Police Humor!

by Oliver Gaspirtz

  San Francisco, California – City supervisor Dan White killed mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk, another supervisor. White's lawyer said that eating a Twinkie had made his blood sugar level rise so high, it caused a psychotic episode. This resulted in the charges against White being dropped from murder one to involuntary manslaughter.

  Chilliwack, British Columbia – Due to overcrowding at the courthouse, jury selection in a manslaughter case was moved to a community center. Unfortunately the community center was already being used for other court business, so the jury selection had to be moved a second time, to the center's men's room. Prosecutor Henry Waldock said: "When you start holding hearings in a bathroom, I fear it may diminish the respect for the justice system in the eyes of the public."

  Cambridge, Massachusetts – During a lecture at the Harvard Law School, Don King, the notorious boxing promoter, moved his audience of future lawyers to a standing ovation, when he declared: "Money is the answer. Go get money!"

  Belfast, Ireland – A lawyer agreed to defend two thieves accused of stealing his BMW.

  Eugene, Oregon – The lawyer of Cathleen Byers, a credit union manager charged with embezzling $630,000 over a six-year period, told the jury that although Byers' hands stole the money, her "heart, mind and spirit" were innocent, because another personality within her took control of her body.

  Wenatchee, Washington – Harley Hudson, a locksmith, sued the city for $250,000. He claimed that the friendly police department is damaging his business by offering free help to people who lock themselves out of their cars.

  Johannesburg, South Africa – Three men pretending to be Liberian royalty were arrested for their attempt to sell black paper to a businessman. They claimed the paper was $1.5 million U.S. Dollars which had to be disguised as black paper in order to be smuggled out of their country. They told the man the true nature of the disguised money would reveal itself as soon as he drank the blood of a slaughtered chicken.

  Albuquerque, New Mexico – Anthony Valencia and Fitzgerald Vandever were arrested at the Presbyterian Hospital for trespassing and stealing patients' food off the warming carts.

  Yuba City, California – At a county probation office picnic, two men tried to steal a barbeque grill but failed, because it was still hot.

  Arlington, Virginia – In an attempt to influence the jury's decision, Oludare Ogunde, on trial for twenty counts of credit card fraud, first asked for mercy. But when that didn't work, Ogunde explained that if he was sent to jail, he would just teach other inmates, hardened criminals, how to commit credit card fraud.

  Tampa, Florida – Dye bombs have been a valuable tool in tracking bank robbers. Brightly colored dye is being hidden in special stacks of money, put aside for the event of a robbery. A few minutes after the robber leaves, the bomb explodes and the money as well as the perpetrator is covered with dye, which can only be washed off with special chemicals. Bank executives in Tampa recently stated that they may stop using the dye, for fear of getting sued by a robber if he gets hurt by the exploding dye bomb.

  Townson, Maryland – Currently serving a 50-year prison sentence for kidnapping his former employer Abel Caplan and forcing him to cash a $14,000 retirement plan, and to buy thousands of dollars worth of jewelry and designer clothes for him, David Kirk Chakoaty Xavier sued Caplan for $288 in back pay. Xavier felt he still deserved to get paid for the eight days of work prior to kidnapping his boss.

  TOP TEN BEST THINGS TO DO WITH A CAREER CRIMINAL

  1. Murderers: Let them choose one of two "early retirement plans" – lethal injection or the electric chair.

  2. Rapists: Make them wear pink tutus for the duration of their next prison term.

  3. Robbers: Make them pay for room and board.

  4. Drug dealers: Let them perform their own body cavity searches, while everyone watches.

  5. Drunken drivers: Decorate their cells with pictures of their victims.

  6. Terrorists: Implant a homing device behind their left ear, and an explosive behind their right.

  7. Arsonists – Use them for scientific experiments and medical research.

  8. Child molesters: Stop them from reproducing by having them spayed or neutered by a veterinarian.

  9. Cop killers: Use them as live organ donors.

  10. Corrupt politicians: Introduce them to Islamic law and let med students get some practice by amputating whatever body part it was that they used to commit their crimes.

  Lansing, Michigan – Chris Morris claimed to have caught a cold at the state's Capitol building and sued the state for $1 million. Morris said a visit to an art exhibit in the drafty Capitol rotunda left him with "a cold and a hard cough."

  Morristown, New Jersey – Richard Kreimer was kicked out of a public library, because he had strong body odor. He filed a lawsuit, claiming the library had violated his civil rights. He won and was awarded $230,000.

  Oklahoma – Inmate William Waren accused prison officials of cruel and unusual punishment when they refused to let him wear womens' bikini panties instead of standard issue white cotton jockeys.

  Missouri – Mike Marcum, the man who stole six power company transformers in 1995, because he believed he needed them to build a time machine, travel into the future, watch the lottery and return to the present to buy a winning ticket, called a radio show in October 1996 to announce that he was only one month away from completing his invention.

  Leeds, England – In a retrial, police officer Andrew Whitfield was acquitted of stealing an ordinary calculator worth about $4. The cost of the original mistrial, the retrial, and Whitfield's 14 months of paid suspension required by law totaled $158,000.

  New York, New York – Carlos Diaz, nicknamed the "zucchini bandit" by the press for allegedly using a cucumber-shaped squash as a weapon in a mugging, was facing a fourth trial after the first three trials ended in mistrials or hung juries.

  Petaluma, California – A homeowner was arrested for hitting a burglar with a baseball bat.

  Wisconsin – Nadine Cool sued her psychiatrist Kenneth Olson for allegedly convincing her that she suffered from multiple personality disorder with over 120 separate personalities including a duck, Satan, as well as various angels talking to God. Blue Cross and Blue Shield United of Wisconsin joined Cool in her lawsuit after having paid more than $152,000 in medical bills to the psychiatrist for "group therapy."

  Calgary, Alberta – A man armed with a bottle of ordinary household cleaner robbed a branch office of the bank of Nova Scotia.

  Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – During the 1996 Christmas season, a man entered a grocery store and bought two light bulbs. He returned several minutes later and attempted to exchange one of the bulbs, claiming that it had been defective when he bought it. The store owner said the bad bulb was not one of the two he had sold and refused to exchange it. The customer pulled out a gun and shot the owner, hitting him in the leg. The owner returned fire and hit the customer in the neck. Both men had to be hospitalized.

  Woburn, Massachusetts – In August 1996, police investigated complaints about the Anchor Baptist Church. The church allegedly lured kids from a nearby housing project by promising them pizza and then baptized them without their parents' permission.

  Oakland, Calfornia – A man claimed to have been rescued from drowning by a guardian angel. To share his near-death experience and to enlighten others, he started selling postcards depicting a photograph of footprints the angel supposedly left behind in the sand when he came to the man's rescue, at a bargain price of only $3.95 per card.

  Rogers, Arkansas – 25-year-old Johnny Nichols was arrested for knocking on the doors of several homes in the middle of the night, asking if anyone was interested in trading drugs or sex for the stash of dynamite he had in his car.

  Lancaster, Ohio – According to the Criminal Justice and Training Digest, a man named Larry Harris pleaded guilty in April 1997 to receiving bubonic plague bacteria through the mail, but said that he never intended to hurt anyone with
it.

  Pearl River, Louisiana – A woman called police to report that someone had broken into her house. The burglar had not stolen anything, but had brought her kitchen garbage out on the porch and had cleaned all her ashtrays.

  Chevy Chase, Maryland – On Christmas morning, a couple called 911, because they heard an intruder in their living room. Neither the sirens of approaching police cars nor the officers who rushed into the house with their guns drawn seemed to bother the stranger, who was sitting under the couple's Christmas tree, joyfully opening presents.

  Long Island, New York – John Ford and Joseph Mazzachelli allegedly tried to kill local politicians for being involved in a UFO cover-up. The two men supposedly planned to slowly poison them with radiation. Among the weapons found in their homes were five canisters of radium. They were charged with second-degree conspiracy to commit murder.

  Baltimore, Maryland – A 33-year-old burglar was arrested on Christmas morning after getting stuck in a chimney through which he had attempted to enter a convenience store.

  According to ABC's World News Tonight, inmates have found a new way to harm society even from inside their prison cells. One prisoner sued New York officials over a bad haircut. Another inmate filed a lawsuit seeing damaged for melted ice cream. The New York Attorney General's office commented that 95% of all these lawsuits filed by inmates are groundless. It was estimated that these frivolous legal actions cost tax payers $100 million per year.

  TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A COP

  1. You need at least eight hours of sleep every night.

  2. Sirens give you a headache.

  3. You can't drive really fast, check a license plate on your in-car computer, talk on the radio, and drink coffee, all at the same time.

  4. When you see trouble brewing, your first reaction is to call 911.

  5. When you get nervous, you have to pee, so you secretly wear adult diapers, just in case it's going to be a busy night.

  6. You're being called for back-up, but you don't go because it's too dangerous.

  7. At the scene of a riot, you refuse to get out of the car until the crowd thins out.

  8. A woman gives birth in the street and you give her a ticket for littering.

  9. You think frisking people and giving mouth-to-mouth to someone of your own gender is politically incorrect.

  10. You are a bleeder and you faint at the sight of a papercut.

  Houston, Texas – David Lynn kidnapped two women, ordered them to buy him twinkies, and then forced them to accompany him in his car while he drove up and down the streets of a residential neighborhood to admire the Christmas decorations. He was arrested and sentenced to 30 years in prison.

  According to Dr. Henry Heimlich, the food most likely to cause a person to choke is peanut butter.

  According to a British insurance company, twice as many cars are stolen in the U.K. than anywhere else in Europe. In England and Wales, a car is stolen every minute.

  According to a study conducted by the American Institute for Biosocial Research, painting prison cells pink instead of gray reduces aggression among inmates. Inmates placed in a pink cell in San Jose, California, showed no aggressive behavior.

  According to a statistic published in Police magazine, the people in the United States consume about 70% of all the drugs used in the world.

  According to the Federal Reserve, phony checks were responsible for $615 million stolen from banks in 1995, compared to only $59 million stolen during bank robberies.

  TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR K-9 PARTNER IS GETTING TOO INTIMATE

  1. Lunch usually consists of a pizza topped with one half meatballs and the other half kibble.

  2. You demand your K-9 buddy gets a locker, too.

  3. In case there's an emergency, you carry a wee-wee pad wherever you go.

  4. You get a kick out of asking him how his day was, and he always answers "ruff."

  5. He is the only one who laughs at your jokes.

  6. Out of habit, you start scratching your spouse's belly during tender moments.

  7. For Christmas you knit a little doggy uniform and buy doggy boots to keep his paws warm.

  8. For Valentine's Day you fill a heart-shaped box with doggy treats.

  9. At training class, you pass him love notes under the desk.

  10. You want to have his puppies.

  According to American Police Beat, you are most likely to witness a bank robbery, if you happen to be in a bank in California on a Friday morning between 9 am and 11 am.

  Queens, New York – A frantic woman called 911, because she was being terrorized by a squirrel that had made its way through a window into the woman's kitchen.

  Billings, Montana – Police officers were sent to investigate complaints about a man who was keeping rats in his motel room. The man greeted the officers by opening fire. The police and fire crews had to use tear gas and a water cannon to finally subdue the man who had been observed kissing one of the rats and referring to them as "my brothers."

  Loveland, Colorado – Two men stole five hedgehogs from a pet store.

  Paris, France – After a woman committed suicide, her husband sued the owner of a pitbull. The pitbull had torn up the woman's little Yorkshire terrier named Hercules. The husband claimed his wife never recovered from the shock of losing Hercules, fell into a deep depression and attempted suicide twice, before finally succeeding.

  Guthrie, Oklahoma – A man was hospitalized with a fractured skull, after encouraging his friend to shoot a rifle at an insect. The bullet ricocheted and hit the young man above his right eye.

  Sabah, Malaysia – Every month, one or two orangutans disappeared from the Sepilok Nature Rehabilitation Park. Investigators found several of the missing young apes in the homes of childless plantation workers. The workers had dressed the apes in toddler's clothes and shaved their heads to make them look human.

  Rio Preto, Brazil – Police investigated complaints from store owners who mysteriously received phone bills of $27,000. After a six-month surveillance, a man was arrested who had been breaking into the stores at night to have phone sex.

  Yellowstone Park, Wyoming – An elderly couple stopped their car near Dunraven Pass to videotape some bears. A baby bear on the search for food climbed into their car and made himself at home in the backseat. After several futile attempts to make the bear leave, the couple decided to get help. They drove 17 miles to the ranger station at Canyon Village. While the husband was in the station to report the incident, the young bear climbed over into the driver's seat. The rangers found the bear behind the steering wheel and the woman in the passenger seat.

  Sirnak, Turkey – Thieves stole the 210 pairs of shoes left in front of the Vali Kamil Acun mosque. Muslim worshippers must take off their shoes before entering a mosque.

  Bejing, China – In 1994, more than 2,000 manhole covers were stolen by the homeless, who could sell them for about $12 each. In the same year, more than 200 people were injured falling down open manholes.

  Bacolod, Philippines – A gang of thieves dug up numerous graves to steal corpses' kneecaps, which are believed by some Filipinos to have magical powers when ground up into a powder and burned in front of a house. The smoke supposedly puts the residents into a deep sleep. The gang wanted to put sleeping spells on their victims to rob them.

  Wandsworth, England – In 1993, Karl Watkin was sentenced to 18 months in prison for pretending to have sex with a sidewalk. In April 1996, he was convicted of gross indecency and sentenced to 6 years in prison for simulating intercourse with garbage bags. In September, he committed suicide in his cell.

  Orlando, Florida – Juvenile Court judge Walter Komanski was reassigned to finance cases, after being caught using a computer in the courthouse to surf the web and print images from porn sites. To explain why he kept porn videos and magazines in his office cabinet, judge Komanski said that as the responsible parent of teenage boys, he didn't want his children to find his porno colle
ction at home.

  New York, New York – Police officials investigated whether or not male officers peeked into the locker room for female supervisors through a tiny gap that was found in the doorway moulding.

  London, England – Vicky Lee, a 26-year-old actress and model, was pulled over for a DUI. When she had no means of identification, she suggested the officers should check out the latest issue of Penthouse, which revealed more than just her identity. An officers was dispatched to buy a copy. Lee, who pleaded guilty to drunk driving, was fined $550 and banned from driving for 18 months.

  Singapore – Chewing gum is illegal. The maximum fine for bringing a stick of gum into the country is $10,000.

  Nanning, China – Anyone who orders more food in a restaurant than he or she can eat will be fined $1.50.

  Michigan – In 1994, a man was sentenced to 75 days in jail for secretly videotaping guests using his bathroom.