Twenty-one Truths About Love
Page 13
Skydive
Order food in a restaurant by saying, “I’ll do the chicken marsala.”
Start using hand lotion (huge scam)
Facts about skydiving
Skydiving is safer than driving a car, but you generally don’t see your death coming in a car accident like you do in skydiving, and that makes all the difference.
I grudgingly promised Jill that I would never skydive.
I have never, ever wanted to skydive but pretended to agree to Jill’s compromise in hopes that it might make me appear brave.
The youngest skydiver ever was four years old, but that doesn’t mean that he was brave. He just had assholes for parents.
APRIL 5
11:10 PM
Notes from Daughters of the American Revolution Bingo (West Hartford Town Hall, Main Street, West Hartford)
1. No smoking. Huzzah!
2. Multiple exits to outside and interior of town hall
a. Two sets of double doors to town hall interior
b. One set of double doors to outside
c. Two single doors to stairwells to second-floor wraparound balcony
d. One door onstage, behind the curtain, to town hall interior
3. West Hartford Center directly outside
a. Shops
b. People
c. Movie theater
d. Library
e. Parking garage
f. Fucking parking meters
4. 200+ players
a. Women
b. Two men
c. Average age: 60? (Women’s ages are hard)
5. $10 cover charge/$100 buy-in—all cash—$20K total pot
6. Open bar
7. Money is held onstage in an unlocked? lockbox
a. Three women (middle-aged or older) sitting stage left behind a table with lockbox
b. Two women (middle-aged) sitting center stage, calling numbers
8. Daughters of the American Revolution is lineage-based, which makes it exclusionary, elitist, and snobby, which makes it feel better to hit
Questions
1. Can I just disappear into the crowd on the streets?
a. If so, where do I hide the money?
2. Can I disappear into the town hall and exit one of the exterior doors?
3. Are any parts of the town hall alarmed?
4. Are there security guards in the town hall after hours?
Thoughts
This could work.
I have never been so afraid in my life.
I have never been so excited in my life.
Truths?
I was an average teacher. Maybe an average husband. A bad bookstore owner. A jealous brother. The worst son. Maybe this is a thing I can do well.
I’m doing something that Peter could never do.
I’m doing something.
I feel like someone.
Maybe I’ve watched too many heist movies.
It feels so good to be brave.
APRIL 6
3:13 AM
Jonathan Swift was 32 when he wrote this advice to his future self.
WHEN I COME TO BE OLD. 1699.
Not to marry a young Woman.
Not to keep young Company unless they reely desire it.
Not to be peevish or morose, or suspicious.
Not to scorn present Ways, or Wits, or Fashions, or Men, or War, &c.
Not to be fond of Children, or let them come near me hardly.
Not to tell the same story over and over to the same People.
Not to be covetous.
Not to neglect decency, or cleenlyness, for fear of falling into Nastyness.
Not to be over severe with young People, but give Allowances for their youthfull follyes and weaknesses.
Not to be influenced by, or give ear to knavish tatling servants, or others.
Not to be too free of advise, nor trouble any but those that desire it.
To desire some good Friends to inform me wch of these Resolutions I break, or neglect, and wherein; and reform accordingly.
Not to talk much, nor of my self.
Not to boast of my former beauty, or strength, or favor with Ladyes, &c.
Not to hearken to Flatteryes, nor conceive I can be beloved by a young woman, et eos qui hereditatem captant, odisse ac vitare.
Not to be positive or opiniative.
Not to sett up for observing all these Rules; for fear I should observe none.
Advice to my future self
Give your children space to shine
Do not complain about the same illness more than once in a single day
Offer advice in snippets lasting 30 seconds or less
Don’t nag
Remember that old age does not give you permission to be a dick
Find things that your children do that you can be proud of, even when their accomplishments seem meager at best
Treat counter workers well
Do not favor one child over another
Don’t interfere in your child’s dating and spousal decisions
Don’t be afraid to admit that you are hard of hearing
Don’t stop having sex
Babysit my grandchildren whenever possible
Get out of the house every single day
Don’t fall behind on technology
Don’t watch reruns
Continue to find music that is new to you
Try like hell to surround yourself with people younger than yourself
Die before your wife and children
Use handrails
APRIL 7
5:00 PM
Stupid things said in the bookstore today
(overheard) “You should spend that money on a nipple piercing instead.”
“Are all your books nonfiction?”
“Did you know that Costco sells books cheaper than you?”
(phone call) “Do you sell reading books?”
(overheard by Steve) “Hold on! I want to take a selfie with this because it has this guy who looks like Gordon Lightfoot on the cover.”
(asked to Sharon) “What’s your shortest version of Huckleberry Finn?”
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
You should be required to read a book for every ten selfies you take.
APRIL 8
5:00 PM
Level 2:
Volkswagen Bug (yellow, elevator)
Level 3:
Corvette (under car cover)
Subaru Outback (green)
Level 4:
Hyundai Tucson
APRIL 8
8:35 PM
Notes on fake guns
You can be convicted of armed robbery even when using a fake gun.
An unloaded real gun and a fake plastic gun are essentially the same thing during a robbery in the eyes of the law.
A finger under a shirt pretending to be a gun is the same thing as using a loaded gun.
Fake bombs are the same as fake guns except possibly worse (terrorism implications).
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
There are no fake guns in the eyes of the law.
APRIL 9
11:20 PM
Three people I hate
Complainers: There is nothing wrong with taking issue in a matter of importance, but if you are a person who finds something to complain about on an almost daily basis, or you have several complaints going on at the same time, the problem is not the world. The problem is you. And we all hate you for it.
Yeah, but: Similar to complainers, these are people who reject solutions to their problems by simultaneously acknowledging the potential effectiveness of a proposed solution while at the same time finding ways to continue to complain about the same problem. These are people who enjoy problems and find simple solutions oddly offensive.
Escalators: These are people who may have legitim
ate issues with individuals, organizations, and other entities, but rather than approaching these entities in a measured, productive, civil manner, they take pride and pleasure in airing out their issues in public or semipublic forums in ways that make everyone around them uncomfortable. These are also people who constantly assume the worst of others and love to threaten to sue at the drop of a dime.
Biggest problem with Kimberly
She’s all three of these people rolled up into one.
APRIL 10
11:45 AM
Prenatal visit #3
Mother in waiting room tells hyperactive toddler son to “Pound sand.”
Same mother tells Jill that her top is “fun.”
I love my baby already, and I know my baby is coming, but it still doesn’t seem real. Can’t believe this thing growing inside Jill will someday drive a car and eat Chinese food.
Pee and sex and menstruation and babies all happen in the same basic area of a woman, making you wonder what the fuck Mother Nature (evolution) was thinking.
“Baby looks great.” Three best words maybe ever.
I’m kind of obsessed with the male ob-gyn at the practice. How does that happen?
Doctor’s offices need coat hooks and Wi-Fi.
How I imagine a male ob-gyn might justify his life choices
“I’ve wanted to work with vaginas ever since I was a little boy. It was my calling.”
“The female form fascinates me.”
“It’s just a vagina. No different than an elbow or an eardrum, really.”
“It’s not like my wife’s vagina. I don’t get emotionally attached to the vaginas at work.”
“Someone has to poke around vaginas. I figured, ‘Why not me?’ Right?”
“I tell my mother that I’m a pediatrician. It’s easier that way.”
Future plan
Find a way to tell someone to “Pound sand” this month.
APRIL 10
7:33 PM
The most despicable things that parents do to their children
Dress identical twins identically
Eliminate risk and stakes from a child’s life through the proverbial parental bubble wrap and the construction of a glass floor that eliminates the possibility of failure via private schools, family businesses, and monetary bailouts
Put a child on a leash (literally)
Tell a child to “pound sand” (but this might also be amazing)
Insist on “helping” with school projects when help is not requested
Become overly involved in a child’s clothing decisions
Fail to read to a young child every single day of his/her life
Leave it entirely in the hands of their child to remain in contact with their parents when they become adults
APRIL 11
5:40 AM
Things that are bullshit
Bathrobes
Green bean casserole
Jill’s “Last one to get out of bed makes the bed” rule
Maypoles
Art in restaurant bathrooms
Throw pillows
APRIL 11
9:30 AM
Questions to ask at lunch without actually asking
What should I do? About basically everything?
How did you do everything right all the time?
Can you save me?
APRIL 11
11:45 PM
Lunch with Mr. Sullivan
He doesn’t age.
He still wears a jacket with patches on the elbows, even to a diner.
I’m a grown-ass man, but somehow he’s still my high school English teacher.
“I guess if you’re going to quit teaching, opening a bookstore is a noble alternative.”
He didn’t cry, but he also didn’t not cry when I told him that I decided to become a teacher because of him.
Married for 32 years.
Six kids
Why do restaurants just assume that it’s okay to place an unannounced pickle on my plate? Don’t they realize how pickles contaminate everything with their insidious pickle juice?
“I’ve read that it’s incredibly difficult to make a profit from bookstores today. You must be doing something right.”
It hurts to disappoint your high school English teacher, even as a grown-ass man.
He ordered a second cheeseburger after he finished the first. As casual as asking for a drink refill. I couldn’t believe it.
“It’s a shame you missed out on your pension by just a couple years. Even 20% would’ve been nice.”
“Honestly, after the third, it stops mattering. It’s sounds crazy, but six is basically the same as three.
“You just do whatever it takes to keep your family happy and safe. It’s that simple.”
“You can always go back to teaching, Daniel. There are always kids in need.”
Insisted on picking up the check.
Questions
Why didn’t I read about how incredibly difficult it is to make a profit from a bookstore today before opening a bookstore?
I had a pension?
What is the point of the patches on the sleeves of sports jackets?
I wonder if any of my former students will invite me to lunch someday.
Why did I think that I could get the answers to my most important questions without actually asking them?
Will I ever get to the point where I can just order a second cheeseburger like it’s no big thing?
APRIL 12
6:05 AM
When I knew Jill and I were perfect for each other
We both eat our hot dogs plain.
We both think that Swiper is the stupidest name for a television character whose primary function is to steal things from Dora the Explorer.
We don’t believe in waffling our fingers when holding hands.
We both can explain net neutrality, credit default swaps, and the symbolism in The Great Gatsby in plain English.
Questions I don’t dare ask
How did Peter eat hot dogs?
Does Jill avoid waffling our fingers because that was how she and Peter held hands?
How did Peter and Jill know that they were perfect for each other?
APRIL 12
8:45 PM
Reasons for fighting with Jill tonight
I told her kugel was a shitty food that Jews like only because they were indoctrinated to like it, and that if it was an objectively good food, it would be available in restaurants.
I said that her parents should probably stay in a hotel when they come to see the baby.
I proposed that no one be allowed to hold the baby until they admit that climate change is real.
I aggressively washed the dishes after she didn’t wash them right away.
Hormones
APRIL 13
5:20 AM
Facts about the baby moving
It moved.
I saw it move.
I felt it move.
I will never forget it for as long as I live.
APRIL 14
5:45 AM
Facts about me after I saw and felt the baby move
A baby doesn’t start to exist for me until I saw evidence that the baby exists.
I didn’t know that my baby didn’t exist in my mind until it started existing in my mind.
Believing that my baby exists makes me a new kind of happy.
Believing that my baby exists makes me a new kind of fucking terrified.
APRIL 14
7:50 PM
Best decisions I ever made
Staying off social media
Avoiding drugs
Migrating early from Internet Explorer
Sitting next to Jill in that faculty meeting
Seeing Tom Petty and Prince in concert before they died
Not proposing to Jill with that stupid airplane banner
Hiring Steve
APRIL 15
1:30 AM
More facts about me after I saw and
felt the baby move
I can’t sleep.
My baby deserves better.
My baby is real. Not theoretically real but moving around real.
I don’t think I can go through with it anymore.
I can’t risk this baby not having a father like me.
I can’t be selfish or stupid anymore.
Maybe being a father is enough.
I’ll find another way.
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Babies make men want to be better human beings.
APRIL 15
9:00 AM
New solutions
Tell Jill.
Close the store and find a job.
Ask Mom for help.
Ask Jake and Sophia for help.
Problems with new solutions
TELL JILL:
Doesn’t actually solve the problem
Makes me feel pathetic and weak
She has too much on her plate already
Peter never lied to her
I’ve lied for so long
I might lose her
CLOSE THE STORE AND FIND A JOB:
Store makes a little money, so it’s not a complete failure
Closing now would cost me more money than it would save (initially)
I’ve lied for so long
I might lose her
ASK MOM FOR HELP:
I would never hear the end of it
She might not have enough money to save me
Not a long-term solution
She would tell Jake
She might tell Jill
I might lose her
ASK JAKE AND SOPHIA FOR HELP:
I would never hear the end of it.
They would tell Mom.
They might tell Jill.
Not a long-term solution
It’s physically impossible for me to ask Jake for help.
APRIL 16
2:50 PM
Why Kimberly can’t be my assistant manager
I can’t afford an assistant manager.