The Gift of Volkeye

by Marque Strickland

  Maugrimm chuckled. “Belch has a lil’ something for everybody, he does! Take care to let him know that ya’ want HUMAN food though!”

  Belch held a plush-looking operation. The cave’s walls were decorated with carvings of characters from his favourite Wrinklegus PoisonTongue stories, and the bar was made of finely sculpted rock. The chairs and tables in the dining section, however, were wood-made (for purposes of ease when rearranging). The corners of the cave housed large black cauldrons (not unlike those of Maugrimm’s Igloo) that contained roaring fires, lending a comforting effect to the beautifully dim atmosphere. In all, the restaurant was a stunning sight.

  Belch—the owner, waiter, and host at the restaurant—would often help out in the kitchen on days when it got incredibly busy. He was a wonderful cook. Though savvy in the kitchen and a great host, Belch had a dark side. He was most adept at carving his enemies to pieces when provoked. His claws were the weapons of choice. Belch’s hands were nearly skeletal with extra long nails, hard enough that he was able to put the edges to grinders and make dangerously keen blades of his fingers! Even though he mostly put the blades to use in the kitchen when cutting meat, on some occasions Belch found them useful for other applications.

  Fifteen years previous, the owner of this restaurant was prone to serving substandard food, because it saved him money. He tried to give an odourous plate to Belch, but Belch instantly turned his nose up at the sour food and sent it back. Unable to believe the owner’s gall, he ordered again and specifically asked for something freshly cooked. When the owner refused and asked him to leave, Belch leapt upon him and spilled all his blood.

  He minced the body and dragged the pieces into the cooking area of the cave, sautéing the owner, bit by bit. Belch served him to the customers and took a meal for himself as well. Once the owner was devoured, the dining creatures congratulated Belch on their entrees, for they, too, had been horrified at what they’d been served. Belch had sunk in his chair with a swollen belly. When he let out a thunderous burp that knocked him backwards off the love seat, the room broke up with laughter. Hence, his name!

  Belch took the place as his own and had run a thriving business ever since. Now he awaited some guests coming down the entrance hall of his establishment. They were still hidden in shadow, so he couldn’t tell if they were regulars or not. However, he hoped they wouldn’t be another troublemaking couple like he had the night before. These two had too many spirits and couldn’t hold their liquor. When Belch asked them to leave, they began swearing and breaking his dishes. Consequently, he slit both their throats with his pinkie finger and let them bleed out. Then he skinned and de-boned them, putting them on the menu for the following day. Tonight’s special was “Drunken Idiots” with a customer’s choice of giant lobster or whale fin as a side dish—twenty stones a plate.

  Belch greeted the group as they emerged from the shadows. “Hi! Welcome to the Frozen Teeth and Toenail Cafe!” (He had appropriately re-named the place after the bits of the previous owner that he couldn’t sell. They were mounted on a plaque on the wall.)

  “Oi! How’r things today, matey?”

  “Mawg! I’ve seen you three nights in a row now,” Belch said, leaning in to whisper, “and your date last night…Beatrice, I think? She left her shawl at the bar. Now, along with Bertha’s purse from last week, I have two items from two different women. And they appear expensive, so they’ll definitely come looking for them. God help you if they arrive simultaneously, and you’re here!”

  Maugrimm waved this off. “Ya’ worry too much, mate.”

  Belch sighed, shaking his head. “You’re such a fool…this is going to catch up to you sooner or later, Mawg, I’m telling you!”

  Though he wasn’t a plain looking beast, by no stretch of the imagination did Belch have the same ‘lady killer’ looks that Maugrimm did. Among his features were large pointy teeth and massive feet (which were of astronomic proportions in relation to his size); beady red eyes and a spiky black Mohawk that stretched the length of his back; and smooth green skin with dark red lips to compliment. However average his appearance was, Belch didn’t fret over the fact that he wasn’t a ‘looker’ like some other beasts. He didn’t envy those types, for he’d seen the messes these creatures often landed themselves in just because of their appearances. There were none so problematic as his friend, Maugrimm, who’d become so arrogant lately that he thought to start juggling woman. The fool! Belch wouldn’t envy Mawg the day that his idiocy finally caught up to him…he just wanted to be there to see it!

  Asha had been listening to their conversation and rolled her eyes with disgust as she understood Maugrimm’s character. “Oh, my goodness! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

  “I tell him that everyday,” Belch said.

  “Oh, hell. It ain’t like me plan on doin’ this forever! Me just havin’ a bit o’ fun, is all!”

  “You mean that you’re enjoying the fringe benefits!” Asha snarled.

  Maugrimm sighed. “There you go, getting ya’ locks in a twist!”

  Asha ignored him. “Hello, Belch, I’m Asha, and this is my daughter, Bahzee,” she said, extending her arm.

  “Well, this is very special,” Belch said, realizing that they must’ve been extremely close friends of the family to come visit a frigid environment like this. He took Asha’s hand gently (as not to cut her) and then looked to the others with a smile. “I’ve missed you all!” he said.

  Lyn Sha’s face lit up, as Belch was one of her favourite beasts. “We missed you, too!” she said and then leaned over to whisper in Bahzee’s ear. “He makes the best chocolate cake in the whole wide world!”

  Belch gleamed at Asha and Bahzee. “It’s a great pleasure to meet you two. What are you doing hanging out with the likes of Maugrimm?”

  “I’m not sure…he hasn’t given me a very good first impression!” Asha said irritably.

  Bahzee thought to interject before she forgot something very important. “We’d like human food, please!”

  Belch burst out with laughter. “Of course you would, my dear! Let me take you all to your seats,” he said, leading them away. “And you, Maugrimm?”

  “Ah, me would like…ya’ know what, just gimme’ whatever’s on special.”

  **

  A few hours had passed now, and Maugrimm had finally won Asha over with his charm and humour.

  “I still think you’re a shit, Maugrimm!” she said, swallowing the last of her wine. “Just because you’ve made me laugh a few times, doesn’t mean I approve of the way you treat women!”

  “Waddaya mean? Me don’t treat ‘em bad…me just likes to treat more than one sometimes!”

  “And what’s wrong with monogamy?”

  “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with it! Me goin’ that road eventually—just not now. Besides, they both gots qualities that me likes! …and some others that me don’t likes so much,” he said, blushing.

  Asha laughed heartily. “I think I have a strong feeling about what it is that you do like about them…but what are your dislikes?”

  “Well, Bertha…that beard is just a lil’ too long for me. Me tries to get her to shave, but…well, she ain’t having it. Whatever,” Maugrimm said, scratching his brow. “And Beatrice…well, she sorta’ has a snot problem.”

  Asha looked horrified. “And what, pray tell, is a ‘snot problem’? ”

  “She eats her boogers! It’s a family thing or something, methinks…don’t ask!”

  In the beginning of the conversation, the kids had kept silent, pretending that they weren’t paying attention. However, now, with their hair standing on end, they sat in their seats gagging from disgust.

  “That’s really ‘effing gross, Mawg!” Khyeryn said, ears flame red.

  Asha flicked Khye with her finger. “No swearing, young man!”

  “But I didn’t!” He grinned.

  She pinched him. “I know what you meant!”

  Meanwhile, Bahzee was trying not to look too obvious, but Maug
rimm couldn’t help but notice her constantly attempting to look over her shoulder. However, her deformities forbid such an act. “Okay there, darlin’?” he asked.

  “I’m fine,” Baz lied. “I was just wondering what’s taking Tesh so long. He can’t still be in the bathroom.”

  “Well, he’s not…he’s over there chattin’ wit’ them cute lil’ lasses!” Maugrimm pointed.

  Initially, he thought that what he’d said was harmless, but when Maugrimm saw the horror flash over Bahzee’s face, he knew. He, however, was the only one that noticed her reaction, for everyone else was too busy spying on Teshunua. Mawg gracefully rebounded from his error by adding: “Of course it was them who spoke to him first…not the other way ‘round. Tesh was on his way back here when they pulled ‘em aside.”

  Bahzee reversed her hoverchair and spun her control stick in a half-circle, whirling around to see if Maugrimm spoke the truth. She found Teshunua some fifteen feet away, conversing with two females who were, at this late hour, the only remaining customers in the restaurant besides them.

  These two were beautiful—not human but a very similar species, the only difference being the horns, which they had in place of ears. Each one bore a small cavity toward its base, through which they received sound. Like ears, the horns lay flat but curved outward as they went further back, ending in points so fine that they looked as if they’d been sharpened. Magnificently detailed, they ranged from off-white to a dark brown in colour and had many grooves and ridges. Despite the girls’ beauty, Teshunua wasn’t interested, and he longed to get back to Bahzee. He continued to inch further away from the table.

  “Don’t be so shy, dear…stay and have a drink,” one said.

  “I’m underage.”

  They were surprised at this, for Teshunua’s travels and time spent without his father had matured him and lent him an appearance much older than he actually was. However, before either of the girls could reply, Bahzee had raced over to their table, glaring at Teshunua with accusatory eyes.

  She grit her teeth in anger. “Why are you ignoring the family?”

  Though he was taken aback by Bahzee’s attitude, Teshunua couldn’t help but grin, amused at her perfect timing. “I wasn’t. I was just…on my way,” he said, turning away from the table.

  Bahzee lingered a moment, looking upon the girls with staunch jealousy. She wondered how easily she could pull off one of their horns and impale them both with it.

  These HORNY bitches! she thought, swelling with anger.

  “Wow…that was impressive! I was unaware that a cripple could train a male so well,” one of them whispered.

  Bahzee didn’t hesitate. She pressed a button on her control panel, and the exhaust pipe on the left, at the base of her chair, flared, suddenly catapulting her into the girl’s table. She sent them both crashing to the floor, covered in food and wine. While the girl’s lay cursing, Bahzee floated away, a smug grin upon her face.

  “Sorry, Belch…accident,” she said.

  “No worries, dear!”

  Belch had run over to help the girls up and clean the mess. Seeing the catastrophe left in Bahzee’s wake, all except for Maugrimm looked upon her curiously, puzzled at her loss of control with her hoverchair. That had never happened before!

  Maugrimm held a wide, toothy grin and winked at her. Me likes ya’ spirit! he thought.

  Pleased with herself, Bahzee returned the wink. Just as she forked the last bit of her now-cold hamburger and opened her mouth, she noticed two formidable beasts blocking the entrance corridor. One fingered her beard furiously, clearly agitated about something. The other slightly bounced back and forth, cracking her knuckles as if she was ready to pounce. The two of them glared at Maugrimm.

  Meanwhile, the restaurant had gone silent at their presence, and Belch had run back to the family’s table, urging them all into a corner. “Bahzee, Teshunua…all of you get back! This is going to get ugly!” he’d whispered, sharing a smile with Asha.

  Asha’s eyes lit up. Oh, yes…exactly what he deserves!

  Maugrimm had buried his face in his palms. Bloody hell! Of all the rotten luck!

  “What’s the matter, Mawg? Somethin’ on your mind?” Beatrice asked.

  Maugrimm sat up straight, attempting to play it cool.

  “No, nothing at all. Me was just thinkin’ to get me friends back to the Igloo before the temperature drops too drastically. Ya’ know the humans ain’t durable as we is.”

  “You arrogant bastard…don’t try to change the subject!” the other creature, Bertha, spat. She was still yanking furiously on her beard. “It was just blind luck that she and I ran into each other, ya’ know! I came over to retrieve my purse, and I saw you sitting at a table. Then, thinking out loud, I happened to say your name. And this fine lady next to me, who must’ve entered not a moment after I did, coming to retrieve…what was it?”

  “My shawl,” said Beatrice, fuming.

  “Yes, her shawl…and the funniest thing occurred—she heard me call your name. So, of course, she approaches me and says, ‘You know Maugrimm?’ ”

  Then Beatrice cut back in.

  “She and I, being the ladies that we are, stepped aside for a few minutes to discuss this coincidence, because surely there must’ve been some type of misunderstanding! But all too soon did we realize that the only person who had misunderstood anything was you, Maugrimm!”

  “How do ya’ mean?” Maugrimm asked, still not meeting their eyes.

  “You picked the wrong women to jerk around, mister!” Bertha hissed, finally letting go of her beard, bounding over to him. She seized Maugrimm by one of the spikes on his back, yanking him up to greet him with a sleeper hold.

  As Bertha held fast to him in an unyielding death grip, Beatrice slowly walked over, cracking her knuckles. She nodded with approval as the two pretty girls with horns for ears fled the restaurant. Though she hadn’t taken time to inspect the place for other customers, she thought to warn them anyway. “If you all know what’s good for you, you’ll stay back…waaaay back!” she growled.

  Horrified, Belch shuddered at the sheer size of these beasts. Maugrimm was huge, but Bertha was slightly larger than he was, and Beatrice stood two feet over both of them!

  Maugrimm squirmed and grit his teeth, trying to break free of Bertha, who now had him in a Full Nelson. Again, he was unsuccessful. As Beatrice took a battle stance in front of him, Belch thought to advise him, as to minimize the damage to his establishment.

  “Maugrimm, I know you can hold your own, but I daresay you should suck it up and take your beating like a man! I warned you several times about your behaviour, but you dismissed my logic! Now it’s come to this!” Belch covered his eyes, peeking through a small slit between his fingers.

  Maugrimm swore under his breath, knowing that Belch was right. His only other option was to get out of this hold and take to these women with his fists! However, hitting women was against his beliefs. Also, how stupid would he have looked raising a hand at them over something that was his fault?

  Bloody hell…there ain’t no way outta’ this! he thought, squinting his eyes shut in anticipation of the pain.

  Beatrice delivered the first blow, and it was so hard everyone nearly expected her fist to go through his midsection! Though his torso throbbed with pain, it resisted the blow. She now delivered a right and left to his jaws, her punches slow and deliberate, causing the maximum amount of damage possible. Two of Maugrimm’s teeth had been knocked out, and he spit up blood as his eyes rolled in a daze. Beatrice delivered three more body blows and then gave an uppercut to the underside of his chin that slightly lifted Maugrimm from the floor! Beyond that was more of the same, only the volley of Beatrice’s attacks had increased to a ‘punching bag’ speed.

  Asha, Belch, and the others could do naught but observe the horrific spectacle in awe. Although they knew he’d brought this on himself, they couldn’t help but feel sorry for Maugrimm, as they grimaced or repeatedly closed their eyes, uttering one
sentence fragment after another:

  “Oh!…”

  “Aaaah!”

  “Ewww!”

  “Oh, my god!”

  “Yikes!”

  “Maugrimm!”

  “Oh shit!”

  With his body finally limp, Bertha slung Maugrimm to the floor. “My turn,” she said, sitting atop of him.

  She dealt a quick flurry of a little over two dozen punches, finishing with a magnificently hard backhand that knocked another of Maugrimm’s teeth out. Then she climbed from the floor and left hand-in-hand with Beatrice. The two enormous female beasts retrieved their belongings and slowly trudged from the cave with their heads down, sulking. It was as if they were the ones who’d just been victimized!

  The others now ran to Maugrimm to see if he was still breathing. Though he was far from his best, Mawg was alive. Belch knelt over and scooped up the teeth with a handkerchief. He would add them to the plaque on the wall as a reminder for Maugrimm the next time he thought it wise to date more than one woman simultaneously.

  As the family crowded around him, seeing to his injuries, Maugrimm began muttering unintelligibly.

  “…No, no, no, you gotta’ die for that stunt, matey!” he snarled. And then: “Ya’ should let me finish ‘em, Zynathian, I’m tellin’ ya’! Phyllamon’s kind ‘r trouble till the end—always are!”

  Belch quietly chuckled to himself. Maugrimm must’ve been dreaming of the day that he spared Phyllamon’s life. It was the immense pain, which had probably jarred his memory. Belch then realized that that was probably the only day in life that Maugrimm regretted more than this one!

  He folded the teeth in the handkerchief and put them in his pocket, shaking his head at his idiot best friend. Maugrimm was still unconsciously rambling. He was in so much pain that he didn’t even know where he was!

  “Me wants a Caesar salad, chittlins, ‘n some neck bones! And two tickets to the opera, please!”

  4

  Asha and Bahzee couldn’t help but chuckle as they reminisced on their first visit to Belch’s restaurant.

  “Maugrimm, now that I think back on it, that was like a scene straight out of Wrinkle Whatchamacallit’s stories!”