The Italian Doctor's Perfect Family

by Alison Roberts

  So he had no right to feel rejected because Pip was putting Alice’s needs ahead of his own, had he?

  Or to feel resentful of Alice. To feel that she was knowingly depriving him of what he most wanted.

  A family.

  She wasn’t even prepared to acknowledge her mother at the moment. She had no idea how lucky she was to have someone who loved her that much. Someone who was prepared to sacrifice something as important as a relationship with a lover to make things better for her child.

  Toni scrubbed his hands at the basin in the treatment room while the nurse jiggled baby Emily, who was grizzling loudly in the wake of her mother’s disappearance.

  ‘Could you poke your head out the door, please?’ Toni asked. ‘See if Mandy or someone is free to help us for a minute. We’ll need two people to keep Emily still enough.’

  He dried his hands and tried to shake off the downward spiral of his spirits that had begun yet again by thinking about Pip and Alice, but day by day a negative interpretation of their current situation seemed to become more prominent and there didn’t seem to be anything he could do about it.

  Toni couldn’t take the first step, no matter how much he might want to. He couldn’t force his way back into Pip’s life. What would be the point? She had to want him.

  If Pip felt anything like the same level of emotion he did, she would find it impossible to exclude him, no matter how powerful the bond with her child was. He could have helped to find another way through this impasse but he hadn’t even been given the opportunity. As each day had passed, the feeling of being less than significant in Pip’s life had increased.

  And something even more negative than the sensation of rejection had blossomed. Betrayal. The kind of betrayal he had sworn never to make himself vulnerable to again. For the first time in his adult life Toni had totally trusted a woman. Had given himself heart and soul. He was missing Pip terribly. A dozen times he had picked up his phone, intending to call or text. Compelled to jump over that boundary line and find out if she was all right and whether there was any way he could help. Each time, something had stopped him.

  And he knew exactly what it was.

  The echo of her vehemence in assuring Alice that she had no intention of marrying him or having his babies refused to fade. If anything, it got louder every time it clawed its way back into his head.

  ‘It’s not going to happen,’ she’d said.

  It’s not going to happen.

  Surely Pip would realise the interpretation he could have put on those words? The damage they could have done? Toni was quite prepared to believe the more positive spin of it being a promise to include Alice in their lives, and even the smallest gesture on Pip’s part would have been enough to make him feel wanted and repair the damage. Just a phone call. Even a text. Just…contact.

  There hadn’t been any.

  This was the fourth day since Alice had confronted Pip with those awful accusations of being less than a real mother. Shona had been discharged the next day and must be doing well enough for Pip to continue working because he’d seen her car in the car park on more than one occasion. Probably because he’d been looking for it.

  Mandy came into the room as Toni snapped on some gloves. ‘Thanks, Mandy. We’ve just got a suprapubic aspiration to do on Emily for a urine sample. Shouldn’t take long.’ He leaned over the baby as the nurses positioned her on the table, keeping her body and legs as still as possible.

  Toni swabbed the crease in the skin above the symphysis pubis with an alcohol wipe. He inserted the fine, 23-gauge needle to its full length and then drew it back, aspirating with the attached 2-ml syringe at the same time. Urine flowed into the barrel of the syringe almost immediately, and by the time Emily had gathered enough lung power to express her outrage, the procedure was virtually completed.

  ‘Looks pretty cloudy,’ Toni commented. ‘I’d like a result back on this as soon as possible.’

  ‘I’ll take her back to Mum,’ Mandy offered, scooping the baby up for a cuddle. ‘It’s the only thing that’s going to cheer you up, isn’t it, button?’

  Toni dropped his gloves into the bin. The only thing that would cheer him up would be time with Pip and finding out that she did want a future with him. A family. But that obviously wasn’t going to happen in a hurry, was it?

  Maybe it would never happen.

  It was no wonder they said that timing was everything. If Shona hadn’t become ill when she had, things would be very different. None of those wounding words would have been uttered. It had been cool for Pip to have a boyfriend until the prospect of losing the head of their small family had been revealed. Alice could have shared a ‘sister’ but not a mother. And why should she? Her need for Pip’s love and attention was much greater than Toni’s.

  It just didn’t feel like that.

  ‘Heaven’s above, what’s all that commotion?’

  ‘It’s all right, Mrs Evans. Try and keep still while I get this dressing in place.’ The frightened twitch had been enough for paper-thin skin to slough away from the raw flesh Pip had been trying to re-cover.

  ‘But the noise!’

  There certainly was something happening in the corridor near the cubicle Mrs Evans was occupying. It sounded like a busload of children had been deposited around the waiting area for the emergency department, except they sounded far too happy to be unwell or injured.

  ‘I’ll go and see what it is in a minute. There…’ Pip smoothed the wrinkles from the skin flap and reached for a dressing to hold it in place. ‘You’ll have to be careful of this for a while.’

  ‘Oh, I know, dear.’ Mrs Evans sighed wheezily. ‘It’s such a curse, having skin that tears like this. I barely touched that cabinet door.’

  ‘It’s the medication you’re on that makes it like that. You’ve been using steroids for your breathing problems for a long time, haven’t you?”

  ‘I have a terrible chest,’ Mrs Evans agreed. ‘I was trying to get my puffer when I knocked my arm. Never seen so much blood! I had to call an ambulance.’

  ‘How’s your breathing feeling at the moment?”

  ‘Terrible! I’m as tight as a drum.’

  ‘I’ll have a listen to your chest.’ Pip wound a crêpe bandage over the dressing to avoid having to use anything sticky on her elderly patient’s fragile skin.

  The noise in the corridor had subsided but started again as Pip was trying to sort out the significance of the various wheezes and crackles she could hear in Mrs Evans’s lungs. She hooked her stethoscope around her neck and slipped through the curtains to see what was going on.

  The sight made her smile and it felt like the first time her lips had moved in such a direction for many days.

  A procession of children in bright costumes was coming back through the double doors that led to the main reception and waiting area. They carried bags and were shouting ‘Trick or treat’ at regular intervals. They were obviously paediatric inpatients as a lot of staff were accompanying them and some of the children were in wheelchairs or being carried. One was in a bed decorated to look like a rowing boat and the child was waving a set of cardboard oars. He was being pushed by a pirate.

  A large pirate with a jaunty hat and a patch over one eye, who was laughing as he tried to cope with other children who wanted to be so close they were making the task of pushing the boat somewhat hazardous. Pip recognised him well before she heard him say, ‘Shiver me timbers,’ in that delicious accent and she had to catch her breath as she watched.

  He looked to be completely in his element. Surrounded by children and enjoying every moment of it. Shona had been right, hadn’t she? Toni would want to have his own children and he should have them. A whole tribe of them. He’d be the most amazing father.

  Did he look this happy because of his small companions or was there something else that could be contributing? The fact that she was allowing him his freedom perhaps? The chance to quietly distance himself from the baggage and inadequacy she brought with h
er and find someone else who would be far better mother material for his own children? He looked so much happier than Pip thought she could ever feel again.

  Toni must have felt her stare because he looked in her direction and her heart twisted painfully at the way his smile faded so rapidly. The way his face emptied of that happiness cut into her like a knife. Only a week ago, seeing her would have had the opposite effect on his features. Pip hadn’t seen him for days now. She’d been hoping he would come down to Emergency or at least ring her.

  It was proving a lot more difficult than she’d imagined, sticking to her resolve of putting Alice first and giving Toni the opportunity to escape the dramas her family situation represented. She missed him desperately and had to remind herself repeatedly that putting her own wishes first would be reinforcing Alice’s impression of her selfishness. If she made any move to contact Toni it would be the thin edge of a wedge she would never be able to control. An admission of defeat. But if he contacted her, it would be different. Pip wasn’t quite sure of her reasoning, she just knew it could somehow be justified. That if he thought enough of her to put up with the kind of stress her family represented, the chance of a future together would be virtually guaranteed.

  He hadn’t rung. Pip hadn’t even received a text message to ask how she was.

  ‘What’s going on, dear?’ Mrs Evans sounded querulous.

  ‘It’s Hallowe’en,’ Pip said over her shoulder. ‘The children’s ward is having a procession. They’re all dressed up.’

  ‘Lot of nonsense,’ Mrs Evans pronounced. ‘And they’re far too noisy. There are sick people in here.’ She coughed, as if to prove her point.

  ‘Mmm.’ Pip was waiting until the procession passed her. If Toni glanced her way again, she was going to smile. To say hello. Maybe even suggest they meet for a coffee. It was too hard, this staying away from him. There had to be a way to work something out that wouldn’t undermine the repair work she was trying to accomplish with her daughter.

  ‘Trick or treat!’ a small fairy said.

  ‘Sorry, hon, I haven’t got anything I can give you.’

  Toni and the boat were almost level with her now, a large island in a slow-moving sea of small children.

  ‘Hey,’ Pip called softly. ‘You look like you’re having a good time.’

  ‘We are indeed.’ Toni’s return smile was brief. Detached. It had less warmth than a new patient would receive. Pip knew that because she’d seen that kind of introductory smile. She’d also seen the kind of smile he gave someone he loved and this one couldn’t be less like it. ‘How are you, Pippa?’

  ‘I’m fine.’ Such an automatic response but to say anything else would barely give lip service to the tip of the iceberg that had undermined Pip’s life to such an overwhelming extent. A stressful job. A hostile daughter. A potentially broken relationship…a dying mother.

  ‘Good.’ The word was clipped. Part of an exchange that was going to be fleeting because the forward movement of the procession had not ceased. Fleeting—and painful. The few seconds of eye contact so far had been searing.

  ‘And your mother? How is she?’

  ‘Doing well.’ For now. ‘We’ve got her insulin levels under control.’

  Toni’s nod was as brief as his smile had been. ‘And Alice?’

  ‘Still not talking to me.’ Pip had to blink quickly. Tears she had been holding back successfully for days were alarmingly close. ‘And you? How are you, Toni?’ The words were rushed. A desperate attempt to keep a line of communication open. They were too formal. Totally inadequate.

  ‘Oh, I’m fine, too.’ Toni broke the eye contact, turning his head. ‘You OK, Jodi? Keeping up? Want a ride on the boat, cara?’

  Pip’s gaze followed his to the girl pushing the oxygen cylinder, who did look out of breath. Then it slid further. How many more children would need to be waited for? How much longer would Toni be this close? Was she going to have a chance to say anything else? But what could she say?

  A nurse carrying a small tiger was bringing up the rear of the procession but Pip’s eye was caught by the figure right behind the nurse.

  Alice. Arriving, as arranged, for her lift home after school.

  Looking as sullen and uncommunicative as she had for the last four days. She was staring at the unusual spectacle in the corridor ahead of her and seemed to be focused on the pirate. Had she recognised Toni? Had she seen Pip and guessed that she was talking to him?

  Suddenly her daughter’s expression didn’t strike Pip as being sullen. It was more like being desperately unhappy. When she caught her gaze, Pip smiled and waved.

  Toni turned his head as though wanting to see what had caught her attention. Then he shoved the bed onwards.

  ‘Good to see you, Pippa,’ he said, without turning his head.

  And then he was gone.

  Pip went back to her patient. Alice knew the way to the staffroom and would be engrossed in her homework by the time Pip went to collect her. The distraction of treating a patient was exactly what Pip needed right now. Alice’s timing had been perfect, hadn’t it? Especially just after her realisation that Toni should have his own children—with a mother who was a lot more capable of parenting than she was. Maybe their relationship would have foundered without the crisis in her family. Maybe Alice had done them all a favour with her pre-emptive strike.

  Wishing things could be different was a waste of emotional energy and Pip was tired enough to realise her store was not inexhaustible. What strength she did have had to be reserved for her mother and her daughter. She wasn’t going to let either of them down, no matter how hard it was.

  ‘I haven’t seen Toni for days,’ Shona remarked. ‘Must be almost a week. And you’ve been home every evening you’re not working, Pip. What’s going on?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Philippa!’ It was exactly the tone Pip adopted with Alice when she knew the answer was way less than truthful.

  Pip let out a resigned breath. ‘I’m not seeing him just at the moment.’

  ‘Why on earth not?’

  ‘I need to show Alice she’s more important than a boyfriend, I guess.’

  ‘Is that what all these “no-speaks” are about? I thought it was just that shoplifting business.’

  ‘I’m talking to Alice. She’s the one who’s not speaking.’ Pip started clearing the table. ‘At least she’s not avoiding you any more, Mum.’

  ‘Quite the opposite. She’s gone all clingy. She’ll be waiting for me now in the living room, I expect, wanting to show me all her homework.’

  ‘Are you up to it? You don’t want an early night?’

  ‘I’m fine. I want to make sure she’s all right. I thought she was looking a bit pale, didn’t you?’

  ‘She’s been looking like that for days. Unhappy.’

  ‘She hardly touched her dinner.’

  ‘No. Maybe she didn’t like it. Ask her if she wants a sandwich.’ Pip smiled at her mother. ‘How are you feeling, anyway? You’re actually looking a bit brighter.’

  ‘I’m feeling a lot better. And I intend to make the most of every moment I have left with my family, you know. Sleeping’s a waste of time.’ She was watching Pip rinse the plates. ‘And you shouldn’t waste time either. You should talk to Toni and patch things up. You can’t let him think he’s not important. Unless you’ve changed your mind about him.’

  ‘No, I haven’t changed my mind. I still love him. But I think it might be too late. I think he might be relieved to be away from me.’ Pip sighed heavily. ‘And it hasn’t really helped with Alice. I don’t seem to be able to the right thing whichever way I turn.’

  ‘Welcome to parenthood.’ Shona smiled wryly. ‘Seriously, though, love—you can’t put what Alice wants above what’s going to make you happy. Self-sacrifice never works in the long term. It just builds resentment. It’s a ticking bomb.’

  ‘Look who’s talking! How much did you give up to help me raise Alice?’

  ‘It wasn’t pu
rely altruistic, as you well know. I did it because it made me happy. It gave me a reason to carry on after Dad died and…and maybe it wasn’t the right thing to do.’ Shona pushed her chair back, got slowly to her feet and went to hug her daughter. ‘Maybe it’s my fault that things are difficult between you two at present, with neither of you having the kind of relationship you should have had.’

  ‘Don’t say that, Mum.’ Pip hugged her mother back, hating how thin Shona was now. ‘It worked. It was a wonderful thing to do and I love you for it. And Alice adores you.’

  ‘Yes. I’ve had something not many grandmothers are blessed with, that’s for sure.’

  ‘It’s just the wrong time to let someone else into my life.’

  ‘No.’ Shona almost pushed Pip away so that she could see her face. ‘It’s the perfect time. You can’t give up on it just because Alice is disgruntled. On top of everything else, she’s a teenager almost. She’ll get over herself eventually. She loves you, Pip. She wants you to be happy.’ Shona’s smile was amused now. ‘She just doesn’t realise it yet.’

  ‘But I can’t give Toni what he wants anyway. It would never work.’

  ‘Why not? What is it that you can’t give him?’

  ‘Children. A family.’

  ‘What’s Alice, then? Chopped liver?’

  ‘You know what I mean. You said it yourself. He’ll want his own children and I can’t give him that.’

  ‘Are you sure about that?’

  What was Shona asking? Pip wondered. Whether she might change her mind about having more children? Or whether she was sure that that was what Toni wanted in his future? How could she be so sure when they hadn’t even talked about it? Hadn’t talked about anything at all in days.

  Pip had to close her eyes and take a deep breath to deal with the wave of misery that came with the strength of missing Toni this much.

  ‘I guess I’m not totally sure,’ she admitted finally.

  ‘Then talk to Toni,’ Shona said. ‘Always talk about everything, love. It always worked for your father and me and it’s the best advice I can pass on. Not talking will make a mountain out of a molehill every time.’