Five Years Gone

by Marie Force

  “I’m so excited to have everyone home for the day,” she says, keeping one arm around Eric.

  “What can I do to help?” I ask her.

  “Oh, nothing. Bob and I have it covered. Go on outside and enjoy the day. Eric, Dad has the Jet Skis ready if you want to take Ava for a ride before we eat.”

  “Our part of the Hudson is the clean part,” Eric says, smiling. “Want to take a spin?”

  “Sure, that sounds like fun.”

  “Show her where she can change in the pool house, Eric,” Mrs. Tilden says before she goes back to chopping cucumbers.

  I find it interesting that other than hello, the governor doesn’t say anything to us.

  “Is your dad always so quiet?” I ask Eric when we’re outside on the huge deck that overlooks the Hudson. The artfully arranged seating areas remind me of a Frontgate catalog, right down to the outdoor carpeting, pillows and copper fire pit.

  “He can hardly get a word in edgewise when my mom gets going.” He leads me around an in-ground pool to a smaller shingled building. “You can change in there and leave your stuff there, too.”

  He’s wearing board shorts and a T-shirt, so he doesn’t need to change.

  “I’ll be quick.”

  “Take your time.”

  I change into the bikini and cover-up I brought and slather on sunscreen so I won’t be bright red by the end of the day. I capture my hair into a ponytail and put a Yankees ball cap on over it.

  I find Eric sitting with his feet in the pool while he waits for me.

  “Ready.”

  He turns to look up at me. “Oh no. No, no, no.”

  “What?” I ask, alarmed.

  “Yankees? No. Just no. We’re Mets people.”

  “Um, your dad is the governor of all of New York, including the Yankees part.”

  “No, he asked them not to vote for him.”

  “Shut up,” I say, laughing. “He did not.”

  He stands and faces me. “I knew there had to be something about you that wasn’t perfect.”

  My face heats with embarrassment and the tingle of desire I’m becoming used to when he’s around.

  He tugs on my hat, playfully scowls at me and then takes my hand to lead me to the dock where a gorgeous wooden sailboat is tied up. We go down a ramp to a floating dock where two Jet Skis are tied next to a rubber dinghy with an outboard engine.

  Eric removes his shirt, giving me my first glimpse at a muscular chest with a fine coating of gold hair. He hands me a life jacket and gets on one of the Jet Skis.

  I remove the cover-up and don the life jacket.

  “You have to hold on tight so you don’t fall off,” he says with a grin.

  “Are you in cahoots with your mother to get my hands all over you?”

  “Hardly, but if the result is your hands all over me, I’m good with that.”

  I laugh a lot when I’m with him, even when my heart is heavy and burdened by the things I need to tell him later. Attempting to be somewhat graceful, I take the hand he offers, get on the Jet Ski and let him direct me on where to put my hands—under the lower edge of his life jacket on his abdomen, which ripples under my palms.

  “You ready?” he asks over his shoulder.

  “Yep.”

  “Don’t let go.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

  Laughing, he fires up the Jet Ski, unties it from the dock and accelerates into the river. The ride is thrilling. I lose all sense of time as we fly over the water, jumping waves from other boats and having a complete blast. It’s the most fun I’ve had in years, and it gets even better when Rob and Camille join us on the other Jet Ski and we race over the water next to each other.

  Eric jumps a wave, and I scream as we catch air. We land with a huge splash of cold water.

  “That,” he says, “was awesome.”

  “Oh my God! I almost peed my pants!” I forget this is a new relationship when the words fly right through my filter.

  He loses it laughing. “Glad you managed to hold it in.”

  “Just barely.”

  Rob sends a wall of water our way, and when we can see again, he and Camille are hysterically laughing.

  “Bastards,” Eric shouts. “This is war.”

  I’m not sure how I feel about being part of a Jet Ski war, but I’m not consulted before Eric takes off in hot pursuit of his brother.

  We arrive back at the dock some time later, soaking wet and weak from laughing. Eric ties up the Jet Ski and gets off, extending his hand to help me. As I take his outstretched hand, I realize I haven’t thought of John in hours, and surely that must be a record. It’s nice to have something else—and someone else—to think about.

  Eric helps me out of the life jacket and takes a good long look at me in the bikini. Leaning in so he won’t be overheard by Rob and Camille, who’ve arrived right after us, he says, “So very, very lovely.” He leans over to retrieve the cover-up I left on the dock and hands it to me.

  Undone by his compliment and the hungry way he looks at me, I fumble my way into the cover-up and go ahead of him up the ramp to the dock.

  Once again, the sleek wooden sailboat catches my attention. “That’s a gorgeous boat.” It’s all white paint and gleaming varnish with cranberry sail covers and canvas.

  “The Sarah Beth—my father’s pride and joy. That’s my mom’s name. He restored it himself when they were first married and takes immaculate care of it.”

  “I used to sail with my grandfather when I was a kid.”

  “So you know how?”

  “I haven’t done it in years, but if it’s like riding a bike, then yes, I know how.”

  “It’s something you never forget once you know how. I love to sail. Maybe we can go out later.”

  “I’m not sure I trust you after the Jet Ski incident.”

  Laughing, he puts an arm around me. “Is that what we’re calling it?”

  “Was it or was it not an incident?”

  “For me, it was just another day on the Hudson. For you…”

  “An incident in which I nearly peed my pants in front of this cute new guy I’ve been seeing.”

  He pulls me in closer to him and kisses my temple. “Is it later yet?”

  I nudge him with my elbow. “If your mother is watching this, you’re filling her with hope.”

  He releases me so suddenly that I nearly stumble. Only his arms around me stop me from falling.

  “You did that on purpose!”

  “You can’t prove that.”

  Oh, I like him. I really, really do. I like the way I feel when I’m with him—hopeful and happy and optimistic. And then I remember what I have to tell him, and I ache at the thought of him saying it’s too much for him to take on. Who could blame him? It’s my life, and it’s too much for me.

  Chapter Eleven

  AVA

  Rob and Camille follow us up the dock, and we join Amy, Jules, their parents and mine on the deck.

  Camille sits next to me on a wicker love seat. “Looking rather cozy with my BIL.”

  “Am I?” I’m intentionally vague because I know it’ll drive her nuts.

  “You know you are. I’m not going to say anything more than it’s nice to see you both happy and having fun.”

  “Awww.” I lay my head on her shoulder. “Is my baby sister growing up?”

  “Nah, that’ll never happen. I’m still curious as all hell, but Rob told me I need to leave you alone.”

  “Thank God for him. He’s now my favorite brother-in-law.”

  “Very funny.”

  Our mother gets up from her spot on the other side of the deck and comes over to sit next to us. “I love seeing my girls back together again.” She’s petite and shares my coloring. Camille got her almond-shaped eyes.

  “It’s nice to be back together,” I say.

  “Do you see a lot of each other in the city?”

  “As much as we can,” Camille says.

  “With my job st
arting on Monday, I’m about to get really busy again.”

  “Me, too,” Camille says. “The party is officially over on Wednesday when I start my new job and classes to prepare for the bar exam.” She wrinkles her nose in distaste.

  “Daddy and I are proud of you both for landing great jobs that you’re happy about.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” I say.

  “Do you know yet who your clients will be?” Camille asks me.

  “Not yet, but I’ll find out more on Monday. I can’t wait to dig in and be busy again.” Staying frantically busy at work was my salvation after John left, not that I tell them that.

  “I don’t mean to pry, but you seem close with Eric,” Mom says, leaning in so she can’t be overheard while prying. “Have you seen him since the wedding?”

  “Here and there. My sister is married to his brother.”

  “I know that, silly. I was just wondering if maybe there’s more to it than your sister being married to his brother.”

  “We’re friends.”

  “Honestly, Ava,” Mom says. “You can take your need for privacy a little too far sometimes.”

  I stare at her, incredulous that she would say that out loud when I know she’s been thinking it for years. But since this isn’t the time or the place to argue with my mother about boundaries, I choke back the retort that would tell her to mind her own business. “When there’s something to tell, you’ll be among the first to know. For now, we’re friends.”

  “Leave her alone, Mom,” Camille says. “She has the same right to privacy we all have.”

  “I never said otherwise. You misunderstand me. Both of you. I just want you to be happy, Ava. That’s all.”

  “I’m doing well. It’s all good. No need to worry about me.”

  “Carol,” Sarah Beth says to my mom. “Come see the pictures I have from the wedding.” Sarah Beth has brought her iPad onto the shaded side of the deck.

  My mom gets up and goes to sit with her.

  “Thanks,” I say quietly to Camille.

  “No problem. I meant what I said to her, but I still get the feeling there’re things you’re struggling with. If you need a friend, I’m always here for you.”

  I look at my sister with all-new respect. She’s grown up a lot in the years we spent apart, and I want to be close to her now that we’re adults. “There is something I’d like to tell you about. When the time is right.”

  “I’m here whenever you need me.”

  “That means a lot. Thank you.”

  Camille has always been my beloved baby sister, but sitting together on her in-laws’ deck, I feel like we just became friends as well as sisters. I will tell her about John, but not until I’ve had the chance to talk to Eric. It’s funny to me that before last night, I hadn’t told anyone about him, and by the end of today, three people will know, and soon I’ll tell Camille, too.

  I’m relieved not to be carrying my burden alone anymore. I can only hope that what I need to tell him won’t drive Eric out of my life.

  I can tell he’s going crazy trying to get through this casual day with his family. After we eat the burgers his Dad cooks on the grill and enjoy a relaxing lunch, Amy and Jules want to play volleyball, but Eric declines.

  “Hey, Dad,” he says, “would you mind if Ava and I took the boat out for a sail?”

  “Of course not. Have at it.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I want to go,” Rob says.

  “Not this time.”

  “Eric, I was hoping for some family time,” his mom says, seeming antsy.

  “We won’t be long. Ava?” He holds out a hand to me and doesn’t seem to care that everyone is watching us.

  I take his hand and let him lead from the deck through the yard to the dock. “Way to be subtle. For a guy who doesn’t want everyone up in his business, you just made a heck of a statement there.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “All right, then.”

  He gets on the boat and reaches for me, surprising me when he picks me up and deposits me on the deck. “I don’t mean to be abrupt, but I’m going a little mad wondering what you want to talk to me about. This was the best way I could think of to get some alone time with you right now.”

  I’m completely charmed. How could I not be? “Well, why didn’t you say so?” I ask as I place a hand on his chest and look up at him.

  He’s got his sunglasses pushed to the top of his head, so I can see his eyes and the flash of heat directed at me. “Are you enjoying tying me in knots?”

  “Not at all. That wasn’t my intention. I’m sorry to have done that to you.”

  Right there, out in the open with everyone probably watching us, he kisses me. It’s a quick kiss that packs a major punch and makes me want more.

  “Hold that thought,” he says. “Make yourself comfortable while I get the boat ready.”

  “I can help.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Working together, we remove the sail cover, prepare the mainsail, untie the tiller and prepare the jib. When we’re ready, Eric asks me to remove the bow line while he sees to the spring and stern lines. I watch with fascination as the current carries the boat into the channel, which is when Eric releases the stern line and raises the mainsail and jib.

  When we’re under way, I join him in the cockpit, sitting across from him. “Very smooth, Captain.”

  “I’ve done it a few hundred times. That’s how many times I had to do it before my dad would let me take her out by myself.”

  The sails catch the wind, and we take off, the boat slicing cleanly through the calm water. After a long silence, he says, “You wanted to talk. I’m listening.”

  I dig deep for the fortitude to share my story again. This time, the stakes are so much higher. Even though my relationship with Eric is new, it has real potential. He’s given me the best possible reason to move on, even if he doesn’t realize it yet.

  “When I lived in San Diego, I was in love with a man named John. He was in the military, and we were together for two years.”

  His hand is on the tiller, and his gaze is fixed on me. “What happened?”

  “The Star of the High Seas happened.”

  He gasps. “He was on it?”

  I shake my head. “No, but he deployed the day it happened, and I’ve never seen or heard from him again.”

  “That was more than five years ago.”

  “Believe me, I know.”

  “Ava… God. All this time… You were alone and waiting?”

  “Pretty much. I gave myself until the fifth anniversary, and that’s when I decided it had to stop. I needed to let it go—let him go—and move on, and that’s what I’m trying to do.”

  “I… I don’t know what to say.”

  “I’d understand if this is too much for you to take on, especially after what happened to you.”

  “I’m surprised I haven’t caught wind of this already. My family isn’t known for its reticence.”

  “No one knows. You're the third person I’ve told, all within the last twelve hours.”

  “Why now?” He no sooner asks that when he says, “Because of what happened last night.”

  “That was the first time since him, and it was… I was…”

  “Can you come over here?” He reaches for me, and I take his hand to move to his side of the boat, where he settles me next to him, his arm around me. “I’m so sorry if anything I did caused a setback for you.”

  “It wasn’t your fault. It was bound to happen, and it actually led to a soul cleansing of sorts.” I tell him about unloading on Skylar and her referral to Jessica.

  “Did you feel better after you told someone?”

  “Strangely, I really did, even if I was wrecked emotionally.”

  “Why did it take you so long to tell someone?”

  “I’ve always been a very private person, and John was, too. I know now that he was probably more secretive than private, but after a while, it seemed like too mu
ch time had gone by to involve my family, and most of my friends in San Diego were work colleagues. One year became two and two became five, and I just didn’t tell people.”

  “I hate to think of you being so alone with something so painful for such a long time.”

  “It was my choice to be alone with it, but it’s easier to manage now that I’ve decided to share it with a few select people, including the roommate I just met, who was amazing, by the way. I have you to thank for connecting me to her.”

  “I’m glad she was there for you when you needed someone, but you could’ve called me. I would’ve come back.”

  “I know, and I so appreciate what a good friend you’ve been to me, but I think it happened the way it was meant to. Skylar led me to Jessica, and I already know she’s going to be a great help to me even if some of what she had to say was hard to hear.

  “Like what?”

  “For one thing, she said that while John is a hero for presumably going after the people who blew up the ship, he’s not a hero for how he handled me and our relationship.”

  “I can sort of see what she means. Can you?”

  “I guess. After all this time of loving him and longing for him, it’s hard to think of him as less than what I’ve built him up to be in my mind. But she’s right. It was wrong of him to get so involved with me, knowing it was possible he might have to leave me the way he did.”

  “Although it’s hard to fault someone who may be off fighting terrorists.”

  “Which has been at the heart of my dilemma.”

  After another period of silence, he says, “We need to come about.”

  I look up to see we’re a long way from where we started out. The dock in front of the Tildens’ home is a speck in the distance behind us.

  Eric turns the boat, and we switch sides. “Come back,” he says, raising his arm to put it around me.