“It was fun, but I don’t think Mike is my type. Too bad though ‘cause he’s hot.”
Luke rolled his eyes at his sister and began to walk away.
“Luke, can we talk?”
“Sure, what about?”
“Sex.”
Sex?! What the hell?!
Kristen stood there, laughing to herself, as she watched Luke sweat. This will teach him for checking up on me. “I’m kidding, Luke. Mom and I already had ‘the talk’ and the ‘period talk’ too.”
Periods, sex, boys! “Kristen, would you mind if I grabbed a drink first?”
“Luke, you always wear a condom right?” Kristen couldn’t help herself. Now she was laughing out loud.
Fuck me! My little sister is not supposed to know about this stuff. What the hell did my mom tell her?!
“Actually, I want to talk about mom,” Luke turned around towards Kristen. “Let’s go upstairs to my room, okay?”
Luke followed Kristen up the stairs curious about what she wanted to talk about. Luke sat down in the office chair across the room from his sister.
“Why do you think Mom left us?” Kristen asked.
“You know she didn’t leave us. I mean, she didn’t choose to leave us,” Luke said.
“I know, but why do think she died so soon?”
“I don’t know, Kristen. I can’t answer that.”
“Do you think she’s the one that brought Ally here?”
Where is she going with this?
“What I mean is, her and dad have a special connection.”
“And?” Luke said as he wondered about them. Did they?
“Julia thinks she is the best thing since sliced bread, and you…” Kristen trailed off.
“What about me?” Here comes the big pep talk.
Kristen sighed. “Come on, Luke. I’m not stupid. I see the way you look at her. There is like an energy between the two of you. Do you think Mom sent her to help us with our grieving?”
“We’ve come a long way since Mom died.”
“I know, but look at this morning. Look at how easy and fun breakfast was.”
Luke nodded. “I don’t know, kid. I agree breakfast was fun this morning. I don’t remember laughing so much.”
“Have you gone and talked to anyone about Mom’s death?”
Not this shit again. “No, I don’t think I need to.”
“Really? Come on. You sold your condo to come live with Dad and me. Mom died over a year ago. Why are you still here?” Kristen couldn’t help but ask.
Breathe, Luke, breathe.
“I’m here because I love you, and I’m here to watch you grow into a beautiful butterfly.”
“Cut the shit, Luke.”
Cut the shit, Luke? Luke looked at Kristen.
“You need to talk to someone. What about your friend, Brian? Isn’t he the grief counselor for the high school on Marilyn?”
Luke hesitated. “I know how to deal with my feelings.”
“You sure do…that’s why you are living in our basement,” Kristen said sarcastically.
“Kristen…” Luke paused. You’re treading on thin ice here.
“Look, all I’m saying is that I think Mom sent her here to help you…to help us.”
Luke gave his sister a funny look.
“Don’t mess it up, Luke, because I really like her. I can talk and joke with her like I used to with Mom.” Then, Kristen’s voice dropped to a whisper, “I miss her.”
“I do, too,” Luke confessed, standing up to hug Kristen. “You had better get some sleep. I’m glad you had a good time tonight. Anytime you want to talk…”
“I know. Anything except about sex right?” Kristen smiled.
Oh God.
As Luke got into bed, he thought about how smart and wonderful his baby sister had become in this past year. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I should go and talk to someone.
The next morning Luke called Brian to see if they could talk over breakfast.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
As Luke was pulling up to the restaurant, he couldn’t believe how his hands were sweating and how nervous he was.
When he entered the restaurant, he was glad that Brian was already seated and waiting for him; otherwise, he would have left.
“Hey, man,” Brian greeted Luke.
“Morning, Brian.”
“To what do I owe the pleasure of you buying me breakfast this morning?”
“Actually, I called you because Kristen thinks that I need to talk with someone about my mom’s death.”
“Do you feel the same way?” Brian asked curiously.
“Honestly, I’m not sure.”
There was a bit of silence between them as the waitress came and took their drink order.
Brian glanced at Luke and thought to himself, Finally.
“What do you want me to tell you, Luke?”
“That’s the thing. I’m not sure.”
“What do you mean?”
“I guess that I’ve just pushed my feelings aside, so I can help my dad with the company, Julia with her wedding, and Kristen…just to see her grow up.”
“I see.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, Brian?” Why do I sound so pissy?
“What I mean is your grief is unique. No one grieves in exactly the same way, Luke. People experience grief by what influences them, like their relationship with their parents, circumstances surrounding the death, emotional support system, cultural or religious backgrounds.”
Luke sat there quietly and fidgeted with his hands while he listened to Brian.
“There are five stages to grief: sadness, relief, anger, guilt and letting go…moving on with life. One might not grieve in this order, but they all go through it one way or another. Some go quickly through these steps, and some take a long time.”
Just as Brian finished his last sentence, the waitress came up with their drinks and took their orders.
“Geez, Luke, you still eat like your in high school.”
“If it’s not broken, why fix it?”
“Touché, my friend.”
Luke took a long sip of his coffee while Brian put cream and sugar in his.
As Luke drank his coffee, he asked, “How am I expected to feel?”
“Well…when a mother or father dies, that bond is broken, torn even. In response to your loss, you might feel a variety of different emotions, like the ones I said earlier. Luke, no one can tell you how to feel or the right way to heal.” Brian explained.
Quietly, they ate their breakfast.
Brian started the conversation again. “Sadness is what you felt when your mom died. Even at our age, you might be surprised at the overwhelming depth of feelings. Luke, you need to allow yourself to feel sad and embrace your pain.”
Luke stopped eating and looked at Brian as he continued.
“Relief is usually when a parent was sick before the death. You probably felt relief when she passed because it was hard knowing how she was suffering. It doesn’t mean that you didn’t love your mom. In fact, your relief at the end of the suffering is a natural outgrowth of love.”
“Brian, of course, I was sad when my mom died. In fact, in some ways, I was devastated. She was my secret keeper and my greatest support person.”
“That’s not what I was saying. What I meant was that it is okay to let other people see this. Have you talked to your dad about this?”
“No.”
“Why not?” Brian asked.
“At the time, my dad needed someone to be strong for him.”
“What about now?”
Luke sat there and was not sure what to think.
“At the end of the day, he is still your dad, and he’s been giving you time to sort out your feelings, Luke.”
What are you talking about, Brian? “How do you know?” Luke asked, confused about how Brian seemed to know so much about his dad’s feelings.
“Since your mom was first diagnosed, your father and I met once a
week over drinks.”
Luke just stared at Brian.
“Anger is when you put your anger toward the person that died. One might find that he or she is angry because a loving relationship in their life has been prematurely ended. Guilt, which by the way is something I think you carry the most of because you were not there. You might have wished you said things differently, spent more time with her, think you didn’t say enough, or regret not getting to say goodbye, in your case. I’m sure that is what is burdening you the most. Luke, your mom knew that you loved her more than anything. She knew you were helping your dad. Your mom would never have been upset that you weren’t there to say goodbye,” Brian explained.
Luke whispered, “Where do I go from here? Sometimes I feel so lost.”
“I think now we are getting somewhere. Would this be why you haven’t chosen a new place to live?”
“I already told you that I found—”
Brian interrupted. “I know what you told me. Luke, it’s okay; each person needs to take his own time. You need to recognize that your mom’s death has the same amount of impact on the entire family. You alone don’t need to carry this burden. You need to share how you feel.”
“What do I say to my dad?”
“The death of a spouse means different things to the surviving spouse than it does to you. This does not mean that you are necessarily responsible for the living parent. In fact, to heal, you must first and foremost meet your own grief needs. You, as the child, can still be patient and compassionate as you continue your relationship with your dad.”
“Geez, Brian. How did you get so smart and girly?” Luke said with a smirk.
“Very funny.”
“Thanks for listening.”
“Luke, please realize that your dad has almost gone through each of these steps. He’s healed enough to help you with your grief. Don’t be afraid to ask. Support is the number one thing that you need to help yourself. Your dad said that he couldn’t have asked for better support from you, and he wishes that he could give you the same in return.”
Luke started to get up to pay the bill when Brian held his arm.
“I have this poster in my office that says ‘A person that loses a partner is called a widow. A child who loses a parent is called an orphan. But, there is no word to describe a parent that loses a child because that is a loss like no other.’” Brian paused.
Luke gave Brian a funny look.
“It just means that the feeling of loss is normal, the feeling of pain is normal, and feeling like it’s time to move on is okay.”
With that, Luke left to go to the cottage.
***
The next morning I woke up early and felt better then I had in a long time. I was happy that I talked with George the night before. It felt freeing to get some feelings off my chest. I was happy that George welcomed me into his home with his family. It also felt good that I didn’t feel like they were taking in a stray anymore.
I headed down to the kitchen and started making muffins as a thank you. When the last batch of blueberry muffins was coming out of the oven, Kristen came barrelling into the kitchen.
“Kristen, put that muffin down and tell me all about your date last night,” I demanded excitedly.
Laughing, Kristen hid the muffin. “How did you know it was me? I could have been Luke.”
“Don’t you know that I have eyes in the back of my head?”
“No, but I’m going to remember that.”
“I know that I’ve only been here for two days, but you have a signature walk and a springy step, your dad smells like Stetson cologne, and Luke is a heavy walker.”
“Wow, you sure do pay attention.”
“That’s my job—to know what everyone is doing,” I said with a smile.
Before I realized what I was saying, George walked into the kitchen.
“Mmm, smells like blueberry muffins!” George said.
I was happy that George and Kristen started talking about blueberry muffins and how I was spoiling them. I looked at them and smiled, hoping that Kristen didn’t catch on to what I had just said.
George handed me a cup of coffee. “What are you girls talking about?”
“Well, I was just getting your daughter to spill the beans about her date last night.”
“Date? I thought that you were going out with friends bowling.”
“Well, she was. Mike just picked her up, and I might add that he’s super cute.” I winked at Kristen.
“It went well; bowling is fun. I haven’t laughed that much in a long time. It’s so funny when boys go all competition-like. I was home by eleven. Mike was polite, bought me popcorn, and held the doors open for me. He even walked me to the door at the end of the night.”
“And?” I inquired.
“And nothing. Sure, he’s hot, but I don’t think we’ll ever date. He’s just not my type.”
“Phew!” George sighed.
Drinking the last of his coffee, he asked me what my plans were for the day.
“Well, since the Gala is on Saturday, I thought I’d do some research on lighting, shadows, and colors. Julia is sending over some of last year’s pictures and this year’s invitations. We decided to put together a little album to thank everyone for donating. Then, this afternoon I thought I’d go dress shopping,” I explained.
“Great! I’ll come with you.” Kristen took out her phone and started texting. “Julia said she’d meet us here at four, and we can all go together. The dress shop should be done with our alterations, so we can pick up our dresses, and you can look for one there. They have the new Vera Wang collection in.”
“Then, that’s settled. I’ll see you at four,” I said, smiling.
George and Kristen left, and the house became quiet again. I cleaned up the kitchen and went upstairs to brush my teeth, do my hair, and throw on a bit of makeup.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I took off my shoes as I walked the grounds near the pond. I was trying to decide where to place light stands, snapping pictures of the trees, leaves, and fish in the pond. The warm sun felt delightful. I decided to lie down in the grass and soak up some sun.
What is she doing out here—just lying in the grass with her eyes closed? Is she breathing? I don’t see her chest moving. Alyson…I can’t run fast enough.
“What are you doing out here?” a rough male voice asked.
Startled, I quickly explained, “George said that I could make myself at home. I was just planning on how I wanted to set up my lighting.”
As I was kneeling, getting ready to stand, I glanced up and realized it was Luke. I looked him in the eyes and noticed his heavy breathing.
“I’m sorry, Luke. I didn’t mean for you to get upset.”
Luke held out his hand to help her up.
“I’m the one that needs to apologize. I just saw you lying here, and I didn’t see your chest moving…” Luke paused. “Not that I was looking at your chest or anything.”
While laughing, I said, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I just didn’t sleep well again last night, and I’m a shallow breather.”
Luke looked as me as if he was reading my thoughts.
“Is something bothering you? I’ll listen if you want to talk about it,” he offered.
I looked at Luke, wondering, Why does this man make my panties wet every time I see him?
“No, thanks. I think that everything will be okay.” I gave Luke a big smile. “Just one day at a time.”
“Are you finished here?” Luke bent over to pick up her camera off the grass.
I tilted my head a bit to the side, thinking, Do you have any clue how nice your ass looks? I just want to run my hands all over it.
“I take it you haven’t had lunch yet. Would you care to join me? I make a mean sandwich,” Luke suggested.
Crap, what did he say? “Huh?”
“Lunch. Did you eat lunch yet?”
“That would be nice, thank you.” I said with a smile.
; Walking back to the house, Luke was eager to grab and hold her hand. He started to reach for it, but then pulled away, thinking it wasn’t a good idea.
Why am I so nervous to have lunch with this man? Look at him, silly. It’s because he’s so yummy looking.
I could tell that Luke was thinking about holding my hand. It made me smile.
As Luke was pulling things out of the fridge to make sandwiches, he asked, “What is your favorite sandwich?”
“Tuna, but ya’ gotta add grated cheese to the mixture.”
“Tuna, it is.”
I walked to the pantry, but then Luke stopped me.
“I said that I was making lunch. Sit your pretty bum down. What can I get you to drink?”
“Iced tea, please.”
I enjoyed watching Luke make lunch. He was very messy at it, and it took him forever to do. “Are you sure you can handle this big project on your own?” I joked with him.
“Yes. Why? Does it look like I don’t?” Luke looked around. “Don’t answer that.”
“Speaking of big projects, why are you not at work today?” I asked.
“I had a breakfast meeting. Speaking of breakfast, Kristen texted me that I missed out on some pretty good blueberry muffins.”
“There are some in the microwave. If you finish your lunch, you can have one afterward,” I said jokingly.
Luke nodded his head and smiled. “Gee, thanks. I needed to come home and change, so I thought I’d grab lunch before I headed back. I couldn’t find you in the house, so I thought I’d look for you outside.” Oh God, now she’s going to think that I’m stalking her now.
“Well, I’m glad you did,” I admitted.
Luke looked up and said, “Me, too.”
While we ate lunch, we had a light conversation about the weather and the Gala.
“What are your plans for the rest of the afternoon? If you’re not doing much, why don’t you come to the office? I can show you around a bit and explain what my dad’s company does. Also, I’m sure Julia would love you see you,” Luke said.
“Actually, Luke, Julia and Kristen will be here at four o’clock. We are going dress shopping for the Gala. Your sisters already have their dresses. They’re just picking them up, and I’m going to pick out a dress while we’re there.”
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