Playing Her Secret Crush

by Casey Griffin

  Alex’s feet stopped moving and a Transformer nearly ran into them. He barely noticed. “He did?”

  His mouth felt dry, and he wasn’t even sure his words made a sound with the loud beat in the background. Suddenly, it felt like a confirmation of all his fears, of his doubts and insecurities. Maybe the only reason Katie continued hanging out with him after Jason’s death was out of some sense of obligation, to take care of the little brother. He wondered if, when they’d kissed, she’d thought of Jason. Did he remind her of him?

  It all felt so heavy on his chest, making it impossible to breathe again. Katie had been right. The kiss was a mistake.

  …

  They weren’t dancing anymore. Alex seemed surprised by the confession of her promise to Jason. At least, she thought he was surprised. It was hard to tell his expression beneath his Batman mask.

  Katie was supposed to be talking to Alex about their kiss, explaining what it really meant to her and why they should do it again and again and again. Now was the perfect time. It might be the only time they were alone that weekend. But being in his arms, in their costumes, her face so close to his, reminded her of the Halloween store. She could practically feel his lips on hers again. It all rushed back to her, the way he’d made her feel when he’d held her, like she was the only girl for him. Number one.

  All this talk of Jason had her thinking about her promise to him. She recalled the day, about two weeks before he died. Alex had gone down to the cafeteria for food, and Jason and Katie were left alone in his hospital room. His eyes were drooping from all the drugs. Now that he’d taken a turn for the worse, the nurses were giving him more.

  She thought he might have fallen asleep when he said, “Katie Warner. You’re different… So different from the kinds of girls I’ve dated, anyway. Better.”

  She snorted. “I think the drugs are really frying your brain.”

  “No. Just my liver,” he joked. She chuckled because she knew he liked to make light of his illness. He said it was so he could laugh in its face.

  “I’m serious, though,” he said. “You’re the kind of girl I should have dated, someone I could really care about, who would care about me. Not about what kind of car I drive, what party I could get you into, what position I play on the football team, or my luscious locks.”

  She rolled her eyes because he’d long since shaved off what little there was left. “Stop…”

  “I mean it.” He reached out and held her hand. “You’re a great friend, and I want to know that when I’m gone, my brother will have someone like you around. You’re a good girl, Katie. Take care of Alex. He can be stubborn and doesn’t always know what’s good for him.”

  After two years of being best friends with Alex, Katie knew Jason had been right. She was good for him.

  She liked to think she’d kept him grounded and sane over the last two years just being there for him and had kept him from hurting himself every time he wanted to try a new extreme sport. She was his voice of reason, the one who Googled all the safety precautions. She’d even taken first aid, just in case. If it weren’t for her, she was pretty sure he’d be dead by now.

  And Alex was good for Katie, too. He helped her step out of her comfort zone, pushed her to try new things, and kept her from crawling into complete antisocial behavior with her shyness. He kept her spirits up when she didn’t feel like the prettiest or coolest. Without him, she was pretty sure she’d be a shut-in. She would hardly be living at all.

  They were good for each other, balanced the other out. Clearly Jason had thought so, as well. And because Alex had kissed her, maybe he saw it, too.

  She thought of Jason’s advice to Alex, to live life to the fullest and her own plan to be more confident, more outgoing, and knew what she had to do. Just try.

  Ignoring her racing heart, that dizzy feeling she got when she thought she was going to pass out, she took a page out of Alex’s book and seized the day. Standing on her tiptoes, she leaned in and kissed him.

  She could feel Alex freeze beneath all the stuffed muscles in his suit, his posture stiffening. For a second, she was afraid he’d pull away. As though she could hold him there, she cupped his face in her hands, feeling the plastic mask beneath her fingers. The moment she touched his cheek, he melted against her.

  His arms tightened around her until she felt consumed by him. As he bent closer, pressing his lips harder against hers, kissing her deeper, his cape wrapped around the two of them. It was like being enveloped in warm darkness, alone among the sea of moving bodies that drifted around them.

  She could sense the urgency take over like during their first kiss, the way he gripped her, pulled her to him, his tongue hungry to taste her again. He kissed her almost desperately, and she knew this was how it was supposed to be all along.

  His arms came up to her shoulders, as though to draw her even closer. Then his hands clamped down, and he pushed her back as he wrenched away.

  It happened so suddenly that Katie felt like she was falling, left in midair without a parachute. She stumbled backward, and her eyes flew open. “What…?”

  Her confused gaze landed on his face. When he slipped off the mask, his expression was tortured, like instead of enjoying their kiss, it had caused him nothing but pain.

  “Katie…” His chest rose and fell heavily as he stared at her. “I…I can’t.”

  She grimaced like she was swallowing razorblades, shaking her head as though it couldn’t be true. He can. He did. “What? But I-I thought…”

  His face screwed up and he looked away. “I just can’t think of you that way.”

  Her throat tightened, strangling her from within. She gasped for air. “If not like that then what way do you think of me?” Her voice sounded angry to her own ears, and she realized it was because she was. She was angry.

  Why would he even kiss her, then? Again! Why would he get her hopes up, only to break her heart? Only now, she realized that it had been breaking for the last two years, every time she saw him with another girl.

  She hadn’t realized she was backing away until he gripped her shoulders and held her still. “Katie, you’re my best friend. I think the world of you. You know that.”

  “But you think more of Lexi,” she said, brushing him off. “And Jennifer and Stacey and Charlene and Kendra.”

  He held up his hands. “Wait, what? Lexi and I are just friends now. And as for the other girls, I don’t think anything of them. They mean nothing to me. I went on a few dates with them.”

  She wrapped her arms around herself. “They meant nothing, and yet you chose them over me. You chose everyone else over me.”

  “Chose them for what?”

  “Two years, Alex. For two years, I’ve loved you, and I’ve had to watch you go through every girl in the yearbook. I’ve even helped set you up with some of them.”

  His eyes grew wide and his mouth opened and closed a few times, but nothing came out. When he didn’t say anything, she ran her hands though her curled hair.

  “God, I’ve been so stupid,” she said.

  “Wait a minute,” he said. “I thought you said our kiss was a mistake.”

  She laughed, if only to stop herself from crying. “The only mistake I made was not kissing you sooner.” She met his eyes and searched them, but all she found was confusion. “For so long I thought that I wasn’t good enough to date you. That I didn’t deserve you. But if you can’t see how great I am, then maybe it’s you who doesn’t deserve me.”

  She didn’t know what she expected him to say. Excuses maybe. The old “You’re great, but…” “It’s not you. It’s me.” She hadn’t expected to see tears form in his eyes. Alex Masse did not cry over girls.

  “You’re right,” he said. “I don’t.” Then he turned and walked away.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Alex strolled in front of a line of the world’s most expensive and sought-after cars—and more importantly, the fastest. He admired the spoiler on the Lamborghini. The McLaren’s air
scoops caught his eye. The Aston Martin’s V-12 engine cried out to be opened up. But it was the Ferrari that he finally stopped in front of.

  He wasn’t sure if he liked the Ferrari because it was his favorite car or because it had been his brother’s. Jason had dreamed of owning a Ferrari one day, once he became an NFL champion, that is. Then he became sick, and it was clear his football dreams were over before they’d begun. After that, his Ferrari money was going to come from a Major League Gaming sponsorship.

  Jason was always dreaming, always working toward something, striving to take every opportunity life gave him. At least he’d been that way until the doctors told him “any day now.” After that, he sort of gave up. He just hung out with Alex and their parents. He never talked about his future plans anymore with that unwavering optimism of his.

  Despite seeing his strong, muscular older brother waste away over the months, despite setbacks and bad news, that had been the saddest moment for Alex. Because before that, at least Jason had hope. He’d been convinced that positivity and hope alone could cure him. And then he lost the hope. Two weeks later, he died.

  “So, is this your car?” Matt, the instructor, asked.

  Alex rounded the Ferrari, eyeing the rims and running a hand across the curves. “This is the one,” he said with an excited grin.

  “Nice choice.” Matt punched something into his tablet. “Okay, you’re all set. Put on your helmet and hop in.”

  Alex squeezed the tight racing helmet onto his head, popped open the door, and slipped behind the wheel. Dressed in his flame-resistant jumpsuit, he felt like a professional racecar driver.

  Once he was all strapped in, the instructor leaned against the Ferrari, speaking through the open window. “How are you feeling?”

  How was he feeling? Actually…terrible.

  He felt like a jerk for what happened with Katie. He felt shocked that she’d kissed him, and disappointed in himself for kissing her back, even after he’d promised himself he wouldn’t. He was angry with himself for not reacting the right way, and sorry that Katie had been hurt because of it all. But mostly, he felt confused.

  For two years, I’ve loved you.

  Sure, they’d kissed at the costume store, but she’d said it was a mistake. Two years. Was he really so oblivious? How had he not noticed? Or maybe it’s just that he hadn’t wanted to, couldn’t let himself.

  No wonder he’d woken up that morning in dire need of some distraction, not to mention adrenaline. Luckily, the Supercar Speedway had an open track time in the morning. It left him plenty of time to get back for the start of the Conquerors tournament in the afternoon.

  “A little nervous?” Matt asked when he didn’t answer right away. “Don’t be. You did great in the simulator. I’ve been an instructor here for a long time, and before that, I raced professionally for eight years. If you were going to choke, I’d know it. I can tell you’ve got guts, kid.”

  Alex gripped the steering wheel, feeling the seat hug his body. “I’m not nervous. Just excited. Let’s get started already.”

  “That’s what I like to hear,” Matt said. “I’ll be with you every step of the way, giving you instructions through your headset. Just remember your training and have fun.”

  When Alex finally pulled up to the starting line next to the other thrill seekers, the track spread out before him, the pavement smooth and dark like it had been recently paved. Stripes of color ran on either side of the driving area, sometimes red and white like candy canes to guide them through the winding course. Around him, engines roared with impatience as they geared up for their ten laps.

  Lined up next to all the other cars, Alex could imagine it was a real Formula One race. He already felt the numbing adrenaline flowing through his veins, diluting everything else, forcing his worries to the back of his mind. He took a deep breath. Fumes of fresh fuel mixed with hot rubber and asphalt. The heady scent made his head whirl with anticipation.

  A girl in tight booty shorts approached the start line, a checkered flag in hand. She climbed a set of stairs up to a simple platform. It must have been just for effect because there was a light in front of them that was easier to see and more accurate—but much less pretty.

  “Are you ready?” Matt’s voice inquired through his headset.

  “Ready.”

  Alex was definitely ready, ready to feel the thrill of the speed, the surge of adrenaline, the racing of his heart. He was ready to feel anything but the pressure in his chest, that awful urgency ready to strangle him.

  Closing his eyes, he willed it to stop. He didn’t want to think about that anymore. He didn’t want to think about the look on Katie’s face as he pushed her away at the dance. He didn’t want to think about Katie at all. And yet, when the light turned green and his foot came down, all he could see was her.

  The cars around him took off like he was standing still. The engine roared until he thought his ears might bleed. The voice in his helmet told him to switch gears.

  “Sorry,” he mumbled, moving his thumb over the red lever on the wheel to grab a gear.

  “That’s okay,” Matt said. “Paddle gear shifters are tricky to get used to.”

  Alex gave himself a mental shake. He’d used up all his Maxware spending money—and more—on this experience, and it was likely he wouldn’t get to do it again anytime soon. It was time to focus.

  He stepped on it, and the car practically leapt forward, the throttle touchy. The Ferrari was hungry to devour the road and spit it back out.

  Within seconds, his V-12 engine closed the gap between him and the stragglers near the back. Maybe they were a little hesitant, because they practically pulled over to let him pass like it was the interstate.

  Matt’s voice chimed in his ears again. “You can make up lost ground if you hug the inside on the next hard corner.”

  “On my way,” he said, turning the wheel.

  The paint that lined the sides of the track bled together until the candy cane stripes turned pink outside his window. The faster he went, the more he was pulled into the back of his seat by what felt like his belly button. Everything became a blur except for what was in front of him, second by second.

  “Nice work,” Matt said. “I knew that adrenaline would kick in.”

  His words tugged at a memory, coaxing it forward when he was only trying to push it away. Alex couldn’t help but remember what Katie had said to him in her hotel room.

  Sometimes I think your cravings for that rush are getting worse, and I’m afraid you’ll go too far.

  How far would he go? How fast would he have to go in order to leave everything behind, to stay in the moment? It was getting harder and harder with his chest growing tighter all the time.

  Then there was Katie. God, Katie. How was he going to fix things with her? What was he supposed to say about her confession, about that kiss? How would he explain why he’d kissed her back again? Why, in that moment, it had felt so right when he wasn’t supposed to be in love with his brother’s girl. If she didn’t already know about Jason’s feelings for her, would it be a betrayal to tell her?

  Round and round his thoughts and worries went as he drove round and round the track. He pressed the accelerator harder, and the Ferrari responded savagely, eager to go faster. But no matter how fast he went, he couldn’t seem to leave his problems behind.

  Alex was coming up on the leader now, a Lamborghini. There was only one lap left to go. He gave it all he had. Knuckles white, he gripped the steering wheel, feeling it jerk and jump beneath his hands.

  The Lambo stuck to the inside, weaving back and forth to maintain the most direct line through the snaking track. Alex pulled to the outside, coming up hot. Before he could pass, they swerved, blocking him. Growling in frustration, Alex tried for the open inside lane, but he was cut off again.

  “Remember,” said the voice inside his helmet. “There are no winners or losers today. It’s just an experience. One you want to walk away from.”

  The finish l
ine was around the next bend. The Lambo overshot the last turn, leaving an opening.

  Alex cranked the wheel, aiming for it.

  “Don’t take things too far,” came the voice again, and he could have sworn it was Katie’s. Her pretty face flashed through his mind.

  How far will you go, Alex?

  The wheel wrenched out of Alex’s grip. Fat tires screeched. He wasn’t sure what happened next. Everything became a blur—the track, the Lambo, and his thoughts.

  “Alex!” the voice rang in his ears.

  For a moment, he couldn’t tell up from down. All he knew was spinning and tumbling, the sound of metal and plastic crumpling. His arms flailed and his body jerked. Wide eyes took in ground, sky, ground, sky, ground…

  As his head snapped from side to side, pressure built inside of it like he was on a fair ride, but his body remained strapped in snugly, like a bear was giving him a hug. All he could do was hold his breath and wait. Hope.

  His mind emptied of everything. A moment of distinct clarity washed over him. His life didn’t flash before his eyes. Glimpses of his best memories didn’t play back like a cheesy movie montage. Thoughts sharpening, they honed in on one thing, like nothing else in the world mattered: Katie.

  As hard as he tried, no one could ever replace her in his heart. It could never be anyone else. It had always been Katie.

  Her face flashed through his mind again, and he felt a sense of calm awareness. If this was going to be his last moments in life, if this was really it, he wanted to spend them with her. He wanted to kiss her again and never stop.

  Alex knew someone was calling his name, but he could barely hear it over the ringing in his ears and the sound of metal scraping on pavement. When the world finally stopped spinning, it was upside down.

  People in the sky—or maybe it was the ground—rushed toward him with fire extinguishers. Sirens blared nearby. The pressure kept building inside his head until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore.

  Then everything went black.

  Chapter Fifteen