The Lazy Girl's Guide To Magic : The Complete Series

by Helen Harper

  From the other side of the forecourt, a man in top hat and tails raised a hand in greeting. I rolled my eyes and pretended not to see him I really didn’t have time for another damn ghost, not right now. They could have my full attention, such as it was, when Blackbeard was out of the way. Until then, they’d have to wait.

  ‘Coooeeee!’

  I stared at the pump, willing the numbers to move faster and for my tank to fill just that little bit quicker. Another twenty seconds and we’d be ready to go again. Come on. Come on.

  ‘You’re Ivy, right?’

  Tralalalalala. The petrol finally stopped flowing. I hastily re-hooked the hose and put the taxi’s fuel cap back on.

  ‘Hello?’

  I can’t hear you. I reached into my back pocket to pull out my purse to pay and strode towards the main booth.

  ‘Clare Rees asked me to find you.’

  Arse. I halted abruptly, causing the person behind me to smack into my back. I turned and glared at her, as if it were her fault that we’d collided, then looked at the ghost. ‘Is there a problem?’

  ‘No, no!’ he trilled. ‘Quite the opposite, in fact.’

  I gritted my teeth. If Clare had sent a fellow phantom here simply to say hello, I’d kill her whether she was a ghost already or not. ‘Then, why,’ I asked, ‘are you here?’

  ‘Well,’ he said, flipping his white silk scarf over his shoulder and considering the question, ‘I’m not entirely sure. I must say, I’m very glad to be here though. I perished on the Titanic so I could have ended up either in New York or here.’ He shuddered. ‘Or at the bottom of the ocean. Can you imagine having to haunt a bunch of fish for the rest of eternity?’

  I stared at him then I began to turn away. Sod this malarkey.

  ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘You mean here as in this place. Whatever it is. I’m looking for you because Clare Rees wants you to know that the rest of her coven have appeared.’

  I spun back round then immediately regretted it as I almost toppled over. I definitely needed a holiday to regain my equilibrium. I’d had three days’ hard graft. That was more than enough for this month. Or this year.

  ‘Ivy!’ Winter called from the car. He tapped his watch and I nodded to show I understood.

  ‘Give me a minute. Can you pay for the petrol? I need to talk to this guy.’ I gestured at the overdressed spectre.

  Unfortunately, a man who was most definitely not dead – but who looked like he had the sort of hangover that made you wish you were dead – passed in front of me and frowned blearily. ‘What? Were you at Jill’s party? Because what happened with that bush wasn’t my fault.’

  ‘I wasn’t talking to you,’ I said.

  He glanced over his shoulder. There was no one there apart from Mr Titanic who, of course, my new acquaintance couldn’t see.

  I rolled my eyes. ‘Just piss off.’ Politeness was all very well when you didn’t have dead people and mass murderers and potential Order destruction on your plate at the same time. I could see him thinking about retorting but in the end the hangover won out and he continued on his way. It was probably just as well.

  I returned my full attention to the ghost. ‘Where are they?’ I asked. ‘Where are the other coven members?’

  ‘Visiting their families, I believe.’ He sniffed. ‘The newly dead often find it hard to let go when they realise they’re no longer physically viable.’

  ‘I meant where are their remains?’

  His eyebrows lifted. ‘Oh yes. Apparently I’m to tell you that they’re in a hotel room in a place called Uffington. There’s a lot of activity going on outside. Something to do with magic? Or police?’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t really know.’

  My stomach sank. ‘Is that it?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  He bowed. ‘It was my pleasure, my dear. Toodle pip.’ He vanished.

  I returned to the car at the same time as Winter. ‘All paid,’ he said. ‘Was that another ghost?’

  I nodded grimly and told him what Mr Titanic had said. Winter’s expression grew even bleaker while his blue eyes darkened. ‘It’s confirmed then. They wouldn’t have appeared if Blackbeard was in the vicinity. His null nature would have prevented it. He’s definitely not in Uffington but he wants us to think he is.’

  I turned on the engine. I thought I’d been driving too fast before; that was nothing compared to what I was about to do.

  I half expected to arrive at the Order headquarters and find a scene of bloody carnage. We’d kept the radio on as we drove on the off-chance that a breaking news bulletin would tell us everything we didn’t want to know, but there was nothing. Abandoning all sense of propriety or sanity, I abandoned the taxi in the middle of the road and jumped out.

  ‘Stay with the car, Brutus,’ I ordered. This wasn’t the time to have him loose on a magical campus. We had enough to worry about as it was. Fortunately, he simply yawned in response and curled up to sleep in the back seat. Thank goodness for small mercies.

  Focusing on the nearest group of witches, I grabbed a red-robed Neophyte and pulled her to the side before shaking her. ‘What’s going on? What’s wrong?’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Have you seen a man with a black beard and a bald head anywhere near here?’

  Her jaw hung gormlessly as she tried to work out who I was and what I really wanted. The relief on her face when she spotted Winter was almost palpable. ‘Adeptus Exemptus!’

  ‘Ivy,’ Winter said, ‘let go of the innocent Neophyte. She clearly doesn’t know anything.’ I bared my teeth and she jumped but I did as he asked. ‘I’m sorry,’ Winter continued with a professional smile. Now we were back at the Order, he’d automatically slipped back into serious witch mode.

  She gave him a fawning glance as if he’d just rescued her from a wildebeest. ‘I’m Lily. You won’t remember me,’ she said, ‘but we’ve met before. It was only once during orientation, and there were lots of other Neophytes in the same group, but it was a real honour for me.’

  Winter smiled. ‘Lily, of course I remember. You’re the girl from Devon who likes fish and is looking forward to learning more about herblore.’

  Her cheeks turned bright pink. Damn him and his almost perfect memory. I tapped my foot impatiently. Did we seriously have time for this crap?

  ‘Tell me, Lily,’ Winter said, leaning in towards her. ‘Have you noticed anything out of the ordinary about the Order today? It’s very important. Anything you’ve seen will be helpful.’

  ‘Uh…’ She blinked rapidly, obviously desperate to help her hero. ‘There are a lot of Arcane Branch witches absent.’

  Winter nodded quickly. ‘Anything else?’

  Her brow furrowed as she tried to think. This was a waste of time. ‘The cafeteria in the north quarter has green jelly instead of red. I don’t know why.’

  I huffed and rolled my eyes. They ignored me.

  ‘And have you seen the man Ivy described? He’s quite distinctive. A very large build, a big bushy black beard, and an earring with a skull in it.’

  She desperately wanted to say yes but in the end she felt compelled to tell the truth. ‘No.’

  ‘How about your friends over there?’ he asked gently, pointing towards the rest of the Neophytes who were goggling at us.

  ‘I’ll go ask.’ She turned tail and jogged away.

  ‘You can stop that,’ Winter said to me in an undertone. ‘I learnt those skills from you.’

  ‘Skills?’ I scoffed. ‘Getting young women to all but drop their knickers at one flash of your baby blues? That’s not one of my skills.’

  ‘I meant being nice to people to get them to tell us what they know.’

  I crossed my arms. ‘I don’t think Lily knows anything.’

  ‘Wide-eyed Neophytes have wide eyes. They see more than you think.’ He gestured around. ‘There’s nothing wrong here. No one is screaming. There is no blood.’

  ‘Just because Blackbeard’s not acted yet doesn’t mean he w
on’t.’

  ‘I know that.’ Winter touched my arm. ‘Don’t let the stress get to you.’

  My mouth twitched, ready to continue arguing, but I forced myself to relax. Winter was right: I’d been so worked up about what we were going to see when we arrived that seeing nothing had amped up the pressure inside me. I breathed out. Breathing was good.

  Lily ran back over. ‘No. No one’s seen a thing.’

  ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘It’s really appreciated. Ivy and I are going to see the Ipsissimus now but I need you to pass the word round. If anyone sees the man I described, they are not to approach him. They must come and find us as quickly as possible. Can I trust you to do this?’

  Lily pulled her shoulders back. ‘Yes.’ Her eyes shone. ‘Yes, you can. I won’t let you down.’ She half curtsied and sped away once more.

  ‘Okay,’ I conceded grudgingly. ‘She’s going to bend over backwards to do your bidding. That was actually quite smart.’

  Winter gave me a fleeting smile. ‘I am actually quite smart.’ Then his expression sobered. ‘But perhaps not as smart as Blackbeard. Let’s get to the Ipsissimus now. He’ll be able to prevent this from happening.’

  I sighed. Yeah. Whatever ‘this’ was.

  ‘I’ll tell you one thing,’ Winter said, as we marched towards the main building where the Ipsissimus hung out. ‘I really can’t believe they’re selling green jelly instead of red.’

  I glanced at him. ‘Did you just crack a joke whilst under extreme pressure?’

  ‘I did.’ He paused. ‘Did it work?’

  ‘Nope.’ I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. ‘But I do love you for it.’

  Chapter Twenty

  About three seconds after we entered, a security guard strode up to us. ‘Adeptus Exemptus Winter, Ipsissimus Collings told us that if you appeared we were to inform him immediately and ask you to wait to be shown up to his office.’ His tone was warm and respectful. It certainly made a change. ‘Unfortunately, he’s not here at the moment but we can try to locate him for you. Why don’t you come with me and I’ll show you to a waiting area?’

  ‘We need to speak to him as soon as possible,’ Winter said, frowning.

  ‘We’ll do our best to find him quickly.’ The guard led us up the first flight of stairs and pointed towards a narrow bench before twisting round to hopefully do as he’d promised. The bench was situated directly in front of Grenville’s portrait. Well, well, well; Ipsissimus Collings was either having a joke or being incredibly respectful. I was hard placed to say which.

  Rather than sit down, I tapped my foot. ‘We should just barge our way up to his office and find him.’

  ‘Yes,’ Winter agreed. ‘Except you’re not in the Order and my privileges have been revoked. We can’t ascend any further than this floor. The wards will stop us.’

  I tilted my head and a tiny smile crossed my face. He should have learnt my ways by now. ‘I’ve got a few spells up my sleeve. I reckon I can break the wards long enough for us to get inside.’

  For a moment Winter didn’t speak then he ran a hand through his hair and exhaled loudly. ‘You’re not even exaggerating, are you?’

  I shrugged. ‘Given the lifestyle I lead now that you’re always around, it seemed prudent to brush up on my skills.’

  ‘Your skills of breaking into the most highly secured magical rooms in the country?’

  ‘Yep.’

  Winter shook his head. ‘Sometimes I’m really glad we’re on the same side, Ivy. Let’s keep that as a last resort, shall we? The Ipsissimus might be round the corner and the last thing we want is for you to knock yourself out by performing a few difficult spells.’

  Grenville’s face poked out from his portrait. The effect was decidedly weird, like a strange 3D picture where the creepy eyes followed you wherever you went. ‘He’s not round the corner,’ he chirped. ‘Collings, I mean. He’s really upstairs in his study.’ His eyes lost focus for a moment. ‘It used to be my study, you know.’

  I frowned. ‘Eh?’

  ‘Pardon.’

  ‘You’re excused.’

  Grenville tutted. ‘No. You should say pardon. Not eh. Eh is not even a word.’

  Yeah, yeah. I brushed away Grenville’s censure and focused on what he was saying. ‘What do you mean?’ I asked. ‘The Ipsissimus is really in his study? The one upstairs? You mean he’s hiding from us?’

  Winter’s head turned sharply towards me and he glowered.

  Grenville pretended to look innocent but it didn’t work. ‘All I’m telling you is the truth. I wouldn’t lie and damage my chance of crossing over to the other side, would I? I need you on my side.’

  ‘You would happily lie if you were still annoyed at me for breaking protocol,’ I said. ‘Are the other ghosties talking to you again?’

  His lip curled. ‘They’re coming around. Anyway, don’t concern yourself with me. Go and see Collings.’

  My shoulder blades twitched. Since when had Grenville cared about the living? ‘What’s going on?’ I asked suspiciously.

  He threw his hands up in exasperation. ‘I want you to stop faffing around with this killer fellow and start doing what you promised. Honestly, I never would have started you down this track if I thought you’d spend this much time over it. He’s only one man.’

  ‘Who’s only killed seven witches and is trying to kill several more.’

  Grenville looked away. ‘Just sort it out,’ he mumbled. ‘If you want to pass through the wards on the upper floors, the skeleton password is primogenitus ducis. Just don’t tell anyone that I told you.’

  My eyebrows flew up. ‘Skeleton password?’

  ‘It’s not a corpse,’ he said. ‘There’s no empty eye-socketed skull. It’s like a skeleton key that—’

  I held up my hand. ‘I know what a skeleton key is. Are you saying that this password will let me pass through any ward I choose?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Cool,’ I breathed out. ‘Thanks, Grenville.’ I grabbed Winter’s arm and tugged at his sleeve. ‘Come on.’

  ‘A skeleton password?’ Winter asked.

  ‘Apparently so.’ I paused. Maybe I’d keep old Grenville around for a while; he clearly had his uses. ‘And apparently the Ipsissimus is actually in his study, despite what that guard said. It doesn’t make any sense for him to hide from us.’

  ‘Unless,’ Winter pointed out, ‘he thinks we’re here to petition him to be allowed to go to Uffington.’

  I wrinkled my nose. ‘Yeah, but he wouldn’t be afraid of saying no. He’s not the easily intimidated type.’ We reached the next set of stairs and the first ward pushed against my skin. I muttered the skeleton password, the pressure lifted and we passed unimpeded.

  ‘Let’s not jump to conclusions,’ Winter advised. ‘Although maybe the Ipsissimus has changed his mind about inviting me back in now that I’m responsible for beating up an innocent man.’

  ‘You’re beating yourself up more than you beat him up,’ I said. ‘Come on, let’s get a move on. Whatever Collings’s reasons are for skulking in the shadows, what Blackbeard is up to is more important.’

  Winter and I exchanged looks. ‘Indeed,’ he said. ‘Indeed.’

  We made it all the way to the Ipsissimus’s study without having to slow down. No one stopped us – in fact, no one even saw us. Not for the first time, it occurred to me that the Hallowed Order of Magical Enlightenment relied far too heavily on magic to keep itself safe. All witches did. No wonder a null like Blackbeard could cause so much chaos.

  I had to admit that, vexing as all these ghosts were, they were proving useful. They ought to be careful; they were in danger of talking me out of helping them to leave their current state of limbo for whatever lay beyond.

  The Ipsissimus’s door was firmly closed. Winter strode up to it and knocked smartly on the wood. We waited for a few beats but heard nothing. Maybe Grenville had been lying. There was only one way to find out.

  Ignoring Winter’s sharp intake of breat
h, I reached for the doorknob and twisted it. ‘It’s not locked.’ I pushed the door open all the way and peered inside.

  The study was dim. Considering the cold sunshine outside, the closed curtains and the lack of a single light, there wasn’t much to suggest that the Ipsissimus was inside. Unless he were a vampire, of course.

  ‘Knock knock,’ I called.

  There was no answer. Winter’s expression was studiously blank but I reckoned he was feeling the same trepidation that I was. Something wasn’t right. That darned gut instinct was kicking in again.

  Quashing down the butterflies that were flapping around in my stomach, I stepped over the threshold. Nothing happened. I still couldn’t see the Ipsissimus. As befitted his station, his study was large but he definitely wasn’t in here. Not unless he was hiding underneath his desk. I bent down and checked, just to be sure. Nope, no one there.

  ‘Bloody Grenville,’ I muttered under my breath. The plonker was probably trying to get his revenge on me for not sticking to his rules. ‘Where is the Ipsissimus likely to be if he’s not here?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Winter said. ‘He’s not in Uffington and he’s not here.’ He checked his watch. ‘It’s too late for him to be doing his daily rounds of each Order department. He could be anywhere.’

  ‘It’s a Sunday,’ I pointed out. ‘Wouldn’t he be at home?’

  ‘With his feet up and a mug of hot cocoa?’ Winter snorted.

  ‘That’s what ordinary people do, Rafe. They relax in their own homes. It’s not weird.’

  Winter picked up a jar of herbs and unscrewed the lid, giving it a quick sniff. ‘It is if you’re Ipsissimus.’

  ‘Delegation is a beautiful thing.’

  I almost fell over when Winter agreed with me. ‘You’re right. It’s important to accede responsibility to others. They will have different points of view and different perspectives – and everyone needs a break.’ At my expression he gave a short laugh. ‘Not your kind of monthly sabbatical, Ivy. I mean a day off from time to time.’