Change of Heart 05 - Forging the Future
Page 8
“The bond clouded everything else.”
“Yes,” he agreed, twisting on the window seat cushion to face me. “And it must, when you’re a semel. You claim what’s yours because that’s your nature, and when you were suddenly there, in my house, I was overwhelmed.”
“We both were, I’m sure.”
“Yeah, but from then on, I never questioned. I was all in from that moment.”
“That’s what a semel does, right? Believes in his decisions completely, never second-guesses himself.”
He grunted.
“Isn’t that how you’re made?”
“Yes, and a reah is not. You always said that I could change my mind and throw you out and you’d be alone again, and obviously, that could never happen because you’re my true-mate. It’s not some spell. It’s a function of our DNA. You’re chemically, biologically, tied to me just as I am to you. It’s in our blood.”
“Yes.”
“I could never be without you.”
I knew that already, from being around him just this short time. I felt better, lighter, like I fit in my skin, and the feeling of peace, even though we were still hammering out our lives, was a tangible thing. I couldn’t even imagine giving him up or walking away now that I knew what this felt like. And yet, I understood what he was trying to say. He was still missing me. “But it’s different now,” I offered.
He studied my face, searching, I thought, for some flicker of recognition.
“You want my memory back,” I continued.
“I didn’t actually think it would matter.”
I scoffed. “You didn’t think me knowing you would matter?”
“No, that’s not what—I mean, I thought it would still be us, but right now the physical piece that I’ve always thought was just a part of us, as loving you—is all there is.”
I nodded quickly.
“I’m your semel and you’re my reah, and we’re made to come together like two halves of one thing.”
“Yes.”
“So the sex will always be great.”
“And you thought the sex was great because we were in love.”
“I did.”
I took a breath. “I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine that me having all my memories would have made what we did all night any better.”
“No,” he replied. “Not physically. But I feel the bond differently than you do now. Normally when we’re in bed, I think, ‘I know Jin loves me more than anything,’ which is how I was able to let you have me.”
I was startled. A semel succumbing to his reah? After what he’d told me about being a semel, I couldn’t even imagine such a thing. “You allowed me to—I can’t, I mean, every part of me wants to submit to you. I simply want to be taken and used.”
“And that’s all I want, because the man who loves me is missing.”
My eyes filled fast, the emotion surging, and for the first time, he didn’t reach for me. He couldn’t comfort me at the moment; he had no words to give.
“When you fell in love with me, when I truly became your mate, when you believed in me and the bond became a vow, it felt different. The animal piece is important and we’re not us without it, but first we’re men, and I miss my husband.”
“How can you stand to look at me?”
“You’re still my mate,” he insisted, opening his arms. “And your eyes still soften when you see me, even if you don’t know why.”
I wanted to talk to him more, to try to bridge the gap between us, get to know each other, but the primal call, his pheromones, sent a pulse of consuming thirst through me. I got up, closed the distance between us, and lunged at him.
He caught me easily in midleap, carried me the several steps back to the bedroom, and hurled me, arms and legs splayed out, onto the bed, and then bent over and took me down the back of his throat, swallowing.
I roared his name as his hot, wet mouth engulfed my cock, my hands fisted in his hair, and when he sucked and laved, bringing me close to a blinding orgasm, I begged him to fuck me. He rose and flipped me to my stomach, held me still as he slicked himself and my puckered opening before he slid inside in one fluid motion.
“Logan!” I cried, and he pulled out a fraction only to ram home again.
It took only seconds for me to climax, and he fucked me through the whole ride of my bones melting away and my vision flashing a blinding white. I couldn’t imagine not loving a man who could set my blood on fire, make my heart feel as though it was going to explode out of my chest, and inspire an ache to wrap around him like a second skin. When I twisted for his kiss, he was there, sealing his mouth to mine, breathing me in. I had him in me, on me, his hands would leave bruises, his mouth marks, but still, it wasn’t enough. He wanted love born of time and shared secrets, not the kind that grew from desire and lust. I prayed for his patience, because the idea of him giving up on me, of him not wanting me, was the most horrific thing I could imagine. I would not lose my mate, even to the memory of myself.
Chapter 7
WHEN I woke early, all I had was questions, but Logan said we had to thank the semel and offer restitution to any who had aided me. We went to Devotion, and I immediately took Logan to meet my ex-boss, who was there early, as always, checking in, prepping for the day.
“Jin told me you have new investors that you’re not altogether happy with,” he said, his voice sexy and low as he addressed Eliza. “If you’d like the money to buy them out—whatever it is you need, please don’t hesitate to call on me.”
He had a great face, and the beauty was in the angles. From the square, chiseled jaw to his sharp cheekbones to the long, straight nose, I could imagine that if I walked through any museum in the world that his visage would be there over and over, the very ideal of male beauty. Watching Eliza stare at him, seeing the reaction of every woman who saw him—as well as many of the men—I understood that no matter how scary he thought I was, people wanted to take my place in his bed. The thing was, without my memory, I was not fearsome in the least.
“You smell like your mate now,” Eliza informed me. “And may I say, smelling like him is in no way a bad thing.”
I scowled at her.
Her laugh was lilting. “Oh, Jin, your mate is absolutely mouthwatering.”
She was my friend, but still, I didn’t like her reaction to him.
As we walked the street afterward, people stopped to watch him walk by.
“What’s wrong with you?” Crane asked, leaning into me at breakfast at Alaine’s home. He was sitting on my left, and Logan was on my right, standing, greeting everyone who wanted to say hello.
Alaine was introducing what seemed like his entire small tribe to Logan, who was honor-bound to be gracious and receive them.
“Jin?”
I turned to him. “How do I normally deal with everyone wanting to be in Logan’s space all the time? What am I like when people flirt with him?”
His scowl was dark. “You never concern yourself with that kind of crap, not ever.”
I was surprised. “I don’t understand.”
His snort of laughter made me smile. “You live well in your skin. You are absolutely certain of Logan’s feelings for you.”
Or I was outwardly, where Crane and everyone else could see. In private, as Logan had said, I’d worried in the past.
“No one has time to fall under Logan’s spell, because you eat up every drop of his attention.”
“I do?”
“You and Ilia and the tribe,” he finished. “Yeah, you do.”
It was easier to sit and receive people after that. The moment the last person was greeted, I took hold of Logan’s hand, excused us, and walked him around the side of the guesthouse. When I rounded on him, the smile I got made his eyes glow a deep burnished gold.
“I want to go home and see my son,” I told him. “And I’d like to leave as soon as possible.”
He nodded. “I just wanted to give you some time to get used to me before we went.”
“Yes, it is,” he agreed, and I knew I’d done the same for him. We’d restored each other, and I was desperate to do more. I wanted to remember him more than anything.
“Please, take me home.”
He drew me forward, and when I was close enough, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight, my head notched under his chin.
“Okay, let’s go home,” he sighed, rubbing his cheek in my hair.
AS WE were boarding the plane, I realized I had not said good-bye to Wick or Dov, the akhen-aten’s men. When I mentioned the oversight to Logan after the plane took off, he explained that I would probably be seeing them again very soon, and so it hardly mattered.
“Why would I be seeing them?”
“That’s a long story,” he answered from his seat beside me in first class. I had the window and he was on the aisle, and while to anyone else it would have seemed like a simple seat assignment, I knew I would never be allowed to sit anywhere unprotected. He was my semel, and so put himself between me and everything. It was so ingrained in him, like when we’d walked through the airport and his arm had been around me, and how he made sure I was always between him and Yusuke or him and Artem and Andrian, and how anyone reaching for me, for any reason, was intercepted. I’d been alone for as long as I had any memory, and because of that, his care didn’t make me feel smothered, as I would have expected, but treasured.
“Tell me,” I pressed.
He rolled the back of his head against the seat as he turned to give me his attention. “We, as in you and me, have been giving Domin the runaround for about a year now.”
“Why were we hiding from Domin Thorne?”
He squinted at me.
“Logan?”
“We were fighting about this the night I lost you.”
I was startled. “What in the world would we ever fight about?”
He scoffed. “Are you kidding? We fight all the time.”
“We do?”
“Oh yeah.” He snorted out a laugh. “You don’t let me get away with anything. We go at it like cats and dogs all the time.”
“About what?”
He shrugged. “Mostly my decision not to let you go wherever you want, see whoever you want, and to tell Domin Thorne to go to hell.”
I couldn’t keep from smiling and took hold of his hand and leaned close. “Did I tell him to go to hell, or you?”
“You.”
“I see. So, he wanted something, you agreed, and I didn’t.”
“Precisely.”
“So do tell why we were hiding from the head of the werepanther world?”
He eased close so we were almost nose to nose, whispering, “He wants us in Sobek.”
“I don’t know where that is.”
Reaching up with his free hand, he cupped my cheek and ran his thumb across my lips. “Domin knows that Ilia is out of control. I don’t know how he knows. Someone in our home was feeding him information, but for the life of me, I haven’t been able to figure out who.”
I was listening but also loving how he was touching me.
“My first thought was Ivan or Markel. They were sylvan and sheseru to Domin when he had his first tribe, so that made sense.”
“Yes.”
“But Markel is married—mated—to my sister, and Ivan is mated to a man, and neither of those things would have been possible without you and me, so… I’ve moved on from that thought.”
“But someone is talking to him.”
“Yeah, someone is. He knew too much about what was going on, and because of that, the threats were escalating.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I say ‘threat,’ but what you have to hear is ‘request.’ Domin wants us with him, and basically, he’s gone from suggesting to insisting.”
“Okay.”
“He sent those same two guys, Wickham Morris and Dov Yadin, to see us at the beginning of last year, but I refused to let them on the property.”
“Why didn’t you let them in?”
“Because if they saw Ilia, they’d know that keeping him hidden up on our mountain used to be difficult and is now next to impossible.”
“It is?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“He’s powerful, Jin, and he can do more than just shift. He can shapeshift like you.”
“Like me?”
He twisted in his seat, and I was glad that Artem and Andrian were in front of us and Crane and Yusuke behind us so he could speak freely, albeit quietly, to me.
“You turned into a dragon once.”
I jolted, but he squeezed my hand, and just that much contact soothed me.
“I’ve seen you change into something like an enormous prehistoric lion, and a snake made of smoke. I’ve seen you fly off the side of a mountain, and shift so fast that you didn’t burn in a fire—you… Jin, you’re amazing.”
But I wasn’t anymore, and so I pulled away, turning to stare out the window.
“Hey.”
I continued to give the clouds all my attention.
“You think that if you don’t remember how to do that, that you’re not as valuable to me?”
I pivoted to face him. “No, I just wish I could remember being that powerful because I want to be an asset to you.”
He slipped a hand around the back of my neck and leaned me into him, into his kiss. What started out gentle and warm quickly became urgent and bruising, a hungry assault. Every time he got near me, it was like all that would do was my total surrender, and right there on the plane, in my seat, I was ready to be taken.
He shoved me back, both of us panting, and my body buzzing with need. I shivered, watching his eyes narrow to golden slits of heat.
“You are never an ‘asset’ to me. You’re my mate, my other half. You don’t become important, you already are, the most—you’re all there is.”
I could see it etched in every line on his face, hear his words, and taste his hunger—I was necessary. There was no question of him wanting me, it was beyond that. Our souls were merged; there was no Logan without Jin, and if I had my memory, I’d know that. As I didn’t, I’d have to keep reminding myself until it became second nature.
“And you,” I husked, “Logan.”
His smile caught me off guard. “Come sit in my lap.”
My face heated, and I shoved against his shoulder after he lifted me over the console between us and settled me on his thighs. “Please don’t make this plane ride any harder than it already is.”
“Why are you having trouble?” he teased, tilting his head to kiss my temple and then dipping to my ear, sucking my lobe into his hot, wet mouth.
It wasn’t a gentle twinge of electricity but a bolt that arched my spine and made me whimper in the back of my throat.
“Jin?” he rumbled.
“I will attack you right here if you don’t stop.”
His laughter wasn’t at me; it was kinder, secretive, and private. “I would let you have me anywhere you want, Jin Church, but if you ride me on this plane, other people will see you naked, and that I cannot have.”
The man was so possessive, and I reveled in it. His warm gold gaze held me as I leaned in and gently notched our lips together. “You taste so good,” I murmured, and his smug grunt made me smile before I took a breath and laced my fingers with his. With how intimate our conversation was, it was a surprise when my eyes flicked to his and found them troubled, having darkened in pain.
“Logan, what’s wrong?”
“The night you stopped Ilia,” he began, his voice breaking, “I… I cursed you—I banished you from my sight and that’s my fault, my weakness, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.”
“Logan—”
“It was a test of loyalty and faith, and I failed you.”
; “No.”
“Yes, I did. I turned on you so fast after years of devotion and love and I… Jin… it’s a horrific betrayal, and I’m guilty.”
His face crumpled, and I saw all the pain in his eyes.
“I should have believed in your heart beyond what I could see with my eyes. I knew better, and still I reacted and didn’t think.”
“You’re only a man,” I said softly, leaning in to kiss him. “You thought I’d killed your son. Logan, how many of us could rise above all that was happening and react as we should?”
“I’m the semel. I should always do what’s right.”
“That would elevate you to sainthood, Logan Church,” I teased gently, trying to jostle him out of his sadness. “You need to forgive yourself for this.”
He shook his head, not taking the bait. “If I was stronger, I’d tell you that if you want to take Ilia and leave me that I won’t stop you but—” His head snapped up, and his regard was fixed. “I can’t have that. You have to forgive me and stay at my side. I won’t… last alone. I can’t be without you again—it’s not in me to let you go.”
“No,” I agreed, lifting his hand, kissing the palm. “We’re supposed to be together, even without my memory, I know that. And it hurts you that I’m only speaking of the bond, but for now, until I remember, the bond will sustain us.”
“Yes,” he said in the barest whisper.
I coughed to clear the tears from my throat. “So after you exiled me, did I run?”
“Yes,” he choked out.
Again, we stared at each other.
“When did you realize he was alive?”
“Crane,” he whispered. “He had Ilia in his arms, and he was calling his name over and over, and then Ilia contorted in his lap and sat up.”
I smiled instantly, imagining a little panther cub in my beset’s arms.
Suddenly I felt a hand in my hair, and I realized that Crane had reached around the side of the seat and petted me.
Pressing his palm to my cheek, I took a breath.
“I would have gone after you, Jin,” Crane murmured, and I tilted my head sideways between the seats to meet his gaze. “But I knew you would have wanted me to stay with Ilia.”