The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  The perfectly coiffed man smiled back, although a touch more nervously now that he knew who he was dealing with. Winter seemed to have that effect on a lot of people. ‘We’ve been expecting you,’ he said. ‘I’m to take you to one of our meeting rooms.’

  He stepped out from behind the desk and led the way. I was tempted to start sliding again but the moment had passed. Instead I decided to fill the silence with something more helpful. ‘What’s your name?’

  He didn’t turn around. ‘Michael Weathers.’

  ‘And did you know Adeptus Exemptus Diall well?’ I enquired.

  ‘He didn’t speak to me very often,’ Weathers answered. ‘But I’m only a Neophyte and I don’t have much aptitude for magic. I mean,’ he said hastily, with a backward glance at Winter, ‘I can do the basics but I’m not that talented.’

  ‘Maybe you just need to find your niche,’ I suggested.

  ‘I thought I was doing well,’ he said in a low voice. ‘But Adeptus Diall set me straight. I have a lot to learn. I’m not sure I’ll ever progress.’

  I nudged Winter meaningfully. Maybe Diall hadn’t just worked on elevating those whose talent was inferior; he might also have tried to keep down those with genuine abilities. So much for Order honour.

  Winter nodded, acknowledging my meaning. ‘What have your duties been?’ he asked Weathers.

  ‘Manning the desk. That’s what I do.’

  ‘You’ve not been sent out on any recent errands?’

  Weathers let out a humourless laugh. ‘No. I don’t go anywhere.’

  No doubt Winter would insist on double-checking this but I was certain that the receptionist was telling the truth; we weren’t going to find anything more useful from him.

  ‘You know,’ I said, feeling sorry for the young man, ‘we would make a great team. The three of us, I mean. We’d be Wilde Wintry Weather. We should start our own agency immediately.’

  Winter raised his eyes to the heavens. I shrugged. I thought it was a great idea. Judging by the way Weathers’ shoulders were shaking, he did too.

  Weathers deposited the pair of us in a pentagonal meeting room; another acknowledgment of the abilities of Geomancy no doubt. Seemingly from out of nowhere, Winter pulled out a sheet of paper with a list of names on it. I peered over his shoulder. There had to be at least twenty people. I heaved a silent sigh of despair. We were going to be here forever.

  ‘You should take the lead in the interviews,’ Winter said, surprising me.

  I blinked. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because people seem to like you. You have a way of getting them to open up. Look at that man there. Weathers. I thought he was going to tell you his whole life story.’

  I pursed my lips. ‘I’ve been a taxi driver for quite a few years,’ I said. ‘And people like to chat. Maybe it’s rubbed off.’ I grinned. ‘That, or I’m supremely talented.’

  Winter smirked as if the idea were ridiculous and I punched him in the arm. He yelped, startling the first interviewee who almost backed out of the room again.

  ‘Come in, come in!’ I called out cheerfully. ‘I’m just beating up my associate.’

  The woman shuffled into the room, throwing me a wary glance. She sat down on the chair in front of us, perching on the edge in case she had to make a run for it. So much for my winning ways.

  I knitted my fingers underneath my chin and relaxed. ‘Hi.’ I checked the sheet. ‘Bethany.’

  ‘Hi,’ she responded.

  I thought about how to start. Given how many names there were on the list, and that I wanted to get home again before the next millennium was up, I decided there was no point in beating around the bush. ‘Have you ever stolen anything for Adeptus Diall?’

  Shock rippled across her face. ‘What? I … what? No!’

  ‘What was the last thing he asked you to do?’

  ‘Make him a cup of coffee.’

  I leant forward. ‘How did he take his coffee?’

  ‘Three sugars.’ She stared wildly at Winter as if praying he would rescue her. He didn’t.

  ‘You may go now,’ I said, dismissing her.

  ‘But…’

  ‘Go! Shoo!’ I waved her off. ‘Send in the next one.’

  As soon as she left the room, Winter leant across to me. ‘Ivy,’ he said patiently. ‘The reason I said you could take the lead is because you’re nice to people. It encourages them to tell the truth. I don’t think the approach you just used is going to do that.’

  ‘We’re on a clock though, aren’t we? We need to find the missing Cypher Manuscript before whoever’s taken it grasps all of its magic.’

  He looked at me suspiciously. ‘Is that the only reason?’

  ‘Of course!’ I smiled innocently.

  ‘Why did you ask her how Diall takes his coffee?’

  ‘To see whether she was lying or not. The devil is in the detail. She didn’t hesitate. She’s nothing more than a coffee flunky.’ I amended this slightly. ‘At least as far as Diall was concerned.’ I paused. Hang on a second.

  The next witch was edging into the room. I held up my hand and he halted in mid-step. ‘Bring Bethany back.’ He didn’t say a word but turned on his heel and did as I asked.

  ‘Actually,’ I murmured in an aside to Winter, ‘this power thing is kind of fun. If we get Volume 9 back maybe I should keep it for a while. It’s not as if you lot can look after it safely.’

  Winter tutted as Bethany, looking more nervous than before, came back in. ‘Sit down, please,’ I told her.

  She did as I asked. ‘What is it?’

  I leant forward. Bethany leant back. ‘I’m going to assume that you make coffee for a lot of people in this office.’

  Her eyes darted to Winter. He was watching me intently. ‘I suppose.’

  ‘That must be a bit shit. You’re just as much of a witch as them, right?’

  Her nose twitched like a rabbit’s. I was right. ‘Yeah,’ Bethany admitted cautiously. ‘It’s a pain but I don’t mind that much.’

  I pointed towards the door. ‘That guy.’ I glanced at Winter’s sheet of paper. ‘Bill January. How does he take his coffee?’

  ‘He doesn’t,’ she answered. ‘He prefers tea. Weak and milky.’ Her expression told me exactly what she thought of his preference.

  ‘How much of your time do you spend by the kettle?’

  She looked wary, as if I were trying to accuse her of something. ‘Quite a bit.’

  I pressed ahead. ‘I bet that when you give them their drinks, they barely even notice you.’

  ‘Sometimes they say thank you,’ she muttered.

  ‘And sometimes they don’t.’ I smiled. ‘Sometimes they’re in mid-conversation and they barely pay you any attention at all.’

  Her bottom lip jutted out. ‘Yeah.’

  My smile grew. ‘As a result, you probably know more about what’s going on under this roof than anyone else. You hear things. Lots of things.’ She didn’t say anything. ‘Bethany?’

  ‘Was that a question?’

  I liked her. ‘Am I right?’ I asked softly.

  She shrugged. ‘I guess.’

  ‘Are there any illicit romances going on?’

  Winter sucked in his breath but didn’t stop me. That was good. I knew what I was doing. Sort of.

  Bethany’s eyes shifted. ‘Deborah from marketing is having an affair with Tony.’ She hesitated then dropped her voice. ‘He’s married. They think I’ve not noticed but they share looks all the time. Brush against each other when they think no one is paying attention. That kind of thing.’

  She clearly disapproved. To encourage her, I pursed my lips and shook my head. ‘Awful.’ I crossed my legs. ‘You have an eye for detail.’

  The compliment pleased her. ‘I do.’

  I kept my voice soft and went in for the kill. ‘Have you noticed anything unusual lately about anyone here? Anything at all? You could really help us out. Winter will put in a good word for you. He’s terribly important but he doesn’t let it go t
o his head. In fact, he’s made coffee for me and I’m a nobody.’

  Bethany thought about it. ‘The HR Head. What’s his name? Adeptus Price? He was round here looking for Adeptus Diall. He seemed quite desperate to talk to him.’

  ‘Did he say why?’

  ‘No. He was pretty frantic though.’

  I exchanged glances with Winter. ‘Anything else?’

  Bethany shrugged. ‘Some people are missing. We’ve not seen them for days. No one’s saying anything because they think that they’re on some kind of secret mission for Diall. But I know they weren’t expecting to be away for so long because I’ve had to field calls about their missed appointments.’

  ‘Who? Who’s not here?’

  ‘Matthew Bellham and Alice Fairclough. They work together as partners. They left three days ago without telling anyone where they were going or what they were up to and we don’t know where they are now.’ Oh, yeah, them. I grimaced slightly but Bethany wasn’t done. ‘And another witch has been gone for ages. A First Level witch called Oscar Marsh.’

  A triumphant trumpet sounded in my head. ‘Tell me about him.’

  ‘He’s a drunk,’ she said dismissively. ‘Adeptus Diall seemed to like him but he’s useless. And he’s a bastard.’

  ‘What makes you say he’s a bastard?’

  ‘He was born out of wedlock, of course.’

  I blinked. ‘Er…’

  Bethany ignored my startled reaction. ‘He doesn’t hold with the old ways. He brings a laptop into work.’ Her eyes grew saucer-wide. ‘A laptop,’ she repeated, obviously shocked at such a heinous infraction of the rules.

  ‘Unbelievable.’

  She nodded fervently in agreement.

  ‘When was the last time you saw him?’

  ‘He left an hour or two after Bellham and Fairclough. He’s not been back since.’

  ‘Bethany,’ Winter said, ‘could you get us his personnel file?’

  She seemed surprised. ‘Oh, I don’t have it. All those sorts of things are kept over at HR.’

  I frowned at Winter. ‘Is that typical?’

  ‘I suppose so.’

  I couldn’t help wondering whether Tarquin was involved with this too. He was in HR and I certainly wouldn’t put it past him. ‘Thank you so much, Bethany. You’ve been extraordinarily helpful. You may go.’

  ‘Sure.’ She stood up and pushed her chair back before bobbing her head and leaving. Once she’d gone, I got to my feet as well. ‘Now that,’ I said with a dramatic flourish, ‘is how to conduct twenty interviews in five minutes. Let’s get out of here.’

  Winter didn’t move. ‘There are still nineteen people to go.’

  ‘Yeah, but we’ve got what we needed. Bethany has her finger on the pulse.’ I grinned. ‘Never underestimate the tea lady.’

  ‘It’s important to talk to everyone.’

  ‘It’ll take hours, days probably. We don’t have that kind of time and we already have a new lead. Stop being such a stickler for the rules, Rafe. We can come back if we need to.’

  ‘This is not the way things are normally done.’

  ‘You should be happy.’

  ‘I am.’ He didn’t look it. He seemed rather disturbed.

  ‘You’re not smiling,’ I pointed out. He didn’t smile all that often and he really should because his eyes crinkled up and he looked approachable and warm rather than – wintry. ‘Don’t worry about Bethany. There are people like her in every office up and down the land. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled that you could talk to someone about giving her more responsibility but she probably loves knowing all the gossip too. She’d be great at the reception desk,’ I mused. ‘Then Michael Weathers could go off and improve his magic.’

  Winter still didn’t smile. ‘And what if someone whose parents dared to have sex before marriage shows up?’

  I shrugged. ‘She’s old-fashioned. And yes, a bit odd. But we can’t lock everyone up for that. If we did, I reckon the two of us would be top of the list. Besides, this is the Order. Weird goes with the territory. Along with power hungry, overly ambitious and downright irritating.’

  Winter sighed and pushed back his hair. ‘Let’s find the file for this Marsh fellow and pay him a visit. We should probably talk to Adeptus Price too and find out why he was so desperate to speak to Diall. But we need to make a detour first.’

  I wrinkled my nose. ‘A long detour?’

  ‘We can take fifteen minutes out.’ His jaw hardened. ‘It’ll be worth it.’

  ‘Will it involve stairs?’

  I didn’t get an answer.

  In the end, I was rather thankful for Winter’s side mission. It was grey and blustery outside, with a chill that penetrated my bones. It was the sort of day when, by rights, I should have been curled up on my sofa with my duvet and a vast mug of steaming hot chocolate. I moaned at the thought; that garnered me a strange look from Winter.

  We ended up in a large unsignposted building. I must have passed it on numerous occasions when I was a Neophyte but I’d never wondered what it was. ‘What is this place?’ I enquired, trotting to keep up with Winter’s long-legged march. ‘And can you slow down?’

  ‘I promised you fifteen minutes. I would hate to go back on my word.’ He still didn’t tell me where we were.

  We swerved round the corner and came out into a vast atrium. I gasped. It was really quite something. Even with the grey skies outside, the light filtering in through the glass was extraordinary. There were plants everywhere, some of which I recognised, some I didn’t. Every shade of green was represented and the earthy smell that filled the space was incredibly alluring. It almost made me want to start my own allotment. Almost.

  ‘Let me guess. This is for herb lovers like you?’

  ‘Try again.’

  There was a strange chattering sound. I spotted a squirrel with an impressively bushy tail disappearing into the undergrowth. ‘Hey!’ I exclaimed. ‘That squirrel was red!’ I turned to Winter and realised he was watching me carefully.

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘It’s part of a programme we’re undertaking to help the red squirrels return in full force to the countryside now that we’re over-run by greys.’ He pointed to a patch of tall plants. ‘Look at these.’

  ‘Wheat?’

  ‘Yes. Magic is being used to strengthen their roots and their ability to grow in difficult terrains. There’s already been considerable success and farmers across the world are reaping the benefits. Literally.’

  Okay, I was impressed. I opened my mouth to ask Winter another question but my attention was caught by a gaggle of uniformed children heading our way. I raised an eyebrow. ‘Getting the magically inclined in while they’re young?’

  He shook his head. ‘Wrong again.’ He gestured to the red-robed witch leading the way and she ambled over.

  ‘Adeptus Exemptus Winter! What a pleasure.’ She presented her cheek for him to kiss then kissed him back. I banked down the trickle of anger I felt at someone else’s lips touching the cheek of my partner. What a ridiculous thing to be annoyed about.

  ‘This is Ivy Wilde,’ he said. ‘Ivy, meet Adeptus Major Goldstein.’

  There was a flicker of curiosity in her gaze as she smiled at me and inclined her head. ‘Pleased to meet you.’

  ‘Why don’t you tell Ivy what you’re doing?’

  Goldstein lit up. ‘My pleasure. I’m with this group who’ve come from London.’

  She was interrupted by a boy of about ten who tugged impatiently at her sleeve. ‘I need to go to the toilet.’ He spoke in an oddly stilted manner and wouldn’t look her directly in the eye.

  ‘Of course.’ She beckoned another witch from the back of the pack who led the boy away.

  ‘He’s autistic,’ I said.

  She smiled. ‘Yes, in this group they all are. We use magic to boost their development and help them make sense of the world. It’s a slow process but we’re seeing some real results. Yesterday, we had a great bunch of kids in who were all suffering from canc
er. We haven’t found a way to beat their disease but we were able to show them the progress we’ve been making in the labs.’

  I licked my lips. ‘Wow. That’s … that’s really good.’ The words sounded stupid. Talk about an understatement.

  One of the younger children reached out and touched a rose stem, drawing back and howling when a thorn pierced his skin. Goldstein hurried over to him while I turned to Winter. ‘So that’s today’s lesson, is it? That the Order does a lot of good?’ I’d been dimly aware that there were projects like these but I’d never given them much thought.

  ‘You were only here as a Neophyte for a couple of months, Ivy. Your focus would have been on initiation and basic studies.’ A trace of a smile crossed his mouth. ‘Although I’m pretty certain you skipped the fitness components.’

  ‘Hey!’ I protested. ‘They were voluntary.’

  ‘Everything we’ve experienced so far – and everyone we’ve met – has suggested that the Order is big and bad and thoroughly inward-looking.’ His gaze grew more intense. ‘Yes, witches here are ambitious but they have good reason to be. It’s not all murder investigations and stolen objects. The people here aren’t all evil power seekers or downtrodden receptionists. You’ve seen the sordid side because that’s what the Arcane Branch is involved with.’ He shrugged. ‘That’s part of our job description. But you need to understand what we are fighting for. I know things turned sour for you all those years ago, and I know we’re probably not making much of a positive impression on you now, but I promise that most of what the Order achieves is for the betterment of everyone, regardless of whether they are witches or not.’

  I met his eyes. ‘Why isn’t this kind of thing advertised more often? If more people knew what the Order was doing, they’d be more inclined to think well of you.’

  ‘Nothing is secret. Anyone can petition to find out what we’re up to. But good news doesn’t make headlines and, regardless of what you might think, we don’t like to boast.’

  My gaze swept across the impressive space. ‘Why are you showing me this?’ I asked. ‘I think I’ve proved that I’ve invested. I’m taking the investigation seriously and not simply hanging onto your coat-tails.’