by Gia Riley
“You ready to do this, hot shot?” Colby asks as he spots me coming up beside him.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Knowing he will be up there alongside me makes this easier. I always imagined it would be Ryan performing by my side, but I know he’d still be excited to see I didn’t give up on something I love. Performing really is a passion I never thought I’d have. Each time, I feel a little more confident with my excitement outweighing my nerves. I take the shot Colby has waiting for me while I wait for Luke to give us the go ahead to perform.
“What the hell was that?” I sputter as I debate throwing up right on the top of the bar.
“That was a horny bull shot. Strong shit. I would have ordered you something more girlie if you’d have waited a minute.” He pushes an iced tea my way and I gulp it down as a chaser.
If I’m on my ass tonight I know why. How do people actually volunteer to drink something so vile. Red headed sluts are my favorite and a walk in the park in comparison. I shiver one last time before finding my voice again. “That will definitely keep the nerves at bay as long as I can still remember the lyrics.”
“I’m just glad you showed up, hot shot,” Colby admits.
“Did you think I’d chicken out?” I ask him as I chip at the pink nail polish coating my nails. It’s a nervous habit I picked up after I started painting them in an attempt to stop biting them. There’s nothing like exchanging one bad habit for another.
“I wasn’t going to take any chances. You finally agreed to this and I’m going to make sure you get up there with me. You’re amazing and together we can blow the roof off this place.”
“I’m glad you think so, Colby.”
“I know so.”
Our names are called fifteen minutes later to take the stage. We’re doing our own version of Say Something by A Great Big World. It’s the perfect duet and an emotional piece we can both dig into. I haven’t figured out yet what secrets Colby may be hiding, but I can tell he also uses music as a way to channel whatever’s going on inside his head. Despite that, I made him promise me our next song would be something more upbeat and kick ass.
He’s playing the piano tonight instead of his guitar. I wasn’t surprised in the slightest to hear about all the different instruments he was capable of playing. Since I know very little about the music world, he’s been a great teacher to have with the abundance of musical knowledge he possesses. I know he works as a contractor during the day and spends most of his nights doing gigs around town. I’ve never witnessed him perform elsewhere, only at open-mic night, but I’m sure it’s a great show.
Our duet starts out quiet and subdued. We create a slow build-up through the verses of the song. By the end, we are singing to each other like our next breath depends on it. I’m so into the moment, I forget all about the number of eyes that are currently watching us. The background fades away as I pour my heart into the lyrics. As we finish the last note, we continue to stare at each other for a few seconds before simultaneously breaking free from our emotional trance. We both have huge smiles on our faces. He looks at the crowd before pulling me close for a hug “You nailed it, Hallie. I think you should drink a horny bull before every performance.”
I lean back holding him at arm’s length as I blush profusely while laughing about the shot. I look out into the crowd at everyone applauding animatedly for us, amazed at the support they are dishing out tonight. Before I get too excited, my eyes scan over the one person who wouldn’t be excited for me right now. Immediately realizing I’m in a hell of a lot of trouble, I completely pull away from Colby. Standing by the entrance with his hands in his pockets looking incredibly disappointed is none other than Sean.
“You okay? You look pale, Hallie,” I hear Colby say while my pulse is thumping in my ears clouding my ability to focus.
“No! Sean is here. I have to go.”
“Fuck.”
Yeah, fuck is putting it mildly. Sean warned Colby what he would do if he ever saw him with me again. I know I broke Sean’s trust by being here with Colby tonight and lying about where I was going in the first place. Every part of this situation is eerily similar to why I left Sean in Vegas - running home to lick my wounds and cry. Why didn’t I just tell him the truth tonight? It’s not even that big of a deal that I perform. I had the perfect opportunity while he laid out a shocking confession of his own. Open-mic night would have been small beans in comparison.
By the time I race off the stage and run over to the door, Sean’s gone. I have to waste precious seconds by stopping to grab my purse and keys from my table. I need to catch him before he leaves Shorty’s.
“Hallie, slow down. You can’t run out of here and drive like a maniac. Do you want me to drive you somewhere?”
“Colby, I appreciate the offer but you’re what caused this in the first place. It won’t do me any good to be seen with you again.”
“Hold up a second. What did I do?”
I take a deep breath and try to get my racing heartbeat under control. He’s right. None of this is his fault. It’s completely mine. My decisions have gotten me into this situation. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean you were responsible. He’s mad because I’m with you, is what I was trying to say.” I rub my temples with my fingers in a desperate attempt to stop my headache from intensifying. I have a history of migraines and this one isn’t going to be pretty.
“Come on. Let’s go fix this.” He grabs my arm and pulls me through the mass of people surrounding the bar. I’m thankful considering my head is pounding making me feel nauseated. It’s easier to plow through the tightly packed bodies with him leading the way.
“Where do you want me to take you? Your house or his?” Colby asks.
“Check mine first. If he’s not there, then his.” The one good thing about being neighbors with Sean is that he can’t go too far considering we live on the same street. I have to find him regardless because it kills me knowing he caught me in a lie.
My house looks empty and all the lights are off. I have Colby drive a little farther and see the light on inside Sean’s living room. Colby’s Jeep isn’t at a complete stop yet, but I hop out and start running up his steps to the front door. I turn the knob but the door is locked. I ring the doorbell a couple times, waiting as patiently as I possibly can for him to answer.
The door opens and Sean steps closer to the screen door. He looks over my shoulder and shakes his head. “Did that fucker bring you here?”
“Yes, but I was upset, and he wouldn’t let me drive. Can I come in?” My voice is small and my hands are shaking so much I’m having trouble holding onto my purse.
“So now he wants to take care of what’s mine too. How rich.” He flips Colby off and opens the door wider, allowing me to step inside his living room. Not the most mature move, but I have no room to talk about maturity right now considering the trouble I’m in.
“Is there a reason you came here?”
“Sean, what you saw tonight has nothing to do with the way I feel about you.” I move closer to him but he immediately takes a step back. Walking over to the window, he pushes the curtain aside and I pray Colby was smart enough to leave after I got out of the car. “Sean, can you turn around and look at me.” He turns around but makes no attempt to close the distance between us. “I swear there’s nothing going on with Colby. We’re just friends.”
“It didn’t look very friendly watching you look into his eyes while you were singing, Hallie. Do you have any fucking idea what it felt like walking into Shorty’s and seeing the two of you on that stage tonight?”
“Actually I do,” I admit reluctantly.
Sean closes his eyes and takes a second to respond. “I deserved that. Was this your way of getting back at me? Despite everything I told you, you still went and did this knowing all we just went through. Are you that angry with me you needed to seek revenge?”
My voice is shaky when I finally manage to get my words out. “Not at all. I’m thankful you shared your story with me. It m
eans a lot to me.”
Sean sits down on the edge of the couch. He puts his head between his hands and says, “Are we ever going to be on the same page, Hallie? I’m starting to think you and I are aren’t meant to be together. It shouldn’t be this hard to be with each other.”
“Please, you don’t mean that, Sean. Don’t give up on us.” I know I’m begging but I can’t lose him. I’ve never wanted Colby, ever. Sean and I are finally starting to work through the past. He’s right it hasn’t been an easy road for us, but I’d never give up on him.
“I do care about you, Hallie, that’s the fucking point! I’ve always cared about you more than you’ve cared about me. I’m always the underdog.”
“No, you’re wrong, Sean. You have no idea the depth of my feelings for you because we never talk about it. But I’m telling you right now, it’s more than you could ever imagine.”
“I knew you were up to something tonight when you were short with me before you left the house. You were vague and edgy, which is completely unlike you. So, after you left, I followed you and saw your car at Shorty’s. I went in figuring you were having a drink with Amie or something, which was also not the norm. Never in a million years did I imagine you would be on the stage with Colby looking so fucking cozy.”
“I don’t know what you think you saw, Sean, but we were just singing, that’s all. He hugged me at the end, you did see that, but it didn’t mean anything. He was just happy I got through my stage fright.”
“The girl I know wouldn’t go behind my back and lie to me about what she was doing. Especially not after the tables were turned just the other night. You know how it feels to be on the receiving end and you still did it to me. I’m not sure how to process that.”
“You don’t have to process anything, Sean, because there’s nothing between Colby and I. We have no past and definitely no future. He’s nothing to me. You’re my everything.”
“It looked like so much more, Hallie. I watched you with Ryan from the sidelines and I swore to myself I would never be your second choice again. You know how I feel about Colby. I think we need to take a break. We can’t keep hurting each other over and over. It’s not healthy.”
“Sean, please. I’m sorry. I won’t lie to you again. Tonight didn’t mean anything. I don’t know what else to say to convince you that I’m not interested in him.”
“Let’s just take some time to think about the past week. It will do us both some good to put things into perspective before we keep piling new shit on top of the old.”
That sounds like therapist Sean talking and not my boyfriend. He’s switched into clinical mode to protect himself and it makes me feel like I’m losing him. Tears stream down my cheeks as I realize I really screwed up. He has every right to be mad at me for seeing Colby behind his back. I get that. Never in my life have I cheated – I would never cross that line. I walk over to the window and put my hand on Sean’s arm. He flinches but doesn’t make an attempt to kiss or hug me. “I’ll go, but I never touched him Sean. I would never do that to you. What we have is way too important to ever risk. Yes, I made some bad decisions by not telling you the truth tonight. I’m sorry you walked in on that. If I could do it over, I would change everything about tonight.” I pause to wipe my tears and catch my breath.
“It’s about Ryan, isn’t it. Not Colby,” he asks sounding very defeated.
As much as I don’t want to admit that it’s partly about Ryan, I have no choice but to be totally honest with Sean. “Partly, yes. At first it was completely about him, but since I’ve processed my pain, singing is how I stay grounded. I’ve been using it as a therapy tool.”
Sean shakes his head in understanding. This wasn’t how I wanted to tell him about singing. He isn’t understanding that I’m not singing to hold onto Ryan, but rather to help me process his death. Add Colby to the mix and it looks like I need the memory of one man and the company of another to get through my life. Everything about that looks horrible and it’s not the complete truth.
“You should go, Hallie.”
I don’t want to walk away so easily, and I’m not ready to give up on the two of us, but I’m scared to push him right now. So instead of fighting back, I simply say, “Okay.” I grab my purse off the couch and dig around for my keys. Slowly, I walk over to the front door hoping he will change his mind and ask me to stay. When I get there and he hasn’t moved an inch, I try one more time. “For whatever it’s worth, I love you, Sean.” Immediately his head snaps up and his eyes pierce right through my heart. I wait a few seconds for a response, but when nothing follows my confession, I close the door to his house unsure of the next time I’ll hear his voice.
Before I make it down the steps of his front porch, I jump when I hear something smash against the door I just exited. I wait a few seconds to see if he’s going to come outside to me, but he doesn’t.
That wasn’t the way I intended to tell him I love him for the first time, but I need him to know the truth whether he wants to hear the words or not. He may hate me, but I’ve loved him for a long time. I never got to tell Ryan I loved him so even if it’s too late for Sean and I, I don’t want to make the same mistake twice by keeping those three sacred words locked inside my heart.
I go right to my bedroom once I walk back home. I don’t even bother changing. Instead, I throw my body on the bed and pass out in a puddle of my own tears.
MORNING COMES ENTIRELY TOO SOON. My body aches from crying and when I pull my head off my pillow, my hair is matted down against my cheek. I know I look as bad as I feel. Considering I only had one shot last night, my stomach is unusually unsettled. I’ve never handled stress well. My heart hurts all over again as the memory of losing Sean comes back to me full force.
Halfway through my shower, I have to hop out and heave into the toilet. I really should have taken some of my migraine medicine when I got home last night. Unfortunately, the only thing on my mind was loving a man who was done with me.
I brush my teeth, and then finish my shower — the steam now filling the room entirely. At least it’s fogged up the mirror enough to block my view of my swollen eyes.
I hear my phone chime from my purse just as I reach in my bag to fish it out. I never bothered to put it on the charger before I fell asleep last night. The one person I want to talk to wouldn’t be using my number any time soon. I notice I have a few missed calls from both Colby and Alex along with a slew of texts from Colby. They will all have to wait. My only plan is to crawl back into my bed before I have to go to work.
My phone chimes again.
Alex: Where you at? Wanted to catch up.
Hallie: Sean and I had a huge fight last night. Not up for talking.
Alex: AGAIN! You two are worse than Jerry Springer. I’ll come over.
Hallie: Stay with Tanner. I’m fine. Have work at 3.
Alex: Be there soon.
Ugh! There’s no use trying to tell that man no. He does what he wants anyway.
Alex must have flown here because he walks into my room exactly fifteen minutes later. He doesn’t say anything, just flops onto my bed with me, wrapping me in a hug.
“Tell me all about it, baby girl.”
I sigh and clear my throat, still hoarse from the combination of singing and crying the night before. “Well. I have something I need to tell you too.”
“Oh hell. What mess did you get yourself into?”
“Just let me get it out before you judge me, please.”
“I never judge you. You of all people should know that. Now go ahead and fill me in. There isn’t anything in this world terrible enough to keep you and Sean apart, unless you slept with someone else.”
When I don’t immediately answer, Alex assumes the worst. “Hallie, please tell me you didn’t cheat on him. I beg you.”
“I didn’t.”
“Thank God.”
“But, I did do something else. I met a guy at the open-mic night I go to on Wednesday’s. Alex, I swear to you it just happened and
I didn’t intend to start hanging out with him. Sean hates his guts. They’ve had a few run-ins.”
“Nobody intends to fall for someone else, Hallie.”
“But I didn’t fall for Colby. It’s not like that. Nobody believes me, but I swear it’s not. He’s just a friend. We share music together and last night we sang together for the first time. Sean was suspicious and followed me to the bar. He watched us and then left. Alex, I’ve never felt so awful. He looked devastated.”
“Probably exactly how you felt in Vegas. Am I right?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you tell him the truth?”
“Of course I did. I went running to his house and told him. I know he feels like second best again on top of the fact that I lied to him. I get that I didn’t tell him what I was doing, but there was nothing physical going on, ever!” I start to cry again as I finish telling Alex what happened. My cell beeps again with a text, this time from Amie. Now I’m even more disappointed there aren’t any missed calls or texts on my phone from Sean. The fact that he stopped all communication after we left things on such a horrible note scares me. Hell, I told him I fucking love him. That should count for something.
“Hallie, maybe he needs some time. He’s obviously struggling with what he saw. If he loves you he will come back to you.”
“Alex, I told him I loved him. He didn’t say anything. Not one single word.”
“He will when he’s ready, baby girl. You can’t expect him to say it back after what happened last night. Give him time – let him process everything. He’d be a fool to let you go.”
“So you believe me?” I question.
“Without a shadow of a doubt. You wouldn’t sit here and feed me a bunch of bullshit.”
