The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  He gave me a small crooked smile. ‘There will be time later when you’re feeling better.’

  Mmm. ‘I want you to know,’ I said aloud, ‘that I’ve fallen for you. About as hard as it’s possible for anyone to fall. You’re still the most irritating man I know. You still spend too much time working. You need to learn the value of kicking back and relaxing.’

  He grinned at me. ‘Maybe you can teach me how to do that.’

  I didn’t smile back. ‘Maybe.’

  ‘When Bellows is brought to justice and we find out whether he’s the necromancer or not, you’ll feel the same kind of satisfaction I do at a job done well.’ He leaned into me. ‘We make a pretty good team.’

  I closed my eyes tightly. ‘We do.’ I put my arms round his neck and kissed him. He groaned slightly, pulling me further against him. I could have stayed like that forever.

  Winter’s arms tightened round me, his mouth left mine and he trailed kisses along my jawline. ‘You were embarrassed,’ he said. ‘In fact, you were more than embarrassed. You were horrified.’

  I frowned at him, not sure what he meant.

  ‘The morning after, when we woke up together,’ he explained. ‘I wanted to give you a way out so I said we should forget it ever happened. But I’ll never be able to forget it.’

  ‘Me neither.’ I took a deep breath. ‘And I wasn’t horrified. I was a bit shocked to start off with but when I woke up properly I knew it was one of the best nights of my life.’ I was lying. It was the best night of my life. I touched Winter’s cheek.

  ‘You’re the laziest person I’ve ever met, Ivy Wilde,’ he whispered in my ear. ‘You’re also the smartest, most beautiful and most wonderful person I’ve ever met. I don’t think I’m in love with you, I know I’m in love with you. We have nothing in common but I don’t think that matters. You’re always there in my thoughts. Always.’

  Tears pricked at the back of my eyes. I was being selfish. I should be telling him that we weren’t meant to be together, that it would never work. At least that way he’d find it easier to move on if this went down the way the Ipsissimus thought it would. But I couldn’t do that. I genuinely didn’t think I was capable of it. I wanted him to know the truth about how I felt, if nothing else.

  ‘I better go and get some sleep,’ I said softly. ‘You don’t need to see me up. I need to maintain some sense of decorum.’

  He smiled. ‘I’d never associate you with decorum, Ivy.’

  ‘It’s virtually my middle name.’

  He tucked a loose curl behind my ear. ‘I’ll come and check on you first thing in the morning,’ he promised. ‘If there’s anything you need in the meantime, don’t hesitate to call me. Trevor Bellows can wait. He’s not going anywhere.’

  Unable to trust my voice, I simply nodded. Then I turned on my heel and went inside the main door, aware that Winter was watching me go. I held my breath until I heard the bike’s engine rev and tear off again down the road. Only when I was sure he’d gone did I get to work.

  I strode through the narrow corridor to reach the hotel bar. Fortunately, it wasn’t entirely deserted. Making a beeline for the group at the back, who were all nursing their drinks and looking glum, I did my best to smile and appear happy. This wasn’t the time to exude anything other than brilliant confidence.

  ‘Ivy!’ Barry got to his feet as I approached. ‘I’m so glad you’re alright!’

  I stretched out my arms expansively. ‘You can’t keep a good witch down.’ It was probably just as well I wasn’t a good witch.

  ‘Come and join us.’

  ‘Actually,’ I said, ‘I’m pretty busy. I just need a few favours.’ I glanced at Amy. ‘Have you lost anything recently?’ I enquired.

  Her fingers briefly touched her collarbone. ‘My necklace. I lost it, er…’

  ‘When Trevor Bellows tried to assault you?’

  She blinked rapidly, her cheeks colouring and her eyes filling with dismay. Well, now I knew that Mazza definitely hadn’t been lying.

  ‘That should not have been allowed to happen,’ I admonished Barry.

  ‘I … I … didn’t know.’

  Amy shot him a look. Obviously he had known. He’d probably been as scared for his job as she had been but that didn’t make his silence right – but it did make it more understandable. Slightly.

  I forced my anger to a simmer to avoid it spilling over. ‘We’re going to make this right for you, Amy,’ I told her. Something in my expression must have convinced her I was telling the truth because she bit her lip and nodded.

  I flicked my attention to Moonbeam. ‘How’s your mother?’

  His nose wrinkled. ‘Furious. That vial was about the only thing keeping her sane. Now that it’s gone and she looks her age…’ His voice trailed off.

  ‘Just how old is she?’ My question had no bearing on anything important; I was simply curious.

  He shook his head. ‘If you want to avoid being knocked unconscious again, you wouldn’t ask.’ He sighed. ‘Tarquin has told me that even if he could, he’s been forbidden from giving her another spell. I don’t know what we’re going to do.’

  ‘Is Enchantment going to continue?’

  Barry’s shoulders drooped. ‘That’s the million-dollar question. Certainly not this series. Not now. Preparations are already underway to ship this lot of contestants home. The only silver lining is that they’ve all signed binding non-disclosure agreements.’ He raised his eyebrows meaningfully at me as he said this. I shrugged. I was probably going to be a corpse in a few hours so what did it matter? I’d tell the devil if I saw him. I doubted he’d care.

  ‘Give me your car keys,’ I said, without further preamble.

  Barry reached into his pocket, automatically doing as I’d instructed. Then he paused. ‘Hang on. Why should I do that?’

  ‘Because you were my producer, Barry. You were supposed to be looking out for me and I almost died.’ That was something of an exaggeration but I needed transport.

  ‘Are you going to give them back?’

  ‘Sure.’ I couldn’t have sounded less convincing.

  Amy nudged Barry and he exhaled resignedly. ‘Fine. Here you go.’

  ‘Great. I need my phone back too.’

  ‘It’s in our room with the rest of your things,’ Amy said. ‘I took them all back after…’ She swallowed.

  ‘Thanks. One final thing – has anyone seen Armstrong?’

  Moonbeam let out a humourless smirk. ‘He got back just before you did. You walked right by him.’ He pointed over to the bar.

  I followed his finger. Slumped in the corner was the familiar figure of Enchantment’s director. He no longer looked despotic or even fully conscious. The best word I could think of to describe him was crumpled. I’d have felt some sympathy for him if I could have found the time.

  ‘Thanks,’ I muttered, pocketing the keys. ‘I’m going out for a few hours. Amy, if I’m not back by the time dawn breaks, call this number.’ I scribbled down the Ipsissimus’s direct line onto a napkin. ‘Tell him I’ve disappeared, then all of you need to get as far away from here as possible.’

  Even Moonbeam seemed to register how serious my tone was. ‘Why? What’s going to happen?’

  ‘Nothing you need to worry about yet. But tomorrow morning…’

  He drained his pint and stood up. ‘Screw that. I’m collecting my mother and we’re getting out of here.’ He stalked out.

  ‘Don’t worry, Ivy,’ Amy said softly. ‘I can do that for you.’

  I smiled my thanks and walked over to Armstrong. ‘Hello buddy!’ I chirped.

  He didn’t even look up. ‘What do you want?’

  ‘Don’t be like that. I’m your superspy, remember?’

  He raised his eyes balefully. ‘You never gave me any useful intel at all.’

  ‘Well, that was hardly my fault.’ I nodded at the barman. ‘I’ll have a vodka,’ I said. ‘This gentleman is paying.’

  ‘Make that two,’ Armstrong grunted.
>
  Hmm. He already looked well on his way to the Land of Toilet Hugging as it was. I’d better make this quick. ‘You told me when we started that this area was chosen because of historical links to magic. I need to know what exactly.’

  ‘What does it matter now?’

  ‘It’s important, Morris.’

  He scanned my face. ‘It was a family. Apparently there were several witches. Things didn’t go well for them and most were burned at the stake.’ He made a vague attempt at looking apologetic. ‘Those were the times.’

  ‘Which times exactly?’

  ‘Around the turn of the nineteenth century.’

  It seemed almost inconceivable that their magical bloodline had continued since then without anyone noticing but I had to be sure. I swallowed. I really didn’t want to know the answer but I had to ask – everything hinged on it. ‘What was their name?’

  ‘McAllan.’

  The barman set out the drinks in front of us. With shaking hands, I reached down and picked up the first one, downing it in one with barely a shudder. Then I took the second glass and did the same. Armstrong just frowned.

  ‘I’ve got to go,’ I told him. ‘Pack your bags. It’s time to get out of Dodge.’

  Without waiting for a reaction, I spun on my heel just in time to see Tarquin enter. He strutted in, his shoulders back and his head held high. The few crew members dotted around, including Barry and Amy, gave him a ragged round of applause. I rolled my eyes.

  ‘Tarquin!’ I called. I strode over and barred his way before he could start massaging his own ego with his adoring public.

  He grinned. ‘Hey, Ivy.’ He bowed dramatically. ‘You’re welcome.’

  I stared at him. ‘For what?’

  ‘Saving the day, of course.’

  Never mind that all he’d done was smash a glass vial whilst others tried to deal with the real issue of the zombie. Or that his little spell had sent our investigation wildly off track. I forced a smile and did what I could to get him to listen. ‘Pay attention,’ I barked. ‘I have to go out. Winter is at the police station talking to Trevor Bellows. You need to get yourself there.’

  He frowned at me and flipped back his hair. ‘I think I’ve done enough for today. I was going to have a drink and relax. Adeptus Exemptus Winter can look after Bellows.’

  I gritted my teeth. ‘Bellows isn’t the real villain. He is a villain but he’s not the one threatening the stability of Scotland.’

  ‘Huh?’

  Somehow, it didn’t surprise me that Tarquin was out of the loop. ‘Just get to Winter. Make sure he stays there and doesn’t come looking for me. This is hugely important, Tarq.’ I needed some way to make sure he did as I asked; I couldn’t afford for Winter to come after me. ‘There’s no one else here I trust to do this. Are you clever enough to keep Winter in one place?’

  Tarquin drew himself up. ‘What? Of course I am! If I’m clever enough to create a spell to keep ageing at bay, I can certainly hold one Arcane Branch investigator back. Ha! It would be a piece of cake.’

  I pushed up onto my tiptoes. ‘Are you sure? Winter is pretty canny…’

  Tarquin rolled his eyes. ‘He is no match for the might of the Tarq. I’ll do it now.’ He turned on his heel and exited while I let out a breath. He’d been easier to manipulate than I expected. My challenge had at least ensured that he’d not asked why I needed Winter to stay with Bellows. As long as my sapphire-eyed soulmate didn’t come near me, everything would be fine. Probably.

  I darted up to the room I shared with Amy, quickly changing into warmer clothes – because it’s important to be snug when you’re facing certain death – then I grabbed my phone and left again. There was just one other thing to take care of.

  ‘Brutus!’ There was a faint rustle from some bushes to my right but nothing else. ‘Brutus, this is urgent. I wouldn’t interrupt your night-time stalking if it weren’t.’

  I heard another rustle and then the cat in question appeared with a poor mouse hanging from his mouth. I gave him a frown and he opened his jaws, letting the creature to escape.

  ‘I wish you wouldn’t do that.’

  He gave me a look filled with feline ferocity. ‘Food.’

  ‘Try the hotel kitchen.’ I crouched down and scratched his ears. ‘I need you to listen first, though. I’m going out to find Gareth McAllan. I’m certain he’s the necromancer. It’s not very likely that I’ll come back.’

  For once, Brutus appeared to listen. I took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, meaning it wholeheartedly. ‘It sucks for you. Wait in my room. Winter will show up in the morning and then you can go with him. He’s a good guy and I’m sure he’ll let you hang out. Besides, you like his familiar, don’t you? Princess Parma Periwinkle? You’ll get to spend more time with her after I’m gone.’

  A flood of unshed tears rose up in my throat. ‘You’ll be fine. Just do what Winter tells you and everything will work out. I love you to pieces, you miserable bugger, and I’m so happy to have known you.’

  Brutus blinked. ‘You go? Where?’

  ‘I’ll try Gareth’s farm. If that fails, he’ll probably be at the cemetery.’ Preparing for his next raising. I shuddered.

  Brutus sniffed and head-butted my hand. Then he turned round and sauntered away. If I were honest, I had hoped for a little more.

  Rubbing my eyes, and trying not to feel too hurt, I stood up. Using the remote control key, I located Barry’s car and strode purposefully over to it. Everything was starting to add up – and not in a good way.

  I’d been blinded by the events on set at Enchantment and the extraordinary Oscar-winning acting skills of Gareth McAllan. I knew it was strange that sheep seemed to figure so heavily, even though up here they outnumbered humans by about twenty to one. My hallucination happened after I’d touched the sheep out by the river; Mazza’s hallucination happened after he’d killed the sheep on Dead Man’s Hill. The sheep really were bewitched. Just not in a way I’d considered. Maybe they figured into the spell for bringing the dead back to life. I had no idea. But where there were sheep, there was also Gareth.

  He had obviously slipped by the Order when they looked into his family. By his own admission, the police had considered him as a suspect. And he was the one to find Benjamin Alberts. I was reminded of the old schoolyard rhyme – he who smelled it, dealt it. Except in this case, we were talking about something far worse than wind.

  I’d been wholeheartedly hoodwinked. Gareth was the culprit; he was the necromancer. Now all I had to do was find him and pray I didn’t end up dead. But if that was what it would take, I’d accept the risk.

  The only silver lining was that Winter was safely out of the way and focused on Bellows. He wouldn’t try any heroics to take my place. He wouldn’t get hurt. He wouldn’t even know until it was too late.

  I massaged my neck and got behind the wheel, the interior light illuminating the inside of Barry’s car. As I started up the engine, I found the contact number I needed.

  ‘Hello! You have reached Julia’s voicemail. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.’

  Arse. ‘Julia, it’s Ivy. I know there’s patient confidentiality and all that stuff to deal with but I need you to confirm something for me. I’m seriously concerned about Gareth McAllan, the man you referred to another psychiatrist for me. I think he’s a danger both to himself and others. Any insight your friend could give me would be useful. If you hear this message in the next hour then call me straight away. If you’re listening to this in the morning, well, don’t worry.’

  There wasn’t really much else to say. I hung up. It was time to face the enemy.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  It took longer to find the main farmhouse than I thought it would. I circled round the area several times before I finally spotted the narrow lane leading up to it. Passing a few fields, each one containing the shadows of more sheep than I dared to count, I drove up and parked right in front of the door. It seemed sensible to hav
e a quick getaway should I need one.

  I took a deep breath, pulled my shoulders back and got out. My fingers were twitching to perform as many defensive runes as I could while I had the chance. I reminded myself that I might need to conserve my energy and simply played possible scenarios in my head so I was prepared. Then I knocked loudly on the door. Waiting outside wasn’t my usual modus operandi but I was trying to be cautious for once in my life.

  A harassed looking woman with a lined face, who I reckoned was in her forties, answered. I couldn’t see any resemblance to Gareth but she still looked oddly familiar. Maybe she just had one of those faces.

  Without smiling, I introduced myself and got to the point. ‘I need to see Gareth. Now.’

  ‘Gareth?’ Her face scrunched up as if she didn’t have the faintest idea who I was talking about. ‘What do you want him for? Do you know what time it is?’

  ‘It’s an emergency.’ And then, because I thought it might help, I added, ‘I’m a good friend of his.’

  Her lip curled. ‘He’s got friends?’

  ‘If you could just tell him I’m here…’

  ‘He’s not in.’ She made to close the door but I wedged my foot in to stop her.

  ‘Where is he?’

  ‘One of the sheep has run off. Again. He’s gone after it. Fool boy can’t keep them in one place.’ She seemed to take perverse pleasure in his failures. All the same, my blood chilled.

  ‘Where did he go?’ I asked urgently. ‘Which direction?’

  ‘How the hell should I know?’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Now piss off.’

  This time she succeeded in shoving my foot out and closing the door. Wincing in pain, I drew back and stared at it. I could use magic to force it open but, despite the woman’s sour, unfriendly manner, I sensed she was telling the truth about Gareth – at least as far as she understood it. Somehow I doubted he was really searching for another errant sheep; in fact, I’d lay money on him using deepest darkest necromancy right at this very moment. If I were going to stop him, I’d have to move my plump arse faster than it was designed to go.

  With heart-attack inducing speed, I accelerated back down the lane towards Dead Man’s Hill. Maybe they would rename it Dead Ivy Hill after this; that wouldn’t be fair on Benjamin Alberts, or any of the souls resting in the cemetery, but it sounded good. The more I focused on idiotic vanities, the less terrified I felt. That had to count for something.