The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  This was awesome. At least until the screaming started.

  Chapter Six

  At first, I thought it was Wardrobe Lady again. Maybe Belinda had committed some terrible infraction by wearing the wrong tartan on her miniskirt. It wasn’t her though – it was one of the assistant directors who had emerged from a trailer at the far end of the set.

  He ran a few metres towards the crew, all of whom stared at him frozen in shock. I didn’t think it was because of the strangled sounds still coming from somewhere deep inside him, although they were awful enough. The crew’s combined lack of movement probably had more to do with the blood that was dripping from his hands and staining the patchy grass in front of him.

  I ran to his side. Despite the blood, which seemed to be drenching him, I couldn’t see any visible wounds. It didn’t even appear to be his blood. If he wasn’t in immediate physical danger, there were other pressing concerns. It was vital not to touch him and contaminate any possible evidence, but I also needed him to calm down or he’d give himself an aneurysm. He was still wearing his ID badge and, although it was splattered with blood, his name was visible.

  ‘Marcus,’ I said softly. He kept on screaming. ‘Marcus,’ I repeated. ‘Look at me.’

  As if my words had broken the statue-like shock of the others, several people rushed towards us.

  ‘Back off!’ I yelled. ‘And don’t touch him!’

  Security appeared from all directions. Most were running towards us but some were scanning the perimeter, as if expecting to see a horde of attackers appear. Enchantment’s medical team also arrived from the other side of the stage and I was shoved out of the way.

  ‘Marcus! Are you alright?’ People swarmed around him. The contestants were being ushered away to safety but I spotted a pale-faced Armstrong point to one of the mobile camera units. Without a second’s hesitation, they came running over, already in the process of filming. Somehow I didn’t think this was an appropriate candid-camera moment.

  ‘He’s fine,’ I said over the hubbub. Physically anyway.

  Nobody heard me. I gritted my teeth. Whatever evidence that had been clinging to poor Marcus had already been compromised by the people checking him over. I raised my head and glanced at the trailer he’d emerged from. The door was hanging open; from this distance, there was nothing to be seen inside other than darkness. I flattened my mouth into a grim line. Whatever had spooked him had come from there.

  I veered round the crowd and strode over, taking care not to step near Marcus’s bloody footsteps. I didn’t have to get near before the smell of the blood overtook me. It had been strong enough around Marcus, but the reek coming from the trailer was choking. There was also an odd sour tinge to it, which I couldn’t make sense of. One thing was clear: there was no way that the still-screaming Marcus had walked into the trailer while it was like this. Whatever had happened took place when he was already inside.

  A gust of wind caught the hanging door, momentarily swinging it shut. The name taped onto it, along with a purple trail of stars for added effect, was Trevor Bellows. For a moment I forgot to breathe. Was that whose blood this was? Sudden fear for Brutus drenched me – although if my contrary cat had got himself killed he could only blame himself.

  Rather than risk walking up the steps and entering the trailer, I slipped round to the side so I could crane my head round and peer in. All the curtains were closed and no lights were on so it was difficult to see much but the amount of blood was clear. It covered almost every corner. I couldn’t see a body – Bellows, Brutus or otherwise. On the opposite wall, however, there was something that gave me pause. I stepped back to get a better look. A pentagram. It was lopsided and rather messy but since it had been painted with daubs of blood that was hardly surprising. Winter had wanted evidence of magic and here it was.

  ‘What the bejesus…?’

  I half turned, clocking Bellows. He was staring into his trailer with a horrified expression. Thankfully, Brutus was by his side. The cat sniffed the air then recoiled. Without a sound, he ran away, tail between his legs. Despite the relief I felt that he was alright, the question remained: if it wasn’t Bellows’ blood and it wasn’t Brutus’s, then who the hell did it belong to? There was far too much of it to signal anything other than a brutal and untimely demise. The only saving grace was that I couldn’t see any dismembered limbs.

  Bellows took off his hat, dropping it to the ground and running a hand through his hair. Either he was the world’s best actor or he was as shocked as I was. He stumbled forward as if to enter but I grabbed his robe by one trailing cuff and yanked him back. ‘You can’t go inside,’ I said. ‘The police will need to examine the scene first.’

  Given the pentagram on the wall, so would the Order but I figured it would be better not to mention that just yet. ‘And we don’t know whether there are any traps. If you enter you could trigger something else.’

  Bellows blanched, going even paler than before if that were possible. ‘Uhhhhnnn,’ he said.

  I nodded. ‘Yeah, I know.’

  Two of the security detail marched up. ‘What is in there?’ the first one asked, even though he had exactly the same view as I did.

  His partner had considerably more savoir faire. ‘We need to seal this area off immediately,’ he barked. ‘Someone call the police too. No one is to enter.’ He twisted back towards the still-moaning Marcus. ‘Find out what the hell happened!’

  Morris Armstrong, looking surprisingly gentle, took control. He ushered everyone else back and crouched next to Marcus. ‘What happened?’ he asked softly. ‘We need to know, Marcus. You need to pull yourself together.’

  Marcus hugged his arms to himself and continued to moan.

  ‘There are no injuries that we can see,’ said one of the medical team. ‘But he should be checked out anyway.’

  Armstrong nodded and tried again. ‘Marcus, tell us what happened. Why were you in Trevor’s trailer?’

  It was the implication that he’d been up to no good that finally broke through Marcus’s brain and encouraged him to pull himself together. Somewhat. He was still shaking like a leaf and his voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. ‘I went to fetch Mr Bellows’ stick,’ he said.

  We all looked at the wannabe witch. He swallowed and nodded, his purple robes flapping gently in the breeze. ‘My staff. I’d left it here and asked Marcus to get it for me.’

  His staff? Who did he think he was? Gandalf?

  ‘Good,’ Armstrong said. ‘That’s good. What happened next?’

  Poor Marcus looked like he was about to keel over. ‘I went inside. I was sure no one was there and it looked empty. I went to the corner and picked up the sti— I mean the staff, and then something hit me on the back of the head. When I came round, I was surrounded by blood. It was everywhere.’

  He began to moan. Any second now he’d be screaming again. Someone probably ought to fetch him a cup of sugary tea but I wasn’t going to suggest it. If I said anything, I’d be the one sent off and I needed to find out everything I could about what had happened. Winter would not be happy if I missed the salient details of another murder because I was waiting for the kettle to boil.

  Armstrong glanced up at Bellows. ‘What time did you send him to get your staff?’

  Bellows scratched his head. ‘It was just after the final sound check so that would have been…’

  ‘Just after ten.’

  Bellows jerked his head in assent. ‘Yeah, I guess.’ He cleared his throat and tried to sound more confident. ‘After ten.’

  I tapped my mouth thoughtfully. This was supposed to be a closed set. Either someone who was already a crew member had sneaked inside when no one was looking or someone from outside had found a way in.

  It seemed impossible that someone could have created that kind of bloody mess and stayed clean themselves and there was certainly no one here – other than Marcus, of course – who looked like they were splattered in O neg. I stepped back and edged away from the res
t of the crowd, most of whom were still wringing their hands. It was inconceivable that our murderer had just blithely strolled out of the front door with no one noticing.

  The intelligent security guard was giving instructions to the others. I tapped his arm. He paused in mid-sentence and looked down at me. ‘You need to find out who’s not here,’ I told him. In other words, who had been drained of their blood.

  He gave me a grim nod. ‘That’s what we’re doing.’ I watched as Mazza appeared, handing him a clipboard with a long list of names on it. The police would get here before he got even a quarter of the way down it.

  I let him get on with it and headed towards the back of the trailer, sucking in a breath when I spotted the open window. It was definitely large enough for a person to squeeze through. There was also a trickle of blood dripping down from its edge. Here was the point of entry. Beyond the blood, I couldn’t see any other clues.

  I sketched out a quick rune designed to reveal that which was hidden but all it revealed was a rabbit hole by the trailer’s left side. Without forensic analysis, there was nothing else to be seen here.

  I abandoned my scrutiny of the trailer for now and turned round in the other direction. There was a makeshift fence and, beyond that, a copse of pine trees. I studied the fence. Given that it had probably only been erected recently by the film crew, it was surprisingly sturdy – but it wasn’t all that high. Even I could probably scale it.

  I scanned its length, eventually spotting something that had snagged along the top several metres along. I frowned and picked my way through the long grass to get a closer look.

  Tufts of straggly white hair had caught in several places. I raised myself on my tiptoes just to be sure. What had happened inside the trailer – and why – was still a mystery but it wasn’t quite as disastrous as it had first appeared. I nodded to myself and backed away, just as the first sirens began to sound.

  The police who arrived might have been from a small local force unused to dealing with elaborate television productions and murder cases, but they seemed to know what they were doing. They immediately cordoned off the site and took down the details of everyone who’d been present. Naturally, the big show-stopping opening of Enchantment was postponed, if not cancelled for good.

  Eventually we were all allowed to leave. I might have been persona non grata on the journey in, but the fact that I’d been the first to approach Marcus meant that I had suddenly gained a raft of new buddies. Several people wanted to sit next to me to go over in detail what I thought had happened and who had died. No one yet seemed to have clocked that every crew member was accounted for.

  ‘It’s just as well we don’t film live,’ someone behind me said. ‘Can you imagine?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ another person dismissed. ‘It’ll be front-page news tomorrow morning. This show is scuppered for good. I just hope we still get paid.’

  I suspected that all of this would boost Enchantment’s ratings rather than diminish them. This was reality television, after all; it invited voyeurism. I kept mum, however, sitting next to Amy who I felt I could count on to be at least a little circumspect.

  ‘This is just terrible,’ she said, over and over again. ‘Simply terrible.’

  I took off my shoes and started to massage my feet. ‘Yeah,’ I agreed. ‘I’ve got at least three blisters. And the next person who complains because I’ve got their coffee order wrong is likely to end up with it upended over their head.’

  She blinked. ‘I meant the murders.’

  Oh. I bit my tongue and nodded. It would probably be easier to keep my mouth shut.

  It would have been nice to get back to Tomintoul and put my feet up for a bit but news travelled fast. There was already a crowd of townsfolk waiting for us when the bus pulled up outside our hotel. Moonbeam was more than ready to regale them with the whole story. That boy sure loved an audience.

  I was prepared to sidle past the lot of them and go to my room for a well-deserved nap but Winter was hovering on the other side of the street, trying to look inconspicuous and failing massively. The sight of him was more than enough to perk me up. I trotted over. ‘Hello!’

  He glared at me with icy intensity. ‘What the hell are you doing? We can’t be seen talking to each other like this!’

  ‘It’s okay,’ I assured him. I leaned in and lowered my voice. ‘I’m on a secret mission. Not your secret mission, Morris Armstrong’s secret mission.’

  ‘Huh?’ He gave me a blank look. I didn’t blame him.

  ‘I’m to get close to you and find out what you’re up to,’ I said cheerfully. ‘Then I have to report back to him.’ I paused. ‘He wants me to seduce you to gain access to all your secrets. I’m the new Mata Hari. You can call me Ivy Hari.’ I frowned. ‘No, wait. Mata Wilde.’ That sounded better.

  Winter’s astonishment was palpable. His blue eyes flared and he took a step backwards. ‘You’re kidding me.’

  ‘Yeah. Well,’ I amended, ‘about the seduction part.’ Unfortunately. ‘But he does want me to pretend to be your friend so I can pass on information about you. He knew you were here from the start, so I told him you were spying on me rather than the show.’ I grinned. ‘Pretty awesome, huh?’

  Winter’s jaw clenched. ‘He must know we’re working together. He’s testing you.’

  ‘You’re saying that he has a secret mission to put me on a secret mission in order to stop our secret mission?’ That made my brain hurt. I shrugged. ‘Either way, I have permission to talk openly to you.’ I looked at him meaningfully. ‘And we have a lot to talk about.’

  He drew in a deep breath. ‘So I hear. It’s all over the town.’ He glanced from side to side. Amy was looking curiously at us but no one else seemed to care.

  Winter shook his head and then yielded. ‘Meet me at the Dog and Whistle in twenty minutes. I’ll order a drink and sit at the bar so it’ll appear that you just bumped into me.’

  ‘Can we have a secret handshake?’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ He raised his voice. ‘I told you, Ivy Wilde. If I find out you’ve been using magic, there will be hell to pay. The Order will see to it that you’re kept off the streets for good.’ He jabbed his finger sharply into my chest for good measure and stalked off.

  I watched him go while Amy sidled up. She let out a low whistle. ‘Who was that?’

  I made a show of looking unhappy. ‘My old partner. He just can’t let it go that I don’t want to be in the Order.’

  ‘The Hallowed Order of Magical Enlightenment?’

  Was there any other? I nodded. ‘Yep. I’m a witch. But I don’t want to be with them.’

  Amy’s eyes widened. ‘You’re really a witch? That’s why you’re here on Enchantment! You want a job with Trevor Bellows as a magical consultant.’

  Er, no. ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Sure.’ I warmed to my topic. ‘He’s amazing.’

  ‘Is he?’ Amy’s nose wrinkled. ‘He knows a lot about magic, I suppose.’

  I thought about the strange pentagram drawn on the wall of his trailer. Maybe Bellows did have a smattering of talent after all. I smiled at Amy. ‘I’m going after him,’ I said, pointing to Winter. ‘He needs to butt out of my life.’

  ‘He’s gorgeous,’ she said. ‘He can butt into mine any time he wants.’ Then she suddenly looked sorry. ‘I didn’t mean that to sound the way it did. It’s not fair to talk about someone like that.’

  ‘You wouldn’t want him anyway,’ I snapped. ‘He has terrible halitosis. And he’s lazy. Really lazy. Plus, he’s deformed. He has a wooden leg.’

  My tone must have been harsher than I thought because Amy looked slightly hurt. ‘Uh, okay then.’

  I felt a flash of guilt – but not enough to make her think that Winter was worthy of her attention. ‘I’ll catch you later,’ I muttered. Then I walked off in the same direction as Winter.

  Chapter Seven

  Winter smelled good. Really good. I hopped up onto the barstool next to him and inhaled deeply. Then I
raised my arm and sniffed an armpit. I grimaced. I guessed he’d have to smell good enough for the both of us.

  ‘Fancy meeting you here,’ I drawled. ‘Do you come here often?’

  He threw me an irritated glance but didn’t comment. Other than the barman, this place was empty no doubt because everyone else was still out and about trying to find out what on earth was happening with Enchantment.

  I gave up trying to get Winter to smile and got to the point. ‘Things are afoot. I don’t know how much you’ve heard, or how accurate it is, but Trevor Bellows’ trailer is covered in blood. Drenched in it, in fact.’

  ‘Do we know whose it is?’

  ‘It’s not human.’

  A frown marred Winter’s forehead. ‘That’s not what everyone is saying.’

  ‘I reckon the lab results will be out by early morning tomorrow. The blood belongs to a sheep.’

  ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘Not magic, if that’s what you’re thinking,’ I said airily. ‘I know it because I’m a super-awesome sleuth with immense powers of deduction.’

  Winter exhaled. ‘Ivy…’

  ‘The set is closed,’ I explained. ‘It’s pretty hard for someone to gain access to it. Not impossible, but difficult. I wouldn’t bother. But then, that’s me. However there are a few blind spots around the back of the trailers where it’s possible to clamber over the fence.’ I began to tick off on my fingers. ‘First of all, none of the crew members are missing so the blood doesn’t belong to anyone involved in Enchantment. Secondly, security was complaining earlier about a sheep trying to get inside. Thirdly,’ I finished with a flourish, ‘on top of the fence and almost directly behind Bellows’ trailer, there’s evidence that wool has snagged.’ I paused. ‘And we all know how much you love evidence.’