Playing Her Secret Crush

by Casey Griffin

  He wondered if anyone would ever live up to Katie in his heart or if he was doomed to want her forever. And lately that want was turning into a need, a craving, a desperation.

  Once Alex had checked the fit of the Batman suit, he got dressed again. He stepped out of the stall at the same time Lexi left hers. Back in her normal clothes, she raised the Harley Quinn costume.

  “It might be a little racy for my taste. It looked less risky on the rack. I think I’ll go with the Princess Peach that I saw over there.”

  “It might be safer,” he told her.

  She snorted. “You’re probably right.” She tossed the costume onto the “no” rack. “Peach it is.”

  Alex glanced around. “Where’s Katie?”

  “I think she’s still trying stuff on.” She gestured to the stall Katie went into then headed back out to search the racks.

  He was about to follow her when he heard a “Psst!”

  Spinning in surprise, he glanced around before he noticed Katie’s head poking out between the curtains. Her eyes darted around like she was checking for other people nearby, but they were alone.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  She grimaced. “I’m stuck.”

  “Stuck? In the stall?”

  She rolled her eyes. “In the costume. The zipper’s caught on the tag.” She bit her lip. “Can you help?”

  Her face was redder than when he’d been checking her out. She got flustered, and her head disappeared back into the stall. He held back a chuckle.

  Looking both ways for witnesses, he poked his head through the curtains. Katie was struggling to reach the zipper behind her back. Her arms and hands flailed ineffectively. This time he did laugh.

  Scowling, she dragged him inside. “You’ll look like a pervert if you’re just standing there peeking inside. Hurry, before we get in trouble.”

  He imagined it would be a lot worse if anyone found him in there, but he didn’t say that because he’d lost the ability to speak at all. He was staring at her again in that costume. The dressing room suddenly felt very small, the lights shining down on them unbearably hot. Even his palms began to sweat.

  Alex looked at those full lips that hinted at a smile, at a quiet confidence. Those lips that he’d once hoped to kiss, had thought of it often, in fact. And he was doing it again now.

  A feeling built inside him, deep in his chest. Not a flutter of his heart or a catch of his breath. It felt like the pressure building again, heavy and forceful, enough to make his breath whoosh out in a strangled sigh, like his brother was trying to tell him something. Katie is off-limits.

  He knew she was, and yet the pain of being with her, without actually being with her, was beginning to outweigh the warning in his chest and the gnawing guilt every time he wanted to tell her how he felt. He could taste those words on the tip of his tongue like they might tumble out at any moment.

  …

  Katie saw Alex’s eyes drop to her lips, and his breath caught. He heaved a sigh, but it sounded strangled, as though he was struggling. He was holding something back, something he wanted to say.

  After a moment, his lips parted like he was going to speak, but then Lexi’s voice drifted into their moment.

  “Katie?”

  Katie jumped. She must have been in the stall next to hers. She and Alex shared a wide-eyed look. The weirdness of the situation suddenly hit her. Had they been caught?

  “Umm, yeah?”

  “Do you know what you’re going as yet?” she asked.

  Katie breathed a sigh of relief, and Alex’s shoulders relaxed beneath his T-shirt.

  “No. Not yet.” She tried to sound normal. “But probably Wonder Woman.”

  If she wanted to feel confident, what exuded more confidence and girl power than Wonder Woman? It was certainly better than her old Pikachu onesie she had at home. It was so juvenile. She’d bought it back in eighth grade, and the most embarrassing part was that it wasn’t much smaller on her now.

  “Yeah. It looks great on you.” Lexi went quiet for a while.

  Katie and Alex exchanged looks, like “What do we do?”

  Alex peered through a part in the curtain, checking to see if the coast was clear. Katie heard voices outside, so she yanked him back. They’d probably get kicked out of the store. They were trapped.

  “This is great,” Lexi said.

  “What’s that?” Katie asked.

  “Just hanging out and shopping. In Texas, we lived outside of town, and I didn’t have my motorcycle yet. It was kind of tough to make new friends when I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything.”

  “That must have sucked.”

  “Yeah, but you guys have been so awesome,” Lexi said. “I’m glad I met you. You’ve been a good friend.”

  Who would have guessed Katie would become so close with that speed demon she first watched race away from the house next door. But Lexi was great. She was outgoing, interesting, thoughtful. Katie had a lot of fun with her.

  “It’s been great getting to know you, too,” Katie said.

  “For once, I’m glad I had to move.”

  “Me, too.”

  There was a clinking of metal and plastic, the distinct sound of cheap hangers. “Well, I think I’ve found the one. I’ll see you out there.”

  Katie heard the curtain swish open as Lexi left the changing area. She let out the breath she’d been holding and turned back to Alex, hoping to get out of her costume before they were caught in there together by a staff member. However, when she saw the look on his face, it brought her up short.

  It didn’t look like he was in any rush to leave. He was focused on her, his stare intent. She was reminded of paintball when she thought he might kiss her. It felt like her heart had stopped dead in her chest.

  Setting his costume down, Alex moved his hands to her waist, and she froze. Slowly, he turned her around so her back was to him. His fingers grazed her skin as he swept her hair aside. They were standing so close that she could feel his warmth radiating on her bare back, feel the shake of his hands as he worked the zipper.

  She closed her eyes and felt so much in the silence, in the stillness of the changing room. She just wasn’t sure what it meant—for him, anyway. For her, it meant old feelings bubbling to the surface; it meant hope tickling, teasing her. The hope of more. And no matter how much she’d tried to tell herself it was useless, that he couldn’t care for her that way, her body seemed all too ready to grasp on to that hope now. It was in the prickling of her skin, the racing of her heart, her breath leaving her like each was her last and she didn’t want to let it go.

  Alex pulled the zipper free, but he didn’t move to leave. Katie felt the flutter of his hands on her bare shoulders, hesitant, like a question. Taking a deep breath, she turned around to look at him, hoping his answer was the same as hers. The one she’d been trying to find another answer for, but deep down it was hard to deny the truth. It was only ever Alex.

  Then, as though they’d decided together, they leaned in and kissed. And when their lips met, it wasn’t a whisper, a hesitant question. It was a bold statement, a testimony, like it was all the kisses they might have shared over the last two years all rolled into one.

  Every missed opportunity, the unspoken words, and the biting of tongues seemed to release all at once, and it was as though they’d kissed a thousand times. It was no awkward first kiss. They’d shared so many conversations that they knew each other’s lips and mouths and tongues and how they moved. And they were talking now, only wordlessly, breathlessly.

  Katie realized she was forgetting to breathe and took a gasp of air. Alex responded by pulling her closer, his warm hand on her bare back where the zipper was undone.

  She reached up and her fingertips brushed his jaw, feeling the scrape of stubble she’d touched so many times before. Her fingers wove into hair that she knew exactly how it liked to fall, and her lips kissed the mouth she’d watched him pop a million mints into, but now she could taste the sweet
peppermint for herself. It was all so familiar and yet different.

  The same hands she knew touched her in unusual places: her back, her neck, a soft thumb along her cheek. The same arms that had given her so many hugs held her tight to his body, sending cravings for more rushing through her. And he seemed to want more, too, because as their kisses grew deeper, his arms grew tighter, their bodies closer until the plastic on her Wonder Woman costume squeaked.

  Katie was distantly aware of her surroundings, very distantly, like when she played Conquerors and she knew there was another world around her but she was too absorbed in the moment to care about anything else. And all she cared about right then was that she was kissing Alex. Alex was kissing her.

  She barely registered the curtains rustling around them as their hands moved over each other. The voices outside were mere whispers. As the curtain slid aside, the bright light that flooded their little piece of heaven was nothing more than an annoyance.

  That is, until a stern voice said, “This isn’t what the changing rooms are for. Out! Out!”

  Katie and Alex jumped, pulling away from each other. An embarrassed heat rushed through her. Alex murmured some apology before grabbing his Batman costume and slipping out.

  As Katie dared to raise her eyes from her feet, her gaze fell on someone standing outside. It had been so quiet—or maybe she wouldn’t have even heard a pack of orcs outside the changing stall. She’d thought the coast was clear. But Lexi was outside, waiting for her.

  When Alex saw her, he froze. Katie suddenly realized how sordid it must look that the two of them were coming out together, especially with Katie’s costume half undone. By now it was clear that Alex had been trying to date Lexi, and here they were making out with each other.

  She wondered what was going through Lexi’s mind at that moment. But it wasn’t hard to guess when her eyes flitted between the two of them and her face crumpled. Her expression instantly brought an apology to Katie’s lips and obviously Alex’s, too, because they both started at the same time.

  “Lexi, we—”

  “I’m sorry, I—”

  But Lexi cut them both off. “I’m just going to go pay for this.” She held up a Princess Peach costume. “I’ll see you guys up front.”

  As she turned and left, Lexi’s words came back to Katie. You’ve been a good friend.

  Yeah. Right. Some friend I am.

  Chapter Eleven

  Alex’s therapist regarded him from her wingback chair. She folded her hands over her notebook, as though she had all the time in the world. Actually, they only had fifteen minutes left.

  “So what else is new since we last met?” Dr. Swift finally asked.

  “Not much,” Alex said, because he’d told her pretty much everything.

  Alex never bothered to hold back. He found the sessions went much faster if he was an open book. There were a lot less lip pursings, suspicious stares, and note scribblings when she didn’t think he was trying to hide something. So he was completely honest about how happy he was, how perfectly his life was going—he just left out the not-so-perfect parts.

  But there was one thing he wasn’t ready to discuss, one thing he didn’t even know how to begin working through. He wanted to be with Katie, but so had his brother. It seemed unfair that Alex got to be there and he didn’t, that he could hold her, kiss her, and Jason couldn’t.

  It wasn’t like he’d planned the kiss. He’d pushed away his feelings for Katie for so long, but in that moment, behind those curtains, something had come over him. And she’d kissed him back!

  After they’d left the mall the day before, the three of them had driven home in silence. He and Katie hadn’t talked about it since. He wondered if she felt as much guilt as he did. When they were kissing, had she been thinking of Jason?

  He didn’t know what to think of it himself, far less how to explain it, so instead, he said, “But there is…this girl.”

  “That’s great,” Dr. Swift said. “Tell me about her.”

  “She’s amazing,” he said. “She’s everything I’ve ever wanted,” which was the perfect truth, since every other girl had been like a supplement, a distraction for the one he’d really wanted all along, that he shouldn’t want at all.

  “How does Katie feel about this new girl?” Dr. Swift leaned forward in her chair, like the subject of Katie was of the most interest to her.

  Alex flinched at the name, but the question didn’t surprise him. Dr. Swift knew how close they were. Katie had even attended sessions with him as a way to “see a different side of ‘Alex.’” His therapist had even used air quotes, like “If you really are who you say you are.”

  Alex hesitated. “I’m not sure what she thinks yet.”

  “Do you know this new girl well?” she asked. “Well enough to know she’s what you really want?”

  “Yes. I…I just know,” he said lamely. It was a little more complicated than that.

  Dr. Swift nodded and wrote something down in her notebook. He listened to the scratch of her pen on paper and imagined what she was writing. Alex Masse is completely and irrevocably bonkers.

  She sighed and took off her glasses—she meant real doctor business now—and gave him a suspicious look. Or so it seemed to him. “Don’t you think you’ve more than fulfilled your promise to your brother?” she asked. “When is it time to stop living his life and start living yours?”

  Alex realized that she assumed this “new girl” was exactly the same as all the others, part of his promise to live life to the fullest, that she’d be gone in a week and he would have moved on to the next. He didn’t blame her for thinking that, what with his dating history.

  “I love my life,” he said. “Things couldn’t be better. What’s not to love?”

  She kind of smile-frowned and leaned back in her seat to observe him again. “Are you sure ‘Alex’ loves your life? Or is it because this is what you think your brother would want? The fast life, the parties, a new girl every week.” She held her pen at the ready. “What is it ‘Alex’ wants?”

  Alex wanted to find that missing piece, to fill that inescapable need for something, something more. And he was beginning to wonder if it hadn’t been Katie all along. He felt the usual pressure build in his chest, like a reminder from Jason. But I liked her.

  “This girl, being with her…I feel like it would make everything better.” Sometimes it felt like not being with her was all that was wrong with his life.

  “Are you sure this isn’t just another distraction to prevent you from dealing with things? We’ve talked about this, about your ‘new lifestyle.’”

  Alex let his head fall against the sofa’s backrest, feeling like they’d had this conversation a million times. “What’s so wrong about wanting to live life to the fullest? To seize the day? To appreciate what life has to give us? I think that’s a good thing.”

  “It is,” she agreed. “But sometimes we need to stop living day to day and start looking to the future. In order to do that, we need to move beyond our past. Have you?”

  “Yes.” Alex jumped to his feet, unable to sit still any longer. “My brother’s gone. I’ve dealt, okay? I’m fine now. So why am I still coming to these sessions?”

  Dr. Swift closed her notebook and leaned forward in her chair again. “Alex, you know why. Your parents are worried that you’ve withdrawn ever since he died, that you’ve become emotionally distant. That’s not a healthy way to ‘deal.’”

  “That’s ridiculous.” He began to fidget with the expensive knickknacks on her shelves. “If anything, I spend more time with them. I’m always around. I watch movies with them, eat family dinners. Heck, we just came back from family vacation.”

  “You say you’re around more, but are you present?”

  “I think that’s the literal definition of ‘being around.’ I kind of have to be present to do that.”

  “You’re present physically, but are you present emotionally?” she asked, not deterred by his tone.

&nb
sp; Alex groaned, flopping back onto the sofa. He didn’t answer, and she didn’t force him to. She was cool that way, sometimes. Instead, they listened to the antique clock on the fireplace mantel tick the seconds away.

  Of course he was emotionally present. So he didn’t want to pour his heart out to his parents. What teenage boy does? It didn’t mean he wasn’t capable, that there was something wrong with him. Besides, he shared his feelings with Katie all the time. Really shared. Sometimes he thought she knew him better than he knew himself.

  Finally, he said, “It’s been two years. I’m fine now. I don’t need to be fixed.”

  “Why would you need to be fixed?” Dr. Swift asked. “Do you feel like you’re broken?”

  His head snapped up at the word, like she’d read his mind.

  “I just worry that this girl will turn out like all the others,” she continued. “I think you’re avoiding your healing journey, and in the process, you’re only hurting yourself and maybe some of these girls.”

  Alex could never hurt Katie. It wasn’t possible. While he wasn’t ready to explain it to Dr. Swift—heck, he wasn’t sure he was ready to explain it to Katie—he knew his feelings for her were real.

  But the therapist was right about one thing. He wasn’t done healing. As much as he wanted to be fixed, as much as he said he was, he didn’t feel like it. He always felt like he needed more—more adrenaline, more parties, more girls. By giving in to that need, he was probably hurting people.

  There was still something missing, and if that wasn’t Katie…would he only end up hurting her?

  At the thought, he felt a sudden surge of grief, of loss. And strangely, for once it wasn’t for his brother. It was for Katie. He couldn’t lose her. Sometimes it felt like she was the only thing keeping him from falling apart. Katie was his glue.

  After a moment, he nodded to the antique clock. “Our time is up, Doc.”

  Without waiting for a response, he grabbed his coat off the sofa’s armrest and headed for the door. He’d fulfilled his responsibilities; it kept his parents happy. His hand rested on the doorknob, waiting for the okay from her.