The Devious Book for Cats

by Joe Garden

  Egypt: The Land We Once Ruled

  Felines have influenced countless religions and societies throughout the ages. The pages of history are rife with displays of gratitude from those who benefited from their generous wisdom. Nowhere is this more evident than in Egypt, a kingdom that produced its greatest triumphs when ruled by cats.

  Egyptian civilization was plagued with hordes of grain-stealing rats, and early attempts to control them were largely unsuccessful.

  Early Egyptian Mousetrap

  To make matters worse, cobras were swarming the kingdom. Egyptians eventually realized that no amount of social pressure would stop them from biting people.

  The Egyptians finally turned to cats for help.

  Being well acquainted with both adversaries, cats quickly began to kill rats and send snakes packing. As word spread of their amazing success and obvious intelligence, cats were invited to join the human population in ever-growing numbers.

  Reverence soon followed acceptance and cats began to be worshipped, rising to the highest levels of Egyptian religion. Artisans who fashioned sculptures and amulets of Bast, a goddess who was originally thought to have looked like a crabby, scary-breasted lion that walked on two legs, changed their rendering. After being suitably impressed by the actions and deeds of cats, they began depicting Bast as a dignified tabby, reflecting grace and poise.

  EEEEK!

  Better

  As a result of their ascension, cats also began to attain prestigious political positions. Ruling cats lived in lavish palaces, and the killing of any feline became a capital offense. Archaeologists have uncovered many pieces of Egyptian artwork that chronicle the everyday life of a ruling cat.

  Ruling cats kept humans called pharaohs as advisers. Together cats and pharaohs ushered in cultural achievements of lasting significance.

  THE PYRAMIDS

  Meo-ow-tep was the first of many great cat rulers to build a pyramid. The plan was to build the greatest perch the world had ever seen. Meo-ow-tep saw such a perch during a vision. It was in the form of a pyramid, and the biggest cat in the world rested on top.

  A pyramid was an ideal shape to represent the perfect perch. At the top there was room for only one cat to sit. There could be no better vantage point to survey all that had been conquered than from the apex of a grand pyramid.

  Meo-ow-tep’s Vision

  Unfortunately Meo-ow-tep’s vision was never realized. Human error, insubordination, and general laziness all conspired to undermine the project. The pyramids of subsequent cat rulers tragically found the same fate, with the pharaohs unable to execute the elegant plans of their cat rulers. However, even the unfinished pyramids stand as testament to the abilities of those like Meo-ow-tep, who conceived of them.

  THE SPHINX

  It is unknown precisely which cat ruler built a massive Sphinx guarding the pyramids at Giza. Most archaeologists attribute it to Scramses, who had a pharaoh named Khafre. The Sphinx is a giant cat-body carving, over 200 feet long and 65 feet high, with paws measuring 50 feet in length. Like many cat rulers who undertook such massive projects, Scramses did not live to see its completion, and it is widely thought that Khafre must have finished supervising the construction, heretically substituting his own face for that of Scramses on the head of the Sphinx.

  MUMMIFICATION

  The practice of wrapping a body in strips of linen was first introduced to the Egyptians by cats. Legend has it that when a cat was observed transforming itself into a mummy, humans sought to honor it by adopting the practice for their own burial rituals.

  Many cat rulers had themselves permanently mummified for their eternal nap, occasionally allowing a decent pharaoh to be buried alongside them.

  The ancient Egyptian empire eventually crumbled. Most historians attribute its downfall to the last cat ruler, Cleocatra, who grew bored and ran off, taking all the cats in Egypt with her. Snakes slithered back in with the blowing sands of time, patiently waiting for George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to create Raiders of the Lost Ark.

  The Window

  Many an hour can be spent zoning out in front of the glass, and why not? With hours of high-quality programming, watching the window is the perfect way to unwind after a long, hard day. If you are one of those pretentious cats who has a window but never watches it, you’re missing out. The window allows you to see all the excitement and drama of the outdoors while enjoying the warmth and dryness of the indoors. Every day brings new episodes, and with up to three channels to choose from—Front, Back, and Side—it’s easy to see what else is on by running to another window.

  Here’s what is on the window today.

  6:00 A.M. Garbage Day: The Series

  In this episode, first the trash, then the recyclables disappear.

  * * *

  6:30 A.M. Macy’s Jogger Parade

  This holiday special features a stream of humans wearing tracksuits they got at Macy’s.

  * * *

  7:00 A.M. The Sun

  It’s an all-day Sun marathon, with episodes running from 7:00 in the morning to 6:00 at night. Who will catch the rays of…the Sun?

  * * *

  8:00 A.M. The Actual Today Show

  Wake up with your favorite morning news program. The paperboy is interviewed by a mean neighbor across the street.

  * * *

  8:30 A.M. Stop Sign

  Rerun.

  * * *

  9:00 A.M. The Feeder

  The high drama builds in this episode when a haughty blue jay comes in and chases young lover sparrows away.

  * * *

  9:30 A.M. Take It to the Judge: Traffic Stops

  On this crime procedural, a speeder makes a spirited defense, but the cop doesn’t want to hear it and writes a ticket.

  * * *

  10:00 A.M. The Sun

  The marathon continues, and the Sun is a little higher now.

  * * *

  10:30 A.M. The Bird Family

  Timmy, the youngest, opens his mouth real wide and Mom stuffs a worm in it.

  * * *

  11:00 A.M. The Postman

  Will this blue stranger turn up your sidewalk again to leave a mysterious envelope in your box, or will he pass on by?

  * * *

  11:30 A.M. Amazing Buzzing Insect

  Today, a giant horsefly runs headlong into an invisible barrier over and over again.

  * * *

  NOON Construction Site Break Time

  The addition on that house across the street still isn’t done.

  * * *

  12:30 P.M. The Blowing Chip Bag

  Today, the chip bag makes another break for it until getting caught in a tree. Guest-starring the kids from the high school down the street.

  * * *

  1:00 P.M. Leaf Shaking Squirrel Dance Party

  The whole branch is jumping as teen squirrels shake it to musical guest The Cicadas.

  * * *

  1:30 P.M. The Sun

  The Sun reaches its most entertaining position, so you can enjoy a nice warm nap.

  * * *

  2:00 P.M. Sciuridae Triathlon

  Squirrels compete for the best time in the race up a tree, the power-line scramble, and the 25-foot dart across the road.

  * * *

  3:30 P.M. Street Baseball

  Ricky Thompson extends his hitting streak to six games.

  * * *

  4:00 P.M. Parallel Parking

  Watch as Susie Crook fails the test again.

  * * *

  4:30 P.M. Idling Delivery Truck

  If only it got out of the way, you could see the workers across the street pack up and go home for the weekend.

  * * *

  5:00 P.M. Fashion Don’ts

  Today: A guy in a western shirt unbuttoned to the navel, socks, and sandals, and a guy who thinks it’s perfectly okay to wear a bathrobe down to the corner mini-market.

  * * *

  5:30 P.M. The Sun

  The Sun settles behind th
e tree, leaving a lot of unanswered questions.

  * * *

  6:00 P.M. Environmental Canvasser Knocks on Door

  All he wants is a signature, but since it’s dinnertime, you don’t feel sorry for him.

  * * *

  6:30 P.M. That Might Smell Like Tuna

  Until the window opens for the summer season, you can only guess at what that blob in the side yard smells like.

  * * *

  7:00 P.M. Neighbor Waving

  The next-door neighbor makes an unexpected stop by the window and tries to get your attention for ten minutes.

  * * *

  7:30 P.M. Dog Walks Man

  You won’t believe what comes out of the dog and what the human he’s walking does with it.

  * * *

  8:00 P.M. Airplane Flyover

  Marvel at how a speck that small can make such a loud noise.

  * * *

  9:00 P.M. Star Trek

  Your neighbors are watching the episode where Spock becomes a hippy.

  * * *

  10:00 P.M. The Opossum

  The creature returns to root through the garbage, looking for any food that may be left behind. Horror.

  * * *

  11:00 P.M. Sign Off

  The programming day concludes when your person draws the blinds.

  * * *

  Catfight! Five Moves You Should Know

  Most of the time, cats are pacifists. Fighting expends a lot of energy that could be put to use investigating the garbage. We prefer to live, pester, nap, and let live. It takes a lot for us to lose our cool.

  But sometimes even the best-tempered of us are pushed to the edge and forced into a catfight. As much as we hate to admit it, cats who are not you can be jerks, and some of them will pick fights with you even if unprovoked.

  It can happen on the streets. For a surprising number of us, the aggressor is someone we’re close to, like a neighbor cat, or a relative. It might even be one of the cats we live with.

  Most of the time you let it pass. After all, a lot of these kittens and young toms don’t know any better. But then somebody comes along and intentionally sits in your shade spot. Somebody purposely licks your bowl of melted ice cream. Somebody unexpectedly comes flying at you from a corner while you’re taking your 11:30 nap.

  However it goes down, there’s only one response to affronts like these, and that’s to open a can of kitty whoop-ass and let the fur fly. You may not have started the trouble, but you’re going to finish it. When it’s time to scramble somebody’s eggs but good, it’s time to bring out your inner alley cat.

  FIVE MOVES YOU NEED TO KNOW

  One Paw Clapping: This is an aggressive, offensive striking maneuver that almost every cat employs at one time or another. To execute, you’ll want to get very mad at the other cat. Then, use an open paw to repeatedly whop that cat in the face. One Paw Clapping is a move best performed standing on your hind legs, but a cat can be slapped silly from any position.

  NOTE: When this move is performed using hind legs to repeatedly whop a cat in the face, it is known as the Furry Fury. When used to whop the whiskers right off a cat’s face, it is alternately called Whisking.

  The Rake: Any cat worth her claws has gotten mightily scratched up while sparring. The Rake, or, as it is known to Burmese and Siamese kitties, the Tiger’s Claw, is an effective tool for scratching the heck out of any opponent. Just get your claws out and dig ’em into anything that isn’t your body.

  No matter how the Rake is employed, your opponent will sport a scratchy injury until she heals. She’ll be a walking advertisement for your skills, and everyone who sees her will know she’s been put in her place.

  The Cat Pile: Not really meant to hurt your adversary, the Cat Pile is a defensive grappling maneuver used to render another kitty incapable of making an aggressive move against you. The Cat Pile gives both of you time to rest, but it also gives both of you time to think, so beware. The kitty controlling the Cat Pile can change in a heartbeat, and you might suddenly find yourself on the bottom.

  NOTE: When the Cat Pile does change on a dime, it’s often due to the Bunnykick—a move in which you grab the opponent using your front paws and kick with all your might using the back ones. Sometimes, it’s due to the employment of a belly-to-belly suplex, a full nelson, or a cobra-clutch bulldog. But usually it’s the Bunnykick, which sounds cuter than it feels.

  Flying Face Pounce: Good for surprise attacks or just gaining the upper hand when you’re down, the Flying Face Pounce allows you to gain leverage by hurling yourself through the air and pouncing directly on another kitty’s kisser. The name of the move is a bit misleading; you can actually pounce on any part of your opponent. The effectiveness of this maneuver is increased tenfold when delivered while screeching, hissing, or screaming, and making this face:

  The Clamper: Often performed in conjunction with the Flying Face Pounce, the Clamper is a serious aggressive move that escalates any situation. For this reason, it should never ever be used in play fights, unless you are trying to turn a play fight into the real deal! Simply open your mouth wide until it is roughly the size of your opponent’s head, and then clamp down on her neck. That’s right—bite ’em on the neck! It may sound vicious, but that’s what you have to do to teach ’em to keep away from the top secret spot in the closet, where you do all your best thinking.

  Like the others listed here, the Clamper is a very risky technique. It will almost certainly cause the cat you’re fighting to bite you on the neck, too. But if your paws are busy swatting, or you’re just feeling really mean, the Clamper will do the trick every time.

  Careers for Cats

  It really sticks in the craw when one of us is putting effort into keeping a pile of warm, fresh laundry warm, only to be called a lazybones and told to get a job. Well, excuse us, but we have jobs! Cats eat all unwanted meat scraps without even having to be asked. We absorb energy from the sun and distribute it to laps. And we produce more hair than all the alpaca farms in Peru.

  If that’s not being a productive member of a household, we don’t know what is.

  But that cutting little remark from your person might just get you thinking. Perhaps pursuing something outside your home could be a refreshing change, or maybe you just want her to stop nagging and get off your back. Either way, there are several opportunities for the resourceful and enterprising cat to contribute to society, and maybe even make a buck or two while she’s at it.

  CAT CIRCUS

  The thrill of the greasepaint and the roar of the crowd are no longer reserved for the chosen few of the Moscow Cats Theatre. New troupes are popping up all over, making it easy for any cat to fulfill her dream of running off with the circus. Imagine gingerly tippy-toeing on a tightrope a hundred feet above the ground, or slapping on a helmet and getting shot out of a cannon. Even if your “trick” just involves sitting up, get ready for mass adulation. Humans love the idea of a cat circus, no matter what actually happens on stage.

  Participating in a circus does involve taking some direction from humans, so if you’re fiercely independent, you should probably stick to doing your act on the curtain rod back home. No use getting kicked off the bus and left on the side of I-95 because you refuse to take any direction from your trainer, who obviously couldn’t even hack it with the flea circus.

  BLOOD DONOR

  Let’s say there’s another cat who is very sick. She’s lost a lot of blood and needs a transfusion. Well, that new blood needs to come from somebody, and if you’re a hearty, healthy cat with a charitable streak, that somebody could be you! Being a blood donor is more of a nonprofit type of gig since it doesn’t actually pay well. Or at all. However, if you’re not looking for a big paycheck, but have big, bulgy veins and an even bigger heart, this could definitely be your calling. On the con side, it means going to the vet and getting poked with a needle. On the plus side, you will get lots of proud, well-deserved cuddles, and can sleep even more soundly knowing that you are a
hero.