The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  ‘I’ve done nothing to you!’ he spat. ‘And look at me! I bruise easily and I’m going to be black and blue for weeks! My wife will kill me.’

  ‘I really am sorry.’ I licked my lips. ‘We’re looking for a murderer. A man with a bald head and a bushy black beard just like yours, who we thought might work here. He’s killed seven people already. We believe he’s planning to kill more. Believe me, no one is more upset than me that you’re not him.’

  The security guard stared at me. Something about his expression made me sit up straight. ‘You know who I’m talking about,’ I breathed.

  ‘What if I do? How do I know you are who you say you are? Maybe you just have a thing against beards.’

  ‘You know that’s ridiculous, right?’ I hesitated. ‘Although I’ve always wondered whether you end up with lots of food in your beard when you eat. Do you find yourself picking out crumbs later on and having them as a snack?’

  He looked me as if I were mad. Yeah, alright, but at least it was making him realise that I wasn’t a dangerous witch who’d turn him into a frog and that I was just nutty. Nutty enough to mistake him for someone else.

  He wiped some of the blood onto his sleeve. ‘The police are coming. You can explain yourself to them.’

  ‘And I will! But, please, you have to tell me who I’m really looking for and where I can find him. More people will die if you don’t.’

  He searched my face, as if seeking the truth of my words. ‘You could be anyone,’ he said finally. ‘You could be making all this up.’

  ‘You know I’m a witch. I cast a spell to make those ice cubes appear.’

  He pursed his lips. ‘Yeah, why did you do that? It was a bit weird.’

  Uh… ‘To cool you both off and get you to stop fighting, of course. That’s not the point. The point is I could easily cast another spell now and get myself out of this situation. I could hurt you if I wanted to but I haven’t done. Because I’m not a bad person. I’m on the tail of a very bad person and so is my boyfriend. We’ll wait for the police if it makes you feel safe but please,’ I pleaded, ‘tell me what you know.’

  For a moment, I thought he was going to refuse but something about my desperate begging persuaded him. Whatever it was, when he started talking I sagged against Winter’s prone body in relief. Some good had to come out of this disaster.

  ‘He doesn’t work here. His family owns the place but he doesn’t have much to do with it. I’ve only met him a couple of times. It’s been a bit of a running joke among the lads that we look alike but Hal never seems to find it funny. I’ve only been working here for a month or so, but I’ve always had the impression he despises me. I assumed it was because we look similar.’

  ‘Hal,’ I pressed. ‘That’s his name?’

  ‘Yeah. Hal Prescott. He lives in that swanky new building a few miles down the road. We might look alike but we live very different lives.’

  ‘If you’ve only been working here for a month, who was in your job before you? Do you know?’

  The guard shook his head. ‘No one. I mean, you wouldn’t think a crematorium would need security, would you?’ He gave me a pointed look and I cringed. ‘They hired me because there’d been some trouble with the furnaces. The Prescotts thought kids were maybe coming in and burning stuff. Or that maybe it was Travellers or someone, you know? They were definitely being used.’ He raised his massive shoulders in a shrug. ‘But until you and Blue Eyes here showed up, I’d seen nothing. No one comes here at night.’

  I had a hunch that the reason Blackbeard despised him was because he was in the way, not because they resembled each other. Perhaps this was the real reason why he’d drawn out disposing of the coven’s remains. He couldn’t kill anyone else because now he couldn’t burn their bodies without being noticed, so he had to get his kicks where he could. He would have found it easy to sneak in on his own at night before the guard was hired. Now, whether his family owned the place or not, it would be next to impossible.

  Another thought occurred to me. ‘You said that this place doesn’t provide cremation services for familiars. Why not?’

  He bared his teeth in a grin, ‘Apparently they really don’t like witches. In fact, I heard they think the lot of you are scum.’ The guard seemed almost delighted to tell me this.

  Fascinated, I had to ask the question. ‘Why?’

  ‘Dunno. No one knows.’

  Hmm. Maybe they’d had a bad encounter in the past. Maybe there was a black sheep in the family who was a witch. Maybe they wanted to be witches and weren’t. I chewed the inside of my cheek. Maybe it was even something to do with the fact that little Hal was a null. In the end, the motive didn’t matter; finding and stopping Blackbeard did.

  Behind me, Winter began to stir. He groaned even louder than I had. The security guard shuffled, obviously nervous, so I leaned back my head. ‘Just relax, Rafe. It’s fine. We’re all fine. Don’t do anything silly.’

  ‘Are you okay?’

  Concussed, bleary-eyed and covered in vomit, I replied, ‘I’m fine. Everything is fine. We’re all calm and we’re all happy. In fact—’

  The door burst open and several men ran in, shouting and yelling. ‘Police! Nobody move!’ The nearest one jabbed a finger at me as if I were about to get up and do the cancan.

  ‘We’re tied up,’ I said helpfully. ‘We can’t move.’

  The security guard raised a hand to his head. A moment later, a police officer was on top of him, yanking his arm behind his back in a manner that looked both incredibly painful and incredibly unnatural. The guard really wasn’t having a very good night.

  ‘He’s the one who called you guys,’ I said, in a bid to encourage the police to let him go. Watching his takedown was making me flinch and there was every possibility I would throw up again. ‘He’s the good guy.’ I realised what I’d just said. ‘I mean, we’re the good guys too. We’re all good guys. There are no bad guys. This has all been a terrible misunderstanding.’

  ‘Call the Ipsissimus,’ Winter said in a loud voice which commanded attention. He certainly came across a lot more coherently than I had. ‘We are here with the full knowledge of the Hallowed Order of Magical Enlightenment. We are also working with a large group of police officers on a serious matter which takes precedence over your jurisdiction.’

  One of the policemen, who I took to be the one in charge because his shoes were the shiniest, gave Winter an assessing glance. Apparently deciding that he sounded credible, the officer muttered something into his walkie-talkie. This would all be sorted out in a jiffy. No harm done.

  Yet another police officer entered the room. ‘The owner is on his way,’ he declared to no one in particular.

  I immediately stiffened. Okay, that was bad. Very bad. ‘Rafe,’ I whispered, ‘we have a problem.’

  The security guard started to yell and shout, trying to free himself. All the policemen focused their attention on him. They should have known better.

  Winter replied to me over the tumult. ‘We’re tied up on the floor of a crematorium and surrounded by angry police officers, Ivy. Not to mention that I apparently beat up an innocent man. Yes, I’d say we have a problem. Several problems.’

  Actually, I thought it was the innocent man who’d beaten up Winter rather than the other way around but I decided not to mention that. ‘I mean another problem. Blackbeard, the real Blackbeard, is a man called Hal Prescott. He’s the crematorium owner’s son and the whole family hate witches. If Blackbeard comes with his dad to see what the problem is and we’re tied up like this…’

  Winter sucked in a breath. ‘Right.’ He paused. ‘Maybe he won’t come. Maybe it’ll just be the father.’

  There was a crackle on the walkie-talkie, barely audible over the guard’s continued protests. ‘No confirmation yet. Hold the suspects.’

  I grimaced. ‘Even if it is just the owner, he’ll see us and tell his family that two witches were caught breaking in. He won’t even need to describe us for Blackbeard to get
suspicious. If we can persuade this lot that Blackbeard is the criminal we’ll be fine but I don’t think there’s time. I don’t think they’ll believe us. We need to buy ourselves an hour or two. We need the upper hand if we’re going to bring Blackbeard down.’

  ‘The Order never goes against the police, Ivy. We always do what they say, even when we don’t agree with it. It’s the only way the two organisations can work together.’ Winter sniffed. ‘But I’m not with the Order any longer. If we can free ourselves and combine our magic, we can create a sleeping spell strong enough to knock out everyone here and that’ll give us time to get away. Even if Blackbeard and the owner arrive, it’ll be a couple of hours before this lot come round and can answer any questions. We should have enough time to regroup and decide upon a plan of action.’

  I’d created a monster. ‘Or wait outside for Blackbeard to show up and go with our original plan of taking him down right here.’

  ‘Yes,’ he said drily, ‘because that’s working out so well this far.’ Sarcastic bugger. ‘Okay, let’s do that.’

  I felt really bad about the security guard but sleep would probably be the best thing for him. It would give him a chance to recoup his strength. I’d keep telling myself that. ‘Can you wiggle free?’

  Winter snorted. At least three of the police officers who were standing around waiting for orders swung their heads towards him, their eyes narrowing. ‘Piece of cake.’

  Two of the policemen peeled off and moved towards us. ‘Then hurry.’

  Winter laughed softly and I felt the bonds loosen instantly. Damn, that was good. ‘On a count of three.’

  ‘One. Two.’

  The nearest policeman glared at us. ‘What are you two up to?’

  Together we chanted, ‘Three.’

  Magical power billowed up inside me, expanding outwards and suffusing the room. I felt Winter’s magic mingle with mine until you could barely tell the difference between the two strands. The spell coalesced and the magic danced – and the mingled policemen dropped like flies.

  ‘Wow,’ I whispered.

  Winter stood up and turned, pulling me to my feet and gazing into my eyes. ‘You felt that too?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I licked my lips and we smiled at each other gleefully, as if we were Bonnie and Clyde. There was definitely a thrill in breaking the law, even if it was done with the best of intentions. I drew in a shaky breath. Then we got moving.

  Taking a moment out, I checked on the hapless security guard and pulled off the policeman who was now snoring on top of him. I turned the guard carefully onto his back, adjusting his head so that he’d be comfortable and wouldn’t choke on his own tongue. My eyes drifted down to his badge. Alan Hopkins. So that was his name. Sorry, mate.

  ‘Ivy,’ Winter said, ‘if you’re wishing that you were fast asleep like this lot, can you do it from outside when we’re in place and ready for Blackbeard?’

  For once the thought of sleep hadn’t even occurred to me, even though my head was still pounding. I guess Winter was affecting me much as I was affecting him. I flashed him a quick smile and we darted out.

  My trusty taxi was sitting exactly where I’d left it, although now it was concealed by the police cars parked haphazardly outside the crematorium. Brutus had apparently slept through the entire ruckus. I’d have thought that our spell had affected him as well, except that he let out a tiny miaow when we got inside, followed by a half-hearted demand for food. I reached back and gave him a quick scratch behind his ears and he immediately fell asleep again. Oh, to be a cat.

  We didn’t have to wait long. Dusk had now fallen and the headlights of the approaching vehicle could be seen for miles. Winter and I hunkered down and waited. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted this to be Blackbeard – Hal Prescott – or not. It would be good to get this over and done with but I wasn’t feeling my best. I had my doubts about Winter, as well. His right eye was puffing up and the skin around it was turning a vivid purple colour. He was probably in as much pain as I was. But if this really were Blackbeard, we couldn’t afford to hide in the corner and lick our wounds. We would be forced to act.

  ‘We’re heroes,’ I said aloud.

  Winter shot me a look. ‘With massive egos.’

  I shrugged. ‘False modesty is a waste of time. Besides, look at us. I’m covered in sick and you’re covered in blood. We’re both covered in bruises and could do with some serious medical attention. But we’re still here and we’re still going to take on Blackbeard. If we can find him.’

  Winter’s response was quiet. ‘What other choice is there?’

  The car pulled into the car park and came to a halt. ‘Hush,’ Winter cautioned.

  I nodded and slid further down in my seat. ‘Stay down, Brutus,’ I said unnecessarily.

  The car’s engine was switched off. Although it was difficult to tell what make it was given the poor light, the car was certainly large and expensive. That engine hadn’t growled, it had purred. Dead pets paid well.

  Winter and I held our breath but we needn’t have bothered. Only one figure got out of the car and it definitely wasn’t Blackbeard. Whoever this was, they were clean shaven, with a full head of hair and a far slighter build. Daddy, then. But where was his bearded bastard of a witch-killing son?

  We waited until Prescott senior vanished into the main building then I turned on the taxi engine and drove us out of there, turning left at the crossroads.

  ‘Maybe we should have stayed,’ Winter said. ‘Blackbeard is bound to show up sooner or later.’

  ‘So are more police,’ I pointed out. ‘Prescott isn’t going to hang around and wait for that lot to wake up, is he? He’s going to call in the cavalry. We need to skedaddle.’

  Winter shook his head as if what we’d just done was only just starting to sink in. He passed a hand over his forehead. ‘What a mess.’

  I reached across and patted his arm. ‘Look on the bright side. You can’t get fired.’

  He didn’t seem entirely appeased.

  I flicked on the indicator to turn right. A heartbeat later, I changed my mind. ‘Do you see that?’ I said.

  ‘See what?’ Winter grunted. His former life was probably still passing in front of his eyes.

  ‘That building in front of us. It’s pretty swanky, right?’

  He glanced over. ‘I suppose.’

  ‘And it looks new?’

  Winter peered more closely out of the window. ‘Yes.’

  I grinned. ‘Raphael Winter, you are a very lucky man. If I weren’t such a conscientious witch, we’d still be up the creek without a paddle. I’ve just found us a boat engine. If Mahomet won’t come to the mountain…’

  He was still confused. ‘What on earth are you going on about?’

  My grin widened. ‘While you were snoozing, Alan the security guard mentioned that Blackbeard, aka Hal Prescott, lives in a swanky new apartment building. That, my friend, is a very swanky, very new apartment building. And it just happens to be a few miles from the family crematorium. Handy, huh?’ I threw him a sidelong look. ‘What’s that gut instinct telling you now?’

  Winter sat up straight and flexed his fingers. ‘Ivy Wilde,’ he breathed. ‘I’m head over heels in love with you.’

  I beamed.

  Chapter Sixteen

  We were on a clock; it wouldn’t be long before the police were dispatched to this address. Somehow I didn’t think you could send half a squadron to sleep and not expect every stone not to be turned by the police officers who were still awake. If they had any common sense, they’d come here eventually. In any case, even if time weren’t of the essence, I’d lost patience with working surreptitiously. Winter obviously felt the same. We didn’t even discuss the matter; we simply strolled through the front doors, ignoring the well-placed CCTV cameras and walked up to the sleepy-looking security guard at the front desk.

  ‘Hal Prescott,’ I said. ‘Where is he?’

  The guard blinked and stifled a yawn. Then he took in our vomity, bloody,
bruisy appearances and sat up straight. ‘Er, who are you?’

  It was Winter who answered. ‘Adeptus Exemptus Raphael Winter from the Hallowed Order of Magical Enlightenment. We need to find Hal Prescott immediately.’ He leaned forward. ‘It’s a matter of life and death.’

  Our less than salubrious appearances must have added credence to Winter’s words. The guard was more than eager to help us out. ‘Of course, sir,’ he said. His cheeks turned bright red. ‘I mean Adeptus Exceptus. Exemptus. Shit. Sorry.’ He coughed. ‘Shit.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I said. ‘Civilians often struggle when confronted by us for the first time.’

  He nodded vigorously, obviously relieved that I’d given him reason to act like a stumbling numpty, and turned to his computer. Unfortunately, his relief didn’t last long. After a few frantic key taps, his brows knitted together anxiously. ‘I’m afraid, Mr Prescott isn’t here. He’s informed us that he’ll be away for the next week at least.’

  A whole week? My stomach dropped. Whatever Blackbeard was planning, we could be certain that it would be catastrophic. His supposed interview as part of Clare’s coven was on Tuesday; that left at least five more days for him to cause even more havoc and kill even more people.

  ‘Do you have a mobile phone number for him?’

  More key taps. The guard swallowed. ‘No.’

  Winter and I exchanged glances. ‘Then,’ he said, ‘you’re going to have to let us into his flat. We need to search it without further delay.’

  ‘I can’t…’ The guard tugged at his collar. ‘I don’t think I can do that. You need a warrant.’

  Winter folded his arms across his broad chest. ‘You’re right. It’s important to stick to the letter of the law. The trouble is that lives are in danger and we don’t have time to get the warrant we need.’ He paused. ‘Why don’t you just tell us which flat belongs to Mr Prescott? We’ll take things from there. Any measures we take will occur without your permission or your knowledge.’