A Funny Thing About Love

by Rebecca Farnworth

  Carmen stared at her friend in disbelief. She was so far in denial. How could she think that getting so drunk you passed out in a park equalled fine? Jess looked like death, she had a purple bruise on her forehead from where she’d fallen, her skin was blotchy and her eyes were bloodshot. Carmen was about to point out that she didn’t seem fine, as diplomatically as possible – that’s if you could be diplomatic about telling your best friend that you thought she was quite possibly an alcoholic – when Jess ploughed on: ‘Sean’s going on and on about how I need to admit that I have a problem with alcohol and go to rehab, but I think that’s his problem! Not mine. I know I need to cut back, but who doesn’t?’

  ‘So are you going to rehab?’ Carmen asked, wincing as the lyrics to Amy Winehouse’s song popped up in her head. How shallow was she?

  About as shallow as Jess apparently, as Jess sang back, ‘They tried to make me go to rehab, I say no, no, no.’ Or maybe it was gallows humour.

  Jess snapped out of it. ‘I’ve promised to cut back and we’re going to see how it goes. I just hate the way Sean puts it all on me. He doesn’t get that one of the reasons why I drink is because he is so miserable to live with.’

  Carmen inched one foot on to the minefield. ‘Are you sure he isn’t miserable because of you drinking too much?’

  It was carnage. The comment blew up spectacularly as Jess went off on one. ‘God, Carmen, I thought you would be on my side! My best friend! And you drink loads as well, so don’t come all moral fucking high ground with me!’ She shoved the cafetiere plunger down so violently that coffee spurted up like a geyser. ‘Oh fuck!’ Jess yelled as hot coffee went all over her jumper. Carmen went to help her. ‘No, it’s okay, I’ll get changed. Could you just pour me a coffee – or do you think I drink too much coffee as well?’ Jess sniped. And with that she stormed up the stairs.

  Kitty Kitty shot past Carmen like an orange cannonball, clearly put out by the noise, and, pausing only to glare at her, squeezed her offended orangeness through the cat flap. Carmen shrugged and said out loud, ‘So shoot me, I’m a dog person.’ She mopped up the coffee and poured a mug for herself and Jess, and then sat down at the table. She was beginning to wish she’d had that quickie with Daniel if Jess was going to bite her head off like this.

  She had almost finished her coffee when Jess returned, looking more upbeat. ‘Sorry I yelled at you,’ she said as she breezed in, smelling of Clinique’s Happy. She sat down opposite Carmen and reached for her coffee. ‘I had such an ear bashing from Sean and I think I felt ashamed of getting so drunk, but it really is not going to happen again. I was so stressed at work. And anyway, it’s not like I make a habit of it.’

  Carmen didn’t want to risk another outburst so did not remind her that practically every time she had seen her recently she had been drunk, or on the way to being drunk, or recovering from a killer hangover. She stayed for another coffee and then walked back home.

  She was at her front door when she got a call from Daniel. ‘I’m two minutes away, how about I call by? I don’t think I can wait until tonight.’

  ‘Come on round,’ Carmen replied, thinking that was bound to cheer her up.

  But afterwards, as she watched Daniel getting dressed, she couldn’t stop herself from asking, ‘Is it just about sex, then?’

  Daniel stopped buttoning up his shirt. ‘No way! I really like you, Carmen.’ And he walked back to the bed and kissed her.

  ‘Is it just about sex for you?’ he asked as they both came up for air.

  ‘Definitely!’ Carmen joked back.

  ‘Oh.’ Daniel looked genuinely rattled.

  Carmen sat up, holding the sheet to her body. ‘Oh Daniel, I was teasing, I really like you too.’

  Daniel looked relieved. ‘Sorry, I can’t do the joking thing about feelings, not after Imogen.’

  Shit! Why did all roads lead back to her? ‘No, I’m sorry,’ Carmen said softly, and wrapped her arms round Daniel’s neck. ‘I mean it, I really like you.’

  ‘You too,’ Daniel murmured back. ‘Sorry, I’ve got to go. Mrs McDonald’s patio waits for no man. I’ll see you at eight.’

  After he’d gone Carmen flopped back on the pillow, wondering if she and Daniel had missed the moment to reveal that they were in love with each other. ‘Like’ didn’t seem to cover her feelings for Daniel, but then again, did she love him?

  14

  ‘Everybody, this is Carmen,’ Daniel said as Carmen walked into the living room. It was like walking into an antenatal class as Daniel pointed out the women in turn: ‘Ilsa, Julie and Gemma. And of course you know Violet.’ Carmen smiled weakly. Ilsa (wild chestnut curls and a smiley, open face) was about to pop; Julie (blonde bob, good bone structure) was breastfeeding a tiny baby, who Daniel informed her was called Florence, and Gemma (long black hair, petite, looked like a former ballet dancer) was about six months pregnant – and Violet looked like she wanted to dance on Carmen’s grave.

  The women, except Violet, smiled back at Carmen. ‘Oh no! I’m never going to remember all your names,’ Carmen groaned as she sat on the one remaining chair, in front of the two sofas, so she felt a little bit as if she was being interviewed.

  ‘Well, we all know who you are!’ Julie exclaimed. ‘We’ve seen you in the playground.’

  This was so not what Carmen needed. She looked appealingly at Daniel – Save me from trial by the mummy mafia, her eyes pleaded – but at that moment Millie called out and he disappeared upstairs.

  ‘So we finally get to meet hot Dan’s girlfriend,’ Ilsa put in. ‘Oh sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, it’s my hormones.’ Ilsa pushed her wild curls out of her face and gave Carmen an apologetic smile.

  ‘It’s okay, he is hot.’

  ‘He is the only hot man in the playground!’ Gemma declared. ‘Some mornings I forget to say goodbye to my son because I’m too busy staring at him.’ Carmen laughed. The women weren’t so bad after all. She had been expecting clones of Violet, and they seemed infinitely more friendly.

  ‘So where did you meet him?’ Julie asked.

  Carmen had barely replied before Ilsa piped up with a follow-up, then Gemma.

  ‘Of course, we’ve all seen the picture,’ Ilsa said conspiratorially, gently rubbing her bump. ‘So we know that Daniel is way more than a pretty face.’

  There was a pause while Carmen wondered how to respond. Clearly these women didn’t do small talk.

  ‘And there I was thinking we were going to be discussing Atonement!’

  ‘I just need to know one thing,’ Ilsa again. ‘Is he as good as we all think he is? He is, isn’t he? He’s my in-case-of-emergency fantasy, just if Gorgeous George isn’t working.’

  She caught sight of her friends and Carmen staring at her, all wearing identical expressions of shock.

  ‘I’m a pregnant woman! My brain cells have turned to mush, I want to pee all the time and my ankles have swollen up to the size of a baby elephant’s legs. Carmen could surely take pity on me and tell me,’ Ilsa said defiantly. ‘It would be doing a public service.’

  ‘He’s so much better,’ Carmen confided.

  And everyone laughed again, except Violet, who clearly thought a change of subject was in order. ‘So, how are you feeling about the birth, Ilsa?’ she asked briskly. ‘Have you been listening to the relaxation tape I gave you?’

  Ilsa stopped laughing, ‘To be honest, all that whale music makes me feel even more uptight – the Kings of Leon is much more my thing. And I can’t help feeling nervous after what happened last time.’

  Julie interpreted for Carmen: ‘Thirty-six hours of labour, with forceps followed by emergency Caesarian.’

  ‘Josh would like me to book in for an elective C section,’ Ilsa continued.

  ‘But haven’t you read the email I sent you which listed the statistics and experiences of women who have a natural delivery after a C section? Honestly, Ilsa, you can do it!’ Violet sounded as if she was coaching a netball team, which Carmen thought quite wrong under the
circumstances – it wasn’t her vagina in peril!

  ‘Violet is really into natural birth – she had her two at home,’ Julie said. She looked down at the baby still attached to her breast. ‘God, haven’t you finished yet? I’d like to say that breastfeeding has helped me lose weight, but because she is constantly feeding, I’ve been eating even more. I need individual, low-calorie meals to be delivered to me, like a Hollywood star, and for my house to be empty of all other food. What chance have I got with a seven-year-old son who can’t live without Monster Munch and chocolate chip cookies, and a husband who has to have more cheese in the house than bloody Wallace in Wallace & Gromit, even though he knows that I can’t, I simply can’t resist a piece of cheese?’

  Violet was still on at Ilsa. She was such a bully, Carmen thought, why couldn’t she just drop it? What business was it of hers if Ilsa had a C section?

  ‘And you’ll recover so much better if you have a natural birth and be up and about in no time.’

  ‘Actually, I’d quite like to be flat on my back so that Josh might actually pull his finger out and do something! That was the only good thing about having a C section last time.’

  Violet narrowed her eyes and turned her attention to Gemma. ‘What about you, Gemma? Have you thought any more about the home birth?’

  ‘I’m just not up to it, Violet. I know it worked for you, but I’m too scared. I want to be in a hospital surrounded by doctors and a shedload of drugs, like last time.’

  ‘I understand,’ Violet replied, looking as if she did not understand at all, ‘but I think you are missing out. There is something so wonderful about having a baby at home. And it is after all the most natural thing in the world giving birth. Hospitals turn it into a medical procedure.’

  Carmen had recently read an article about the shockingly high number of women in Africa who die in childbirth because of the lack of medical facilities and thought that Violet was being rather too evangelical about something which was surely a personal choice. And now Violet thought Carmen needed drawing out. ‘So, how about you, Carmen? What kind of birth do you think you’ll have?’ The cruel assumption of the fertile that everyone was similarly blessed.

  ‘I really haven’t thought about it,’ Carmen replied flatly. Of all the topics, why did it have to be this one? ‘But if I did have a baby I really wouldn’t mind how it was delivered, just so long as it was healthy, and I definitely wouldn’t think that my birth experience was lessened if I had to have a C section.’ She could see Ilsa giving her the thumbs up behind Violet’s back. ‘I don’t think that you’re a better mother just because you had a natural birth.’ But her confident statement was not going to deter Violet.

  ‘Imogen had Millie at home. Daniel was brilliant, apparently.’

  ‘Did he cut the umbilical cord with his teeth? Roast the placenta and serve it up for tea?’ Carmen’s voice was laced with sarcasm; it was self-preservation. It didn’t help that she was sitting opposite the wall of photographs, testimony to a life that would never be hers.

  ‘He was just very on the ball,’ Julie said quietly. ‘Imogen’s labour progressed rapidly and the midwife wasn’t there when Millie was crowning.’

  ‘That’s when the head is visible from the vagina,’ Violet said to Carmen. ‘Breathing is everything during that stage so you don’t tear.’

  ‘However you bloody breathe your vagina is never the same again,’ Julie said bitterly, ‘whatever anyone says.’

  ‘Pelvic floor exercises,’ Violet said sweetly.

  ‘Take more than that after delivering a ten-pound whopper. I asked Tony did it feel different, you know, when we finally had sex again,’ Julie commented.

  ‘Nine months later!’ Gemma exclaimed.

  ‘A year later!’ Ilsa put in, causing all the women to cackle, giving the witches in Macbeth a run for their money.

  Julie continued, ‘And he said “Oh no,” but he was definitely lying. He was just desperate for me to shag him again.’ More cackling.

  ‘I know Daniel is desperate for a sibling for Millie.’ Bam, Violet’s comment was like a punch in the guts. ‘He’s really close to his brother and sister and wants Millie to have the same experience.’ She was looking directly at Carmen.

  Carmen shrugged, trying her hardest to look un concerned. Channel all the good things, she urged herself, you have Daniel, she doesn’t. But would Daniel want her if he knew the truth about her?

  ‘I’m just going to call the babysitter,’ Violet said, taking her mobile out of her bag and going upstairs.

  Julie waited until she was safely out of earshot before saying quietly, ‘She’s okay most of the time but you have to remember she is deeply insecure.’

  ‘And totally obsessed with Daniel,’ Carmen said gloomily. Violet’s comment had really got to her.

  ‘Well, I think she thought their fling would lead to something more.’

  Her what? No wonder Violet was so possessive. Why the hell hadn’t Daniel told her?

  ‘So when was this fling?’ Carmen asked, speaking very carefully and trying not to betray any emotion.

  ‘Oh Lordy!’ Julie exclaimed, ‘I thought you must know! It was last year; I don’t think it was serious, at least not on Daniel’s part.’

  ‘I can’t believe I’m asking you this, but have there been many others?’

  Julie looked anxious, clearly realising that she was entering a danger zone. ‘Three that I know about, but Daniel’s never seemed as close to anyone as he does to you. Please forget I said anything. I didn’t mean to upset you.’

  At that moment Daniel came back downstairs. All eyes turned to him. ‘So how are you getting on? I thought Atonement was thoughtful, provocative and moving,’ he said as he walked over to where Carmen was sitting and sat cross-legged beside her. ‘I got that from a review I googled,’ he added.

  ‘We hadn’t actually started talking about the book,’ Carmen said quietly.

  Daniel smiled, ‘I bet you were gossiping.’

  If only you knew, Daniel. Violet returned and then for some ten minutes Atonement was discussed (in a nutshell they all loved it, except Violet, who was very angry about the ending being ambiguous) and then conversation turned to Christmas and what was everyone doing, and which children believed in Father Christmas and which didn’t, and was it right to pretend that a man in a red-and-white outfit squeezed himself down your chimney on Christmas Eve? Carmen nodded and forced herself to smile and look animated, but how she longed for them to return to Ian McEwan’s tragic story because, painful and heartbreaking as Atonement was, it had the virtue of being fictional.

  She felt subdued, a dull ache taking over. First the whole baby thing and then the revelation about Violet. Daniel was sweetly attentive to her, trying to draw her into their conversations whenever possible, but as they had turned out to be all about children, that wasn’t easy. She could feel herself slipping into the dark place, never more so than when Julie wanted to nip to the loo and asked Carmen to hold baby Florence. Baby Florence felt surprisingly solid as she nestled in the crook of Carmen’s arm; she was just two months old, dressed in a white sleepsuit with cute brown bears printed on it, with an absolute peach of a face, and she broke Carmen’s heart. It was her survival strategy never to look at a baby and definitely not to touch one, but baby Florence was gazing up at her with her clear blue eyes; Carmen had no choice but to return the gaze.

  I should not be holding a baby, Carmen wanted to say. Don’t you understand? This is very, very bad for me. Everyone was of course oblivious to the battle being waged within her, and when Julie reappeared she whisked baby Florence out of Carmen’s arms as if it had meant nothing.

  She couldn’t wait for the women to leave, but it wasn’t until eleven that they did. She confronted Daniel in the kitchen. The fire had gone out and it was cold. Carmen got straight to the point: ‘Why didn’t you tell me you had a fling with Violet?’

  ‘Oh’, came his reply, ‘who told you?’

  ‘Does it matter? Why
didn’t you tell me? It explains why Violet is so funny with me all the time.’

  ‘I just didn’t think you needed to know. It was something that happened last year and since then we’ve just been friends.’

  ‘I think Violet’s feelings for you are way more than those of a friend!’ Carmen retorted. ‘Anyone can see that! I think she’s in love with you.’ Her arms were folded against the cold and as a defence. She had never felt so angry with Daniel before.

  It was clearly a sentiment he shared as, after a brief pause where he seemed stunned that Carmen should be questioning him, he exclaimed, ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Carmen, you’re completely overreacting. I don’t ask you about your past, so why this intense scrutiny of mine? I fucking hate this kind of thing.’

  Daniel’s handsome face was screwed up with anger, he almost looked plain. He seemed a complete stranger to her. What did she know about this man?

  She shook her head. ‘I’m not having a go at you, Daniel, I just think it would have been good if I’d known about Violet. I mean, God! The poor woman! I had no idea.’

  She thought back to the times she’d been snippy with Violet, the times she had flaunted her relationship with Daniel, and felt awful. ‘But d’you know what, if it’s such a problem, I’ll go.’

  She reached for her jacket and the fight seemed to go out of him. He walked over to her. ‘I’m sorry, Carmen, I shouldn’t have snapped like that. I should have told you about Violet. I guess I feel slightly ashamed. For about a year after Imogen left I did have quite a few affairs, but I want to put all that behind me now with you. I’m sorry.’

  He was back to being the Daniel she thought she knew. ‘Please don’t go.’ He put his hand on her shoulder and said softly, ‘You look so gorgeous tonight, I kept thinking how much I wanted you, couldn’t wait for the others to go.’