1001 Dark Nights: Bundle Nine

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  Slowly, she sat straight up. Looked at me in disbelief. “That’s it?”

  “What’s it?” Like I didn’t know.

  “That’s it for tonight? I don’t want to leave you, come home with me, I’m so glad you’re here…and after everything we did tonight, all you can say is I should take you back?” She threw my words back at me.

  “Yeah. I guess so.” I shifted uncomfortably. “You were expecting something else?”

  “Oh my God. Whatever. Fine.” She got off the bed and scooped her panties off the floor, stepping into them before throwing her dress over her head. The silhouette of her curvy breasts and hips against the window made my jaw clench. “Your sheets are a mess,” she said, fluffing that cloud-of-gossamer hair I loved. “Do you have a spare set to sleep on?”

  “I have seven spare sets.”

  She stopped moving and looked at me. “You have eight sets of sheets?” Then she threw her hands up. “What am I thinking? Of course you do. Do you want help stripping the bed?”

  “No.” Did she think I didn’t want to sleep with her honey-and-almond scent next to my skin? I knew it was my soap she’d used but damn if it ever smelled that good on me.

  “Okay then. I’ll meet you in the car.” She went for the ladder and started down.

  Fuck. FUCK.

  “Skylar, wait.” I sat up, dragged a hand over my hair. “Don’t go.”

  “Too late, asshole.” She continued down the ladder and I heard her jump to the floor.

  Her feistiness almost made me smile.

  “Fuck!” I thumped a fist into the mattress, hard. Then I did it again, and again. I knew I shouldn’t take my frustration with myself out on her, but it was so hard. If I didn’t harden my heart against the what ifs, they’d drag me under. She’d drag me under. I’d be fooled again into thinking I was capable of being the person a woman deserved, of loving her the way she needed to be loved. And I knew—I knew—I wasn’t.

  So fuck the big, sad ending. I could stop this bleeding at the source, and I would.

  Angry and sad, I threw my clothes on and jogged out to the truck, where she was already waiting in the passenger seat, legs tight together, arms crossed. I knew she was really mad because it was the first time she was totally silent for more than five minutes. We were almost to her parents’ place when finally she broke down.

  “I’m sorry,” she said shortly, her tone cold.

  I glanced at her, but her pose hadn’t changed. “What are you sorry about?”

  “For thinking I could do this. It’s too frustrating. You’re too frustrating. You won’t talk to me.”

  I pressed my lips together. Stared straight ahead.

  “This is what I mean!” She glared at me but I kept my eyes on the road. “If you’d just tell me what’s going on in your head, maybe I could help!” she snapped.

  God, she was so maddening—how could I explain that I had to keep her at a distance for both our sakes?

  “You told me earlier today that you wanted to let me in. To give you time to let me in.” Her voice had softened a little. “And I wanted to. I was willing to. It was you who asked for more tonight.”

  She was right. I felt some of my hardness crumbling, and I grasped at it. “Look, this is me. This is what I do. And if it’s too frustrating for you, then it’s better to end this now.”

  “End what? We never started.” She looked away from me again.

  A few minutes later, I pulled in her parents’ driveway and put the truck in park.

  “If you just wanted the lay, Sebastian, you could have said so,” she said bitterly. “You’re a great fuck.”

  Then she jumped out, slammed the door and marched angrily over to her little house. When she disappeared inside without even pulling out a key, I realized she hadn’t even locked it tonight. Damn it, Skylar! You should lock your doors! The ferocious need to protect her growled and bit at me beneath my skin, and I thumped the steering wheel hard twice, fighting the urge to go make sure it was secure now.

  The urge won. Furious, I strode to her door and tried the handle. Locked.

  “Fuck you!” I heard her cry from inside. “Go away!”

  Just go. You’re no good for her.

  Back in the truck, I threw it in reverse and tore out of there, tires spinning.

  * * * *

  When I got home, it was after midnight. I went straight up to the loft, where her scent still lingered. After undressing, I lay on my stomach atop the sheets where she’d offered herself up to me, no questions asked. I closed my eyes and she appeared…sultry and brazen as she straddled me in the truck, shivering and sweet as she lay with me in the hammock, hotter than fuck sprawled under me in my bed.

  Hurt and angry on the ride home.

  Groaning, I punched the pillow twice and flipped over onto my back, staring at the sloping ceiling as my thoughts turned resentful.

  Did she really think I’d used her just for sex? How could she, when I’d confessed to her how I used to feel about her ten years ago? When I’d told her today I wanted to let her in but needed time? Did she think I hadn’t meant the things I’d said?

  It was just like a woman to say she understood about needing to give a guy time and then demand to know his feelings at every turn. What the fuck did she expect from me? I’d told her before things even got physical with us that I was bad at relationships and not interested in one. What else was there to tell her? If she didn’t want to hang out anymore, fine. Good. I didn’t need her. I didn’t need anyone. Better to be alone than a constant disappointment to someone.

  At least she thought I was a great fuck.

  Chapter 20

  Skylar

  “Wow. You look kind of rough. Late night?” Natalie’s brows lifted suggestively.

  “Sort of.” Listlessly, I stacked coffee cups behind the counter. I’d hardly slept, and I was so tired when my alarm went off I’d nearly called in sick.

  “Did you have fun?” Natalie prompted loading muffins into the display case.

  “Yes.” I sighed. “And then no. I need coffee.”

  “Help yourself.” She nodded toward the pot. “Why no?”

  As we went through the morning routine, I filled her in on what I’d learned about Sebastian over the last couple days—his OCD, his fear of harming people, his past, his cabin, his family, his aversion to relationships, his former crush on me…everything I knew. I even told her about snooping in his notebook.

  She gasped. “What? That’s awful! I can’t believe you did that!”

  I grimaced. “I know. I shouldn’t have. But I was so curious about him, and he wouldn’t talk to me! He still won’t.”

  She looked confused. “What do you mean? You just told me a crap ton of info about him. Didn’t he tell you all that?”

  My chin slid forward. “Well, yeah, he tells me that kind of stuff. But he doesn’t—“ I stopped. He did talk to me, it wasn’t that so much. “Okay, it’s not that he won’t talk, it’s that he will, and he says these sweet, crazy things, and then stuff happens, and he freaks out and turns into an asshole.”

  “What kind of stuff?” she asked, her eyebrows lifting.

  I sighed. “Sex stuff.”

  She gasped. “You had sex?”

  “Yeah. And it was amazing,” I said sadly. “Best I’ve ever had.”

  “Wow.” The first customers had started to arrive, so we had to get to work, but we agreed to go for a drink that night to talk, and I texted Jillian to join us too.

  All morning and afternoon, I mulled over what had happened, and by the time we closed the shop I had to admit there’d been a lot more good moments than bad last night. Had I jumped down his throat too quickly? All he’d done was suggest driving me home.

  But no. No.

  I could tell that something was different with him after that last time in his room. I didn’t really think he’d used me for sex—I’d only said that to hurt him. But something had happened to make him go cold by the end of the night.
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br />   So what was it?

  * * * *

  After we closed, I went home and took a long nap. When I woke up, I felt more rested but had no better understanding of Sebastian’s motives for shutting me out. Maybe my sisters would have some insight.

  We met at Trattoria Stella at seven and sat at the bar, Jillian flanking me on one side and Nat on the other.

  “So what’s new?” Jillian shrugged out of her jacket. She looked professional and mature in her dress trousers, pumps, and sleeveless silk blouse, and I immediately felt childish next to her in my ripped jeans and sandals.

  Quit being stupid. It’s not about clothing.

  “Skylar had amazing sex last night.” Natalie leaned forward, elbows on the bar. “And she’s gonna tell us about it.”

  “Amazing sex. What’s that like?” Jillian asked wistfully, picking up the wine list.

  “I wouldn’t know either,” Natalie replied.

  “Why?” I looked at her. “The text messages?”

  Natalie shrugged, her mouth in a grim line. “He says those are nothing. We’re just in a dry spell, I guess.”

  “Everything seemed fine at dinner last night,” Jillian offered, “and speaking of dinner.” She elbowed me. “I take it the amazing sex was with Sebastian, the guy you brought to Mom and Dad’s?”

  I nodded glumly.

  “You don’t look too happy about it.” Jillian tilted her head. “What’s up?”

  We ordered wine and some appetizers, and while we nibbled and sipped, I spilled to Jillian the story I’d told Natalie this afternoon.

  “OCD is really rough on kids. I’ve got a few patients with it.” Jillian swirled her last ounce of chardonnay in her glass. “And you’re never really cured of it.”

  “I know. He said the same.” I took a bite of calamari and didn’t even taste it. “But is it the OCD that’s making him so moody? One second he’s sweet and talkative and laughing, and the next he’s a total dickhead.”

  Jilly shrugged. “It could be. Obsessive impulses can pop up at any time or they can be there all the time. If he’s struggling with something in his head, he might not be able to just ignore it and keep up the chatter. Maybe going silent is one of his strategies for dealing with the thoughts instead of trying to bury or avoid them.”

  “Yeah.” I set my fork down, feeling full although I’d barely eaten. “Makes sense, I guess.”

  “Did he say anything about the fiancée?” Natalie asked.

  “Not much. Just that he fucked up.” I didn’t feel like blabbing the details he’d told me about their breakup—in fact, I felt strangely protective of them.

  “Maybe he’s not over her?” Jillian suggested.

  I shrugged. “No, I don’t think it’s that.” Suddenly I just wanted to go home and get back in my bed.

  “Maybe he’ll call you to say sorry,” Natalie said, her blue eyes wide and sympathetic.

  “He doesn’t even have my number. And he already said sorry.” My throat felt tight, which made me angry. Why should I cry over him? “He just didn’t say anything else.”

  “What did you want him to say?” Jillian looked at me like I was a little crazy. “It was pretty much your first date, wasn’t it? Maybe you’re expecting too much.”

  “Just forget it,” I snapped. “It obviously didn’t mean anything.” I felt bad that I was being so prickly when my sisters were only trying to help, but I was getting more depressed by the minute. Without the fun distraction of Sebastian on the horizon, I was right back where I started.

  Chapter 21

  Sebastian

  The day after I slept with Skylar, I had an appointment with Ken, which I wasn’t looking forward to. In fact, I nearly canceled it, but then I remembered how easy it was to backslide and justify when I got this way. I’d avoided therapy in the past because of something I didn’t want to face, but that had only made it—and everything else in my life—worse.

  So after a hike at Old Mission Point Park and a quick session at the gym, I showered, dressed, and went to his office.

  “I slept with someone last night,” I announced as soon as I slumped against the back of the sofa.

  Ken, who hadn’t even sat down yet, looked a little taken aback at my choice of openers, but recovered quickly, lowering himself into his leather chair. “Oh?”

  “Yes. That girl—woman—I mentioned a couple weeks ago. The one I used to have the crush on.” I stared at my jeans, an older pair that had been washed so many times the denim had faded to that blue color I loved.

  He flipped back a page on his notepad. “This is the one you were going to approach again because you’d had the setback the first time?”

  “Yes. I approached her the next day.” I could still see the happy surprise on her face when she ran to the door to let my dripping wet ass in.

  “It went well, I take it.” Ken’s tone was amused.

  “Yeah.” I frowned. “Too well.”

  “How so?”

  “I went out with her Tuesday night, then spent almost all day yesterday with her, then last night we—“ I rubbed the stubble on my jaw, still feeling her satin thigh against my cheek. “You know.”

  He kept a straight face. “Go on.”

  “At first I was troubled by the thoughts of harming her, and I can’t say that’s entirely gone away. But over the course of the day, it was replaced with this…I don’t know. Wanting.”

  “Wanting for what?”

  “To be someone else.” To be the kind of guy who can touch her every day without fear. To be the kind of guy who can get on a plane and fly her somewhere romantic. To be the kind of guy whose mind doesn’t convince him of things his heart knows aren’t true. “To be different.”

  He lifted his shoulders. “Sounds like she likes who you are. Does she know about—”

  “Yes,” I interrupted. “Right up front I told her about my issues and why they make it tough to be close to me.” I sighed, closing my eyes for a second. “She said she was willing to try.”

  “Good.” He sat back and pushed his glasses farther up on the narrow bridge of his nose. “So why do you want to be someone else?”

  “I want to be someone that could make her happy,” I said, crossing my arms in frustration, hands fisted. “And I can’t because my mind won’t let me.”

  “There’s more to your mind than OCD,” Ken reminded me. “A lot more than that.”

  I studied my legs, seeing her straddling them. Fuck. I closed my eyes again, but she was there too. “I’m not right for her. She deserves better, or at least normal, and she’d realize that fast. She’s smart.”

  Ken crossed an ankle over a knee. “So let her make that decision. Fear of intimacy is not OCD, by the way. Neither is being afraid to commit. There’s no reason why you can’t give this a try, Sebastian.”

  “Yes there is,” I said, annoyed with him. Ken was probably married with three kids and thought it was all so fucking easy when you met someone you wanted to be with. “My entire being is the reason. All the shit in my head. She says she likes me, but she also said I frustrate and confuse her. That shit doesn’t go away.”

  “She’s confused by your thoughts? Your compulsions?”

  “No, I mean those would probably get to her eventually, but right now it’s with my moods. My silences. Whenever I sense myself letting my guard down, I retreat into myself and push her away. But I have to, because I know how this ends.”

  Ken’s brow furrowed and he set his notepad aside in favor of crossing his arms just like I was. “I’m not sure I understand. You’re scared of physically harming her? That’s why you push her away? Or you’re scared of getting emotionally attached to her? Those are two very different things. Let’s figure out what we’re dealing with.”

  I hesitated. Some part of me didn’t want to admit to Ken that I was scared for my own sake—that I saw myself falling for Skylar, that I was half in love with her already, but that I’d be unable to make it work, and losing her would destroy me.r />
  “What happens when I make us miss dinner reservations for the tenth time because I have to check the locks again and we’re halfway there?” I asked. “What happens when she asks me to slice the turkey at Thanksgiving and I can’t pick up the fucking knife because I think I’ll stab someone? What happens when she needs to fly somewhere and it’s an odd day and I get down on my knees in the airport and beg her not to get on that plane?”

  “I don’t know, Sebastian. Because that’s just fearcasting. It’s not real. And you’ve got ways to cope with those things.”

  “Well, I know.” I stared Ken dead in the eye. “I’d drive her mad. She’d fucking decide she’s had enough, and she’d leave.”

  “But that’s not what happened with your last relationship, is it?” he pressed. “You told me you called things off. And frankly, it was the right decision, was it not? You didn’t actually want to marry her. That means your doubts were not inconsistent with your true feelings. That’s not OCD, Sebastian. That’s stopping yourself from making a mistake.” He held up his hands. “Now. Maybe you went about it all wrong, but that’s another matter entirely.”

  I dropped my gaze to my legs again, spoke a little more quietly. “It won’t work in the end. I don’t know how to make it work. She’ll leave.”

  “And then you’d be alone again,” Ken said. “Probably forever.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Because you’re a horrible person who doesn’t deserve to be happy.”

  I nodded. This guy knew me way too well by now. It was aggravating as fuck.

  “Bullshit, Sebastian.”

  “Huh?”

  He shrugged. “Bullshit. If you truly believed you’re a horrible person, you wouldn’t be here talking about her. You’d have given up already and holed up somewhere to be alone and miserable for the rest of your life. And you do know how to make it work—you’re just scared.”