“Don’t do anything stupid.”
“I’m kidding. You’re the last one in the world to do anything stupid.”
MARCH 3
4:20 AM
Lies I Tell Jill
The store is more profitable than it really is.
I never miss teaching.
I’m happy that Peter is “still in our lives.”
I love Clarence.
My therapist wants me to keep on writing lists.
Steve isn’t very bright.
It would be great if the baby brought my father and me back together.
I’m fine.
I voted for Obama the first time.
MARCH 3
10:00 AM
6 Ways to Annoy a Child
If asked, declare that you have no favorite number.
If asked, declare that you have no favorite color.
Refuse to divulge your own middle name.
Ask a child how many fingers they have. When the child says ten, point out that they only have eight because two of their digits are thumbs. Then seriously question the child’s intelligence.
Say popular catchphrases in the most robotic and uninspired way possible while pretending like you are trying your best to say the phrase properly.
Explain that the unicorn is not an imaginary animal but an extinct animal. Use the existence of the narwhal, the rhino, and all other horned land animals to support your assertion. Hold on to it like a dog to a bone.
MARCH 4
7:00 PM
Words that I hate
Lover
Frenemy (actually just an enemy)
Norms (a favorite of administrators with nothing productive to say)
Flaccid (it means “to hang loosely or limply,” but it really only means one thing)
Meh
Fart (it makes me think of a butthole)
Stakeholders (better referred to as “people who give a shit”)
MARCH 5
8:00 AM
Two Kind-of-Serious Business Ideas
Informative diapers: Instead of Sesame Street characters on diapers, how about messages for parents on how to help your child succeed?
Life Capture: A company that aggregates texts from an individual, a couple, or a family in order to save for posterity
Possible diaper messaging
Sing to your child. Try the ABCs or “The Itsy-Bitsy Spider.”
Put down the phone, numb nut.
Research says you shouldn’t allow this precious child to watch any screens for the first two years of life.
Don’t even think about taking this baby into a movie theater.
Remember this: When your baby is screaming in a restaurant, that is why they invented “outside the restaurant.”
Read to this precious child every day. Even at an early age, reading makes a huge difference. It will decrease your child’s chances of living at home as an adult.
If your child is still sleeping in your bedroom at the age of two, you suck at boundaries.
New word that I hate (and hate myself for using)
Messaging
MARCH 6
11:40 AM
Important Culturally Related Questions
Why does Carly Rae Jepsen think it’s crazy that a girl might give a guy her phone number after just meeting him? Isn’t this how dating works?
I don’t care what the Lord of the Rings nerds say: Why didn’t the eagles just bring Frodo to Mordor? Or better yet, why didn’t Tolkien just make Frodo and Sam hike back home through a literary montage and avoid this eagles bullshit?
“They say in heaven, love comes first”? Really, Belinda Carlisle? When was this ever said, and who is they?
Rachel Platten is not correct. Truth is not what you believe in. This is the problem with the fucking world. Truth is no longer fact-based.
Why would anyone drink Mr. Pibb?
Why doesn’t Doc Brown just tell Marty and his girlfriend what is going to happen to their kids in the future so they can just avoid the trouble altogether?
I’m supposed to clap along if I feel “like a room without a roof”? What is that supposed to feel like? Incomplete? Exposed to the elements? Topless?
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Musicians get away with a lot of shitty, illogical, nonsensical lyrics because they are writing their songs for stupid teenagers and mindless conformists.
Lyrics that make total sense and are the shit
“The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers
“Code Monkey” by Jonathan Coulton
“Stan” by Eminem
“Suspicious Minds” by Elvis
“Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” by the Beatles
“She’s in Love with the Boy” by Trisha Yearwood
“The Star-Spangled Banner” by Jimi Hendrix
“A Boy Named Sue” by Johnny Cash (written by Shel Silverstein)
“I Am a Rock” by Paul Simon
“Thunder Road” by Springsteen
Songs that you would think have great lyrics but don’t
“American Pie” by Don McLean (sorry, Don, but some of that doesn’t make sense)
“Cats in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin (see it coming a mile away, no surprise) (also prefer the Ugly Kid Joe version)
Truths
I would never tell Jill that I prefer Ugly Kid Joe to Harry Chapin.
If Jill preferred Ugly Kid Joe to Harry Chapin, it would somehow be cool.
MARCH 7
7:20 AM
Phone call from Bill
“Why don’t you ever call me?”
“For fuck’s sake. Watch a goddamn basketball game so we have something to talk about.”
“Nothing’s as big as it seems unless someone’s dying. Or dead.”
“You didn’t think to tell me she’s pregnant? What the fuck?”
“No fish and no booze. You know that. Right?”
“You got time on Tuesday afternoon? I need a ride.”
What I want to talk to Bill about but can’t
I want to be someone.
I want to be brave.
I want to be better than Peter.
I want my dad to be proud of me.
I want to be the kind of man who can take care of Jill.
I want to do something.
I don’t want to be just another ordinary person in an ordinary life.
Mistakes
Thinking the bookstore would make me less ordinary
Believing that I could turn the business around
Lying to myself that the business was turning around
Lying to Jill that the business was hugely profitable
Not being more of everything and less of nothing
Truths
Bingo would be something
Not sure if it would be a good something
It wouldn’t be an ordinary something
It solves a lot of problems
Not just money problems
MARCH 7
11:00 AM
Kurt Vonnegut’s outstanding redefining of the seasons
January and February: Winter
March and April: Unlocking (we’re definitely in the unlocking. Nothing about today is spring)
May and June: Spring
July and August: Summer
September and October: Autumn
November and December: Locking
MARCH 7
2:45 PM
Things I’m loving
Chipotle burritos
Kottke.org
Lyle Lovett Pandora station
My wife in a T-shirt and underwear
Cold water from a metallic water bottle
Carhartt socks in place of slippers
Egg McMuffins
Hoodie
Any day over 35 degrees
MARCH 8
10:13 PM
Worst news
World hunger still exists.
Cancer has not been cured.
Jill’s brea
sts are now painfully sensitive.
MARCH 8
11:50 PM
Rules for Life in London (Rudyard Kipling, 1908)
Wash early and often with soap and hot water.
Do not roll on the grass of the parks. It will come off black on your dress.
Never eat penny buns, oysters, periwinkles or peppermints on the top of a bus. It annoys the passengers.
Be kind to policemen. You never know when you may be taken up.
Never stop a motor bus with your foot. It is not a croquet ball.
Do not attempt to take pictures off the wall of the National Gallery, or to remove cases of butterflies from the National History Museum. You will be noticed if you do.
Avoid late hours, pickled salmon, public meetings, crowded crossings, gutters, water-carts, and over-eating.
Rules for Life in West Hartford (altered slightly from Kipling’s list)
Wash early and often with soap and water. Hot water is unnecessary (scientific fact) and wastes money.
Roll in the grass. Cling to the joys of childhood as long as possible because adulthood is impossibly problematic unless you’re someone like my brother who always seems to fall ass-backward into good fortune, or a trust-fund baby who has somehow avoided substance abuse and overall dickishness. Also, the world is no longer coated in coal dust (despite the best efforts of some politicians), so don’t worry about your dress.
Never use your cell phone as a telephone on public transportation, in movie theaters, or in restaurants. It annoys people and makes them want to kill you. Also, empty the goddamn hampers immediately. They are transport vessels. Not storage vessels.
Be kind to policemen. Apparently nothing has changed in terms of law enforcement since Kipling’s day.
Never play croquet. It’s a stupid, elitist game (as demonstrated in Heathers).
Do not attempt to take pictures off the wall of the National Gallery (or any museum), or to remove cases of butterflies (or any other object) from the National History Museum. You will be noticed even more so today than in Kipling’s day because there are cameras everywhere. Big Brother rules the world. George Orwell was right. If you even try to remove anything from a museum, you will definitely be arrested. Also, doing so will make you an asshole.
Avoid late hours, pickled salmon, crowded crossings, gutters, over-eating, and all meetings of every kind.
MARCH 9
12:20 AM
Note
Animal Farm was published 9 years after Kipling died.
MARCH 9
1:50 AM
Middle-of-the-night realization
Amazing, mind-altering, immortal books like Animal Farm will be published after I am dead, meaning there will be books that I will never be able to read and never even know existed. Seems obvious, but until I dreamt about Kipling missing out on Animal Farm by nine years, it never really hit me like this. How awful for Kipling. And for future dead me.
MARCH 9
8:20 AM
To Do
Don’t ever die.
Read faster.
MARCH 10
3:45 PM
Notes from prenatal visit #2
Nothing is wrong with Jill or the pregnancy or anything, so why am I so nervous every time we enter that doctor’s office?
Jill gained six pounds.
Jill can pee in a cup at any moment. I don’t know how she does it.
Jelly on belly.
Nothing I say in that exam room is as funny as I think it’ll be.
Baby heartbeat.
Tears.
The constant pinching on Jill’s left side is a ligament stretching. Her entire body is changing so she can squeeze this baby out.
You’d think that evolution would’ve made childbirth easier for women.
Evolution is patriarchal.
Cystic fibrosis test negative.
Met the male ob-gyn in the practice. There’s no way he’s not a creepy asshole.
MARCH 10
4:40 PM
Surest signs that Jill still loves me
She carries on a conversation with me while peeing with the bathroom door open.
She’ll scratch my back forever if necessary.
She holds my hand in the movie theater.
She drapes her leg over my body while I sleep.
She’ll still listen to Meatloaf in the car with me when I know she hates the music with every fiber of her being.
MARCH 11
10:55 AM
Surest signs that I still love Jill
I don’t want her to ever worry about anything ever again.
I say nothing about the hairs in the sink.
I wash my hands before dinner even though I think it’s stupid.
I only complain about the hampers once or twice a week.
I still have moments when I can’t believe that she is my wife.
I used to want to be something for me, but now I want to be something for her even more.
It hurts to lie to her.
I listen to her describe her faculty meeting in detail without complaint or disinterest.
I am so afraid of losing her.
MARCH 11
2:40 PM
Text messages from Jill
I’m starting to feel the same way about meetings that you do.
Then I remember we met in one of these fuckers, and all is forgiven.
Mostly.
It really sucks when your boss doesn’t trust you to do the simplest things.
Why can’t he just do his job and leave us alone to do ours.
MARCH 11
2:43 PM
Truths
The missed question mark was Jill. Not me.
I thought about correcting her for half a second.
I thought about correcting it here for about two minutes.
I’ll still be thinking about correcting it three days from now.
MARCH 11
3:30 PM
Rules of meetings that leaders never understand
The shorter meeting is always the best meeting. Ending on time means you’re not highly effective. Just average.
Ending late means you suck at life.
A meeting without laughter is a failed meeting.
Providing everyone with a clicky pen at the beginning of a meeting is lunacy.
The reviewing of norms before a meeting is a clear indicator of a lack of confidence in your ability to lead.
If you can’t conduct your meeting without an accompanying PowerPoint presentation, you should not be conducting a meeting.
“Let’s start off with an icebreaker” are words no human being has ever wanted to hear.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
A birthday party without a cake is just a meeting.
MARCH 11
6:00 PM
14 Reasons People Cannot or Will Not Delegate Responsibilities (and therefore become awful administrators who make my wife and her colleagues insane)
They possess an unwavering belief in “one right way.”
They cannot accept any less than 100% of their expectations being met.
They lack faith in the capacity of others.
They fail to understand the importance of autonomy when delegating responsibilities.
They fail to recognize the value of an initial investment of time in future productivity.
They do not plan ahead.
They do not maintain a to-do list (mentally or physically).
They cannot think open-endedly.
They are ineffective teachers.
They value work over results.
They view a reduction in their workload as a threat to their ego or self-worth.
They fear failure.
They are overly attached to habit or routine.
They do not follow up on the delegated in productive and inspiring ways.
The Reasons I Cannot Delegate Effectively
I’m kind of afraid of my employees.
M
ARCH 12
3:45 PM
New baby stuff
Jill has a baby bump.
Jill’s baby bump is surprisingly sexy.
Strollers cost a fucking fortune.
Car seats are bullshit. Fucking expiration dates?
Cribs cost two fucking fortunes.
Diapers. Holy shit.
Cloth diapers are specifically made for self-loathing parents and those parents who have the time to make parenting their career and want us all to know it’s their career.
A crib and a cradle?
Nesting is a real thing.
Why are parents paying for Sesame Street characters on their diapers when the babies don’t care and only shit and piss all over them?
A chair specifically purchased for nursing is a made-up thing.
I should sell baby shit instead of books.
Babies are a fucking racket.
MARCH 12
10:40 PM
Notes from Chesterfield Fire Company Bingo Night
Second floor—one exit. Firetrap. Irony not lost on me.
Irony apparently lost on every other person in that place.
100+ players
a. All men. Ages 30–70.
$50 buy-in—all cash—$5K total pot
Could not determine where the pot is held prior to payouts
Firemen are huge. Even the retired ones.
Thoughts:
No way. The layout sucks and the guys scare the shit out of me.
I hate bingo. It is so fucking stupid.
I can’t use a theme song if I’m riding a bike as my “get there” and “get away” vehicle.
I keep waiting for me to bail on this ridiculous and insane idea, but every day I like it more and more.
“Thrilled” and “frightened” are like Siamese twins. You need one for the other.
Unsolved problems:
Gun?
Burial site
Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 10
