Knocked Up by Brother's Best Friend

by Amy Brent

  I had an interview in three days with one of the top marketers on the planet. Holy shit…

  I had an interview at IDS…

  With Denny Chambers…

  One of the richest guys in the Valley…

  Again… holy shit.

  IDS was a legendary company, even by Silicon Valley standards. Started fifteen years ago by college pals, tech whiz Isaac Hanson, marketing genius Denny Chambers, and a guy who would end up being one of the great business minds of his generation, Sammy Branniff: the same Sammy Branniff who played lineman for USC before I got there and the Los Angeles Marauders after college.

  IDS would become one of the world’s top online data storage and software companies, with thousands of employees and millions of users across the globe, mainly due to the efforts of the three founders.

  I didn’t sleep a wink for the next three days. The morning of my interview, my eyes were bloodshot and I looked completely worn out, but I put on my best face (thank you, L’Oréal), my best outfit (thank you, Tom Ford), and showed up thirty minutes ahead of time with my resume in hand and a frozen smile on my lips.

  Then, reality set it. Even as pumped as I was to get the interview, I didn’t hold out much hope of actually getting the job once that first interview was over.

  I was extremely qualified and had a great resume, but I got the feeling that Denny was less than impressed by me once we were in his office alone. I think I intimidated him a little. Not in a sexual way. Denny never made me feel like I was a piece of meat or anything. It’s just that I’m six-feet tall with raging red hair. And I have a big mouth that sometimes disconnects from my brain. I’ve been compared to the old comic strip heroine Red Sonya, who was the warrior princess and lover of Conan the Barbarian. I can come across as brash and overconfident, and sometimes I talk when I should just shut up and listen. To quote Conan, “Talk less, woman. Fight more.”

  I interrupted Denny a dozen times, and kept telling him how great I was and what a great asset I would be to IDS. Denny was very cordial the entire time, smiling, nodding, and answering my questions even when they were totally ridiculous.

  “So, Denny, tell me why I should want to work for you?”

  Seriously, fuck nut?

  Seriously??

  I remembered leaving his office thinking that it would be the last time I ever talked to Denny Chambers or set foot in IDS. I imagined him phoning security as I rode down the elevator, telling them to meet me at the elevator to escort me out of the building.

  “She’s a big one, boys, have your Tasers ready!”

  I held my breath as the elevator doors opened. There were no guards with Tasers. Just me. Just stupid, silly me. They didn’t even glance my way as I went out the front doors to my car parked at the back of the lot.

  I cried all the way home.

  You blew it, you freakin’ moron, I told myself.

  God, you’re such an idiot!!!

  I moped around and kicked my own ass for a week, then a call from the Human Resources Director at IDS made all my worries go away. She was emailing over an offer within the hour.

  “I’ll take it!” I said eagerly.

  “Don’t you even want to look at the offer first?” she asked, clearly confused.

  “What? No. I mean, yes. I mean, no. I’ll take it, whatever it is!”

  Fortunately for me, it was a great offer. I’d be an Assistant Marketing Director working directly for Denny. I didn’t even look at the salary and benefits package because it didn’t matter. I would have worked there for free, even though I was quite happy when I saw what they were willing to pay me for my time.

  Two weeks later I was working side by side with Denny and our interview became a running joke between us.

  “She scared the hell out of me the first time we met,” Denny said as he introduced me to the marketing group, several dozen people gathered in a large conference room down the hall from his office. “And it wasn’t because of her height. It was because she graduated from USC with more honors than I did! Do you have any idea how intimidating that is?”

  Everyone laughed.

  Denny winked at me.

  I winked back.

  All was right with the world.

  And Denny was only partially telling the truth.

  He would later confess once we became friends, that it was more than my academic record or my height that kept him from hitting on me. I wasn’t like all the other girls Denny Chamber was famous for screwing. In fact, Denny, Isaac, and Sammy were almost as famous —or infamous—for their sexual exploits as their company and combined billions of dollars. All three were party boys well into their late thirties, though it seemed that Denny and Isaac had started to settle down as of late, thanks in large part to the new women in their lives.

  Isaac was living with Amy Rossetti, a high-priced tech consultant who looked like she just stepped off the pages of a Victoria’s Secret catalog.

  And Denny was dating a cancer researcher named Serena Diaz, a striking Hispanic beauty who reminded me of a young Sophia Vergara. Both Serena and Amy were the perfect mix of brains and beauty. And whatever hold they had on Isaac and Denny seemed to be working because in the six months I’d worked at IDS, I’d never seen them so much as smile at another girl.

  And then there was Sammy Branniff. Sammy the Sausage, the girls called him behind his back. Supposedly, Sammy—who might rival even Pete Hamilton for largest cucumber in the store— had a cock that hung half way to his knees when soft and stuck out like a foot-long metal pipe when it was hard. A couple of the girls at IDS claimed to have seen it and experienced it first and secondhand, no pun intended. I couldn’t help but try to sneak a peek every time Sammy stood in front of our group making a presentation. He usually wore baggy Chinos, but once, when he was standing with his hands behind his back, I saw the bulge. It looked like a boa constrictor in a brown sack. I caught myself licking my lips. Since Pete, the longest cock I’d had was around eight inches long. Nothing to sneeze at, but when you lost your cherry to a boa constrictor sized trouser snake like Pete’s, the allure of something even larger could not easily be dismissed.

  Chapter 5: Andrea

  “Morning,” Denny said as he poked his head in my office door. He gave me the big brother smile that had come to define our relationship. “How was your weekend?”

  “It was good,” I said, leaning back in my chair to give him a smile in return. “How was yours?”

  “Great,” he said, beaming. He came into the office and sat in the chair across the desk and put laced his fingers behind his head. “Serena and I spent the weekend in Catalina. Beautiful this time of the year. Ever been?”

  “I’m sure it is and no I have not,” I said, smiling at the happy expression he wore most of the time now. “You two lovebirds seem very happy.”

  He rolled his eyes as his cheeks turned pink. “Is it that obvious?”

  “It is.” I leaned forward, propped my chin on a fist, and gave him a sly look. “Might we hear wedding bells soon? I look amazing in pink chiffon, by the way.”

  The smile turned to a snarky grin. “I’m sure you do.”

  “So…”

  He huffed out a quick breath like men do when they’re put on the spot and patted his palms in the air between us. “Whoa, we’re not there yet.”

  “But you’re getting there?”

  “Let’s just say progress is being made.” He crossed his legs and laced his fingers around his knee. He bounced is foot happily. “What about you, Andrea. Anyone special in your life?”

  It was my turn to roll my eyes. “Nah, I’m married to my job. My boss is a real prick, makes me work all day and all night.”

  He pooched his lips. “A job won’t keep you warm at night.”

  “No, but it does come in handy when it’s time to pay the heating bill.”

  “Which is why you need a man.” He gave me a knowing look. I knew something was on his mind.

  “I’ve seen that look in your eye before
, Mr. Chambers,” I said, cutting my eyes at him. “What are you thinking?”

  “Well… I was just thinking how cool it would be if my pal Sammy had a steady girl like me and Isaac have. You know, someone to hang out with and go to restaurants and the movies. Rather than fifth-wheeling us every weekend.”

  My eyebrows arched. “Fifth-wheeling?”

  “You know, me and Serena, Isaac and Amy… the four of us… then Sammy… he’s the fifth wheel.” He leaned in and lowered his voice. “Sammy needs a woman, Andrea. You need a man…”

  “Whoa, now you slow down,” I said, huffing. “What is this, an episode of the Andy Griffith Show? Who are you, Barney Fife?”

  “I’m just saying—”

  “Go say it to someone else,” I said, my head swiveling back and forth on my neck while my eyes stayed on him. “I’m sorry Sammy tries to butt into your romantic weekends, but don’t offer me up as a sacrifice.”

  “Who said anything about offering you as a sacrifice?” he asked. He talked with his hands, swaying them from side to side like he was dealing cards. “I’m simply saying that Sammy is an attractive man… You’re a very attractive woman… You’re both taller than most humans…”

  “Oh, fuck you,” I said, grinning. “So, you think it would be cool if the giants dated and mated, is that it?”

  His grin was contagious. “Think of the spawn you two very tall people could produce!” He talked with his hands, curling his fingers into arcs and holding them out like he was clutching a medicine ball. “Big, beautiful babies with big, giant heads…”

  “Uh, no, I’d rather not imagine a head that size trying to squeeze from my vaj, thank you very much.” I folded my arms over my chest and narrowed my eyes at him again. This was not a spur of the moment idea. He had given this some thought. Or had been put up to it, probably by Serena who wanted Denny all to herself.

  I asked, “Where is this coming from? You’ve never tried to play matchmaker before.”

  He shrugged with his face and spread his hands. “Oh, I don’t know… I may have heard something… A little bird telling me how Sammy thinks you are the hottest thing since sliced bread and how he’d love to take you out.”

  “Does this little bird have a name?” I asked.

  “Yeah. Actually, it’s a very large bird named Sammy.”

  I snorted a laugh. “So, Sammy told you he thinks I’m hot and wants to ask me out.”

  “Maybe.”

  “So, you’re basically in here asking me out on Sammy’s behalf?”

  “Of course not.” He snorted and made a silly face. “But if that was the case… what would your response be?”

  I took a moment to think about it. What would I say if Sammy Branniff walked through my door and asked me to go out with him? Would I accept quickly or play hard to get? Would I be all giggly like a schoolgirl or coy like a woman? Would it make me horny as hell and force my brain to kick into porno mood and imagine his monster cock covering my tits in thick Sammy-goo? Dammit, I hated it when my vaj started talking for my brain.

  Denny tapped his knuckles on the desk. “Well?”

  “Well… tell Mr. Branniff’s little bird that I’m having lunch today in the cafeteria downstairs at noon. If Mr. Branniff would like to join me—just for lunch and not a date—I would not say no.”

  Denny’s face split into a wide smile and he clasped his hands together. “Awesome!” he said, getting out of the chair so quickly he almost turned it over. “I’ll pass that on… I mean… you know… if I happen to see that little bird.”

  Chapter 6: Sammy

  “YOU WHAT??!!”

  “I told Andrea that you had the hots for her and wanted to stuff your big sausage in her tight Amazonian box.”

  I waited for Denny to smile so I would know for certain that he was joking before I reached across the desk to throttle his neck. He was standing in front of my desk with his hands behind his back, bouncing on the balls of his feet like a fucking ballerina. I almost expected him to do a pirouette.

  I pressed my palms to the top of the desk to keep from crushing his head between them. I glared at him. “You fucking asshole. You did say something to her, didn’t you?”

  “Maybe.” The corners of his mouth started to twitch. He was doing his best to keep the smile going, though he was starting to look like a frightened deer in headlights. He stopped bouncing and folded his arms defensively over his chest. “What’s the problem?”

  I fell back in the chair and rubbed my eyes. “Dammit, Den, you know how I hate these fucking high school games you play. Let me guess; you passed her a note in class and told her to check the box if she’d let me fuck her out back of the gym?”

  Denny smiled when it became obvious that I wasn’t going to kill him, at least not at that moment. He dropped into the chair and laced his fingers behind his head and gave me a proud look. “I just told her that you had asked about her and I thought you two would make a great couple. Christ, Sam, think of the giant babies you two could have.”

  “God, you’re an asshole,” I said, shaking my head.

  “I may be an asshole,” he said, narrowing his eyes as the smile faded away. “But you, my friend, are lonely. You need a good woman in your life.”

  I huffed at him. “I’m lonely? Seriously? Have you seen the women I—”

  “Carina and the other girls at Club D don’t count,” he said, hands waving the notion away. “You pay those girls to fuck you, then you get up and leave. You need a woman you can take home to mama. And take home to fuck.”

  “You did Club D for years,” I said, growling at him. “You’re actually gonna sit there and judge me?”

  “I’m not judging you, my friend,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m just saying that there is more to life than money and pussy.”

  I grinned at him. Denny was famous for saying—on live TV no less—that the best part about being him was, “The pussy. Duh.” I reminded him of that fact, but he brushed it away.

  “Look, I was stupid,” he said, shoulders going up and down. “At the time, you, me and Isaac were spending every weekend at Club D plowing through pussy like farmers plowing a field…”

  “A field of pussy,” I said, eyes rolling. “So much fun to plow.”

  He chuckled at himself. “Well, yeah, that’s what it was. We went there to drink and fuck where nobody could see us doing it. Don’t get me wrong, those were fun times and I don’t regret them in the least, but since I met Serena… well… my life has changed. For the better.”

  I leaned back and stared at him for a moment, again, waiting for the smile to break. But it didn’t break. He kept smiling, even as his eyes went dreamy at the mention of Serena’s name. Then it hit me. Denny was in love. Son of a bitch. First Isaac and Amy. Now Denny and Serena. Fuck. It suddenly occurred to me that...

  “Holy shit,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m the fifth wheel.”

  Denny tried hard to deny what he had been thinking. “It’s not that, Sam, I mean, yeah… you kind of are, but…”

  “Hey, if you love birds don’t want me hanging around that’s fine with me,” I said, trying not to sound hurt, holding up my palms and patting the air with them. “I can find other things to do. I don’t have to tag along on your little outings. I’m very capable of doing things on my own.”

  “So, what are you gonna do? Keep spending the weekends at Club D and paying Carina to fuck you.”

  “Carina said she’d fuck me for free,” I growled. I was frowning so hard it made my face hurt. And I was getting angry at my best friend, something a guy my size should never do.

  “Carina will fuck you for free,” he said, smirking, shaking his head. “And that’s enough for you.”

  “Enough?”

  “Christ, Sam, lots of women will fuck you for free,” he said. “You’re a good-looking billionaire with a fucking sausage for a cock. Fine. But what about after the sex? What do you and Carina talk about?”

  I blinked at him. “What do we tal
k about?”

  “Yes, after you pay Carina twenty-grand to ride the monster, what do you guys talk about?”

  “Well…” I leaned forward with my elbows on the desk and spread out my fingers to count. “We talk about… well… we talk about…”

  Denny sighed and gave me a pitiful look. “Sammy, you’re my best friend and I love you like a brother, but it’s time you realized that there’s more to life than hanging out at Club D every weekend. It’s time to grow up.”

  That one made me cackle. “You’re giving me relationship advice? Denny Chambers, the pussy king of TMZ?”

  “That’s the old me,” he said, giving me a hurt look. “Now I’m Denny Chambers, the guy who is going to marry Serena Ruiz.”

  His words slammed into my face like a hot wind. Seriously, I felt like I’d been kicked in the forehead by a horse. Denny Chambers, my best friend, the eternal bachelor, the guy who set the record for most women fucked in a single weekend at Club D, was getting married…

  Married??

  Seriously??

  No fucking way!

  “You’re fucking kidding me,” I said. “You’ve only been dating Serena for like six months.”

  “We’ve been dating long enough to know that we love each other,” he said quietly. He brought his eyes up to mine and sighed. “I love her, Sam. I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. And Isaac is going to ask Amy to marry him soon.”