The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  ‘Ouch!’ I pulled back and glared. ‘Okay, okay, you’re alive.’

  Winter hung up and glanced at me. ‘Sorry.’

  I shrugged. There was no point getting upset about it. ‘It’ll be fun,’ I said. ‘And now we know that you’re not a throwback. Your magic comes from your mum’s side.’ He stared at me so I explained. ‘She knew I’d just agreed to come, that’s why she called now. She’s probably not even aware of it herself. I know, though, because I’m Ivy Wilde, super-sleuth extraordinaire.’

  Winter’s eyes flashed in amusement. ‘If you say so.’

  I gestured to the herb purifier. ‘This is pretty darn fancy. I’ll scrub the shower grout every day for the next month if it’s not been passed down on your mum’s side of the family.’

  He pressed his lips together. ‘Ivy, look at the box again.’

  I could hear the faint rumble of a growl from Brutus. ‘Er…’

  Winter pointed to the side of the box. There was an address label. I craned my head round and read it, taking care this time not to touch the box. I liked all my fingers; I didn’t want to lose any to my pissed-off cat.

  The address label was neatly printed, using Winter’s full name but not his Order title. Judging from the logo in the corner, the box had been sent to him from a company called Multi Multa.

  ‘The purifier’s not a family heirloom, Ivy,’ Winter told me. ‘It’s a bribe.’

  I sat up. Okay. Now I was interested.

  ‘Word’s got round that I’m not in the Order any longer. Multi Multa want me to work for them. They’ve sent me the purifier as an indicator of their genuine interest. No strings attached.’ He snorted. ‘As if.’

  ‘But isn’t that a good thing? You want to work. They want you to work. They’re going to woo you with desirable objects to make it happen.’ I shrugged. ‘Sounds win-win to me.’

  ‘The only object of my desire around here is you,’ Winter said.

  My stomach flipped then Brutus growled again from inside the box. I hastily pointed towards it. ‘I’m not as desirable as Brutus.’

  The growling stopped but I had the feeling that Brutus knew I wasn’t being entirely sincere because a paw began to edge out once more. Taking no chances, I backed away.

  Winter smiled faintly. ‘They’re just looking for a highly placed Order witch whose name they can bandy about to make themselves look good. They don’t actually want me to do anything. It’s a PR exercise, nothing more.’

  ‘You don’t know that for sure.’

  ‘The job on offer is Dynamic Magic Configuration Consultant.’

  I stared at him. ‘Huh?’

  ‘Exactly. The more complicated the job title, the less job there is to do. I’d be wasting my time. I’m going to send the purifier back. The last thing I want to do is have a full-time job that involves nothing more than an hour or two a week of actual work.’

  Sometimes it still baffled me how Winter and I had ever got together. My hand shot up in the air and I waved it around. ‘Me! I’ll take that job! Tell them about me! I’m just as good at magic as you.’

  Winter smiled. ‘You’re better,’ he said gently. ‘But you weren’t Adeptus Exemptus. They only want the title, not the expertise.’ He flicked a fingernail against the purifier’s base and a high-pitched note rang out. ‘This is beautiful but it is going to be returned.’

  There was a loud scratching sound from inside the box as Brutus sharpened his claws on the cardboard. A second later a hole appeared in the side, followed by his small, pink, questing nose. Winter looked at me. ‘The box might have to stay though.’

  I could almost hear the smile in Brutus’s slightly muffled voice. ‘Foooooooood.’

  Chapter Three

  I let out a massive yawn as we pulled up outside the Order headquarters several hours later. Winter immediately turned his gaze to me and frowned. ‘Are you alright? We don’t have to do this. We can easily go back home.’

  As tempting as that suggestion was, there was a light in Winter’s eyes that I didn’t want to extinguish. He was genuinely excited at having a mission – even if that mission involved sneaking into the Order to watch me talking to thin air. The Multi Multa job offer might not be realistic but he really needed to do something more to occupy himself.

  I shook my head and gave a small smile. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘You’ll let me know if you start feeling ill.’ There was the faintest hint of command in his voice.

  My smile grew and I snapped off a salute. ‘Yessir!’

  ‘I’m being serious, Ivy. The last thing you need is a relapse. It’s already been a long day for you.’

  I leaned across and planted a kiss on his lips. ‘If I feel anything other than perfect, I promise I will tell you,’ I said.

  ‘And if this gets dangerous…’

  ‘I’m here to talk to an insubstantial being who could still be a figment of my imagination. I don’t think I’m likely to get hurt.’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘In fact, you’re the one we should be worrying about. We’re breaking into the Order. You’ve not been back here since you signed your release papers. This place was your life, Rafe, and now we’re sneaking into it like criminals. That’s gotta sting.’

  ‘It’s not a problem.’

  Somehow I doubted that but I let it go for now. Dynamic Magic Configuration Consultant jobs aside, I still reckoned it was in Winter’s best interests to rejoin the Order. But that was a decision he had to come to on his own and it was really nice having him along with me for backup. More than nice.

  ‘If I forget to say it later,’ I told him, ‘thank you for watching my back.’

  His features finally relaxed into a smile. ‘Always.’

  We gazed at each other like two lovesick plonkers – hell, we were two lovesick plonkers – then I nodded and got out of the car. It was already five to midnight. We had to vamoose.

  I might have been able to gain access in the middle of the day with Philip Maidmont by my side but getting in with an ex-Adeptus Exemptus in the middle of the night was entirely different. I snickered softly. ‘Ex-Adeptus Exemptus. Try saying that quickly three times in a row.’

  Winter rolled his eyes. ‘Come on. There are a few lights on towards the back so the main doors will be open.’

  If lights were on, that meant people were still working. I shuddered. Winter smirked, as if reading my thoughts, then he took my elbow and steered me up the steps and inside the building.

  There weren’t as many security witches on guard as there were during the day – which made no sense to me whatsoever – but two of them were still sitting out front and eyeing our approach. Winter hooked his arm through my elbow and we strolled up to them.

  ‘Adeptus Exemptus…’ the first one began.

  Winter held up his hand. ‘Not any longer. As I’m sure you know.’

  His buddy was bolder. ‘And I’m sure you know, sir, that we cannot allow you to enter unless you have an appointment.’ He made a show of checking his watch. ‘I think visiting hours are over.’

  ‘Of course, of course,’ Winter murmured. He showed them an envelope. ‘I wanted to leave this for the Ipsissimus. I promised him I’d bring it over.’

  The witch’s lip curled. ‘And you thought you’d drop it off now?’ His implication was obvious – Winter was too scared to come by at a sane hour. He wanted to make sure he avoided bumping into any former colleagues. What the witch didn’t realise was that Winter didn’t suffer from any ego issues.

  ‘I did.’ Winter shrugged and stepped back. ‘One more thing,’ he said, reaching into his pocket.

  The witch smirked. ‘Yes?’

  Winter pulled out a handful of herbs he’d prepared earlier and blew them gently towards the pair of guards. They blinked rapidly several times before their eyes rolled into the back of their heads and they keeled over. I caught the nice quiet one; Winter grabbed Mr Nasty.

  ‘You should have let him fall,’ I said.

  ‘He’s only doing his job.’
/>
  ‘He didn’t have to be a prick about it.’

  Winter took my hand. ‘Are you angry on my behalf?’

  I groaned. ‘I guess so. You realise we’re turning into the worst kind of couple, right? Making moony eyes at each other and bristling at every perceived slight? It’s a slippery slope. Next thing you know we’ll be wearing matching T-shirts and getting Winter Luvs Wilde stickers for the car.’

  He chuckled. ‘I think we’re probably safe for now. I don’t own many T-shirts.’ He had a point. Even when he stayed at home as part of the ranks of the hopelessly unemployed, he wore a perfectly starched shirt.

  I grinned and tugged his hand. ‘Come on. Grenville’s portrait is up this way.’

  ‘What?’ he asked in a mocking voice. ‘Not up a flight of stairs?’

  ‘Ha, ha.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Let’s go.’

  We ambled up together, pausing when we reached the picture. ‘Intimidating bugger,’ Winter remarked.

  ‘Careful what you say,’ I said. ‘He’s kind of vain.’

  ‘Vain?’ Grenville screeched into my ear. ‘Vain?’

  I winced. ‘Sorry.’

  Winter gave me a questioning glance. I nodded briefly and turned to face the ghost. ‘Hey, chum,’ I said cheerily.

  Grenville glared. ‘Who is this man?’

  ‘A highly talented witch who wanted to meet you for himself.’ I smiled.

  The ghost snorted. ‘He’s not that talented then, is he? Only you are capable of that.’ He looked me up and down. ‘More’s the pity.’

  I was starting to get a teeny bit fed up of all these dead people deriding me. ‘Look,’ I said, turning off my friendly expression. ‘You’re the one who wanted to meet here. I would rather be sleeping. If you prefer that we leave, that can easily be arranged.’ I didn’t mention that I needed him to tell me if I was turning into an evil necromancer. I’d save that part for when I knew I truly had the ghost in the palm of my hand. I wouldn’t exactly call myself a spiritual mastermind but I reckoned I was getting close.

  Grenville sniffed loudly. ‘As the highest ranking spiritual entity on this plane, I have been nominated to make contact with you and lay out our demands.’

  I blinked. ‘Demands?’ I felt Winter stiffen beside me and put a reassuring hand on his arm but I still stared at Grenville as if he were nuts.

  ‘Indeed.’ Grenville rose up so that he towered over me. If he thought that was supposed to be intimidating then he hadn’t had to drive hen parties home at three o’clock in the morning. ‘What is your name?’

  ‘Ivy.’

  ‘Ha! Figures.’

  I narrowed my eyes. ‘Why?’

  ‘It’s a ground-creeping plant which insinuates itself everywhere and is next to impossible to kill.’

  Hmm. I quite liked that analogy. I flashed Grenville a smile. ‘Cool.’

  ‘Whatever. Listen very carefully, Ivy.’ He bared his teeth. ‘I do not wish to repeat myself. First of all, we want a halt put on all future curses. It’s getting crowded enough here as it is.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You are not the brightest witch, are you?’ He sighed. ‘Why do you think so many of us spirits are still here?’

  That one was easy. ‘Unfinished business. You need to find the person who killed you, or to look after your family members before you can pass into the light.’

  ‘Pah! I died over two hundred years ago. Do you really think that’s an issue? We don’t hang around here because we want to, we are here because we are forced to stay. Do you know how common it is for someone to say “rot in hell”? Do you know what happens as a result? All it takes is for the curser to have the faintest smidgen of magic for eternal disaster to ensue.’

  ‘But you’re not in hell,’ I pointed out. ‘You’re in limbo.’

  He tutted. ‘Hell by another name.’ He shook his head in disbelief at being faced with such an imbecile. ‘Words have power. You’re a witch. You should realise that.’

  ‘So any flippant comment can consign someone to eternal damnation?’ To say I was dubious about that was putting it mildly.

  Grenville sighed. ‘What are the marriage vows? To love, honour and obey—’

  Whoa. ‘None of that obeying crap. We’re not living in the nineteenth century. Not any more.’

  He was astonished. ‘No obedience? How on earth…’ He shivered – as much as a ghost could shiver. ‘Never mind. That’s not what I am referring to. In a Christian ceremony, where it is widely considered that there is life after death, why do the vows state a couple will only last until death us do part?’

  ‘Remarriage.’

  ‘No! You foolish girl!’ he bawled.

  Taken aback by his vehemence, I flinched.

  ‘Ivy,’ Winter said in a warning undertone.

  ‘Don’t worry. He’s just … loud.’

  Winter glowered. ‘We can leave whenever you want.’

  ‘It’s not a problem.’

  Grenville shook his fist at me. ‘Are you even listening?’

  ‘If you stop shouting, then I will,’ I replied calmly. ‘Right now, it seems like you need me a whole lot more than I need you. Calm yourself down.’

  Grenville spluttered but he at least seemed to realise that I was serious. There were plenty of other ghosts I could talk to. They might all be bad tempered but that didn’t mean I was going to stand there and be shouted at for no reason.

  He took a moment to compose himself before starting again. ‘I apologise,’ he said stiffly. ‘The time I have been like this has not been conducive to good manners. It is not easy spending two centuries watching the country descend into chaos while being unable to do a thing about it. We cannot eat. We cannot touch. We cannot feel.’ He paused. ‘Not physically anyway.’

  ‘I can see how that would put you in a bad mood.’

  Grenville grunted. ‘Indeed.’ He twitched. ‘The point I am trying to make is that vows hold as much meaning in the after-life as they do in life itself. People don’t realise what damage can be done by saying the wrong thing or damning someone beyond the grave. We would like something done about it.’

  I scratched my head. ‘I’m not sure what I can do but I’ll give it a shot.’

  ‘I sincerely hope you will do better than that. Besides, I am not finished.’

  Genuinely fascinated about what he was going to say next, I gave him my full attention. ‘Go on.’

  ‘Other cultures revere their ancestors.’

  I nodded. ‘You want reverence. Check.’ I paused. ‘How would you like that?’

  ‘Do you know what the Chinese do?’

  ‘Er…’

  ‘Speak properly, girl! “Er” is not a word! The Chinese provide sustenance for their forebears. They have shrines in their houses. They make offerings and they treat their ancestors with respect! And what do we get? A couple of graveside visits if we’re lucky and then we’re consigned to history.’

  ‘You want a shrine?’ I turned my head to the wall. ‘You have a portrait. People pass by it every day. It can’t be that bad.’

  Grenville’s bushy eyebrows drew together. ‘This is not just about me!’ he barked. ‘This is about every ghost. I’m speaking on behalf of all of them.’

  ‘All ghosts want shrines? Or portraits?’

  ‘They want to be remembered!’

  Ah. That made sense. ‘Okay.’

  ‘I’m still not done.’ He fixed me with his yellow stare. ‘This part is the most important. We want our descendants to release us from whatever curses or vows are keeping us in this…’ his mouth turned down ‘…place. That way we can move on. We will tell you who to talk to and what they need to do. They will do it and we will pass on to the next plane.’

  I was thoroughly confused. ‘The next plane? Aeroplane?’

  A spasm of anguish crossed Grenville’s features. ‘Why you? Out of all the people we could have had, why did we get you?’

  ‘I’m starting to ask myself the same question,’ I grumbled.r />
  He shook his head in irritation. ‘The next plane of existence! The place where we are supposed to be!’

  At risk of being shouted at again, I asked another question. Just for clarification, it would be useful to know if Grenville here was destined for the fiery pits of Satan because he was an evil bastard. ‘The place you’re supposed to be is … heaven?’ I hedged. ‘Or hell?’

  He sighed. ‘It’s a much more complicated concept than that. Your tiny brain would not be able to comprehend the truth. In any case, you don’t need to know the specifics, you just need to help us move on. We have established a system. Old-timers get priority. They talk to you, you talk to their families. Everybody’s happy.’

  I passed a hand in front of my eyes while Winter nudged me in the ribs. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘In a nutshell,’ I said, ‘there are a bunch of ghosts trapped here in this existence. They’ve effectively unionised in order to improve their lot and move onto the next, uh, plane.’

  For the first time, Winter looked less wary and more interested. ‘So Old Ipsissimus Grenville is the union rep?’

  ‘You could put it like that. The trouble is,’ I continued, glancing at the ghost, ‘there’s only one of me. I have better things to do than spend the rest of my life helping out you lot. I’m not unsympathetic to your cause but there are thousands of you. I can’t drop everything and help you out. I don’t have the time.’

  ‘Why ever not?’

  ‘Because it would take my lifetime.’ Actually, I couldn’t abandon them now, any of them, but I needed Grenville to appreciate what a massive undertaking this would be.

  ‘We are not idiots. We will space out our requests.’

  ‘Yeah, but…’

  He sighed. ‘The living are all the same. They only think of themselves.’ He sniffed loudly. ‘We expected this. We are prepared to help you in return.’

  ‘Help me how? I asked, cautious now.

  ‘Not you specifically. All of you.’ He waved his arms around. ‘Come on. Let’s be having you.’