Dirty Hope

by P. Jameson

  It will always be there.

  He hoped that was true. Because even this strange pain behind his sternum would be better than a life without her in it.

  Chapter Ten

  Barb laid her head on Adam’s shoulder, her mind racing with explanations for why the bond that should be so sweet, was painful for him.

  It shouldn’t be this way. Her vixen pawed at her, needing to make it right. The bond is too strong.

  Too strong, and too soon.

  Adam was willing to move forward, but this proved he wasn’t ready.

  There had been such a mixture of sensations running through their connection that she felt like she’d experienced emotional whiplash. But what kept her holding on right now was what she felt radiating from him at Red Cap. That liberation. The release of guilt. The heavy weight that lifted when he finally got everything off his chest. The relief they’d both experienced when they kissed. If she could do more of that for him…

  I need you. His words gave her strength.

  Whatever he was feeling now might hurt, but there were also so many good emotions that he’d accidentally laid bare for her. She wouldn’t let those go unnoticed.

  They just needed to work through all the bad shit, and everything would be okay.

  Barb focused on her own feelings in the moment, pushing her love through the bond that had grown too strong too quickly.

  “Maybe it would help if we talked about it.”

  “Talk about what?” he murmured, his arm tightening around her.

  “About… your past.”

  He stiffened and she knew he hadn’t been expecting that.

  “About what happened to Karly,” she pushed.

  “It’s not my favorite subject.” His voice was hard and the instant sadness she felt in their bond took her breath away.

  “No, of course not. But maybe that’s part of feeling better, getting it all out in the open.”

  He was quiet for a long time and Barb let him think it over. If he was going to do this, it had to be his decision.

  “We were so damn young,” he whispered, and that was all he said for unmeasured minutes.

  Barb found his hand and entwined her fingers with his for strength.

  “We had a perfect life, me and her. So perfect, yet so flawed. We thought we had an eternity to get things right. Weren’t afraid of messing up, because there was always time to fix it. Until there wasn’t.”

  His hand brushed along Barb’s hair as he continued. It would be soothing if he wasn’t telling her such a sad story.

  “The baby was sick and needed some medicine. Karly had been with her all day and by the time I got home, she needed a break. I suggested she run to the drug store while I take care of Megan. I figured it would be good for her, the quiet time alone in the car. She worried about leaving, but I kissed her goodbye, promised we’d be fine until she got back. I didn’t know that would be the last time.”

  Barb’s heart ached for him. Losing anyone you loved was horrible. But losing them unexpectedly would be another level of hell altogether.

  “Hours ticked by and I called Ma to see if she could watch Megan so I could go look for her. I was about to walk out the door when the sheriff pulled up to the curb, lights flashing and everything. I knew it was bad, but I still didn’t think…” He shook his head. “Karly had run off the road and into a ditch. She was pronounced dead at the scene.” His voice was a mere rasp. “And just like that, there was no more time. No more time to say sorry for the shitty things or to show how much I loved her or to make her laugh. Everything just… ended. My perfect world ended, and I was left to carry on.”

  The finality in his tone gave Barb chills. She imagined what it would feel like if anything happened to him. Her vixen whimpered. To have the one thing you loved most ripped from you in a heartbeat. It was a special kind of darkness her mate faced. But he wasn’t alone.

  I’m here.

  “I’m sorry you went through this.” The ache in her voice betrayed what was in her heart.

  “I’ve never talked about it with anyone,” he said. “Not even the guys.”

  “Do you feel any better?”

  She watched his jaw work on a hard swallow. “I feel fucking raw. Like being scraped from the inside out.”

  Well, shit. That didn’t sound better at all.

  But he found her lips and gave them a tender kiss. Somehow, the sharp edges she felt in their bond dulled a little. Pushing up, he deepened the kiss until only the good feelings remained. She felt him harden against her leg and he kissed his way down her body again.

  Barb moaned as he laved her nipples and nudged her legs apart, readying her for another hot ride.

  “I know you can’t have perfection twice,” he murmured against her skin. “It’s a once in a lifetime thing.” He pushed in, filling her again as he found her eyes. “But I’m starting to think this is pretty damn close.”

  You can’t have perfection twice.

  He was wrong about that.

  Loving once, didn’t mean you could never love again. She was placing her bets that his heart was big enough.

  Please let me be right.

  ***

  Two weeks later, Adam stood before another broken machine. This one, a washing machine at Old Man Hubbard’s hotel. The cantankerous thing needed replacing, but Old Man, or OMG, as the girls called him, insisted it just needed some TLC.

  Adam humored him because he liked spending time here, chatting with the man.

  This time, it was Sally that called him in though, and she stood close by, watching over his shoulder.

  She was either trying to learn how to fix it herself, or more likely, trying to get information out of him.

  Nosy vixen.

  “It won’t get fixed any faster if you stand there,” he told her.

  “You sure? Because it’s been said that I have a way of making things come to life,” she sniffed. “That’s what Rider says at least.”

  Adam shook his head, a smirk playing at his lips. “Rider would say anything to make you smile, I’m sure.”

  Sally gave a mock gasp. “Are you saying he lied about my hotness? How dare you. He says I’m a V7 on the Vagita Scale.”

  “A what?”

  “A V-fucking-7. That’s one level higher than even exists.”

  He pulled his gaze away from the machine. “On what scale?”

  Sally blinked. Twice. “The Vagita Scale,” she said as if everyone knew what that was. “You know, like the Fujita Scale that measures tornados and shit. Well, my version measures how much damage a pussy can do.”

  Was she serious? This was a thing they discussed, her and Rider?

  “Look,” Adam said, wrench hanging from his hand as he stared at her. “Point is, you can leave. I’ll let you know when I finish.” He turned back to the machine before muttering, “Barb would be a V8.”

  “Ha!” Sally’s voice boomed in the small room. “I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!” she exclaimed, jumping up and down. She pumped her fist in the air. “Yessssss.”

  “I didn’t know you’d be so happy we were together,” he replied lamely. He glanced over his shoulder to see her shit-eating grin.

  “Oh, I don’t care about that. I just won the bet I had with Lexington.” She lay her palm flat open to the sky and used her other hand to pass out invisible dollar bills. “Dollahs in the bank, honey. That’s the only thing I get excited about.” Yeah, right. She wasn’t fooling him. “That and Rider’s cock, but you don’t want to hear about that.”

  Adam choked at her response, coughing to clear his throat. “No, I most definitely don’t want to hear about that.”

  “Besides,” she said. “I already knew you two were going at it like horny toads. Evidence: Barb hasn’t slept in her bed for the past week and when she comes home in the morning, she’s looking like several rounds of body bumping went down.” Sally nodded appreciatively. “Nice going, man. I didn’t think you had it in you… to ya know… put it in her
… like that… or… well, I think I’ll shut up now.”

  Adam felt his face turning red. “Yeah. Good idea.” Grown ass man, and this woman uttering a few crass phrases had him blushing all to hell.

  He went back to work on the machine, trying his best to ignore her. But the silence only lasted five minutes.

  “Sooooo when do you think she’ll move in?”

  Adam’s wrench slipped and a curse left his lips. “How would I know?”

  Truth was, Barb wasn’t moving in. She couldn’t even stay overnight.

  Every night he lost himself in giving her pleasure, and taking it. He wouldn’t change a thing about what he was feeling. No regrets. But the pain that came afterward, was still a real and present thing.

  Whatever. He was no stranger to pain, and for her, he would take every second of it. Because she gave him so much more. She made him happy. Taught him to smile again. And for the first time in so long, he found himself excited for each new day. After living in darkness for so many years, the light she brought to his life was blinding and fucking beautiful… even if he was forced to blink because it hurt.

  But the mating bond meant she could feel the pain too. So when they were finished making love, she always left, thinking her absence would make it fade. He told himself it was for the best. So Megan wouldn’t find her there in the morning and ask questions that would be hard for him to answer. But really, he hated waking up alone. Hated not holding her while he slept. And he hated that she blamed herself for what was going on inside him.

  Adam pressed his palm to his chest where the ache was.

  “It’s growth,” Sally murmured, sounding serious for the first time. “Hurts like a bitch sometimes.”

  Adam stared at her, trying to hide the shame he felt. He wasn’t the same as the others. The mating bond was wrecking him instead of healing. “No one ever told me it would be painful.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Everyone is different. Some have it easy when they bond. But others have more to fix. You land in that group of people, I’d say. Your heart’s all chipped and cracked and pieces are missing. You need spackle and fiberglass and something to sand that shit down. It’s not gonna feel good for a while. What you and Barb are building… it’s shit right now, just making it on pure need and what you feel for each other.” Adam stiffened at her appraisal of their relationship. “Which is fucking sweet as hell, don’t get me wrong. Man, if two people were ever more right for each other…” She shook her head. “But it’s all in the air right now. If you’re strong enough to stick with it, through all the hard shit, and grow a solid bond, then… you’ll deserve her.”

  He wanted to deserve her. Damn, he wanted that.

  He just had to figure out how she fit into his heart when it was still so broken.

  Chapter Eleven

  “You feel so good, princess.” Adam’s guttural confession rattled through Barb’s body as he pounded her hips in a punishing rhythm. God, she loved him like this. So wild. Loving her furiously, and with his entire being.

  She loved it because for this moment in time, there were only good feelings. Pleasure and that sweet, sweet build to release. For a little while, they could ignore the big glaring problem in their relationship.

  The pain.

  Adam stopped moving and stared down at her. “Why are you sad?”

  His question made her smile even with the dread settling on her shoulders. “You can feel that?”

  He frowned, still inside of her. “Of course. Now answer me.”

  “You’ve never mentioned you could feel me strong enough to name the emotion.”

  He pulled back and thrust forward hard enough to make her eyes roll back in her head. “You didn’t answer my question. One minute, I can feel you, loving what I’m doing to your body. The next, just sadness.”

  If he could feel all that, their bond had grown even stronger.

  Which meant more pain.

  Adam kissed her hard and pulled back to drive her mad with his hips again. “Stop it,” he rumbled. “Stop thinking about it.” Oh, who was she kidding. He knew exactly what was jamming her up. He buried his face in her neck, whispering, “I want to feel you come undone again. I want to make your vixen purr for me.”

  “Mine,” she breathed, desperately wanting to scratch him with her claws.

  “Say it again.”

  She groaned the word wishing it could finally be true.

  Gripping her hips, he went to his knees, forcing her up and down on his cock until she was screaming with an earth-shattering orgasm.

  “Fuck,” he growled, collapsing on top of her as his body jerked with release. They gasped for breath, holding each other tight.

  It was coming. The pain was coming, welling up in her chest as it reverberated through him.

  It was time to go.

  The aftereffects were happening sooner and sooner each time they were together. She wondered if next time the pain would bleed into their lovemaking and poison that too. And how long could he really do this? How could they make a life when it hurt so much to be together?

  Why aren’t we fixing him? she asked her animal, but the beast had no answers. Just more sadness.

  Then the answer came to her plain as day. Because he doesn’t love you.

  The bond wasn’t healing him because it was missing the most important component.

  His love.

  Adam didn’t love her. Not in the forever way.

  Goddamn it.

  Tears pricked her eyes. She’d been lying to herself all along thinking hers could be enough. But it simply wasn’t.

  Adam rolled onto his back to stare at the ceiling, rubbing absently at his chest.

  “I have to go,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”

  He said nothing as she stood to put her clothes on. Her hands shook while she unraveled the tank top he’d peeled off hours earlier. The sides were rolled in and the straps were tangled. It was as hopeless as their situation.

  “No,” he said.

  Barb turned to find him glaring at the empty space above his head. “What?”

  His gaze flipped to her, eyes intense and foreboding. “You’re not leaving this time.”

  “Adam…”

  “When you leave…” His voice cracked and he swallowed hard, clearing his throat before continuing. “It gets worse, not better. And if that means I’m even more fucked up than I thought, well then… that’s just how it is. It fucking hurts when you leave. Don’t do it anymore.”

  Barb’s chest ached with guilt she could barely stomach. God, how unfair was this. How absolutely unfair to be bonded to someone you didn’t love. Was this what the woman of her skulk felt when they were forced into unwanted matings?

  Her throat closed up as she realized what a hypocrite she was. Adam cared for her, he did. She knew it deep in her soul. She meant a lot to him. But his love… the part of him that could only be given willingly… his love forever belonged to a woman who no longer lived.

  Yet, he kept trying to make this work with Barb. He wanted to make it work. Wanted it enough to hurt for it. But love should never hurt.

  My brave and broken mate, I’m so sorry.

  She swallowed down her own pain. She had to help him.

  “Okay,” she whispered. “I’ll stay.”

  She eased back into bed, turning on her side to face him. He stared at her, expression tense and hopeless. She hated what this was doing to him.

  He closed the distance between them to swipe his thumb across her cheek, brushing away a tear she didn’t realize had fallen.

  “It won’t always be like this,” he said. “We just need time.”

  Time wouldn’t fix this. She knew what she had to do.

  “I’m going to make this better. I promise.”

  She would go to the Ouachita witches and ask for their help. Ask them for a spell that could break this mating bond so Adam would be free. He couldn’t accept that loving once, and losing didn’t mean you couldn’t love again. An
d that was okay. It was okay. He didn’t need to love Barb for her to love him back.

  And she did love him. Boy, did she.

  She would prove it by setting him free of this thing that pained him so much. She’d go tomorrow. But first, she’d take this night, just one night, to feel everything hard. She would memorize his scent, his touch, the times he’d shown his feelings for her. She’d take all that and hide it deep in her heart to remember later if she ever wanted to torture herself with the sweet times.

  Worth it, her vixen whimpered.

  It was worth a shattered heart to know that she’d done the right thing by him.

  She would wear the cracks proudly.

  ***

  It only took a few hours for the Ouachita witches to cast the spell to break the mating bond, but only because they’d already been working on creating such a spell. For what reason, they didn’t say, and Barb didn’t ask. But they warned her it was still new magic and there was no telling what could happen long term. They advised she keep her distance from Adam in order to maintain the break.

  She’d known right away the spell worked. Her vixen had writhed and cried. And she’d done a bit of that herself.

  She was only gone a day and a night, but when she pulled into the parking lot at Old Man Hubbard’s, it felt like she’d been away years.

  Turning off the ignition, she blew out a breath and rubbed her eyes. They were swollen and blotchy from crying. There was nothing to be done about that. She’d stayed overnight at the lodge owned by the werecats so she could have some time to mourn without her friends worrying too much. If any of them knew where she’d gone or what she’d done…

  She jumped, yelping when someone knocked on the driver’s side window. It was Seraphina. She frowned when she noticed Barb’s eyes.

  Opening the door, Barb stepped out of the car and stretched her back. It was a long drive and she’d done it without stopping.

  “What’s wrong?” Seraphina cut right to the point.