The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

‘Where are you going?’

  ‘To find someone to complain to!’ I stomped off towards the door.

  It didn’t take Winter long to catch up. ‘Ivy,’ he began.

  ‘Don’t say anything.’ I marched up the stairs, hell-bent on my mission. ‘I need to do shouting right now.’

  ‘Shout at me.’

  I turned to face him. ‘I can’t shout at you.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because first of all, you were the target of that drowning as much as I was. Probably more than I was. And second, when I shout at you, you shout back and you usually make sense.’

  Despite our situation, Winter chuckled. ‘That bothers you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I snapped back. ‘I don’t want sense. I don’t want pragmatism or calm thoughts or anything logical.’

  ‘You just want to shout.’

  ‘You got it.’

  He pressed his lips together and pointed upwards. ‘Well, then,’ he said. ‘Go for it.’

  I glanced at his hands. ‘You still have that silly sceptre?’

  ‘That silly sceptre saved our lives.’

  My lip curled. ‘I still hate it.’

  Winter leant in. ‘Me too.’

  For a moment we grinned at each other. Then, slowly, Winter’s smile began to leave his face until his expression was something else entirely different. His eyes drifted downwards to my mouth and he raised his thumb, brushing it gently against my bottom lip. ‘Stray slime,’ he said softly. I shivered.

  ‘I still need to shout,’ I whispered. Someone had tried to kill him. No-one, I decided, was allowed to do that other than me. My rage was only building.

  His nod was barely perceptible. ‘Go get’em, bruiser.’

  I sucked in one deep breath then whirled round. I was most definitely on a mission.

  When I reached the top of the stairs, I had to use considerable energy to force the door open. That meant that when it finally budged, I went flying out and landed at the feet of two startled Neophytes.

  Maidmont hurried towards us from the other side of the hall. ‘What happened? Why are you all wet?’

  I looked at the librarian. He was wringing his hands and seemed very concerned by our sudden, bedraggled appearance.

  ‘We have retrieved the sceptre,’ I heard Winter say behind me. I sniffed and picked myself up. He could return the stupid thing to its stupid display cabinet. I couldn’t shout at Maidmont; I’d already tried that once today and it was like kicking a puppy. I needed to find someone else.

  I left Winter to explain what had happened and continued my march, storming out of the library and round the back to the next Order quadrant. There were many, many people staring. I couldn’t give a shit.

  I flew along the pavement, ignoring the sudden chill wind that whipped at my wet hair. I was a tornado of fury and I was going to find someone to vent all that fury on. I had a good mind to head straight for the Ipsissimus. When I passed the sign pointing towards human resources, however, I changed my mind. At least with this lot I wouldn’t be kept waiting.

  I made an abrupt turn left towards their small annexe. Slamming open the door so that it rattled violently in its frame, I pulled my shoulders back and stamped inside.

  ‘Hello,’ the brunette at the front desk called. ‘Isn’t it a wonderful day, today?’ Despite her words, her voice remained flat and unenthusiastic, as if she were merely repeating her welcome by rote. ‘Just look at all the sunny…’ She faltered as she took in my appearance.

  ‘All the what?’ I snapped. ‘All the witches conspiring to steal from the Order? All the witches conspiring to kill me and my partner? Or,’ I said, leaning forward with a dangerous glint in my eyes, ‘the people who fucked up and put me in this position in the first place?’

  The woman recoiled. I realised, somewhat belatedly, that I probably smelled bad but I really didn’t care. ‘Who’s in charge here?’ I demanded.

  She sniffed. ‘Adeptus Major Price. But if you want to see him you’ll need to make an appointment. He’s not here.’

  Price. I’d heard that name before. I searched my memory until I remembered that was who Tarquin was supposedly running errands for. My eyes narrowed. The plot thickened.

  ‘Well, that’s convenient,’ I said. I was betting that Price was actually here. She just didn’t want to trouble him with a sodden, pyjama-wearing crazy woman. Tough.

  I turned but, instead of leaving, headed straight for the door to the offices beyond.

  ‘Hey!’ the receptionist protested.

  I ignored her. I stalked down a corridor until I reached a large, open-plan office filled with red robes. The witch nearest me, seated at a large desk with a pile of paper in front of him, sniffed the air, made a face and looked up. As soon as he saw me, his eyes widened with alarm. I bent down. ‘Where,’ I said icily, ‘is your boss?’

  ‘He … he’s not here.’

  I folded my arms. ‘Where is his office?’

  The hapless witch raised a shaky finger and pointed behind him. I spotted the door at the side of the room. Nodding, I abandoned the witch. If Price really wasn’t in, I would wait. Or I’d yell at every single person in this bloody office. Frankly, it could go either way.

  I stomped over as more and more of the HR witches took notice. I paid them no attention and focused on the door. It was slightly ajar and I could hear voices from within. Aha.

  ‘If Price finds out that you screwed up like this,’ a female voice said, ‘he’ll chew up your insides. He’s in a lot of trouble with the Ipsissimus over this.’

  I had a sudden mental image of the nervous-looking witch from the boardroom meeting. Adeptus Major Price didn’t seem likely to chew up anyone’s insides; in fact, from what I remembered, he appeared more likely to run and hide in the corner.

  ‘Price won’t do anything,’ returned a familiar voice with an even more familiar sneer. I tensed. You had to be kidding me. ‘He barks a lot but he’s got no real power. Don’t tell him. This will go better if he doesn’t find out.’

  ‘Why did you even send her up there?’

  ‘I told you,’ Tarquin said. ‘They’ve been having a lot of trouble.’

  ‘Eve Harrington is First Level. She should never be sent anywhere on her own like that. Anything could happen.’

  ‘Eve’s very talented. I’m sure she can handle whatever is thrown her way. Besides, Adeptus Bawdrip has gone after her now. She won’t be on her own for much longer.’

  That was some good news, I supposed sourly. Tarquin was right on another point too: Eve was very talented. I kicked open the door and strode in. Both Tarquin and his companion jumped and turned guiltily.

  ‘Ivy?’ Tarquin looked me up and down. ‘What the hell have you been doing? Swimming in a sewer in your pyjamas?’

  I marched up to him and jabbed him in the chest. ‘Funnily enough,’ I snarled, ‘that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.’

  He blinked. ‘Oh. Adeptus Exemptus Winter really has been working you hard, hasn’t he?’

  ‘And I bet that really pisses you off.’ I crossed my arms. The little snippet I’d overheard was more than enough. ‘It wasn’t a paperwork mistake, was it? You deliberately sent Eve away because you knew she was your competition to be Winter’s partner. With her gone, the field would be clear for you to make your move.’ I glared at him. ‘You really screwed up there, didn’t you?’

  A guilty expression that I knew only too well crossed his eyes. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  ‘You’ve not changed a bit over the years, have you? You’re still just as conniving and devious as ever. Still overly ambitious and reaching above your station.’

  Tarquin looked at the woman. ‘It’s probably a good idea if you let me deal with this.’

  She stared at him and in that instant I knew he was sleeping with her. All the better to pull the wool over someone’s eyes. Tarquin was good at that. I should know.

  ‘Yes, love,’ I agreed. ‘Why don’t you piss off?’ Sh
e wasted no time rushing out of the room and closing the door behind her.

  Tarquin looked at me, amused. ‘There’s no need to get jealous, Ivy.’

  I snorted. ‘That’ll be the day. She’s welcome to you. Although I imagine that once she finds out what a snake you are, she’ll run for the hills.’

  He tutted. ‘Such venom.’

  He could tut all he wanted; now I knew the truth. ‘If I’d known you worked for HR, I’d have realised it sooner. You sent Eve away and blamed it on a mistake. You’ve probably done something to make sure that Price takes the fall for it. You reckoned that Winter would come running to you when he realised she wasn’t around.’

  ‘You have no proof. All you have are your own ravings, the ravings of the witch who cheated in an exam by copying from me and then assaulted me when things didn’t go her way.’

  ‘Everyone believed you then. They won’t believe you now.’

  ‘I only did what I had to. My father’s been breathing down my neck. You know what he’s like. If Eve had partnered with Winter, he’d have wanted to know why I failed. Winter’s the most talented witch in the Order. He’s going places. My father wanted…’

  ‘Oh, shut up. Stop using your dad as an excuse. This is all you, Tarquin. You’re the one who keeps doing this to people.’ I glared. ‘How many others have there been over the years? How many more people have you stamped on so you could rise to the top?’

  ‘It’s not like that.’ A calculated expression passed fleetingly over his face. ‘You don’t need to be like this, Ivy. We can work together, you and me. You can get your revenge on the Order for booting you out. They’re the ones at fault here, not me.’

  Pah. I ignored his pathetic attempt to bring me into the fold. ‘What I don’t understand is why, after you’d already failed, you sent Bell End and Alice after Eve. What was the big plan there? Follow her and hope she screws up so you can still take her place after I’m gone?’

  Tarquin frowned. ‘Eh?’

  ‘Matthew Bellham and Alice Fairclough,’ I said through gritted teeth. ‘Haven’t you been wondering where they’ve got to? Weren’t you worried that they’d vanished?’

  Tarquin looked at me. ‘Isn’t Fairclough Second Level? An Adeptus Minor?’

  Something about his tone rang true. ‘You don’t know her.’

  ‘I know she’s Second Level. Why has she disappeared? And who’s the other guy?’

  I shook my head. ‘You idiot. You absolute sodding plonker. You sent Eve away and then you kept it quiet, didn’t you? You didn’t want anyone to know that she’d gone. Even the Ipsissimus has been trying to keep it under wraps so people don’t realise how messed up the Order can be. Eve is up in the middle of nowhere, on her own, dealing with goodness knows what.’ And the news that she was gone and I’d taken her place hadn’t reached the bad guys in time. They thought her partnership with Winter had gone ahead.

  Winter had told me that he had magical guards in place to avoid being tracked – and that every Second Level witch did the same. Eve wasn’t Second Level yet; Bell End and Alice wanted to use those herbs to cast a spell to follow her, so that they could also follow Winter. The only reason I could think of why someone would do that was related to the sceptre and the fact that Winter had almost just died. As had I. But surely the sceptre’s value wasn’t worth all this trouble – was it?

  The door opened and Winter appeared, filling the entire doorway with his muscular figure. Compared to him, Tarquin looked small and weedy. I wondered how things would have gone down between them if Tarquin’s plan had worked. Somehow I didn’t think Tarquin would fool Winter for long.

  Winter’s blue eyes flicked from Tarquin to me and back again. ‘Have you finished shouting?’ he enquired.

  I tilted my head and considered. My desire to vent loudly had dissipated in the face of certain truths but there were still some hard questions that needed answering. For now, I nodded.

  I could almost feel Tarquin about to burst with nerves as to whether I’d dob him in or not. It was very tempting; I’d have loved to wipe that smug smile off his face once and for all. Despite what he might believe, however, I wasn’t that vengeful. I’d worked through my issues with him a long time ago and decided he didn’t deserve any sleepless nights. I hoped that Eve felt the same because, in the end, she was the one who’d been genuinely wronged by Tarquin’s actions. I was just the bystander who’d been drawn in by accident. I’d let Eve decide how to deal with him when she got back. It was only fair.

  ‘I think I’m good,’ I told Winter. ‘But I’m starting to get a bit cold.’

  ‘I thought you might be.’ With another hard look in Tarquin’s direction, he tossed me a clean robe. I never thought I’d be happy to put on one of those things but I sighed contentedly and pulled it round my shoulders.

  Winter smiled. ‘I think you gave half the Order heart attacks walking around like that. People are still talking about the woman in transparent wet pyjamas storming through the buildings. It made following you very easy.’

  Transparent, huh? I grinned. ‘Well, you did make it very clear that I was to dress appropriately for my position.’ He was also wearing a robe. Rather than clashing with the brilliant blue of his eyes, the red rather suited him. ‘I thought I’d prove that I have nothing to hide.’

  ‘Adeptus Exemptus Winter,’ Tarquin began. ‘I think you should know that your partner…’

  Winter took me by the elbow and propelled me out of the room, leaving Tarquin gaping like a guppy. Together we strolled out of HR as if we’d merely popped by for a convivial cup of tea and were now leaving for an afternoon picnic.

  ‘Can you give me a lift home?’ I asked, once we were outside. ‘Unless there’s more work you’d like us to do first.’

  A ghost of a smile crossed his face. ‘I think you’ve probably done enough for the day.’

  I’d say. Unfortunately, I wasn’t finished yet. For now, however, I chose the easy option. ‘Thank you,’ I said softly. ‘For helping me down there. I’d be dead if it weren’t for you.’

  ‘You wouldn’t have been in danger if it weren’t for me.’

  I inclined my head and didn’t argue.

  We walked in silence for a few minutes. There were still a lot of people staring at us. I flicked back my hair and added a little strut. If I was going to look and smell like the creature from the black lagoon, I ought to own it.

  ‘Was he your boyfriend?’ Winter enquired, out of the blue, obviously referring to Tarquin.

  I blinked. ‘Uh, yeah. A long time ago. I was still a teenager when we were together. It didn’t last. He’s also the one I assaulted,’ I added helpfully.

  ‘Because he dumped you or because he cheated and you got the blame?’ I shot Winter a surprised look. He frowned at me. ‘I’m an investigator, Ivy. This was hardly a difficult case to crack.’

  ‘No-one believed me before.’

  He scratched his chin. ‘I think they probably did,’ he said finally. ‘But Tarquin’s last name is Villenueve and his father has donated a vast amount to the Order. His great-grandfather was Ipsissimus. Their magic runs strong.’ He gave me a sidelong glance. ‘I’m not blind to the Order’s faults, Ivy,’ he said softly. ‘And no single person or organisation is perfect.’

  I grunted. Even so, there was a warm glow inside me. I leaned into Winter, enjoying his reassuring solidity. He was a good guy. A very good guy.

  Chapter Twelve

  It was still light when we pulled up outside my block of flats. That made a pleasant change these days. I didn’t unclip my seatbelt immediately and I could feel Winter’s curiosity growing.

  ‘Is everything alright?’ he asked. ‘You should probably get inside and get out of those wet things.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I agreed. ‘I should.’ A shadow passed across the dashboard and I looked up, counting seven magpies wending their way over us towards the small copse of trees on the other side of my estate. No choice, then. I took a deep breath. ‘There’s somethin
g you should see first.’

  ‘I’ve already seen quite a lot, thanks to those wet pyjamas,’ Winter deadpanned.

  I managed a weak smile. When I didn’t immediately return a saucy remark, Winter’s gaze grew more serious. ‘What is it, Ivy?’

  ‘It’s easier if I show you.’

  We headed inside. As a measure of how guilty he was feeling for what had happened in the depths of the library, Winter didn’t comment when I veered towards the lift. Instead, he simply waited until it arrived. I had a feeling that his sudden amiable temperament was about to change dramatically.

  Rather than heading for my own flat, I led him towards Eve’s. Winter raised his eyebrows but said nothing. I took out her keys and placed them in the lock. Before I turned them, I faced him. ‘This happened after that first day,’ I informed him. ‘Maybe I should have told you earlier but they’re from the Order and I wasn’t sure if I could trust you. One of them was carrying the same combination of herbs that you used in the library to evoke the past.’

  Winter didn’t move a muscle. ‘Ivy,’ he said, his voice sounding strained, ‘have you killed someone?’

  ‘It’s not quite as bad as that,’ I replied with a nervous laugh. I unlocked the door and let Winter enter in front of me.

  Harold, apparently surprised to have yet another unfamiliar intruder in his home, let out a soft growl and darted for the underbelly of the sofa. Winter paid the cat no attention; his focus was on Bell End and Fairclough. They’d obviously been trying hard to free themselves, judging by the mess they’d created as they’d shifted around in a bid to break their bonds. All the same, they remained as trussed up as before.

  ‘Adeptus Minor Fairclough,’ Winter said. He looked at me. ‘This is why you were asking whether I knew her or not.’

  I nodded. For her part, she angled her head away as if the curtain of her hair would be enough to hide her. Bell End took a different approach. He struggled violently against his bonds, an urgent expression in his eyes. I walked over and loosened his gag.

  ‘Help us!’ Bell End burst out to Winter. ‘This crazy woman attacked us and is holding us hostage!’