The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  Tarquin’s eyes took in the evidence. ‘That’s … that’s … preposterous,’ he said, his eyes darting to and fro as if I were accusing him of doing it.

  ‘What’s preposterous,’ I said, ‘is using the word “preposterous”. Say it several times. It’s a daft word.’

  ‘Look, Ivy,’ Tarquin said through gritted teeth. ‘I don’t know what you’re trying to say but I can assure you that Human Resources takes its duties very seriously. We do not let just anybody waltz in here and mess around with the logbook. These files are private, they’re not given out to anyone who simply shows up.’

  ‘And yet,’ I told him softly, ‘the evidence that they are is right here.’ I paused. ‘I still need the file.’

  ‘I don’t know where it is.’ He lowered his voice. ‘I know I did you wrong all those years ago but I wouldn’t do this.’

  I arched an eyebrow. ‘At no point have I suggested this was your doing but you’re protesting quite…’ I paused ‘…vociferously.’ I grinned, very pleased with myself.

  Tarquin waved a hand at the rows of filing cabinets. ‘You are welcome to look through them.’ His manner was stiff and unyielding. ‘But on Adeptus Price’s orders, I’ve already searched all of them in case the file was returned to the wrong place.’

  That was interesting. Why would Price ask Tarquin to do that if he thought that someone else had checked out the file?

  Tarquin wasn’t finished. ‘What are you doing here anyway? You don’t want to be in the Order, Ivy. When you left eight years ago, you swore you’d never be back.’

  ‘I didn’t leave,’ I reminded him. ‘I was kicked out. Because of you.’

  ‘All the same, this isn’t your kind of thing. Even back then you never wanted to be in Arcane Branch. Why now? Why not leave and let someone else do your job? There are plenty of people who want it.’

  ‘Oh, we all know it’s you who wants it, Tarquin,’ I responded. ‘But you can’t have it. I’m magically bound to work with Winter, whether I want to or not. So there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.’

  ‘It can’t be that strong a binding,’ he retorted. ‘You’re here and he’s not. How does that work?’

  I opened my mouth to answer then I realised he was right. The terms of the binding were that Winter and I worked in tandem, not just remain within five miles of each other; it had seemed that we were supposed to stay together while investigations were actively under way. But this time when we were apart, I hadn’t experienced any strange prickling along my skin like before. Maybe it was because the spell was somehow aware I was here doing Winter’s bidding. Or maybe it was for another reason.

  ‘You’re not much of a magic expert, are you, Tarquin?’ I said dismissively. ‘No wonder you had to cheat to get where you are.’ He glared at me and I smiled in return. ‘Oh, if only looks could kill.’ I patted him on the shoulder. ‘But they can’t. So I’ll have to get on with the vital business of the Arcane Branch and you can get back to your personnel files.’

  And with that, I swiftly made my exit.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Arcane Branch was bustling. There was a buzz in the air that I’d not noticed when I came in with Winter the first time and there were many happy and relieved faces. I clocked two red robes slapping each other on the back and pursed my lips. Something was up.

  I went back to the interrogation room. As soon as I entered, I saw Winter cuffing Oscar Marsh. ‘What’s going on?’ I asked.

  ‘The missing Manuscript has been found,’ Winter told me.

  I blinked in surprise. ‘Really?’

  ‘Apart from the one burnt page we already know about, it’s intact.’ He gave Marsh a little jab. ‘It’s just as well.’

  I found my voice. ‘Where was it?’

  Winter smiled grimly. ‘Here. It was at the Order all along.’

  I looked from Winter to Marsh and back again. I had a feeling I already knew the answer but I asked anyway. ‘Where exactly?’

  ‘In Oscar’s desk drawer.’

  No shit. ‘Was it locked? Warded? Was it difficult to get hold of?’

  ‘None of the above.’

  I licked my lips. ‘Isn’t that a little strange?’

  ‘I don’t know what it was doing there!’ Marsh shouted. ‘I’m being set up!’ The effort of making this outburst seemed to affect him adversely; he’d only just finished speaking when his skin turned a faint shade of green. I hoped Winter was going to keep that bin handy in case Marsh threw up.

  ‘Shut up,’ Winter said, although his tone was mild. He looked at me. ‘Did you get hold of his personnel file?’

  ‘Nope.’

  Winter’s mouth tightened but otherwise he didn’t react.

  Another two red robes entered. The disgust in their eyes when they looked at Marsh was obvious. Winter passed him over into their custody then turned to me. ‘All’s well that ends well,’ he said.

  I considered this. ‘Unless you’re dead like Adeptus Diall. Isn’t Marsh just a little too convenient? Isn’t this all a bit too easy?’

  Winter raised an eyebrow. ‘I thought you liked the easy way out.’

  I did and I was experienced at seeking it out, which was why Marsh’s guilt was too straightforward. The man seemed barely capable of holding a conversation, let alone masterminding this kind of crime. Winter, however, didn’t appear to give my concerns a second thought.

  I pressed ahead. ‘Does the blood on Marsh’s shirt match Diall’s?’ I asked.

  ‘We’re still waiting on the lab results.’ Winter smiled briefly. ‘Come on. I’ll take you home and you can sprawl out and snooze away the rest of the day.’

  I stared at him. ‘You do realise what time it is? The day is already over.’

  He chuckled and patted me on the shoulder then headed out, leaving me to follow. I gazed at his back in confusion. Since when was Adeptus Exemptus Raphael Winter the chuckling type?

  Winter dropped me outside my block of flats; apparently he no longer felt the need to stay around me. When I’d suggested now would be a good time to release Bell End and Alice into the welcoming hands of either the Order or the police, he had demurred, telling me to wait until tomorrow. That wasn’t like him either. I stood on the pavement as he took off, wondering what I was missing.

  I went inside and checked on my trussed-up pair. Feeling a bit sorry for them, I gave them a chance to stretch out their limbs. Both appeared too dejected to try to escape; whether that was as a result of Diall’s death or their prolonged incarceration, I had no idea.

  Harold, for his part, seemed perfectly content. As I was leaving, he wedged himself next to Alice with a throbbing purr. Fickle creature, although not as fickle as Princess Parma Periwinkle. She was nowhere in sight. She was probably like her owner and had gone off to hunt for her own food because getting it out of a packet or a tin was too easy. Or she’d decided she didn’t like it here and had headed off home. Whatever.

  I took a long hot shower. When I emerged, Brutus was staring at me. ‘Food.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah.’ I reached down and scratched under his chin. He nipped my fingers with his teeth.

  ‘Food.’

  The phone started to ring. Offering him a helpless smile, I went to answer it. ‘This is Ivy.’

  ‘Ivy! Thank goodness you answered! I’ve been trying to get hold of you but you never seem to be in.’

  We were both well aware of how out of character this was. ‘Hi, Eve. Things are … good. Harold is fine. I’m fine. More to the point, how are you?’

  ‘Brilliant!’ I could hear the joy in her voice. ‘We’re just about finished up here. I thought I’d screwed things up because the Order sent two other witches but they’ve been a great help so I’ll be home tomorrow. I can’t wait to see my little munchkin.’

  I hoped she was referring to Harold rather than me. ‘That’s great news.’ I hesitated. ‘Did these other two witches say anything about what was happening back in Oxford?’ What I really wanted to know was wh
ether she knew that I’d taken her coveted spot.

  ‘No, not much,’ she answered cheerfully.

  I breathed a sigh of relief. Obviously she’d find out what had happened sooner or later but it was the sort of news I’d prefer to break in person. ‘What time do you think you’ll be back?’ I asked

  ‘Mid-afternoon, I reckon. Are you sure everything’s okay?’

  ‘Yes, yes. Just … come and see me before you do anything else, will you?’

  Her voice immediately filled with suspicion. ‘Why?’

  ‘Nothing serious.’ It wasn’t life threatening anyway. ‘I just want a quick chat.’

  She let out a gasp. ‘You want to talk to me about coming running, don’t you?’

  Er… ‘Yeah,’ I said unconvincingly. ‘That’s it.’ I couldn’t believe she really thought that but I’d go with it if allayed her fears until I could speak to her.

  ‘Fooooooood!’ Brutus howled, patently pissed off at the length of our chat.

  ‘I’d better go,’ I said. ‘Brutus is getting annoyed.’

  Eve laughed. ‘So I hear. See you soon!’

  I winced and put down the phone. Eve was a good person. I hoped she wouldn’t be too hurt when she found out what had been happening.

  I gave Brutus some of his favourite tuna and shuffled over to the sofa, plonking myself down with a happy sigh. ‘Hello, my old friend,’ I said aloud. ‘It’s been too long.’ I was almost convinced that the sofa groaned in delighted response.

  Laying down my head and stretching out, I closed my eyes. Then I opened them again. I grimaced and turned onto my side, reaching for the remote. I flicked on the television and scanned through my recordings for the latest episode of Enchantment. The familiar theme music filled the room. I muted it and sat up straight.

  Brutus sauntered in the room, licking his lips. ‘Hey bitch.’

  ‘Something’s not right,’ I told him. He jumped onto my lap and I stroked his ears. ‘I should leave well enough alone. That would be the smart thing.’ I glanced down at him. ‘Right?’

  ‘Where man?’ Brutus enquired, obviously referring to Winter.

  Where man, indeed. I chewed my bottom lip then reached for the phone once more. ‘Hi, Iqbal,’ I said, when he picked up.

  ‘Ivy! How’s tricks? Do you have that ossombe root yet? I’m looking forward to my karaoke session.’

  My mind flashed to Diall’s little jar secreted in my bathroom cabinet. ‘That’s not why I’m calling,’ I prevaricated. For whatever reason, I still wasn’t quite ready to separate myself from Winter. ‘I want to know about that other way around the binding.’ I thought of the strange smell that I suspected had been clinging to Winter, not Oscar Marsh. ‘Herbal methods. You mentioned some kind of temporary hold last time we spoke.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah. You’re getting that desperate, are you? Winter must be a right bastard to work with.’

  ‘Mmm. He’s not so bad.’

  Iqbal laughed. ‘Damned by faint praise.’

  I screwed up my nose. I hadn’t meant it like that. ‘The temporary thing?’ I prodded.

  ‘Yeah, hang on a minute. I’ve got it written down here somewhere.’ I heard Iqbal shuffling some papers and then he came back on the line. ‘Here we go. Culver’s root. It’s traditionally used in purification spells but I came across several references that suggested it would work on your binding too. It won’t last long though, and the effects wear down quickly as the binding reacts against it.’

  At least this was a herb I’d heard of, even if only vaguely. ‘What does it smell like?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s musty and fairly odorous,’ he replied. ‘I suppose it’s similar to dried moss.’

  I didn’t know what dried moss smelled like but I bet that it was similar to the whiff I’d caught when I was in the van with Marsh and close to Winter. I felt an odd tightening in my chest. I was supposed to be the one who was straining against the bonds of the binding, not Winter. Why was he so keen to keep me away? Actually, I had a fairly good idea why but, for once, I’d take Winter’s own advice and wait until I had more evidence.

  ‘Thanks, Iq,’ I said distantly. He murmured a response and I hung up.

  Brutus had started clawing my thighs with sharp little jabs. ‘There’s no point getting comfortable,’ I told him.

  His ears twitched and he swung his head round towards me. ‘Out?’ he enquired. ‘Again?’

  I sighed. ‘Again.’ Goodness only knew why; I should be doing as I’d been told and vegging out on my sofa. But Winter might need my help, whether he wanted it or not. ‘If you thought that someone was being set up, where would you look for proof that they were innocent?’ I asked.

  Brutus blinked at me. I gently nudged him off my lap and stood up. ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘That’s what I was thinking too.’

  Chapter Twenty-two

  By the time I got back to the Order, the sun had gone down. I left my taxi on a double yellow line – it was close to where I wanted to be and I was unlikely to block anyone in at this time of night – and picked my way through the shadows and between the dark buildings. I tried to remain hidden; I didn’t want to bump into Winter until I was ready. I was so intent on looking for him that I almost collided with another group of witches walking in the opposite direction.

  ‘Hey, it’s Ivy Wilde!’

  I smiled at Weathers, the receptionist from Geomancy, and glanced at his other two companions, Bethany the tea lady and Rebecca, the unfriendly receptionist from HR. ‘How’s it going?’

  Weathers was grinning from ear to ear. ‘Brilliant! How about you? I hear you’ve charged someone with stealing one of the Cypher Manuscript volumes.’ He shook his head. ‘I can’t believe someone would be so audacious as to nick one.’

  ‘Who is it?’ Bethany asked, peering at me through the dim light. ‘Who’s the culprit? I can’t believe someone would dare to steal such power. It had to be a Second Level witch, right? Otherwise it’s just not plausible.’

  ‘I wouldn’t believe everything you hear,’ I said. ‘Gossip is unreliable.’

  Weathers’ expression dimmed slightly. ‘They’re not Second Level?’

  I wagged my finger at him. ‘I didn’t say that, now did I?’

  Rebecca flashed me an unexpected smile. It was the first time I’d seen her look happy. ‘You’re funny,’ she burbled. ‘The truth always comes out in the end. He’ll finally get what’s coming to him.’

  I wondered how much she actually knew. How did she know it was a man who was in custody? All the same, I had better things to do than shoot the breeze. ‘Indeed.’ I smiled at them to indicate that I needed to move on. They understood, sidestepping out of my way and murmuring farewells. I breathed out. I probably ought to watch where I was going.

  I continued until I reached the now-familiar squat structure of Human Resources. A few lights were still on inside and some red robes were visible through the windows. I wandered round, trying to not be too conspicuous but probably failing miserably. A few of the faces inside were familiar but I didn’t know them well. Even brown-nosing Tarquin appeared to have disappeared for the evening.

  ‘Well, Ivy,’ I muttered to myself, ‘this was a really smart idea. You could be snuggled up at home. Instead, you’re lurking behind a tree in the dark.’ Winter might not be here. For all I knew, he had a hot date and didn’t want me to know about it. Except, I reminded myself, he wouldn’t have needed a block on the binding if he were just going out for dinner.

  It didn’t look as if the last remaining HR witches were leaving for home any time soon and I wasn’t going to hang around all night. I had to find a way to get rid of the lot of them without arousing suspicion. I considered and discarded several ideas. I needed all of them out of the building – and to ensure that no one came back. I could spring a leak and use water to drive them out but they’d probably send for maintenance to repair it before the morning. I’d avoid the sappy HR witches and run into burlier ones. I could call up, pretend to be from another de
partment and invite them all out for a drink and a pizza but unless the food and drink materialised – and all the HR plonkers appreciated being sociable and fell for such a ploy – that wouldn’t work either.

  A fat droplet of rain fell from the sky and landed on the tip of my nose. Great. Now I was going to get soaked. Again. I cast my gaze upwards, eyeing the ominous clouds that were obscuring the sliver of moon. As I did so, I caught sight of the library, towering above the other buildings. I smiled to myself. I had just the thing.

  Whistling, I put my hands in my pockets and strolled towards it. It would be open for a few hours yet. Maidmont had told me that they didn’t shut until ten so getting in wouldn’t be a problem.

  I didn’t want to spend time and energy of my own so, instead of sneaking around when I entered the library, I made a beeline for a librarian re-shelving books in the far corner of the ground floor.

  ‘Hey, Phil!’

  He jumped half a foot in the air; he’d been so preoccupied with his task that he hadn’t heard me approach. ‘Ms … Ms Wilde,’ he stammered. ‘Good to see you.’ He looked over my shoulder as if expecting Winter to materialise. I hastily grabbed his attention before there were any awkward questions that I wouldn’t be able to answer.

  ‘We need your help,’ I said briskly.

  The librarian’s eyes widened and I saw a flash of glee that his services were still required. Perhaps he had a secret ambition to be a spy. I could use that. ‘But I thought the missing Manuscript had been recovered,’ he said.

  ‘Oh, it has.’ I leant in closer and lowered my voice to indicate that we were co-conspirators. ‘But we don’t think that the real culprit has been identified yet.’

  Maidmont bit his bottom lip. ‘I checked the Cypher logbooks,’ he murmured in a hushed tone to match my own. ‘Oscar Marsh has never once been in to view the Cypher Manuscripts.’ He raised his eyebrows meaningfully. ‘Not once.’