I say. “Let’s go down in front so we can see better.” I turn to Renee. “We can go stand with your friends, and you can dance some more,” I say with a smile.

  She leads me by the hand back to the pseudo mosh pit. I feel better just having told her about the dreams. It’s not like I thought we’d come to some insightful conclusion, but it’s nice to have someone else know and even understand. She asked me what they mean, but I really don’t know. And frankly, given what they are, I’m not sure I ever want to find out.

  The first song Strategy plays is a great dance tune. The crowd is whooping and cheering as we get to the front of the stage where Anna, Emily and Miles are dancing and watching the band. Anna squeals, “Hey girl!” and moves to the side to make room for us. All around us people are bumping and grinding to the beat. Renee stays next to me for a while, and then moves over to dance with Emily, who whispers something in her ear, making Renee laugh.

  That leaves Anna beside me and she starts whipping her hair around and bumping me with her hip. I’m not sure how to take this—is she just including me in the group or is she coming on to me? You’d think that I’d be better at reading girls’ intentions, given that I’m supposed to be perceptive about people, but I’m at a total loss. Now Miles is dancing with Renee and Emily, and it’s clear what his intentions are. He’s totally focused on Renee. I can see it in his body language and how he’s raking her up and down with his eyes. But it’s more than that. Most guys are always checking girls out, but something about Miles bugs me. A lot.

  I maneuver around Anna and Emily to get next to Renee. Miles is on Renee’s far side so at least I can keep an eye on him better from this vantage point. All my scrapes and bruises from the game are starting to throb as the ibuprofen wears off, and the dancing is jarring my ribs. I’m used to working through pain, but I wouldn’t mind leaving now with Renee. Maybe I can get Tyler to give us a ride home.

  There’s a lull in the music as Strategy clears off stage and the next band sets up, so I ask Renee, “Do you want to head out now? I’m pretty sore from the game today. Maybe we could go hang out someplace where I can sit down for a while.”

  “There’s still two more bands left to play, and I want to dance!” she says. “Maybe you could go hang out by the booths for a while. I think people are sitting on the grass back there.”

  I can tell she’s having a great time, and I’m about to say I can meet up with her later, when Miles drapes his arm across Renee’s shoulder, pulling her into him and says, “Yeah, my girl’s gonna stay here and dance the last sets with me, aren’t you?” He’s breathing hard from dancing, and it’s almost like he’s panting in anticipation. Renee looks startled at first and then laughs to cover it. The hairs on the back of my neck rise up and I feel like his gaze is a challenge. I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge.

  I take a step closer to him so he has to tilt his head back to look up at me. “She’s not your girl—take your hands off her.” I knock his arm off her shoulder. He gives me a look of mock chagrin and says to Renee. “Hey, I’m sorry, Renee, I wasn’t coming on to you or anything. It’s just friends. I know you want to dance, that’s all.”

  “Of course, Miles, it’s fine. I do want to dance,” she says and pats him on the chest. “Eric, what’s your problem?” she demands, pulling me away from the group. When we get a few feet away, she turns on me angrily. “Miles is my friend, what are you doing?”

  “He’s bad news. I could tell the first time I saw him. And I know you weren’t totally cool with what he did back there. I saw your face. I don’t want you to hang out with him anymore.” As soon as I say this, I realize it’s a mistake. Renee’s not the kind of person who will tolerate being ordered around, and it’s not like I really want to tell her what to do. I rub my forehead with my hand as if it will clear my brain. I’m really tired from the game, from everything.

  “Are you telling me who I can be friends with? You don’t own me.” She puts her hands on her hips defiantly. “And you’re wrong about Miles. You don’t even know him. He’s a really nice guy, just a little awkward, that’s all.”

  I reach to grab her hands, but she pulls them away. I shove my hands in my pockets, exasperated. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. You can be friends with whoever you want. It’s just that I’ve had a bad feeling about him since that first party we went to. I can’t explain it, but it’s like somehow I know he’s a jerk. More than a jerk. I just don’t want him to cause trouble for you.”

  “What kind of trouble could he possibly cause? All the remote viewing has made you think you know more than you really do. That was totally out of line back there. You embarrassed me in front of my friends, and you have no right to tell me what to do.” I can’t believe how pissed off she is about this. I may have gotten angry at Miles, but I didn’t think it was that bad. Then she says, “I’m going to go back to dance with my friends the rest of the night.” She emphasizes my friends. “Maybe you should go ahead and go home.” Now I really can’t believe what she’s saying. I feel like a giant weight’s been placed on my shoulders.

  “You want me to leave?” I ask, not wanting to accept that this is happening.

  “I’m just going to stay with the people I came with and you can hang out with your soccer friends. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Then she turns and walks back to Anna, Emily and Miles, leaving me standing there, alone in the middle of the sea of students. I feel a dull ache in my heart. Miles is looking at me, and I could swear he’s giving me a sneer of triumph.

  I look away from him and turn my gaze skyward. I think about following Renee, but I don’t want to make a scene in front of everyone, and she did say she would talk to me tomorrow. Maybe she won’t be as upset by then. The next band is playing now, and all around me people are moving to the beat, jostling me as I stand in what feels like an island of stillness, numb. Then the pain starts radiating out in waves in my chest, and I can’t catch my breath because it feels like a hand is squeezing all the air out of my lungs. Is this what heartache feels like? I turn and push through the crowd toward the exit. I don’t have a clear idea of what I’m going to do. I just want to get out of there. Meeting up with Tyler and Paul isn’t an option since I’m in no mood to talk to anyone, and they’re bound to ask me what’s wrong. It’s only a couple miles to my house, so I’m thinking I’ll just walk home.

  I have to zigzag past groups of people to get to the back. The crowd thins out as I get closer to the booths where people are milling around and paying
less attention to the band. I stop for a minute to get my bearings on where the exit is and over to my left I see Will out of the corner of my eye. What catches my attention is that his hair has fallen over his eyes and he does the familiar gesture of pushing it back with his hand. He’s with the same crowd he’s been hanging out with lately and is obviously having a good time. Great. Another thing that sucks about my life right now. I look the other direction and see the exit gate to my right. When I pass the woman at the ticket table she says, “There’s no re-entry to the concert once you leave.”

  “Thanks. I’m not coming back.”

  I walk quickly across the parking lot. Once I leave the lights of the field and the parking lot behind me, I’m plunged into darkness. I’m grateful for the anonymity of the night. It’s gotten windy, so I zip up my jacket, put my hands in my coat pockets and hunch my shoulders against the chill. How did everything get so crappy? Will is being wild and acting like a jerk most of the time, I have to compete for the starting keeper spot and prove myself in every game so every time I let in a goal I feel like I’ve blown it, and now my girlfriend is mad at me. I’m working so hard trying to figure out the collective consciousness stuff, and I can’t seem to get it. Maybe Renee’s right, and I don’t really know anything. That seemed like a betrayal coming from her, especially after Will attacked me with the same thing. If she doesn’t believe in it, why should I? Did I do better in the goal before I tried to focus on knowing where the shots were going to go? I’m probably over-thinking it. I don’t know. It doesn’t seem to be working, that’s for sure.

  My footfalls make a rhythmic sound on the sidewalk as I trudge along and an occasional leaf crunches under my shoe. It’s still a little too early for the leaves to change, but fall is definitely here. There’s a crispness in the air and the sweet fermenting smell of decaying summer plants. I stop at a corner and wait to cross until a car passes. My ribs are really aching now. The ibuprofen wore off a long time ago.

  Finally, I turn the corner onto my street. The walk hasn’t done much to improve my mood. I feel pretty useless—the guarded excitement I had the other day about the astral viewing with Drew and connecting to The Field with Dr. Auberge has turned to apathy and disbelief. I just want to go to bed and forget everything. My house is shrouded in gloom because no one’s turned on the outside lights and the light at the end of the driveway is off. I gratefully reach the driveway and just when I step under the street light, it abruptly lights up, shining into the darkness and illuminating me in a circle of light.

  18

  MR. OGLE LEADS us to a door at the end of the science hallway that I never paid attention to before. He stops in front of it with his hand on the handle and says, “It’s worth repeating that you must stay away from the edge of the roof. If one of you falls, that will be the end of classes getting to go up here, not to mention being very painful for you.” He inserts a key into the lock, opens the door and climbs the stairway going up to the roof. The students file in behind him.

  Will, Cole, Renee and I have formed an awkward group at the back of the line. Awkward because Will isn’t really associating with us except for during class and on the soccer field, and because things are still tense between me and Renee. I tried to explain to her on Sunday why I was concerned about Miles, but she just thinks I’m jealous and don’t trust her. We’re not exactly fighting, but it’s not the same between us. Cole isn’t helping matters by simply being Cole and making snide remarks.

  “Eric, don’t you feel a draft in this hallway? It could be a bit of cold shoulder, if you know what I mean,” he says low enough that only I can hear him. I’m not sure if he means Will or Renee. Probably both.

  “Shut up, Cole. It’s bad enough without your sarcastic comments.”

  I climb the stairs behind Renee and pass through the doorway at the top and onto the roof of the school. The wind whips across the wide open expanse; catching the tails of my shirt and making them flutter. The roof is tarred and covered with pebbles which crunch under my shoes as I follow the rest of the class over to the solar panels. There are three rows of panels with eight sections per panel.

  “The student environmental club runs the paper, plastic and aluminum can recycling program here at school and uses the proceeds to fund its activities.” Mr. Ogle is standing to the side of the panels and is turned toward the class. He has to speak loudly to be heard over the humming of giant fans positioned at intervals across the roof. “Every year the students in the club set aside money to go toward different environmental programs they support. A portion of the funds is also earmarked for purchasing solar panels for the school, so when enough money has accumulated, we get new panels.”

  “What do the panels power?” A boy towards the front asks.

  “With a building this large, three panels can’t do too much, but the energy generated from these panels is able to heat the water used in the cafeteria. The energy gathered over the summer when the cafeteria isn’t used, is sold back to the utility, which gives the school energy credits to use during the school year.”

  I’m standing behind Renee and I have to stop myself from putting my hands on her shoulders and pulling her against me. Her hair is blowing around her head, and strands of it fan across my face. I don’t try to push them away. It’s not that I think she wouldn’t want me to touch her, it’s just that this isn’t really the place. But I’ve only seen her alone once since Sunday because of soccer practice and Sectional games this week. Now that the tournament has started, I don’t have much free time between soccer and homework to see her. We studied together at the library on Tuesday, but there wasn’t much opportunity to be alone. She just gave me a quick kiss goodbye when I dropped her off. It feels awful that things aren’t right between us, and I miss being with her. I don’t know what I can do to make it better. Especially since I still don’t like her hanging out with Miles and I can’t say anything.

  Will elbows me in the side to get my attention. “Nice shut out against Winchester last night. Now it’s just Regionals and Semi-State to get to the Final. Think we can do it?”

  “Thanks.” Soccer’s the only thing we talk about now. I played a decent game against Winchester, but there wasn’t really much for me to do. And I was playing more by rote than by instinct. I’ve been questioning the whole collective consciousness stuff, and it’s making me over-think everything in the goal. Fortunately, our defense did its job, shutting down Winchester’s offense so I only had a few big saves to make. And I did save them. It wasn’t much of a contest—we won four to nothing. “Bloomfield’s our next match and they’re tough, but yeah, I think we can do it. We’ve got the players … I think we definitely have a chance at State this year.”

  Mr. Ogle is still talking. “I’m sure you’re aware that the high school doesn’t have a lot of windows.” Some of the kids up front nod in agreement. “What you may not know is that it’s because the school was renovated and expanded back in the 1970s during the energy crisis. Not having windows was an attempt to lower energy costs. But it’s like going to school in a box. No natural light.”

  “Totally!” someone shouts out.

  “I think solar panels are a much better energy saving program, as they allow the school to create its own energy. The roof is the perfect place for solar panels because it’s flat and tall and they can’t be seen from the ground.” Yet another alternative to burning fossil fuel. Why wouldn’t you embrace these other energy sources? It just requires the initial investment. I guess change is hard for people. I know there are tax credits for green energy, but maybe if there were stricter penalties for polluting that were actually enforced, there would be more incentive to change. Mr. Ogle continues talking about solar energy for another few minutes and then we go back to the classroom where he finishes the lecture.

  Instead of sitting in the back where he and Will usually sit, Cole takes the seat across the aisle from Renee. When the bell rings and everyone starts gathering up their stuff, he leans over to her and say
s, “I reiterate my offer of an evening out if you ever want to dump this guy here.” He jabs his thumb in my direction. “He can act pretty stupid sometimes.”

  Renee looks quizzically from Cole to me, probably wondering what I told Cole about our fight. I haven’t actually told him anything. He’s just perceptive enough to pick up on the tension between us. Maybe he’s trying to be funny, or maybe he’s trying to help in his screwed-up way, I don’t care. I just know that I have to keep it light and not get pissed at him even though I want to strangle him at the moment.

  “Thanks, Cole, I’ll, ah, keep that in mind,” Renee says in a way that’s nice, but also totally blowing him off. I let out a breath of air that I didn’t realize I was holding in.

  “I’ll see you later, Cole,” I say pointedly. But what I really mean is—leave now.

  “Don’t forget—applications for the internship have to be turned in by Monday,” Mr. Ogle calls out. “Interviews will be scheduled after fall break.”

  I take a step closer to Renee. “Maybe we could go to a movie or something tonight,” I ask her. “Are you coming to the Regional game tomorrow?”

  “Do you know if you’re starting?”

  “Coach Swenson hasn’t actually said that he’s going with me in the tournament, but so far I’ve started two games in a row. I hope you can come.”

  “Yes, I’ll be there. And I’d like to go to a movie tonight, too.”

  “Great!” I breathe a sigh of relief. I was half afraid she’d say no. Maybe everything doesn’t totally suck.

  19

  I PUSH MY chair back from the table and take the electrodes off of my forehead. Tonight I’d been able to light up the second bulb on the panel for over five seconds; the longest time yet. Steven is at my side in an instant checking the data records on the computer.