As Tears Go By

by Lydia Michaels

  Her keening cries filled the room as he tormented her in the sweetest way possible, holding her to him as her pleasure climbed. Every encounter quickly unraveled into that moment, trumping all other experiences. Nothing compared to what he felt with this woman.

  Her shyness disappeared as he awoke every carnal part of her being. Her taste covered his lips and he savored every drop as she came, crying out his name and trembling in his grip.

  Braydon quickly pulled her down his body, cradling her narrow shoulders as he held her through the aftershocks of her climax and kissed her passionately. Adjusted their position, he slid her to her belly and climbed to his knees.

  Lining up their bodies up, he admired her figure and entered her from behind in one fluid motion. She cried out as he filled her. His hand snaked beneath her body, cupping her breast as his chest lowered, pressing sensually to her back. He couldn’t get close enough. Rising, he hitched her hips, raising her back flush against his front.

  The angle didn’t allow for speed, but it made up for it with depth. The intensity doubled as he held himself buried inside her heat and caressed his hand down her front, spreading his fingers wide across her abdomen. Her head tipped back to his shoulder, and he felt as though he were encroaching on her soul. Her arms looped around his neck as he caressed her chin and kissed her.

  His fingers followed the long curve of her arm, tracing down from her raised elbow to her breast. “Do you feel that?” he whispered against her soft lips. “I’ve never felt anything like it. Your body fits mine perfectly.”

  “Oh, God…” She moaned and whimpered as he slowly rocked into her. She did some fancy move with her hips, taking him deeper.

  His palms traced around her ribs and glided down to her trembling thighs. “You’re so hot and tight.” Her sex fluttered with every word he spoke. “Being inside of you is heaven.”

  She sighed as he teased the soft patch of hair above her sex.

  “Fuck, angel, I don’t ever want to leave you.”

  Her fingers locked in his hair, jerking his lips to hers. “Then don’t.”

  He chuckled, his lips mashing to hers.

  Her hands left his hair, teasing down his neck before reaching for her sex. Her delicate fingers stroked over his balls and toyed with her clit until he felt her break once more. Her body tightened around his length, as wet heat coated his cock and his own release tunneled out of him. They existed, in that moment, on some intrepid plane of bliss he’d never visited before.

  It was the most unadulterated sexual moment of his life and it only took him half a second to destroy it. “Marry me, angel.”

  * * * *

  Becca froze, her ears still ringing from the incredible, full body orgasm she’d just experienced. Her skin turned cold. “What…what did you just say?”

  Silence.

  “Braydon…” Needing to see his face, she crawled forward, disentangling her body from his. “Say something.”

  He remained quiet. She reached for the blankets, needing shelter after such a vulnerable show. His expression was blank. Her eyes traveled over his body and awareness as to why the sex was so incredible set in. “We didn’t use protection.”

  He blinked, but made no comment.

  Furious and feeling like she was speaking to a brick wall, she squirmed back and glared at him. “Braydon, say something. Now.”

  His Adam’s apple shifted as he noticeably swallowed. “I don’t know what to say.”

  Gripping her temples, she shook her head and snapped, “We forgot a condom.”

  “Are you upset?”

  Upset? Yes, she was upset! How was he calm? Rather than respond, she did quick math in her head. She had her period about two weeks ago. That meant—oh God.

  Breath filled her lungs, leveling her back into the headboard. Calm down. Don’t freak out. He still wasn’t talking, which only added to her frustration. Sliding her hands behind her head, she fisted her hair and exhaled slowly, hoping to expel some of her fear. It wasn’t helping and neither was he.

  Needing to take some form of action, she bolted off the bed. “I need to take a shower.”

  That seemed to jerk him back to reality. “Wait.” He jumped off the bed and grabbed her hand, but she flung him away, unable to tolerate closeness at the moment. She paced with agitation. Her mind fragmented with hypotheticals and worst-case scenarios. He seemed unbothered by the implications of their actions. Didn’t he understand?

  “I can’t wait, Braydon. You just came inside of me!”

  “Becca, please calm down. Besides, what the hell is showering going to do?”

  Her palms covered her face and she squeezed as regret growled out of her. “I don’t know, but I can’t have babies.” She flung her hands down, resenting her absent wits that had been chased away by booze.

  He frowned at her. “What are you talking about? You had Hunter.”

  “Exactly.” She needed fresh air—or a shower—or a drink. Anything outside of that room would help at the moment. “Where are my pants?”

  “Becca, stop for a minute. I’m sorry I forgot a condom, but I think you’re overreacting. The chances—”

  She turned on him. “That’s what you’re missing, Braydon. I can’t afford to take chances. Do you know what my life would be like if I had another child? I can barely handle Hunter on my own.”

  He drew back and scowled. “Who the fuck said you’d be alone?”

  “Don’t curse at me.”

  His lips thinned. “Don’t make me out to be an asshole. I’m not Kevin.”

  She found her shirt and snatched it off the floor. When she couldn’t turn it right side out she huffed and thwacked the garment in the air. “You’re right, you’re not. You’re some guy I met a couple months ago who has no idea about how difficult my life is.” Why wasn’t this shirt—

  The room spun and he was suddenly in her face, gripping her shoulders. “That’s enough. I love you, Becca. That means that I know you enough to care what your daily life entails, I wanna be there to help, and I respect you, God damn it. Stop acting like no one else can comprehend your job as a mother.”

  His harsh honesty left her shaken, her words readily jumping from her mouth to shield her heart. “They can’t! If you could you’d understand why I can’t have another child.”

  “You can have another child. The only thing stopping you is you!”

  Her jaw trembled. “No, Braydon, the only thing stopping me is reality. How many hours will I sleep with an infant in addition to Hunter? Who’s going to care for my baby while I’m working, which I’ll be doing until I’m dead, because—news flash—autism is expensive! Hunter’s medication costs me more than my car payment each month, not to mention his afterschool care and therapy sessions and all the equipment he needs. I couldn’t even afford to have a tree cut down! And I have to consider the amount of attention my son needs. What will that cost his siblings? I can’t emotionally afford another child and it’s completely selfish of me to dream of one when I’m already stretched to my limits on a daily basis. You don’t get it.”

  He dropped to the bed and stared at the floor. “But what if…”

  “What? What if I had a neurotypical child? Some studies claim there’s an eighteen percent chance of recurrence. It runs in families, Braydon. And even if I had the easiest, neurotypical baby in the world, babies require more effort than I can spare. You have no right to question me on this! And I have no right bringing another life into this world when I can barely manage my own.”

  “All right!” he shouted and she jerked back a step. “I said I was sorry. It was an accident.” He glared at her, and she didn’t like the hardness in his eyes.

  She turned to find shoes.

  “I can live with not having children.”

  Pivoting slowly she frowned at him. He wasn’t her husband. This entire issue was premature; their relationship not nearly developed enough to withstand such pressure. “Why should you have to?”

  “Because I wa
nt you and that’s what you want.”

  God, she would ruin him. She couldn’t stand the idea of depriving someone like Braydon of a family he obviously expected. “No, Braydon, none of this is what I want.”

  “Stop saying stuff like that. You’re upset.”

  “I’m real.” It hurt. The truth ripped into her like a hot poker cauterizing her dreams from actual reality. But it was her reality, not his. “You have this idea in your head about me that isn’t right. I’ve been telling you from the beginning, my life’s chaotic and I’m not some sweet little innocent.”

  “And I’ve listened to you, Becca. I’ve learned everything I can about autism. I read articles every day. What I can’t find is the part of you not defined by autism. I’m trying to figure you out, but you won’t let me in.”

  Her face lowered, as she could no longer look him in the eye. “There are no other parts. It’s my life.”

  He shook his head. “You’re wrong. You’re in there. You’ve been neglecting yourself for so long, you can’t recognize the woman I catch glimpses of, the woman I love.”

  They should have never said those words. “Why are you trying so hard?”

  “Why are you waiting for us to fail?” His shoulders drew up tight. He shook his head. “I guess I thought trying was what people did when they cared. I’ve never experienced so much opposition in my life.”

  Her heart turned heavy. “Braydon—”

  “Just stop. You know, I watch you with him. You’d move mountains if it meant making a minute of his life a little less difficult. Why is it so hard for you to believe someone would want to do the same for you? You’re right, I don’t know the first thing about being a parent or being a parent to a child with symptoms of autism. But you’re wrong if you think you have the market cornered on love. The one thing my family taught me, is to do anything for those you love. I guess I thought we could move more mountains together.”

  With that, he stood, shoved on his jeans, and left through the connecting bathroom. The door to the neighboring bedroom closed and locked. Shutting her eyes, she fought the urge to burst into tears.

  For several minutes she stood, trembling. Her body slowly moved to the bathroom, her mind someplace else. Becca showered, knowing that would do little to change their circumstances, but needed to anyway so that she could tell herself the wetness on her cheeks wasn’t tears. As she dried off, she listened at the door to the other bedroom connected to the adjoining bathroom.

  Silence.

  She was having a hard time recalling exactly what she’d said because she was still quite intoxicated. Everything happened so fast, she’d panicked, spewing her deepest fears, the ones she never shared.

  Shame knifed through her. How could she have said those things? Her personal opinion of herself in that moment was very low. Braydon never got angry, but she’d insulted him and he was definitely upset.

  Maybe she should apologize in the morning. It wasn’t his fault they were careless. They’d both had too much to drink and got carried away. The only person responsible for her body was her. Fear gave way to shame as she considered the degree she’d overreacted.

  Kevin was Hunter’s father and he couldn’t handle their life when he was the man intended for the job. How was she supposed to expect another man to handle what Hunter’s actual father couldn’t? Simply put, she was safest facing parenthood as a solitary job and she was at her limit with the responsibilities she already needed to handle.

  She’d begged Kevin for more children. After years of his rejection, all his fears somehow became her own. It wasn’t an easy realization that she and Kevin were somewhat alike. If her husband of ten years didn’t think she should have more children, what did Braydon know? They’d only been together for two months.

  The topic of pregnancy was an old wound that had never quite healed. It hurt every time she picked at it, and over time, she’d found it easier to simply accept she was better off only ever having one child.

  Still, as she lay in bed alone and thought over the incredible family she was staying with, the love thrumming through the walls, the affection each sibling shared, she longed to be a tiny part of all that love. The McCulloughs were no typical family and the thought that she could be carrying the next McCullough gave her a reckless sense of happiness.

  Sighing, her hand drifted from her stomach to the covers. She was an idiot. Braydon was such a nice guy and she’d hurt him. Maybe she was unlovable. Not that she couldn’t be loved, but rather, she rejected love in order to continue swimming against the current—alone.

  She was so desolate. And tired. Even when she was married to Kevin she’d been swimming alone. Dragging someone against the current with her was simply exhausting.

  * * * *

  Braydon awoke in Colin’s bed to the smell of poop. Scrunching his nose he turned and found his nephew, Liam, smiling at him as Colin changed his diaper on the bed beside his head.

  “Jesus, Colin, did you have to do that five inches from my face?”

  “You’re in my room.”

  “That’s no excuse.”

  “Hi, Unca Bray!”

  “Hi, Liam. Shouldn’t you be potty trained by now?”

  “He doesn’t like to poop on the potty.”

  Bray raised an eyebrow. “You’d rather sit in it?”

  “I can’t want that,” Liam said.

  “Can’t want what, poop in your diaper?”

  “I can’t want that,” his nephew repeated.

  “Okay, buddy, you’re all set. Go see what your mom’s doing.”

  Liam toddled out of the room and Colin faced him after wiping his hands down with a wet nap. “So why are you in here?”

  “Becca and I had a fight.”

  “I figured. The friend, Carla I think, said they might be leaving today.”

  He sat up. “What? No they’re not.”

  “That’s what she said when I talked to her.”

  “When did you see her?”

  “She was having coffee on the porch. She doesn’t seem like quite the morning person, so maybe she was just grumbling while the caffeine kicked in.”

  “Shit.”

  “What did you fight about?”

  Scrubbing his hands over his face he groaned. “I don’t even know. We were having a great time and then I blurted out something stupid without thinking. The next thing I know, we’re having an argument about why she doesn’t want children.”

  Colin’s brows shot up. “How do you feel about that?”

  “I don’t know. Since when do you have to decide that when you’re only dating someone?”

  “Probably around the same time you realize you can’t imagine your future without that someone.”

  He hated asking questions about the time his brother betrayed him, but his curiosity got the better of him. “Did you know that you wanted children when you and Samantha…”

  “We’re different. When Sammy and I…you know…I wasn’t clear on anything I wanted. I thought I still wanted to join the priesthood, but then I couldn’t do that either. I couldn’t picture my life without her.”

  “But you decided to marry her after you found out about Lula.”

  “No, I decided to marry her the moment I watched her leave. I just didn’t know how to go about fixing the mess that was suddenly my life. Tallulah was a bonus.”

  “Maybe we should go home and cool off. She was so pissed off last night. She wasn’t listening to reason.”

  “Bray, no woman’s ever rational when they’re in love. There’s a lot of emotion and things way above our heads going on in theirs. I can tell you one thing though, from experience.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Don’t be the idiot I was. Don’t let her leave.”

  “What if she wants to go and I can’t stop her?”

  “Make her want to stay.” Colin stood and grabbed the wrapped up diaper off the dresser. “Good luck, man.”

  Braydon lay in bed a while after his brother le
ft. The house sounded busy downstairs and he was reluctant to join the others without first talking to Becca.

  He washed up in the bathroom and knocked on the door leading to his room. “Becca?”

  “Come in.”

  He pressed into his room and stilled at the sight of her refolding the clothes in her suitcase. “What are you doing?”

  Her shoulders lowered and she visibly deflated. “I don’t know.”

  “Can we talk?”

  She huffed. “Sure.”

  She wouldn’t meet his eyes. He approached the bed and took the shirt she was folding out of her hands and placed it on the suitcase. “I’m sorry about last night. I should’ve remembered to use a condom and I had no right interrogating you about having children.”

  “I may have overreacted,” she said quietly. “I have some unresolved issues I need to work out. It wasn’t your fault I got so upset.”

  “If you’re thinking of leaving, please don’t. I want you to stay.”

  She sighed and sat beside him on the bed. “Braydon, I think we want different things in life.”

  His eyes closed. What was it with this place? Every time he brought a girl home they broke up with him. He glanced to the exact place Samantha had been standing when she’d said almost those same words. “I don’t want to break up.”

  “Neither do I, but what happens in a few years when you want to start a family and I can’t give you one? I’m not even sure if I want to get married again. Marriage is hard and I’m tired.”

  “You’re always tired.” Her head jerked back. Shit, he attempted to retract his words, but it was too late. “Becca, I—”

  “I’m always tired for good reason, Braydon. Look, I don’t want to fight. I barely slept last night, I miss my son, and I don’t have the answers you’re looking for.”

  “I’m not looking for answers. I’m just looking for you.”

  Purple crests marked the delicate skin under her tired eyes. “You deserve more than I can offer.”