Twenty-one Truths About Love

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Twenty-one Truths About Love Page 12

by Matthew Dicks


  People with large, fragile egos are the most dangerous of all people.

  MARCH 24

  9:00 PM

  Best parts of my day

  Touching Jill’s baby bump this morning

  Texts from Jill

  Another Bill phone call

  Worst parts of my day

  10% increase in rent going into effect on June 1

  Another letter from Dad

  I ate six Little Debbie Snack Cakes in the back of the store like a criminal

  I can’t ride a fucking bike

  Texts received today from Jill

  I can’t believe we’re making a baby

  I don’t want to read What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Let’s be surprised. And I think it’s probably all bullshit. Okay?

  (Three heart emojis)

  Be ready to fool around tonight

  Can you grab bread on the way home babe

  Why I’m an asshole

  I don’t use emojis because I think they’re stupid.

  I correct Jill’s grammar and punctuation in her texts (in my head only).

  Jill’s grammar and punctuation errors annoy me.

  I think slightly less of Jill for her texting errors.

  Questions

  Do our texts get saved somewhere? Maybe for our baby to read someday?

  Would parents or kids want that kind of record of their lives?

  Would Jill be more diligent with her grammar and punctuation if they were saved for posterity?

  MARCH 25

  12:00 AM

  Things that Don’t Make Sense

  People obsessed with the Hamilton soundtrack even though they’ve never seen the musical.

  There are partitions between some urinals but not all urinals. We either need penis privacy or we don’t.

  Sophie la Girafe.

  Paul Revere is remembered, but the guy who did the exact thing on the exact same night is forgotten (I’ve forgotten his name too).

  Follow up after rereading the last list

  I’ve never listened to the Hamilton soundtrack, but I still think I’m right.

  I prefer partitions. I like penis privacy.

  His name is William Dawes.

  MARCH 26

  7:20 AM

  Useless skills

  I can finger spell the alphabet with American Sign Language

  I can recite about two dozen poems by memory, including three in French

  I can accurately report on the plotlines of all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

  I can shave with soap only and no mirror

  Slightly less useless skills

  Fall asleep within 30 seconds

  I can sleep in almost any position in almost any location

  I can hold my breath for a really long time

  I have a poor sense of smell (and am therefore rarely bothered by odors)

  I can swallow my anger

  Lost skills

  Standing on the seat of my bike while moving

  MARCH 27

  12:30 PM

  People I admire

  People with doctorates who don’t require or even ask for the use of the title

  Non-mechanics who can lift the hood of a car and determine what is wrong

  Fast readers

  Adults who don’t pretend not to watch porn

  Name rememberers

  Men who play in softball leagues

  Steve

  Anyone who can walk into a Home Depot and purchase items without assistance

  Travelers who can pack everything into a carry-on

  Jill

  People I admire but would never admit

  Jake

  Nixon pre-Watergate

  That guy from The Office who wrote that book of stories and that kick-ass children’s book

  MARCH 28

  10:20 PM

  Dinner with Mom

  Angry that we waited three months to tell her

  Only angry at me

  “Order the ravioli, damn it. It’s great. Don’t you trust me?”

  Likes baby names that start with hard consonants

  Writing an op-ed on the need for more mimes in the world (not kidding)

  Sort of offered to buy us a crib (I think)

  “I’ve been saving lots of stuff in the basement for this day, but I gave most of it to your brother.”

  “I hope you have a birth plan.”

  MARCH 29

  11:50 PM

  The problems with the 40th birthday party for Jill’s friend Wendy

  People who talk about alcohol like it’s an interesting topic

  My inability to extract myself from a one-on-one conversation that has fizzled

  Sports talk

  The assumption that I can do sports talk because I have a penis

  My apparently senseless guilt over other people ignoring the live musicians and not even acknowledging when one of their songs ends

  People who chant, “Speech! Speech! Speech!” after the candles are blown out

  Jill leaving me alone among people I barely know

  Me feeling like a dick for feeling all these things

  Question

  When people chant, “Speech! Speech! Speech!” after the candles are blown out, do they really want to hear a speech? Have they been dying to hear what the birthday boy or girl has to say? Are they desperately awaiting words of awkward appreciation and a panoply of glittering generalities? Or is it just shit that they have seen in a movie reproduced in real life?

  MARCH 30

  5:30 PM

  Sentences Spoken by Steve During Inventory

  “It’s impressive. You own a bookstore and you’re making a profit.”

  “Belichick is a monster.”

  “I’m looking for an opportunity. A way to do what you’ve done here. Build something. Make something. Thank God I have a wife who understands.”

  “Every time I wipe my son’s ass, I can’t believe that my father did the same for me.”

  “I’ll never understand why people prefer fiction when the real world has so much to offer.”

  “Maybe he didn’t. Maybe Mom did all the wiping.”

  Googled

  Belichick: Football coach

  APRIL

  APRIL 1

  6:45 AM

  Finances

  Savings: 2,117

  Income

  A New Chapter: 1,322

  Jill: 2,900

  Expenses

  House: 2,206

  Toyota: 276

  Honda: 318

  Car insurance: 175

  Student loans: 395

  Cable and Internet: 215

  Electric: 98

  Oil: 0

  Phones: 180

  Gas: 100 (approximate)

  APRIL 1

  12:15 PM

  If I ruled the world, 9 laws that I would immediately enact

  Drivers who pull their cars alongside each other in the middle of the road and roll down their windows in order to chat (thus blocking the road for sane people) shall have their licenses revoked for a period of no less than 5 years.

  If a public building has two or more exterior doors, all such doors shall be accessible and open at all times. If a patron walks into a door expecting it to open and finds it locked, the business in question shall pay the patron a fee of $50,000. If said patron bashes his or her head on the door in the process (a feat I have accomplished several times), ownership of the business shall immediately be transferred to the bloody-nosed patron.

  Anyone wearing an article of clothing containing a brand name or any assemblage of words on the seat of his or her pants shall be required to remain seated for the rest of his or her natural life.

  It is hereby forbidden to congratulate a friend on the purchase of a vehicle if that friend exceeds the age of eighteen. When the purchase of an automobile becomes congratulatory-worthy, priorities must be reexamined immediately.

  When going to the gym, one must
drive to an open parking spot and park your car immediately. No more occupying-the-middle-of-the-aisle, directional-flashing minivan lunatics (it’s always a minivan) waiting for that prime spot ten feet from the doors.

  It is no longer permissible to refer to any article of clothing as “fun.” You sound ridiculous.

  If more than half of your social media posts pertain to your latest fitness or nutritional regimen, you are hereby banished to Google+ for a period of no less than one year.

  Selfie sticks are immediately banned. It’s bad enough that future archaeologists may judge our society based upon things like The Bachelor, Steven Seagal, and hipsters who wear slouchy winter hats in the summer. We cannot allow the selfie stick to also define us.

  People who pay by check at the grocery store must take a mandatory class on the safe and effective use of debit and credit cards before being allowed to eat any of the groceries that they have purchased.

  APRIL 1

  5:00 PM

  Items on Panera bulletin board by the restrooms

  Sedgwick Middle School production of Aladdin

  Friday night open mic at Playhouse on Park

  Business card for Fishman Hardwood Flooring

  Bingo at Daughters of the American Revolution

  Two thoughts

  Daughters of the American Revolution has a bingo night.

  Has a business card on a bulletin board ever resulted in any business ever?

  APRIL 2

  9:20 AM

  A New Chapter Picks of the Month for April

  Rabbit: The Autobiography of Ms. Pat by Patricia Williams

  Vacationland: True Stories from Painful Beaches by John Hodgman

  1984 by George Orwell and The Dead Zone by Stephen King (combo seems apropos)

  Manhattan Beach by Jennifer Egan (haven’t read yet but assume it’s great)

  Lincoln in the Bardo by George Saunders

  APRIL 2

  12:10 PM

  11 Things that Annoy Me

  People who live in the suburbs of a city but claim residence to that city

  Drivers who fail to understand that NO RIGHT ON RED really means BE CAREFUL BEFORE MAKING YOUR PERFECTLY LEGAL RIGHT ON RED

  Continuous discussions about body ailments and/or illnesses

  The recounting—word for word—of conversations that are clearly only interesting enough to warrant paraphrasing

  The massive stores of memory lost forever when a person dies

  The almost universally incorrect use of the phrase “Begs the question”

  A New Yorker’s way of saying “on line” instead of “in line”

  The bizarre pride that some New Yorkers feel (and openly express) about saying “on line” instead of “in line”

  Songs about specific people that are named after those specific people (Elton John’s “Daniel,” Journey’s “Amanda,” Eric Clapton’s “Layla”)

  The muddy, cold brown days between winter and spring (unlocking)

  Almost every rhetorical question ever asked

  APRIL 2

  2:14 PM

  Daughters of the American Revolution flyer

  Third Friday of every month

  7:00 PM

  $10 cover/$100 to play

  West Hartford Town Hall

  Information not included

  Number of players?

  Cash only?

  Ladies only?

  Daughters of the American Revolution only?

  Phone call plan

  Calling on behalf of my mother

  Open to the public?

  Will she need cash?

  Can I bring my mother?

  APRIL 2

  9:22 PM

  Solutions

  Getaway: Bike

  Identity: Ski mask

  Location: Daughters of the American Revolution

  Still a Problem

  Gun

  Gun

  I don’t like guns

  I’ve never owned a gun

  I don’t want to own a gun

  I don’t know how to buy a gun

  I don’t know how to load a gun

  I don’t want to use a gun

  I don’t want to frighten anyone with a gun

  I don’t want to frighten myself by using a gun

  New questions

  How can you convince people to hand over their money without a weapon?

  Why can’t this be more like an Ocean’s Eleven movie? None of those guys used guns, I think.

  Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  Robbing a casino with a dozen of the world’s greatest con men isn’t exactly brave or even risky. Ocean’s One … now that would be a movie.

  APRIL 3

  2:20 AM

  Amazing octopus facts as learned on YouTube when I should be sleeping

  They have three hearts.

  They’re the only invertebrates capable of using tools.

  They can change their color in less than a second.

  They can open childproof pill bottles.

  There are three plural forms of “octopus”: “octopuses,” “octopi,” and “octopode.”

  They don’t have a centralized brain.

  Additions to “Things I Can’t Do”

  I can’t use tools.

  I have a really hard time opening childproof pill bottles.

  Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  The octopus is far more impressive than I will ever be. No matter what I do in this world, I’m a human being with thumbs and a giant brain and the collected knowledge of centuries of human existence in my pocket. Given my advantages, nothing I do will ever be as amazing as an octopus opening a childproof pill bottle.

  APRIL 3

  4:15 AM

  Enormous Musical Mistakes

  I thought “Under the Boardwalk” was originally recorded on Bruce Willis’s The Return of Bruno album.

  I told Jill that Meatloaf was one of my favorite musicians.

  I thought “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay” was a Michael Bolton original.

  I chose the flute in third grade.

  I attended a Creed concert in the mid-nineties.

  APRIL 3

  9:45 AM

  Text messages from Bill

  Are you having a boy or girl?

  I want to get you a gift, numb nuts.

  I’m impressed.

  Most people can’t delay gratification for a second these days.

  If you had one of those fucking pink or blue gender-reveal party things, I would’ve had to punch you in the face.

  Surprises are good. We don’t get enough of them in this life.

  And most surprises stab you in the fucking heart.

  APRIL 3

  7:18 PM

  Today’s totals

  $163 in sales

  At least twice that in salary paid

  1 parking ticket (Jill)

  2 customer complaints

  14 Jill belches (that I heard)

  2 Little Debbie Snack Cakes

  1 pool of vomit (toddler)

  1 new hamper of clothing (3 total)

  2 sensitive breasts

  Complaints

  “If you installed hand dryers, I wouldn’t have to stare at that PLEASE DON’T FLUSH PAPER TOWELS DOWN THE TOILET sign every time I use your bathroom. It makes me sad for humanity.”

  Kimberly, to a customer who was upset that the book he ordered hadn’t arrived yet: “Listen, mister. Just because your day isn’t cheery doesn’t mean you should try to ruin mine.”

  Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

  There is never a need to tell a person to listen to you if that person is three feet away and staring at you.

  APRIL 3

  11:55 PM

  Rules of Manhood

  Stop talking about where you went to college.

  You will regret your tattoos.

  When in doubt, always kiss the girl.

  You may only request one song from th
e DJ.

  Measure yourself only against your previous self.

  Revenge is an excellent cure for anger.

  No one cares if you are offended, so stop it.

  Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party.

  APRIL 4

  12:20 PM

  Weird Things I Do

  I don’t look at the pilot when boarding a plane in fear that he will remind me of an idiot who I know.

  I always take a leaflet from people handing them out because I like to think that they can finish sooner and go home if I do, even though that’s probably not true.

  I speak to houseflies. I warn them that they only have three days in this world. Three days before death. I warn them that they need to make the most of the little time they have. I’m fairly emphatic about it.

  My thumbs do a little dance over the phone when I’m not sure how to reply to a text.

  When I am alone, I drive with the windows down, the heat or AC blasting depending upon the season, and the music at full volume. Loud enough to make people stare.

  Whenever I find myself adjacent to a brick wall, I reach out and touch a brick, knowing that a bricklayer once placed this brick, and all the rest around it, into the wall.

  I purposely attempt to cut every corner in every hallway in order to shorten the distance between the two points and perhaps recapture a little lost time.

  I plant pennies heads up because of the commonly held superstition that finding a penny on heads is good luck and/or allows you to make a wish.

  APRIL 4

  12:40 PM

  Things I Will Never Do

  Refer to myself as old or make one of those “I’m officially old” jokes because calling yourself old is the first step to becoming old

  Get a haircut on the same day as the event that requires the haircut

  Get another dog after Clarence dies

 

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