1001 Dark Nights: Bundle Nine

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “You need to stay warm, Jason. Have you eaten today? Let me get you something to eat.” He wouldn’t take him to Taboo, though it was the closest. He didn’t want to bring Hailey into this. Or bring this to Hailey. She’d see the darkness beneath his skin and know the truth.

  “I can still hear them screaming.” Jason faced Sloane fully. “Why did we live? Why did I have to be in the truck behind you guys? I should have been in your truck like normal. But I got in the other one when we ran out of that last building. I got into the wrong one. And now they’re dead and I’m here and it doesn’t make sense.”

  Sloane clenched his jaw and put his hand on Jason’s shoulder. “Let’s get you something to eat, Jason.”

  The other man shook his head. “I’m okay.”

  He wasn’t. But then again, neither was Sloane. “Let me give you some money for later, then.” He pulled out his wallet and took out the rest of the bills he had in there. It wasn’t much, but it was something. He stuffed them into the pocket of the jacket he’d given Jason and squeezed the man’s shoulder. “Be safe, Jason. Please.” Tears pricked at his eyes and he forced them away. He didn’t have a right to cry. Not anymore.

  “I always am, Sloane. That’s the problem. Isn’t it?” With that, Jason shuffled off, his hands in his new pockets.

  Sloane stood there for another few minutes, watching Jason walk away and knowing he hadn’t done enough. He never did.

  “Sloane?”

  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, breaking inside once more. Hailey’s voice broke him into a thousand pieces, and yet he knew he couldn’t show her that. Wouldn’t. She’d seen it. What had she heard? What would she do?

  “Go inside, Hailey.”

  He heard her move toward him, but he kept his attention focused on the direction where Jason had disappeared.

  “No. I won’t. You’re cold out here.”

  “Then you’re cold, too. So go inside.”

  “Sloane.” So much depth, so much emotion in that one word.

  He wasn’t good enough for her. He was too dirty. Too unclean. He’d let the others die. He hadn’t been enough. Their deaths slid over his skin as if it owned him. He wasn’t what she needed. Regardless that he loved her. He was too rough, too on edge. Too full of guilt and sin.

  She wouldn’t leave him, not unless he pushed. And if he didn’t push, he’d shatter her more. He’d have to break her right then.

  “It’s over, Hailey. I can’t do this anymore. We had our time and it was fun, but I can’t do it. We’re just too different.”

  “Look at my face when you say that. Look at my face when you try to end it without telling me anything at all.”

  He turned then to face her. They stood in the middle of the sidewalk, though it was too cold outside for many people to be out and about. The others in the shop stood at the windows, staring, but he had to get this over with. He had to protect her from him.

  “We had what we had, but I’m not made for long term. You’re made for so much more than me. So it’s over.”

  She pushed at his chest and growled. “Stop it. Stop acting like this. This isn’t who you are.”

  “I’m exactly this, Hailey.” He gripped her wrists and pushed her back. “I’m nothing. Don’t you get that? You don’t know me at all and that’s my fault, but fuck, everything’s my fault. So just walk away now.”

  “You’re the one walking away. Not me.”

  “Then let me walk.”

  With that, he turned on his heel and headed to the alley that would lead him to the parking lot. He had his wallet and keys and didn’t need anything else from the shop. He’d just broken the one woman he’d promised to never hurt, but he hadn’t had a choice. If he’d have stayed, she’d have been marred.

  He’d let those close to him down before, let them burn and die and scream.

  He couldn’t do the same to her.

  * * * *

  Hailey watched him walk away and wondered what the hell had just happened. How could he do that? How could he leave her standing in the middle of the sidewalk as if nothing had happened?

  Oh, she’d known he’d do something like this soon, she’d felt it, but she hadn’t known it would hurt this much. It shouldn’t hurt this much. Right? She rubbed her breastbone and tried to keep the tears from falling. She would not cry. If she did, then it would be final, he’d really be gone and she’d have done nothing about it.

  For a moment, an agonizing moment, she thought him leaving was truly about her. Maybe it was about her scars, maybe it was about what he’d seen when he’d traced her. But then she mentally hit herself upside the head and pushed those thoughts away.

  Sloane hadn’t lied to her about what he felt about her body. He couldn’t fake that. And damn it, she’d spent years learning to love herself for who she was and what she’d overcome. She’d be damned if she let herself tear all that away.

  He’d left because of something within himself he hadn’t been able to run from, hadn’t been able to bury deep enough. She knew he’d kept secrets for far too long, had hidden who he was, but she’d thought they’d have longer to figure it all out.

  This Jason had been the catalyst for Sloane cutting his ties. She didn’t know exactly what had happened, but she’d figure it out…if she could.

  From what she could tell, Sloane saw a man within himself that he thought wasn’t for her. He’d put her on a damn pedestal and thrown himself into the depths of hell.

  She saw a man that was worthy. A man that had fought and come out ahead. He put everything he could into his life and who he was, even if he’d tried to keep his past firmly in the past. Yet the man didn’t believe in himself.

  “You need to come inside,” Maya said from behind her. “It’s fucking cold out here, and watching him walk away isn’t going to help.”

  Hailey turned on her heel and wrapped her arms around herself. “He left,” she breathed, her voice slightly cracking. “How could he just leave?”

  Maya held her arms open, and Hailey moved toward the other woman but not close enough to take the hug.

  “If you hug me right now, I’ll cry. Be the bitch I know you can be and get ragey with me.”

  Maya grimaced and tugged on Hailey’s arm before dragging her into the shop. “I’ll be a bitch in a minute. Let me make sure you don’t have freaking frostbite or something.”

  Callie had a mug in her hand and a frown on her face. “I made you hot cocoa, but it’s not as good as when you make it. And I can never get the chocolate shavings right.”

  Hailey smiled despite herself and took the mug from Callie’s hands. “I’m sure it’s wonderful. Thank you, Callie.” She took a sip and let out a breath. “Sugary,” she mumbled. She twisted her mouth. “How many people saw him walk away from me?”

  Austin pressed her shoulders and forced her to sit in the front chair. He crouched in front of her, his eyes full of knowing. “Not that many.” His voice was deep and reminded her of Sloane’s.

  She would not cry.

  Not now.

  Maybe not ever.

  If she cried, then she’d break; she’d show she’d given up. And she couldn’t do that. Not yet.

  “Enough, though,” she whispered.

  Autumn squeezed in between Austin and the front desk, her eyes wet. “No one’s really outside since it’s so cold, and no one in Taboo would have been able to see at that angle. So it was just us in the shop. The two clients were in their chairs so they couldn’t see either. They’re over at Taboo getting a much-needed food break.”

  “It was just us, Hailey,” Callie said softly. “And we’re here for you.”

  Hailey took a sip of the cocoa Callie must have made over at Taboo. Normally, Hailey didn’t allow those at Montgomery Ink to work behind the counter, but she didn’t have the energy to care about that right then.

  “He’s an asshole, Hailey,” Maya said. “He’s an asshole for leaving like he did, but he’s our asshole. Just think about it, okay? He
pushed you away for a reason.”

  Hailey took another sip. “I know he left for a reason. I know he pushed me away for that same reason. He’s just kept that so close to the vest for all these years, it’s hard to break through it. I know I shouldn’t put him on the same timetable for revealing his secrets as I put myself, but when he does this? Maybe I should have pushed.”

  Austin let out a breath then squeezed her knee. “Maybe you should have. Maybe we should have. Fuck. I’ve known Sloane for longer than you have, and I still don’t know about his past. I don’t know the reasons he sometimes takes a week or two off and needs to be alone. I tried to ask once, and he shut me down. I let him shut me down. Friends don’t do that shit. So you’re not alone in this, Hailey.”

  But she felt alone. She couldn’t help it. He hadn’t pushed the others away as he had her. She loved him, and yet she hadn’t been enough to chase away the darkness. If that was even her job to begin with was another story altogether. In fact, she didn’t need to chase away all of it, but to function, she needed to know of it. That was the difference.

  Resolved, she took a deep breath.

  “I’m not going to let him go that easily,” she said simply. “I’m not that kind of person. Even if we weren’t dating, we’re friends. I…I can’t see him hurting and not want to do something.”

  “We’re here if you need us,” Autumn said softly.

  “And if you need us to hold him down for you, we can do that, too,” Maya added, bringing a smile to Hailey’s face.

  “I might take you up on that.”

  “Make sure you make him grovel, though,” Maya said with a sad smile. “I mean, after you talk and you’re on the right path, make him grovel. Because he hurt you. He might have done it for a reason, but you’re hurt and that’s not okay.”

  Hailey pressed her lips together and nodded, tears once again threatening. “You can count on it,” she whispered.

  Sloane was hers, and she’d be damned if anyone took him away from her.

  Even him.

  Chapter Eight

  Sloane wanted a fucking drink but wasn’t about to use that to cope. He’d done his best not to when he came home from the desert, and he’d be damned if he did it now. But it was tempting. Damn tempting.

  He’d known it was going to hurt like hell when he finally let Hailey go, but he hadn’t known it would be this bad. It had only been a day, and yet the agonizing minutes had gone by way too slowly.

  He was such a fucking idiot, but there was nothing he could do about it now. He just prayed she’d be okay eventually, and hell, that he hadn’t lost his job at Montgomery Ink for leaving like he had.

  Seeing Jason like that had ripped him open. He’d bled with that man and had almost died with him. Yet what right did Sloane have to be happier than him? Choices had brought him to the place where he was, but did that mean he deserved the outcome of those choices?

  Hailey was far too good for him. She’d survived and thrived. He’d made it through his life, and that wasn’t the same. If she were with him, she’d know the truth.

  That he was stained with the blood of his fallen men. That he’d killed to protect them, but hadn’t done a good enough job. He’d killed to protect himself and his men, yet how could he live with that? He hadn’t been enough for the others and yet somehow he’d lived.

  He wasn’t going to end it—that wasn’t the kind of man he was—but he also couldn’t consciously bring another down with him.

  Hailey deserved better than that. Deserved better than him.

  The knock on the door surprised him, but it shouldn’t have. It was probably Austin here to kick his ass for leaving not only Hailey but also the shop. The big man could probably take him, and that was saying something.

  Without bothering to look out the peephole, he opened the door and froze.

  “Hailey,” he said, his voice a broken growl.

  She had her hands folded over her chest and a glare on her face. She looked hot as hell and even madder.

  “If you shut the door in my face, I’ll just keep knocking, so you better let me in.”

  Caught off guard and a little turned on, he moved to the side so she could storm past. And storm she did. She let out a small growl and turned on her heel.

  “Well? Close the door, Sloane. We have to talk.”

  He’d done his talking in front of Montgomery Ink. If he did it again, he wasn’t sure what he’d say.

  “I already said what I needed to.”

  “Well fuck you, Sloane Gordon. You need to let me talk, then. And when I’m done, you better be ready to talk or I’m going to kick your ass.”

  His eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything. He’d never seen her like this, but damn if he didn’t like it. He’d loved her passion before, but hell, this was something more.

  He finally closed the door, and she lifted her chin. Before he could take a step toward her—or away from her since his mind couldn’t figure it out—she stripped off her top so he could see her scars. He froze, unable to speak, to think. Her face was one of fury, but her stance that of strength.

  “You see this? This is all of me. I'm not going anywhere. You think I'm less of a woman because of what happened to me? You think I'm less of a person? I sure as hell don't think you're any less of a man because you have PTSD, are scarred, or had to go through hell. You need to talk to me. You got it? You need to tell me what is going on in that head of yours and know I'm going to be there. I was your friend before this and I'm not going away.”

  Sloane opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t formulate words.

  “I don’t know what happened over there because you won’t tell me. If you don’t want to go into the details, that’s fine. For now. Because you need to talk about it, Sloane. Hiding away from it clearly isn’t helping. I love you, Sloane, and you’re in pain. I hate to see it and yet there’s nothing I can do if you keep hiding. So, yeah, I’m standing here topless so you can see every inch of my pain, of my past. I’m not hiding anymore. Please don’t hide from me.”

  Shame covered him and Sloane took a step forward. He didn’t touch her, couldn’t if he wanted to think, but he let out a shuddering breath.

  He hadn’t missed that she’d told him she loved him. But could she love him without knowing the truth? He walked past her to the couch and heard the telltale sign of a sob. Fuck. He was messing this up.

  When he pulled the throw off the couch and wrapped it around her shoulders, she frowned at him. “I don’t want you to get cold.”

  “I don’t feel much of anything, Sloane.”

  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. She was here. Here and waiting. If he didn’t open himself up, she’d leave for good, and he’d always know he’d hurt her, scared her. Yet once he told her everything, she might leave anyway.

  But what way would hurt her less?

  “I’ve killed, Hailey.” He cleared his throat. “I’ve killed and hurt. I’ve watched the life drain out of someone’s eyes because I was ordered to. Because if I didn’t, they’d kill my men or me. I didn’t want to, never did, but I did it anyway.”

  She pressed her lips together. “I figured you had, Sloane. That doesn’t change what I think of you.”

  “It should, damn it.” He paced, running a hand over his head. Hair was just starting to scrape his palm and he knew he needed to shave again. That didn’t matter, though. The only thing that mattered was making sure Hailey understood what he was saying, understood why he’d left her standing on the street like he had.

  “I’m dirty, Hailey. I have blood on my hands that I’ll never wash off. No matter how many times I told the shrinks after I got out, they didn’t understand. The only ones that do are the ones that were over there with me.” He stopped pacing and met her gaze. “But out of all the men I went over there with, the only one that came back was Jason. And you saw him. He’s what I should be.”

  “Don’t say that. You know you’re not supposed to be that shadow.”

/>   He shook his head and let out a shout. “I damn well should. I lost everyone but Jason over there, and fuck it, I lost Jason there, too. He didn’t come back whole, no one did, but for some reason I came back with more than I should. How could I? That roadside bomb wiped out my unit. Fucking burned them to a crisp and I was forced to listen to it, to watch it. I almost bled out and burned with them, but I didn’t. Instead, I have to walk in this world every damn day knowing I’m not good enough. No matter what I do, I’ll never be worth it. I’ll have never earned my life. Jason didn’t die that day either, yet he left more on the field than I did.”

  “Sloane.” Tears slid down her cheeks, but he didn’t wipe them away like he normally would have. If he did, he’d break, and he was already shattered as it was.

  “Yes, I have PTSD. That doesn’t go away with the love of a good woman, with the ability to see that I have it. It’s never going to go away, Hailey. I might be able to look like I’m normal on most days, but sometimes I’m going to freak the fuck out. Sometimes I’m going to have nightmares. Sometimes I’m not going to be okay. How is that good enough for you? How can you stand to be with me knowing I’m not whole? I came home. Others didn’t. My friends had to die for me to be able to stand here in front of you. They were the ones that didn’t make it and yet because they died, I lived. I was able to make it out and yet their families will never know how much they meant to me.”

  She choked out a sob. “I’m not normal, Sloane. I’m sure as hell not whole. You said yourself I was more than my scars, and yet you don’t think you are as well? Scars aren’t just the ones on our skin, aren’t just what we can see when we look in the mirror. I know I have them inside, on my heart, on my soul. I know you have them, too. And I’m fine with it. I love the man in front of me, scars and all. Can’t you love him, too?”