People with large, fragile egos are the most dangerous of all people.
MARCH 24
9:00 PM
Best parts of my day
Touching Jill’s baby bump this morning
Texts from Jill
Another Bill phone call
Worst parts of my day
10% increase in rent going into effect on June 1
Another letter from Dad
I ate six Little Debbie Snack Cakes in the back of the store like a criminal
I can’t ride a fucking bike
Texts received today from Jill
I can’t believe we’re making a baby
I don’t want to read What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Let’s be surprised. And I think it’s probably all bullshit. Okay?
(Three heart emojis)
Be ready to fool around tonight
Can you grab bread on the way home babe
Why I’m an asshole
I don’t use emojis because I think they’re stupid.
I correct Jill’s grammar and punctuation in her texts (in my head only).
Jill’s grammar and punctuation errors annoy me.
I think slightly less of Jill for her texting errors.
Questions
Do our texts get saved somewhere? Maybe for our baby to read someday?
Would parents or kids want that kind of record of their lives?
Would Jill be more diligent with her grammar and punctuation if they were saved for posterity?
MARCH 25
12:00 AM
Things that Don’t Make Sense
People obsessed with the Hamilton soundtrack even though they’ve never seen the musical.
There are partitions between some urinals but not all urinals. We either need penis privacy or we don’t.
Sophie la Girafe.
Paul Revere is remembered, but the guy who did the exact thing on the exact same night is forgotten (I’ve forgotten his name too).
Follow up after rereading the last list
I’ve never listened to the Hamilton soundtrack, but I still think I’m right.
I prefer partitions. I like penis privacy.
His name is William Dawes.
MARCH 26
7:20 AM
Useless skills
I can finger spell the alphabet with American Sign Language
I can recite about two dozen poems by memory, including three in French
I can accurately report on the plotlines of all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I can shave with soap only and no mirror
Slightly less useless skills
Fall asleep within 30 seconds
I can sleep in almost any position in almost any location
I can hold my breath for a really long time
I have a poor sense of smell (and am therefore rarely bothered by odors)
I can swallow my anger
Lost skills
Standing on the seat of my bike while moving
MARCH 27
12:30 PM
People I admire
People with doctorates who don’t require or even ask for the use of the title
Non-mechanics who can lift the hood of a car and determine what is wrong
Fast readers
Adults who don’t pretend not to watch porn
Name rememberers
Men who play in softball leagues
Steve
Anyone who can walk into a Home Depot and purchase items without assistance
Travelers who can pack everything into a carry-on
Jill
People I admire but would never admit
Jake
Nixon pre-Watergate
That guy from The Office who wrote that book of stories and that kick-ass children’s book
MARCH 28
10:20 PM
Dinner with Mom
Angry that we waited three months to tell her
Only angry at me
“Order the ravioli, damn it. It’s great. Don’t you trust me?”
Likes baby names that start with hard consonants
Writing an op-ed on the need for more mimes in the world (not kidding)
Sort of offered to buy us a crib (I think)
“I’ve been saving lots of stuff in the basement for this day, but I gave most of it to your brother.”
“I hope you have a birth plan.”
MARCH 29
11:50 PM
The problems with the 40th birthday party for Jill’s friend Wendy
People who talk about alcohol like it’s an interesting topic
My inability to extract myself from a one-on-one conversation that has fizzled
Sports talk
The assumption that I can do sports talk because I have a penis
My apparently senseless guilt over other people ignoring the live musicians and not even acknowledging when one of their songs ends
People who chant, “Speech! Speech! Speech!” after the candles are blown out
Jill leaving me alone among people I barely know
Me feeling like a dick for feeling all these things
Question
When people chant, “Speech! Speech! Speech!” after the candles are blown out, do they really want to hear a speech? Have they been dying to hear what the birthday boy or girl has to say? Are they desperately awaiting words of awkward appreciation and a panoply of glittering generalities? Or is it just shit that they have seen in a movie reproduced in real life?
MARCH 30
5:30 PM
Sentences Spoken by Steve During Inventory
“It’s impressive. You own a bookstore and you’re making a profit.”
“Belichick is a monster.”
“I’m looking for an opportunity. A way to do what you’ve done here. Build something. Make something. Thank God I have a wife who understands.”
“Every time I wipe my son’s ass, I can’t believe that my father did the same for me.”
“I’ll never understand why people prefer fiction when the real world has so much to offer.”
“Maybe he didn’t. Maybe Mom did all the wiping.”
Googled
Belichick: Football coach
APRIL
APRIL 1
6:45 AM
Finances
Savings: 2,117
Income
A New Chapter: 1,322
Jill: 2,900
Expenses
House: 2,206
Toyota: 276
Honda: 318
Car insurance: 175
Student loans: 395
Cable and Internet: 215
Electric: 98
Oil: 0
Phones: 180
Gas: 100 (approximate)
APRIL 1
12:15 PM
If I ruled the world, 9 laws that I would immediately enact
Drivers who pull their cars alongside each other in the middle of the road and roll down their windows in order to chat (thus blocking the road for sane people) shall have their licenses revoked for a period of no less than 5 years.
If a public building has two or more exterior doors, all such doors shall be accessible and open at all times. If a patron walks into a door expecting it to open and finds it locked, the business in question shall pay the patron a fee of $50,000. If said patron bashes his or her head on the door in the process (a feat I have accomplished several times), ownership of the business shall immediately be transferred to the bloody-nosed patron.
Anyone wearing an article of clothing containing a brand name or any assemblage of words on the seat of his or her pants shall be required to remain seated for the rest of his or her natural life.
It is hereby forbidden to congratulate a friend on the purchase of a vehicle if that friend exceeds the age of eighteen. When the purchase of an automobile becomes congratulatory-worthy, priorities must be reexamined immediately.
When going to the gym, one must
drive to an open parking spot and park your car immediately. No more occupying-the-middle-of-the-aisle, directional-flashing minivan lunatics (it’s always a minivan) waiting for that prime spot ten feet from the doors.
It is no longer permissible to refer to any article of clothing as “fun.” You sound ridiculous.
If more than half of your social media posts pertain to your latest fitness or nutritional regimen, you are hereby banished to Google+ for a period of no less than one year.
Selfie sticks are immediately banned. It’s bad enough that future archaeologists may judge our society based upon things like The Bachelor, Steven Seagal, and hipsters who wear slouchy winter hats in the summer. We cannot allow the selfie stick to also define us.
People who pay by check at the grocery store must take a mandatory class on the safe and effective use of debit and credit cards before being allowed to eat any of the groceries that they have purchased.
APRIL 1
5:00 PM
Items on Panera bulletin board by the restrooms
Sedgwick Middle School production of Aladdin
Friday night open mic at Playhouse on Park
Business card for Fishman Hardwood Flooring
Bingo at Daughters of the American Revolution
Two thoughts
Daughters of the American Revolution has a bingo night.
Has a business card on a bulletin board ever resulted in any business ever?
APRIL 2
9:20 AM
A New Chapter Picks of the Month for April
Rabbit: The Autobiography of Ms. Pat by Patricia Williams
Vacationland: True Stories from Painful Beaches by John Hodgman
1984 by George Orwell and The Dead Zone by Stephen King (combo seems apropos)
Manhattan Beach by Jennifer Egan (haven’t read yet but assume it’s great)
Lincoln in the Bardo by George Saunders
APRIL 2
12:10 PM
11 Things that Annoy Me
People who live in the suburbs of a city but claim residence to that city
Drivers who fail to understand that NO RIGHT ON RED really means BE CAREFUL BEFORE MAKING YOUR PERFECTLY LEGAL RIGHT ON RED
Continuous discussions about body ailments and/or illnesses
The recounting—word for word—of conversations that are clearly only interesting enough to warrant paraphrasing
The massive stores of memory lost forever when a person dies
The almost universally incorrect use of the phrase “Begs the question”
A New Yorker’s way of saying “on line” instead of “in line”
The bizarre pride that some New Yorkers feel (and openly express) about saying “on line” instead of “in line”
Songs about specific people that are named after those specific people (Elton John’s “Daniel,” Journey’s “Amanda,” Eric Clapton’s “Layla”)
The muddy, cold brown days between winter and spring (unlocking)
Almost every rhetorical question ever asked
APRIL 2
2:14 PM
Daughters of the American Revolution flyer
Third Friday of every month
7:00 PM
$10 cover/$100 to play
West Hartford Town Hall
Information not included
Number of players?
Cash only?
Ladies only?
Daughters of the American Revolution only?
Phone call plan
Calling on behalf of my mother
Open to the public?
Will she need cash?
Can I bring my mother?
APRIL 2
9:22 PM
Solutions
Getaway: Bike
Identity: Ski mask
Location: Daughters of the American Revolution
Still a Problem
Gun
Gun
I don’t like guns
I’ve never owned a gun
I don’t want to own a gun
I don’t know how to buy a gun
I don’t know how to load a gun
I don’t want to use a gun
I don’t want to frighten anyone with a gun
I don’t want to frighten myself by using a gun
New questions
How can you convince people to hand over their money without a weapon?
Why can’t this be more like an Ocean’s Eleven movie? None of those guys used guns, I think.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Robbing a casino with a dozen of the world’s greatest con men isn’t exactly brave or even risky. Ocean’s One … now that would be a movie.
APRIL 3
2:20 AM
Amazing octopus facts as learned on YouTube when I should be sleeping
They have three hearts.
They’re the only invertebrates capable of using tools.
They can change their color in less than a second.
They can open childproof pill bottles.
There are three plural forms of “octopus”: “octopuses,” “octopi,” and “octopode.”
They don’t have a centralized brain.
Additions to “Things I Can’t Do”
I can’t use tools.
I have a really hard time opening childproof pill bottles.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
The octopus is far more impressive than I will ever be. No matter what I do in this world, I’m a human being with thumbs and a giant brain and the collected knowledge of centuries of human existence in my pocket. Given my advantages, nothing I do will ever be as amazing as an octopus opening a childproof pill bottle.
APRIL 3
4:15 AM
Enormous Musical Mistakes
I thought “Under the Boardwalk” was originally recorded on Bruce Willis’s The Return of Bruno album.
I told Jill that Meatloaf was one of my favorite musicians.
I thought “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay” was a Michael Bolton original.
I chose the flute in third grade.
I attended a Creed concert in the mid-nineties.
APRIL 3
9:45 AM
Text messages from Bill
Are you having a boy or girl?
I want to get you a gift, numb nuts.
I’m impressed.
Most people can’t delay gratification for a second these days.
If you had one of those fucking pink or blue gender-reveal party things, I would’ve had to punch you in the face.
Surprises are good. We don’t get enough of them in this life.
And most surprises stab you in the fucking heart.
APRIL 3
7:18 PM
Today’s totals
$163 in sales
At least twice that in salary paid
1 parking ticket (Jill)
2 customer complaints
14 Jill belches (that I heard)
2 Little Debbie Snack Cakes
1 pool of vomit (toddler)
1 new hamper of clothing (3 total)
2 sensitive breasts
Complaints
“If you installed hand dryers, I wouldn’t have to stare at that PLEASE DON’T FLUSH PAPER TOWELS DOWN THE TOILET sign every time I use your bathroom. It makes me sad for humanity.”
Kimberly, to a customer who was upset that the book he ordered hadn’t arrived yet: “Listen, mister. Just because your day isn’t cheery doesn’t mean you should try to ruin mine.”
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
There is never a need to tell a person to listen to you if that person is three feet away and staring at you.
APRIL 3
11:55 PM
Rules of Manhood
Stop talking about where you went to college.
You will regret your tattoos.
When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
You may only request one song from th
e DJ.
Measure yourself only against your previous self.
Revenge is an excellent cure for anger.
No one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party.
APRIL 4
12:20 PM
Weird Things I Do
I don’t look at the pilot when boarding a plane in fear that he will remind me of an idiot who I know.
I always take a leaflet from people handing them out because I like to think that they can finish sooner and go home if I do, even though that’s probably not true.
I speak to houseflies. I warn them that they only have three days in this world. Three days before death. I warn them that they need to make the most of the little time they have. I’m fairly emphatic about it.
My thumbs do a little dance over the phone when I’m not sure how to reply to a text.
When I am alone, I drive with the windows down, the heat or AC blasting depending upon the season, and the music at full volume. Loud enough to make people stare.
Whenever I find myself adjacent to a brick wall, I reach out and touch a brick, knowing that a bricklayer once placed this brick, and all the rest around it, into the wall.
I purposely attempt to cut every corner in every hallway in order to shorten the distance between the two points and perhaps recapture a little lost time.
I plant pennies heads up because of the commonly held superstition that finding a penny on heads is good luck and/or allows you to make a wish.
APRIL 4
12:40 PM
Things I Will Never Do
Refer to myself as old or make one of those “I’m officially old” jokes because calling yourself old is the first step to becoming old
Get a haircut on the same day as the event that requires the haircut
Get another dog after Clarence dies
Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 12
