Twenty-one Truths About Love
Page 15
I’ll just do the stairs and enough to get one car out.
I’ll do the stairs and enough to get one car out and the bottom of the driveway.
I might as well do the whole thing now.
How shoveling the snow in my driveway and planning this plan are alike
They are a lot alike.
APRIL 23
2:30 PM
Best things about Barbara and Gerry (Jill’s parents)
Never cared that I wasn’t Jewish
Never mention Peter
Laugh when I poke fun at Jewish holidays
Text messages are always properly punctuated
They know that my mother is a little crazy
They know that my brother is a bit of an asshole
They think that applauding at the end of a fireworks show is stupid
They would never think of spending a holiday at a 5K road race
Slightly less appealing but otherwise endearing parts of Barbara and Gerry
Their insistence of a full account of every one of my medical or proposed medical procedures, regardless of how trivial the procedure may be
Their reverence for the morning-after-the-visit breakfast of bagels and lox (necessitating an overnight stay when I could’ve just as easily driven home the night before)
Their need for gifts to be opened as absolutely soon as possible (once before I even removed my coat)
Genuinely unappealing parts of Barbara and Gerry
Their dogs are small, loud, and have no respect for needs of others
Their dogs make Clarence look like a fucking saint
They drink milk
They do not travel light
They prefer written directions to a GPS
They live 5 hours away
The problems with Jewish holidays
Scheduled on their own Jewish calendar so no one (including the Jews) knows when the next holiday is happening until you’re weeks (or days) away
Temple services last for hours
Holidays last 3–8 days, which is ridiculous and un-American
No decorations of any kind
Constantly remind non-Jews that their one appealing and possibly universally celebrated holiday (Hanukah) is a minor holiday at best
There are at least three correct spellings for Hanukah/Hanukkah/Chanukah
There are at least three correct spellings for a minor holiday
Shrouded in guilt
One of them requires you to read a book at the dinner table before eating
Overhyped, often terrible food
Overly hyped Jewish food
Gefilte fish (no one actually eats this)
Matzo ball soup (chicken broth with a dumpling)
Kugel (noodle pudding, which should say it all)
Brisket (nothing more than pot roast)
Hamantash (cookies)
Charoset (sweet dark-colored paste made of fruits and nuts, which should say it all)
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
If a food is not readily available in restaurants, it is not a good food.
APRIL 23
8:05 PM
What Barbara said outside the elevator
“Jill is more afraid than she’ll say.”
“I know this is hard to hear, but losing Peter makes this even scarier for her.”
“I want to know everything at every minute until this baby is born.”
“Bring the nurses food. They’re the ones who keep this place running.”
“Forget Passover. I don’t like it very much anyway.”
“I love your brother, but he makes a lot of things about himself.”
“There is no other man who I would want with my baby girl right now more than you.”
“I wish you wouldn’t wear sweatpants so often.”
“Why can’t Gerry just get the car without making it such a production?”
APRIL 24
2:15 AM
The worst people in the world
Families who think holidays are best spent running in early morning Turkey Trots, Ugly Sweater Runs, Snowflake Shuffles, Jingle Bell Jogs, or Ringing in the New Year Runs
Parents who demand that their children adhere to their own religious beliefs and/or marry within their religion
Anyone who watches videos on their phones in public places without headphones
People who back their cars into parking spots
Anyone who assumes that I want to be called Danny (excluding Bill) (I don’t know why)
APRIL 24
4:05 AM
Rules of self-praise
Rule: If you have to say that you were the smartest person in the room, you are definitely not the smartest person in the room.
Jake.
Corollary: Allow others to sing your praise. If you don’t feel like you’re receiving the credit you deserve, you haven’t earned the credit you deserve. Try harder.
Corollary to the corollary: If you engage in self-praise, please know that people will most assuredly disparage you when you are no longer present, including my mother-in-law, outside a hospital elevator.
Addendum to the corollary: Self-praise is permitted in the private company of spouses and significant others, and in job interviews and salary negotiations.
Additional addendum to the corollary: Sarcastic, exaggerated, tongue-in-cheek self-praise is permitted when done to be amusing because humor trumps all.
APRIL 25
5:05 AM
Advice my father gave me that is worth passing on to my child
“Shut up and keep swimming.” (always spoken in non-swimming contexts)
“There’s a dozen reasons not to like someone, so don’t let the color of their skin be one of them. That’s stupid. Just wait until they talk and you’ll find a reason.”
“Wish in one hand, spit in the other.”
“My house, my rules.”
“Don’t let anyone fool you. Death is hardest on the dead.”
“What you permit, you promote.”
“If you’re going to be blamed for it, you might as well do it.”
Additional advice I know I will offer my child
Invest in an index fund immediately.
Tighten lug nuts using an actual tire iron.
Don’t lie to your spouse about money.
Harry’s mushroom-and-onion pizza and iced tea will always make your mother happy.
Fuck people like BJ Novak and James Franco and all their success.
Cats are better than dogs.
APRIL 26
9:40 PM
Best parts of my day
Kimberly’s day off
Dad didn’t show up at store
Felt the baby move
Jill smiled a lot
Pie
“I wish we could have sex.”
APRIL 27
11:00 AM
Numbers during doctor’s follow-up
10 fingers on baby
2 items inserted into Jill’s vagina
10.9 inches
14 ounces
ONE full fucking minute before the doctor said the measurements were good
6 questions related to abdominal fullness, gas, belching, discharge, heartburn
4 reminders that we don’t want to know the sex of the baby
APRIL 27
11:45 AM
Things I do that make me a dick
I use the word “sex” instead of “gender” because it’s more accurate but really because it makes prudish people uncomfortable.
I pretend to be on the phone when passing Boy Scouts selling candy bars outside the grocery store.
I assume that people who buy lottery tickets are stupid.
I assume that people who scratch their scratch tickets inside the convenience store are the most stupid.
I have kept our pending financial ruin hidden from my pregnant wife to preserve my dignity a little while longer.
I won’t tell Jill that Clarence and I are
spooning at night now even though it would make her happy.
APRIL 28
3:00 PM
Jeff Bezos Response
Return to Sender
Insufficient Address
Unable to Forward
Return to Sender
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
The addresses of exceptionally wealthy people are apparently not as accurate as the Internet might suggest.
APRIL 29
9:45 AM
Thoughts by Steve
“Three kids bought 1984 today because they saw your Picks of the Month and knew it’s on their summer reading list. Have you considered supplying books to schools? Or at least getting your hands on those summer reading lists?”
“I know Hartford Baking Company opened down the street, but maybe they would want to do a satellite location here. To get some coffee and cookies in here. Or maybe do something ourselves. Margins. Right?”
“Maybe we could get some of the poets at the Sunken Garden Poetry Festival to appear here, too? Since they’ll be local. Won’t cost us anything for travel.”
Thoughts by me
I wonder how stupid Steve thinks I am for not thinking of any of these ideas already.
Steve should be running this store.
I need to promote Steve to assistant manager. He’ll probably end up paying for his own raise.
Why would someone like Steve even take an assistant manager job?
Added bonus: If Steve does take the job, maybe Kimberly will just quit.
None of this matters because we will run out of money in two months.
APRIL 29
4:45 PM
My “Do Not Read” List
The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
Anything by James Joyce
Anything by Virginia Woolf
The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (I don’t know why everyone loves this damn book)
Film versions better than the book versions
The Firm by John Grisham (ending of the film is far superior)
Forrest Gump by Winston Groom (a truly terrible book)
The Minority Report by Philip K. Dick (in fairness, Dick’s is a short story)
Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk (good novel, great movie)
Jaws by Peter Benchley (the Ellen–Brody infidelity drags the book down)
APRIL 29
5:20 PM
Level 3:
Corvette (under car cover)
Subaru Outback (green)
Note
Unless the Corvette moves, it’s the one.
I’m not going through with it, so this is all a mental exercise.
APRIL 30
3:05 AM
Ways our baby is more than just a baby
A future prom night
A first word
Singing Springsteen in the car
The shock of learning that Darth Vader is Luke’s father
Thousands of hours of reading in bed
Disney
Kindergarten recess in the snow
Hunting for Easter eggs in the backyard
First steps
Winter concerts
Running in bare feet on green grass
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
A person is more than a person. A person is the promise of everything that person can be.
A man who doesn’t believe in God prays in desperate times in the same way a drowning man attempts to draw breath while underwater. Sometimes all you have left is the impossible.
MAY
MAY 1
5:05 AM
Finances
Savings: 1,020
Income
A New Chapter: 1,232
Jill: 2,900
Expenses
House: 2,206
Toyota: 276
Honda: 318
Car insurance: 175
Student loans: 395
Cable and Internet: 215
Electric: 132
Oil: 0
Phones: 180
Gas: afraid to open bill
MAY 2
5:35 AM
DAYS WITHOUT
Chocolate glazed doughnuts
0
Gum
0
Little Debbie Snack Cakes
3
Flossing
98
Regret over quitting my job
0
Dad
5,818
MAY 2
5:52 AM
MINUTES WITHOUT
Worrying about money
0
Worrying about insurance
0
Panic over baby
0
Fear of future
0
Self-loathing
0
*excluding sleep (except in the case of self-loathing, which I am perfectly capable of even while sleeping)
MAY 2
9:05 AM
A New Chapter Picks of the Month for May
Goodnight Stories for Rebel Girls by Elena Favilli and Francesca Cavallo
Turbulent Souls: A Catholic Son’s Return to His Jewish Family by Stephen J. Dubner
The Moth Presents All these Wonders: True Stories About Facing the Unknown by Catherine Burns (editor)
Trans-Sister Radio by Chris Bohjalian
The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact by Chip Heath and Dan Heath
MAY 3
8:15 AM
Things I will never tell Jill
I ate four Little Debbie Snack Cakes in bed last night.
I researched arson using incognito mode.
I coaxed Clarence onto the bed with me.
MAY 6
5:20 PM
Level 3:
Corvette (under car cover)
Subaru Outback (green)
MAY 7
8:25 PM
5 benefits of a closet and/or bureau over a hamper
Using items as they were intended makes a lot of sense.
Bureaus and closets hide clothing so underwear and jeans do not become constant fixtures of your home.
Empty hampers are now available for laundry.
Spouses won’t feel like ignored jackasses when the clothing sits in hampers for months despite their endless protests.
Allowing problems to pile up month after month only creates an eventual breaking point.
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Putting away a wife’s clothing is like smoking crack. Amazing in the short term. Deadly in the long term.
You can make allusions to smoking crack without ever having smoked crack.
Sometimes the benefits of a closet and/or bureau over a hamper can also be applied to the rest of life.
MAY 8
11:15 AM
Steve update
Summer reading lists acquired from West Hartford, Farmington, Newington, and Bloomfield schools
$2,042 sale (15% discount) from Northwest Catholic to supply summer reading (Ta-Nehisi Coates’s Between the World and Me) to freshman and sophomore classes
I’m looking into One Book, One Town
Idea (from Jen): “Pop-up bookshop” at JCC book festival (and maybe other events)
Questions
What is One Book, One Town?
How do you do a “pop-up bookshop”?
Is a “pop-up bookshop” what I think it is?
MAY 8
3:00 PM
Hot-water heater
A thing in my basement that heats water for the house
A thing in my basement that broke sometime last night while I was asleep
A thing in my basement that can’t be fixed because it’s “a dinosaur”
A thing in my basement that will cost about $800 to replace because when it rains, it pours
MAY 9
8:20 PM
Updated proposed baby names
GIRLS
Cassidy
Clara
Juniper (I can’t believe she “kind of” likes it)
Olivia
BOYS
Jack
Charlie
Noah
VETOES
Ethel (what was she possibly thinking?)
Denise (preemptive strike—high school girl who treated me badly)
Isabella (too many possible nicknames)
Kindness (Jill says it’s even stupider than Cranberry and not a real name)
Glenn (Jill says it’s not a girl’s name even though Glenn Close fucking exists)
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Everything must start somewhere, damn it. Including names that aren’t names but are destined to be names.
MAY 10
10:55 PM
Update
Glenn Close is still alive.
Glenn Close is 70 years old.
She’s been married four times in four different decades.
The first three marriages lasted three years each.
Currently single
Grew up in a legit cult
Second cousin, once removed, of actress Brooke Shields
Seven-time Academy Award nominee (no wins) (ouch)
Publishes blogs where she interviews other celebrities about their relationships with their dogs.
Seriously.
Born Glenda Veronica Close (not telling Jill)
MAY 11
5:08 PM
Dad’s card
The same greeting card that he bought from Steve last week (using my own weapons against me)