Before Now (Sometimes Never)

by Cheryl McIntyre

  My skin grows wet from her tears and I’m at a loss for words. Nothing I can say will make this better. And as horrible as I feel, I can’t stop being grateful it wasn’t her.

  ***

  Lucy hasn’t let go of the sonogram since the doctor placed it in her hand. She even holds it now while she sleeps, wrapped securely in Bree’s arms. It seems to be the only thing keeping her together.

  I close the door lightly after checking on her for the tenth time since I got her home.

  “How is she?” Guy whispers.

  “Sleeping,” I say as I lower myself into the armchair. I rub my face, the exhaustion finally starting to hit me. We spent several hours at the hospital, then a couple more at the police station before we were able to come home. Lucy showered and passed out almost immediately.

  “What the hell happened?” Chase asks.

  I’ve heard the story several times now through Lucy’s recounts to the cops, but I still can’t believe it.

  “The guy came in to rob the place,” I say, my eyes flicking to the bedroom door to verify I shut it. “He had a loaded gun.” I have to stop again, this time to take a breath because even though I know she wasn’t hurt, what could have been fills my head.

  “He got all the money he could and made the girls get on the ground. He was getting ready to leave, I guess, but the cook came out to see what all the yelling was about. Lucy said it startled the guy and the gun just went off.” I shudder as I say the words. It could have been her. A few inches to the left and it would have been Lucy’s head struck by a bullet.

  I shove myself out of the chair and grab my keys. “Stay here until I get back,” I tell Guy. “I don’t want her waking up and wondering where I am. Not after… Not after what she saw.”

  “Where’re you going?” he asks.

  “I need a cigarette. But don’t tell her that. I quit.” I squeeze the keys in my palm. “Or I did. I will. I just need a smoke or a drink right now and I think a cigarette is the lesser of the evils.”

  “I’ll get them,” Chase offers. “You need to be here when she wakes up.”

  I nod. He’s right.

  I hand him my wallet and sink back into the chair. I can’t stop thinking about it. Wondering what I’d do if something had happened to Lucy. To Lucy and the baby. There’s no way I would make it. Now that she’s become part of my life, I don’t want to live it without her.

  “How are you doing?” Guy says, snapping me out of my dark thoughts. “Looked like I was losing you.”

  I shake my head. “I have fifty different notions running a marathon through my head, and none of them are good.”

  His eyes rake over my face as he silently regards me. As I look back at him, it occurs to me that I more than likely wouldn’t have ever met Lucy had it not been for our fight the night I tried to call Hope.

  The more I think about it, the more I start to realize. “If I had never met Lucy, she wouldn’t be pregnant right now,” I say. “She probably wouldn’t have been working tonight because she wouldn’t have felt the need to pick up an extra shift.”

  I drop my head into my hands. I can keep going back, farther and farther, all the people that would be better off if I had never walked into their lives.

  “So you think she’d be better off to lose her friend and you and the baby?” He sits forward now, mirroring me. “You can’t know what could have happened if something was different. Stop having a pity party for one.” He points his slender finger at me and leans back. “She loves you and the baby. And you’re both better people because of it.”

  I don’t respond. I quietly consider his words, trying to decide if there’s any truth to them. In the end, I recognize the fact that it doesn’t matter. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I am. But it just doesn’t matter because the simple truth is this: Lucy and I could have walked different paths, but we didn’t. And nobody can be sure that had we taken different roads our paths wouldn’t have crossed again at some point.

  Life lesson number 13: Focus on what is—not what could have been.

  45

  Lucy

  “Would you like to know the sex of your baby?”

  I glance at Park. His gaze is intent on the small screen. They hadn’t been able to tell during my first ultrasound. I think it was better that way because I couldn’t have appreciated it at the time.

  “Yes,” I say. “I want to know.”

  Park’s hand finds mine as the technician turns back to the monitor. “I’m obligated to tell you there’s a chance I’m wrong,” she says, “but I’m 99% sure you’re having a girl.”

  My eyes instantly fill. Park’s hand tightens around mine.

  “We’re having a girl,” he says, his tone so soft I barely make out his words. His eyes drop to mine and he grins. “You were right.” He leans in, placing a quick kiss on my lips before he returns all his attention to the screen. “A girl,” he says again.

  “You have a name picked out?”

  “Emari Kimberly Reed,” I tell her. I try to fight off the memories from a month ago, but I fail miserably as images of the funeral flood my thoughts. I still have nightmares. I’m not sure they’ll ever go away. My next breath is more difficult and the tears that trail down my cheeks are for a different reason.

  “That’s beautiful,” she says.

  “Thank you,” Park says for me because I can’t speak right now. He slides his thumb under my eye, trying to dry away the salty trail. I catch his hand and hug it to my chest.

  ***

  Jess pops the lid on the paint can, his brows crinkling as he leans back to read the label. “It’s blue.”

  “It’s sky blue,” I say.

  “Lucy doesn’t want the baby to be surrounded by gender stereotyping,” Park explains.

  “But…it’s blue,” Jessie repeats.

  I sigh. “Sky blue. And her bedding’s pink. Just because she’s a girl doesn’t mean she needs everything pink.”

  Park grins at me. “Damn straight. I want a tomboy. That way I don’t have to worry about kicking some kid’s ass that steps out of line. She’ll be able to do that on her own.”

  “We should do a rainbow on one wall,” Bree says eagerly. “That way she can have a lot of color.” She folds her hands under her chin, bouncing on her toes. “Please? Can we? I’ll do all the work. Pretty please?”

  I laugh, my palm resting against my belly. I look to Park and he shrugs. “Fine,” I agree. “But you’re in charge of it. I’m going to go read a book.”

  “If you find Guy out there, tell him to get his ass in here and help,” Park says.

  I open the door and look up, meeting Guy’s eyes. He raises his finger to his lips, shaking his head. “Yeah,” I call. “I’ll tell him.”

  Holding up a box, Guy gestures me to follow him. “Donuts. I need some sugar before I’m put to work.” He hands me one as we settle onto the couch. “How’d Chase get out of this, anyway?”

  I shrug. “He didn’t. He’s just not here yet.”

  “Lucy, baby, can you come check this color?” Park yells.

  I groan. I just sat down. Guy jumps up, offering me his hand, and I take it appreciatively. I don’t know why I need to check the color. It looked fine in the can.

  I push the door open to the nursery and step inside, my gaze shifting from wall to wall, not seeing any fresh paint. “Where?” I ask. I turn around and Park’s on one knee, a small velvet box in his hand.

  “Right here.” He opens the box and I gasp. “What do you think? Is this white gold or silver? I can never tell the difference.”

  “That’s…beautiful,” I murmur behind my fingertips.

  He grins. “I’m glad you think so.” I watch him, paralyzed as he removes the ring from the box and stretches out his hand. “I know you want to wait, and I can wait. As long as this is on your finger.” His dark eyes meet mine, crinkling at the corners as he smiles widely. “Lucy, I love you. Will you let me call you Mrs. Reed?”

  I nod my head. “Yes.” />
  Park stands up, positioning the ring onto my finger and envelops me in a hug. “One more time, just so I’m perfectly clear.”

  “Yes,” I say. “Absolutely yes.”

  “I’m throwing the damn bridal shower,” Bree announces. “I don’t care what Mary says this time.”

  Epilogue

  Park

  One year later

  “I can’t get over how cute she is,” Annie says as she gazes at my baby girl sitting happily on my lap. “I never thought you could make something this precious.”

  “I don’t take credit for this.” I wiggle Emari’s chin, causing her to smile up at me. “She looks just like her mommy.”

  Annie nods in agreement. “Everything but the hair.”

  “She needs to eat,” Lucy says as Chase spins her on the dance floor. “Vegetables,” she adds breathlessly.

  “Yes, ma’am, Mrs. Reed.” Damn I like calling her that. “Mommy’s no fun,” I say pressing a kiss to Emari’s cheek. “We like Tutti Frutti Dessert, don’t we?” Grabbing my lip with her tiny fingers, she squeals and I take that as her agreement. “Tutti Frutti it is,” I say. “When Mommy’s not looking.”

  “I heard that,” Lucy calls over her shoulder.

  I chuckle as I lean over, digging through the diaper bag. I grab the jar and position Emari on the table in front of me. Today is a special occasion. My little girl should get to enjoy it too. I offer her the first bite, which she takes enthusiastically. This is why she’s a daddy’s girl. I peek over at Lucy to make sure she’s not paying attention before slipping the second bite into my own mouth. They should seriously make this shit for adults. I’d buy it in bulk.

  “Everyone’s gone,” Bree says as she drops into the chair beside me. “My maid of honor duties are officially over.” Jessie takes a seat beside her and she places her feet onto his lap with a sigh.

  “I can’t believe the entire day went off without a hitch,” he says.

  “Except for Park having to hold Emari while they exchanged their vows,” Bree points out.

  What can I say? The girl has me wrapped tightly around her little finger. I couldn’t just stand by, listening to her fuss when I knew all she wanted was for her daddy to hold her. So I vowed to love Lucy until the day I die with our daughter in my arms. I can’t imagine doing it any other way.

  Bree takes the jar from my hand, checking the label. Her eyes flick over to Lucy before she sticks her finger in, claiming some for herself.

  Jessie makes a face and she shrugs, unabashed. I look past them, watching as Chase and Mason exchange dance partners. For just a second, my chest tightens when Lucy moves happily into Mason’s arms, but her ring catches the light, and I let out the breath I was holding.

  “At least Lulu’s little brother didn’t bite anybody,” Guy chimes in as he sits across from me.

  Ozzy. That little zombie wannabe. I shake my head, chuckling lightly. “And nobody got kicked out this time.”

  Everybody laughs and Annie’s eyebrows lift in question.

  “Hey,” Hope trills. “You better not be blaming me again.”

  “Wait.” Annie laughs. “What the hell did I miss?”

  “Hope got us thrown out of the hospital when Lulu had the baby,” Guy says, filling her in.

  Annie throws her hands up. “I didn’t hear anything about this. You got kicked out of a hospital?”

  “We were all hungry,” Hope says defensively. She sinks into a seat, gearing up to defend herself.

  I roll my eyes. “You ordered pizza and had it delivered to the maternity ward,” I say flatly. “Did it ever occur to you that women in labor may not appreciate that?”

  “I. Was. Hungry,” she says again. “We had been there all day.”

  “In her defense,” Mason says as he joins the table, “that pizza was delicious.”

  “It really was,” Hope agrees. “And the nurses wouldn’t have been half as angry if Ozzy hadn’t bitten the doctor.”

  “I can’t believe you didn’t hear this story,” Jessie tells Annie. “Epic.”

  “Chase didn’t give me details,” she huffs. “All he said was Lucy had the baby, it was a girl, and they were both okay. That’s it. He didn’t tell me any of this.”

  “So he didn’t tell you the part where he wept uncontrollably at the first sight of Park’s offspring?” Guy asks, chuckling.

  “Dude,” Chase breathes as he falls into a chair. “Park cried too.”

  I grin. “My kid, dude. That’s all I’m saying.”

  “Screw you guys,” he says, ripping the tie from his collar. “I’m not ashamed. She was so sweet, all wrapped up in her little blanket… Nobody could look at that face and not be moved to tears.”

  Hope holds her hand up. “I didn’t cry.”

  “I didn’t either,” Jessie adds with a smirk. “But that’s just because I actually own a set of balls.”

  “Whatever,” Chase grunts. He takes Emari’s hand, shaking it gently. “She’s an angel and I regret nothing.”

  “Hell yeah she is,” I state in full agreement.

  Lucy makes her way over, her dress bunched in her hands, and I know she can’t wait to take it off. And then I smirk at her because I can’t wait for her to take it off either. She catches my devious smile and winks as she takes the last open spot at the table. Emari stretches, reaching for Lucy immediately, and I hand her over. Watching my wife bounce our daughter in her lap, I kind of feel like crying now. That’s my whole life right there. I didn’t think I could ever love someone more than I love Lucy, but the all-encompassing love a parent feels for a child is like nothing I even knew existed until the day Emari was born. No matter how deep my devotion runs for Lucy, there is this unexplainable and undeniable attachment to my daughter.

  Even though she’s only been in the world for seven months, it feels like Emari has always been a part of my life. And I can’t fathom anything different now.

  “So did you go natural or did you get an epidural?” Annie asks and every single one of us loses it. Emari looks around with wide eyes and an unsure half smile, startled by the outburst.

  “Yes, Lulu,” Bree sings, batting her eyelashes. “How long did you last Miss I’m-Having-A-Natural-Childbirth?”

  “I blame Park for that,” she says, jetting her chin out stubbornly.

  I lean toward Annie, gaining her full attention. “Okay, this is how it went down. Lucy made me promise that no matter what she said—no matter how much she begged—I wouldn’t let her get an epidural.”

  Annie nods, resting her chin on her interlocked fingers.

  “Her water broke around five in the morning. By noon, there’s still no baby, but Lucy’s been in labor for seven hours. I’ve watched her, laying there in pain, listened to her cuss and cry for hours—”

  “I was cussing because it was only the second time I had met your mom. The first time you were unconscious in the hospital and the second I was in the hospital having your child,” Lucy mutters. “That was awkward to say the least.”

  “So,” I continue, ignoring that because I honestly have no defense, “I didn’t stop her from getting the damn epidural.” I shrug as I pick up my glass of water and take a drink. “But she was so sweet after the drugs kicked in.”

  “The first time I said I wanted it, he caved,” Lucy adds. “He didn’t even try to stop me. And I wasn’t sweet. I was high.”

  “He caved because he likes his vital organs attached to his body,” Bree says.

  “You threaten to rip off one appendage in the heat of the moment and nobody ever forgets,” Lucy sighs.

  Hope nods, flinging her hands in the air. “I know, right?”

  Guy chuckles. “Lucy Lu, you were pretty damn scary.”

  She narrows her eyes. “There was a person coming out of my vagina. Until you can say the same, no judgment.”

  I have nothing to say to that because seriously, she has a valid point, but Guy cringes and Bree makes a strangled sound deep in her throat.

&
nbsp; “So,” Annie says, looking for a subject change. “I heard a rumor about you, Park.”

  “Yeah, I want to see it,” Jessie says, leaning into my view.

  “What?”

  “The tattoo. I have to see it with my own eyes.”

  Oh, that. I smirk at Jessie and start unbuttoning my shirt.

  “I have to get a picture to document this. Park Reed permanently inked his body with not one, but two girls’ names.”

  “Me too,” Annie seconds.

  I slip out of the dress shirt and lift my tee, exposing my chest. “Document away,” I say as they each snap a photo of Lucy and Emari’s names displayed proudly over my heart.

  Lucy stands with Emari held snugly to her chest. Before she can move away, I drop my shirt and pull her into my lap, lacing my fingers through hers.

  She looks over at Chase, inclining toward Annie. All of his attention is focused on her every word. “I can’t figure out if they’re together or not.”

  “Chase and Annie?” I laugh dryly. “They’re like brother and sister. They usually hate one another.”

  Lucy shoots me a doubtful look. “They don’t look at each other like siblings.”

  “Boys are so clueless,” Bree sighs.

  “Completely blind,” Hope adds.

  I glance back and forth, from Annie to Chase. They haven’t heard a word we’ve said about them. I chuckle, squeezing Lucy’s hand, and drawing her attention back to me. “I see you.”

  She grins, bringing her lips to my ear. “I love you,” she whispers.

  I kiss her neck, letting my lips linger. And then I nod as I inhale her scent. “I love you, Lucy. You don’t even know how much. You make happy. I was miserable before you. Since we’ve been together, before now, everything has been incredible. But now—now that you’re my wife, I’m pretty damn blissful.”

  “Blissful is good.”

  “Hell yeah. It’s perfect.”