MARCH 13
4:30 PM
Bill’s appointment
“Can you drive me to an appointment?” means “Can you spend most of the day waiting with me?”
“No, I’m not fucking dying. What is wrong with you?”
“There’s nothing embarrassing about a wart unless you’re eight years old and stupid.”
Bill dresses up for his doctor’s appointments. Tie and cardigan. Looks like an old man.
“Your wife’s a widow? Fuck. You don’t tell me? Are we friends or not?”
Bill is my friend.
Knows receptionist by her first name
Handicapped parking is amazing
I have no idea why Bill is handicapped.
“What’s with the pen and paper? Fuck. Are you writing a book? Or the longest fucking grocery list in the history of the world?”
“What You Need to Understand About Your Wife” according to Bill (who has never met her)
Her heart is big enough to keep loving her dead husband and love you, too.
There are days when your wife’s dead husband will be more alive to her than others, and you need to be a special kind of prick to not allow her that.
Don’t try to compete with a dead man. The dead man always wins because he can’t fuck up anymore.
It takes guts to marry a widow. Unless you didn’t realize that it took guts. In that case, you were just dumb.
It’s hard to love again. Don’t forget that. She married you, so she must really fucking love you.
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Four hours in elderly person’s time = five minutes in their mind.
It’s okay to refer to parking as “handicapped” but people are disabled (until that term is deemed offensive), which makes no sense except that all those parking spots already have the signs.
If you replace the phrase “Americans think” with “Americans who own landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” the world makes a lot more sense.
Contents of waiting room
24 chairs
2 coffee tables
6 copies of Good Housekeeping
4 copies of Time magazine
4 human beings (not including me and Bill)
One coatrack
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
The ratio of chairs to patients in waiting rooms is seriously fucked-up.
MARCH 14
9:00 AM
Current Hierarchy of A New Chapter staff
Kimberly: Thinks she’s in charge (and sends me angry emails alluding to this)
Steve: Allows Kimberly to be in charge when he is actually in charge (smart)
Jenny: Doesn’t give a fuck about being in charge
Sharon: Smart enough not to want to be in charge
Robby Hugh (regular customer who never buys anything): Acts like he’s in charge
Me: Supposedly in charge but failing miserably
A tweet that seemed to be written specifically for me and also ridiculously aspirational
“Reminder that Winnie the Pooh wore a crop top with no panties, ate his favorite food, and loved himself and you can too”
MARCH 14
1:45 PM
9 lowest forms of human communication
The demanded apology
The absence-of-a-thank-you-note complaint
The “I’m angry at you and will write an email rather than speaking to you in person or calling you” email
The anonymous critique or attack, in any form
The read-aloud PowerPoint slide
Any meeting agenda item that could’ve been conveyed via email or memo
The disingenuous, disinterested “How are you?”
The weatherman reading temperatures on a map that we can clearly see
The personal tragedy one-upmanship
MARCH 15
11:30 PM
Notes from VFW #2 (VFW Post 7788, Milford) (second visit)
Confirmed door in kitchen—unlocked
92 players (Bill’s official count)
$75 buy-in—all cash—$7K total pot
Cash collected at the door. Same lockbox. Brought to back table after the game starts.
Cashier recognized me. Fuck.
Stamper makes things a lot easier.
Stamper makes it a lot easier to get ink on your clothing.
Thoughts:
There’s a moment just before the first game starts when the lockbox is still at the table by the front door with one or two old guys sitting there. So easy to grab.
Why limit myself to just one job?
Using the word “job” makes me feel better about it.
I already can’t believe how okay I feel about this.
I’ll need a mask. So stupid. Hadn’t thought about this until tonight. Ski mask?
I can’t do this unless I’m 100% certain that I won’t be caught.
100% certainty won’t be too hard, I think.
I had the same level of confidence about running a bookstore before actually running the bookstore.
Questions:
Why does Bill like me?
Bill likes me. Right?
Macbeth killed King Duncan only after his wife badgered him into committing murder. Am I better or worse than Macbeth for taking on this job on my own?
MARCH 16
2:40 AM
Worst part about this plan
Lying to Jill
Secrets from Jill
Not being able to sleep because I’m so nervous
Not being able to sleep because I’m so excited
Question
If you do something kind of amazing but can never tell anyone, is that enough?
MARCH 16
8:40 AM
Tag sale acquisitions
Paper towel holder
iPhone charging cables
Fishing pole and tackle box
Small bookcase
Bike
MARCH 17
6:00 AM
Why I hate St. Patrick’s Day
It’s just an excuse to drink (and get drunk)
I used to host huge parties for St. Patrick’s Day when I was younger but now I don’t
Green is a stupid color
Other nationalities don’t get a day (except for the Italians and Columbus Day, which is stupid)
It’s my father’s birthday
MARCH 18
11:05 AM
57 sins listed by 19-year-old Isaac Newton while studying at Trinity College in Cambridge
BEFORE WHITSUNDAY 1662
Using the word (God) openly
Eating an apple at Thy house
Making a feather while on Thy day
Denying that I made it.
Making a mousetrap on Thy day
Contriving of the chimes on Thy day
Squirting water on Thy day
Making pies on Sunday night
Swimming in a kimnel on Thy day
Putting a pin in John Keys hat on Thy day to pick him
Carelessly hearing and committing many sermons
Refusing to go to the close at my mothers command
Threatning my father and mother Smith to burne them and the house over them
Wishing death and hoping it to some
Striking many
Having uncleane thoughts words and actions and dreamese.
Stealing cherry cobs from Eduard Storer
Denying that I did so
Denying a crossbow to my mother and grandmother though I knew of it
Setting my heart on money learning pleasure more than Thee
A relapse
A relapse
A breaking again of my covenant renued in the Lords Supper
Punching my sister
Robbing my mothers box of plums and sugar
Calling Dorothy Rose a jade
Glutiny in my sickness.
Peevishness with my mother.
With my sister.
&
nbsp; Falling out with the servants
Divers commissions of alle my duties
Idle discourse on Thy day and at other times
Not turning nearer to Thee for my affections
Not living according to my belief
Not loving Thee for Thy self.
Not loving Thee for Thy goodness to us
Not desiring Thy ordinances
Not long {longing} for Thee in {illeg}
Fearing man above Thee
Using unlawful means to bring us out of distresses
Caring for worldly things more than God
Not craving a blessing from God on our honest endeavors.
Missing chapel.
Beating Arthur Storer.
Peevishness at Master Clarks for a piece of bread and butter.
Striving to cheat with a brass halfe crowne.
Twisting a cord on Sunday morning
Reading the history of the Christian champions on Sunday
SINCE WHITSUNDAY 1662
Glutony
Glutony
Using Wilfords towel to spare my own
Negligence at the chapel.
Sermons at Saint Marys (4)
Lying about a louse
Denying my chamberfellow of the knowledge of him that took him for a sot.
Neglecting to pray 3
Helping Pettit to make his water watch at 12 of the clock on Saturday night
Notes on Newton’s List
Isaac Newton was a fucking menace.
“Striking many” is an unjustly nonspecific, especially given “Beating Arthur Storer”
“Punching my sister” and “Making pies on Sunday night” don’t belong on the same list.
What makes Dorothy Rose a “jade”? Also, what the fuck is a jade?
“Using Wilfords towel to spare my own” is the most fucked-up thing on the list. Complete assholery.
It’s probably worth suffering at the hands of Isaac Newton if you get your otherwise forgotten name recorded for posterity (Dorothy Rose, Arthur Storer)
MARCH 18
11:35 AM
Steve’s thoughts on Newton’s list
Thinks “Putting a pin in John Keys hat on Thy day to pick him” is the worst sin on the list. “That’s serial killer shit.”
“Newton would’ve played on defense. They’re all terrible human beings.”
“Striking many is not cool, but it sounds pretty badass, too.”
“Is ‘Squirting water on Thy day’ what I think it is?”
MARCH 19
12:50 PM
Dumbest things said to me today by customers
“You should sell the movie version of the book instead. It’s a lot better than the book.”
“Did you know that Playboy was the first gentlemen’s magazine to be printed in braille? It’s also one of the few magazines with colorized microfilm. So you might want to carry it.”
“I’m looking for a blue book. Tiffany blue. It’s about a woman, I think. My book club is reading it. The reviews are terrible. Have you read it?”
Smartest things said to me by a customer today
“It’s hard to hate a person with a book in their hand.”
“I just had lunch at Taco Bell, and it was great. I don’t care what my husband thinks. I love him, but he can be such a fucking snob sometimes.”
MARCH 19
1:30 PM
Prenatal visit (20 weeks)
No, we haven’t felt the baby move.
By “we,” we mean Jill.
Amount of time between “No, we haven’t felt the baby move” and “That’s totally normal” was entirely too fucking long.
Jill has gained 12 pounds. The doctor says it’s “fine,” which means it’s not, and I want to kill him for it.
“Any abdominal fullness, gas, belching, discharge, or heartburn?”
Jill tells every doctor and nurse—even the ones not examining her—that we don’t want to know the sex of the baby.
They must think she is a crazy person.
I think she is a crazy person.
Baby is the size of “a medium-sized banana pepper.”
Fundal height is six inches.
Amniocentesis
Jill decided not to prep me on the definition of an amniocentesis
Jill calls it an “amnio” like they’ve been friends forever
Jill probably assumed that I know what an amniocentesis is
My thought: “Why would we take a chance on losing the baby for information that changes nothing?”
I think that saying those words out loud made Jill happy
Things I didn’t say
What the fuck is a banana pepper?
Is “fluid retention” caused by not peeing enough?
What is fundal height?
Do I have a fundal height?
Whatever fundal height is, it sounds disgusting.
Are there really parents who would abort their little banana pepper for something as manageable as Down’s?
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
It’s wrong to judge a parent’s reproductive decisions, but it’s less wrong to silently judge them in your head.
MARCH 20
7:20 PM
Number of customers before 3:00 PM today
2
Number of customers after 3:00 PM today
6
MARCH 20
8:45 PM
Dinner with Jill
She eats a lot now.
Started knitting a hat for the baby.
Telling her that “We could just buy a hat” was not a great idea.
“Shyloh is bright and funny and talented, but she’s at least two years behind her classmates. I don’t know what to do.”
Jill has at least two dozen Shylohs. Every year.
She glows. I swear that pregnancy is making her glow. Also belches like she’s never belched before.
“Jasper told me you can’t save them all. That’s why Jasper is a dickhead.”
I agree. Jasper is a dickhead.
Jasper is also not wrong.
Bowling?
Proposed baby names
GIRLS
Clara
Caroline
Cassidy
Alice
Bella
BOYS
Jack
Brady
Charlie
Benjamin
VETOES
Brandon (my former student)
Monica (Jill’s former student)
Stephanie (Jill’s high school frenemy)
Cranberry (Jill doesn’t like)
For the record
I have no problem with that actress who named her kid Apple. I like that name a lot.
I was serious about Cranberry.
There’s no need to laugh at a name just because you’ve never heard it before.
Laughing at someone’s idea is not nice.
Choosing a permanent name for a human being who you’ve never met is hard.
MARCH 20
9:32 PM
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Just because something is true doesn’t make it okay to say it.
MARCH 20
11:45 PM
Stupid names for schools
Northeast Academy
Northwestern University
Northwest Academy
Schools named after the street they are on (basically a hat on a hat)
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Just because you’re naming a child doesn’t mean the naming of other things can’t help you in the naming of a child.
Studying the stupid way of doing things is helpful when trying to find the smart way to do things, even if your wife thinks it’s not.
MARCH 21
9:15 AM
The only times in life when we should allow someone to dictate what we wear without paying us for our time
When we are children
When att
ending the work function for a significant other
When we’re asked to serve as a bridesmaid or groomsman or pallbearer
MARCH 22
3:16 PM
Personal schadenfreude
Watching people fail to parallel park on the first try
Technology failures just prior to or in the middle of important presentations
Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas as the worst-rated movie ever on IMDB
Salad eaters’ inevitable regret over not ordering the burger
Seeing high school asshole and smug valedictorian Payton Sommers washing dishes at the Chicken Shack at age 38.
Parking tickets for people who don’t buy anything in the store
MARCH 23
4:45 AM
Things I wish I’d known when I was young
Never be afraid to talk to the prettiest girl in the room.
Always talk to the prettiest girl in the room.
The prettiest girl in the room is not necessarily the prettiest person.
Wait to purchase your ideal home. There is no reason to rush into such a large purchase. Cherish the joys of apartment living.
Dance often. Dance to songs you both love and loathe. Just dance.
Reasonable people can disagree.
Don’t gossip. Nothing makes you look uglier.
When in doubt, never wash any item of clothing owned by a woman.
Do the thing you are thinking about doing right now. Today. Thinking about it is simply fear masquerading as thoughtfulness.
Living well is the best revenge. If that doesn’t work, bide your time. You can always ruin your enemy’s life at a later date.
Cherish those moments in your work life when your bosses and coworkers are in perfect harmony. They will not last forever.
Always assume that children are more capable than you think.
Make every attempt to befriend—or at least endear yourself to—your friend’s spouse.
Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 11
